I need to get this out- and need advice

Vuja_de

This is long, sorry! 

I am completely stressing out, backstory: My mom and dad divorced (very messy) when I was 3 years old. My dad cheated on my mom with his current wife of 25 years. My mom told my dad he will never see me again and my dad went off the radar for about 6 years. He ended up moving very far away and still currently lives there.

I have since reconciled with my dad and he and I are now very good friends and very close (we talk every day and video chat all of the time). Well my mom still hates my dad and can not stand to even hear his name. He came to our wedding (by himself) and my mom flipped, she just went BSC causing a whole scene at our wedding when she had promised me she was OK with it.

Fast forward, my dad has purchased property close to my home so he can be around to see his grandson grow up, which I am absolutely thrilled about! He comes "home" with my awesome step-mom once a year to work on their property, they are going to start building their home this summer!

Now onto what is stressing me: My dad wasn't able to be here for my son's birth, he won't be able to meet E until E is almost 9 months old. So I thought it would be really nice to hold off on E's baptism so my dad could be there to experience this with us. I told my dad and he and my step-mom are over the moon excited about it. What I didn't take into consideration is my mother.. she is going to absolutely go BSC again at my son's baptism because my dad and step-mom will be there.

I didn't even think of it, and now I am stressing about having to tell her! I feel sick everytime I think about it. Have any of you had to deal with divorced parents like this? How do I break it to my mom? I am going to need a strong drink before telling her *gulp* she is going to freak the eff out!

mistywhite400

tell her in a calm rational voice that he will be there & that you would love for her to be able to pull it together & be a grown up about the situation.  If she can't then please remove herself from the situation so as not to ruin it for the rest of you! 

If she is going to act like a child...I say treat her like one!  Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's not about her.  She needs to quit being selfish!

first-time-mama

mistywhite400:

tell her in a calm rational voice that he will be there & that you would love for her to be able to pull it together & be a grown up about the situation.  If she can't then please remove herself from the situation so as not to ruin it for the rest of you! 

If she is going to act like a child...I say treat her like one!  Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's not about her.  She needs to quit being selfish!

I agree with this..I have a mother like this who FLIPS out and its embarrassing..I hope she can control herself..Good luck..But you have EVERY right to have your dad and step mom be a part of this..Its for your son (their grandson too)  Not about your mom..even thougth they like to think the world revolves around them.. GL

Scooter359

My mother is very emotional about my father, and it's because she still loves him dearly but it just can't work with them. Every once in a while they put aside their differences and come together for Mason but it hasn't happened often and i have found myself having to pick a side. It's a terrible place to be, but if they can't come together for their grandson then that is a shame. It probably pains her to see him with the woman he cheated on her with, even after all this time. I would honestly ask her why she is so emotional about the whole thing, try and get it through to her that this is his special day, not theirs and neither of them want to miss out on this.

Vuja_de

Thanks for the advice. She is just so irrational when it comes to anything involving my dad. I think this is better done face to face instead of over the phone.. shiit I feel like I am breaking up with someone! LOL!

JinglesChic

I would tell your mom to get over it. Yes, it sucks what he did to her, but the day is about your DS not her. It was wrong of her to make a scene at your wedding and I would suggest that if she can't play nice, then don't bother coming. Your father shares 25% of the genes in your DS, just the same amount that your mother does, and they should both be allowed to be there if you want them to be. 

We had this exact same issue with my grandmother and grandfather, for the exact same reasons. At first growing up, we had to choose which one to invite to which occasion. After a while, it got ridiculous. We started inviting both, to which my grandmother didn't go. Once she realized all the events she was missing (like my brother's college graduation), she changed her tune about it. 

Vuja_de

JinglesChic:

I would tell your mom to get over it. Yes, it sucks what he did to her, but the day is about your DS not her. It was wrong of her to make a scene at your wedding and I would suggest that if she can't play nice, then don't bother coming. Your father shares 25% of the genes in your DS, just the same amount that your mother does, and they should both be allowed to be there if you want them to be. 

We had this exact same issue with my grandmother and grandfather, for the exact same reasons. At first growing up, we had to choose which one to invite to which occasion. After a while, it got ridiculous. We started inviting both, to which my grandmother didn't go. Once she realized all the events she was missing (like my brother's college graduation), she changed her tune about it. 

I am such a wimp, I won't be able to tell her not to come if she doesn't like it. I really hope she is an adult about this, but honestly it is wishful thinking.

sgrl

I do really feel for your mom, but I think it was rather horrible of her to keep you from him. If my husband cheated on me, I would HATE him but I wouldn't try to keep him from Sadie.

She was the one who was wronged, but she needs to get over it for your sake and E's sake. I don't really know the best way to say that to her, but that's what she needs to know.

My grandfather cheated on my grandmother with my current step-grandmother, and while my grandmother hates his ass, she sucks it up for family events and even is occassionally quasi-nice to my step-grandmother.

UMwife

mistywhite400:

tell her in a calm rational voice that he will be there & that you would love for her to be able to pull it together & be a grown up about the situation.  If she can't then please remove herself from the situation so as not to ruin it for the rest of you! 

If she is going to act like a child...I say treat her like one!  Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's not about her.  She needs to quit being selfish!

This exactly.

Tell your mom why it's important for you to have your dad be a part of E's baptism and explain to her that this is about E (and only E). If she can't figure out how to put aside her differences, then she should consider not going. Obviously, that's not an option, but I think the sooner you sit your mom down and tell her that your dad is going to remain a part of your (and E's) life, the better off you'll both be. She will have to come to terms with it, and eventually, as visits and sightings become more frequent, she will get used to it.

I know it's not easy. Good luck! (& yes, you might definately need to tip a glass or two before having this conversation with her

superaunt

tell your mom about it now and let her know what you're doing and why and that if she can't handle it, she needs to stay home... but that you really want both of your LO's g-parents there, that this isn't about her and what happened 25 years ago, it's about your LO!

grrr, sorry, i've been dealing with this crap from my parents, too. i feel for you.

mistywhite400

I will add that if you don't set her straight now she most likely will continue to ruin your special moments.  You don't want to look back on your LO's life & only remember how she made it miserable for all of you & also you don't want your son to have to deal with that crap as he gets older. 

 

daisy_dueller

If it were me in your situation, I would tell her that he's coming as if it were any normal conversation. Just kind of slip it in there. He's your father, and he has a right to be wherever you ask him to be! She honestly needs to get over the fact that she was cheated on 25 years ago! That's a looooong ass time to hold a grudge against someone.