SAIF friend insensitive? very long... — The Bump
Secondary IF

SAIF friend insensitive? very long...

I don't know what to do about this, or if I should do anything.

I know it's my problem really, not hers.

So, I have a very close friend who struggled (a little bit) with #2.  6 months ago or so, we had a chat in which she said that her main consolation was that I too, only had one child.  She said "we both have our girls, so it's ok".  I agreed that being "together" in that did help, but acknowledged that if one of us were to have #2, it might take some adjustment and possibly be difficult for the "other".  Well, it turns out that the "other", the one left behind, so to speak, is me.  I am ok with that, really, because I'd rather cope and be supportive than feel guilty (which is how I would feel if I had been the one to get PG). 

She called me 5 months ago, the very day she got her BFP.  I got AF an hour after that call.  That sucked!  Anyway, I really, really feel happy for her and I do have hope that I will be there too someday. I do not feel that her experience takes anything away from me. So maybe that's why my "issue" seems so silly...

Ever since she got PG, she seems to have forgotten all about what it was like to have IF issues.  She's like any normal pregnant woman who might be oblivious to IF.  She's not sensitive at all.  I don't want her to keep things from me or be afraid to talk to me about the baby, that would feel awful.  But at the same time, she is very open with me - yesterday she called me on the way home from her big U/S to tell me "it's a girl" (I was excitedly expecting the call) and then proceeded to tell me how wonderful it was, how great it was to see the heartbeat, etc.  The extra info, description of how it was, put me over the edge.  I want to know these things, but I had to get off the phone quickly so I could cry and not bring her down.

I really don't want to feel this way.  I just want to be happy for her, to live vicariously through her (LOL), and NOT feel the need to cry.  It makes no sense.  I kind of want to tell her that I'm sorry I had to get off the phone so quickly, that I just had to manage my own feelings and that it had nothing to do with her, but given that she seems to have forgotten what it's like to be in these shoes, I'm not sure she'll understand.

I feel like I'm being a b*tch, and I just hate it.  I feel numb, and overly emotional at the same time.  I just want to be happy for her, and if there is to be any "oblivion", let it be mine regarding my 2IF!

Blah - thanks for reading, if you go this far. I guess I just needed to get it out.  You ladies are a great sounding board!!! 

Dori image
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

Miracle DD born 12.2005
TTC #2 since Dec 2008 w/ PCOS
***P/SAIF Always Welcome***

Keep it Natural, Baby!

Re: SAIF friend insensitive? very long...

  • i can relate. my sister struggled with IF with #1. her DS was about 9 months when i got pg with my DS. she knew it was hard for us to get pregnant and we talked about it along the way. about a week after i found out i was pregnant, she found out she was pregnant again (oops!). it's like she didn't remember what it was like to struggle.

    she had actually said to me while she was TTC #1 that she would have been pissed if i would have gotten pregnant. yet she went right ahead and got pregnant when i was struggling. it wasn't the pregnancy that bothered me as much as the hypocrisy.

    i had DS 7 weeks early and my sister did nothing but complain to me about being pregnant for those 7 weeks between the boys births.

    some people are just not as compassionate as others. i like to take my experiences and learn from them. other people prefer to just forgot bad things ever happened.

    hang in there, i know it's hard.

  • I'm sorry - it's such a fine line between bitter that it's them and not you and still being supportive and it sucks when they forget all about their own struggle and aren't sensitive to it anymore.
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  • I think you need to say something to her.  I have numerous friends who have been through IF treatments but now that I am going through for #2 and they did I hear "you need to relax."  "You are probably going to get pregnant this time without help."  It's like they forget they were ever in our shoes.  I was keeping my mouth shut and feeling angry then decided I have to be direct.  I said, after talking to my doc she said "sometimes" people get pregnant without help the second time but a lot of time they need intervention.  This shut them up.  Not that this is what to say to your friend but remind her it's hard for you or limit your talks with her. 
  • You aren't being a b!tch at all.  You are totally normal. 

    It is so hard to be in a place where you are both happy for and yet jealous of your friend.  You do everything you can to be supportive and excited,  sometimes it can put you over the edge though; that's normal.   It would be great if she could share with you while keeping in mind the pain you are still feeling.  I think it is totally natural to compare ourselves to our friends who are pregnant. 

    I still get jealous sometimes of FF, and I am pregnant.

    Married 9-4-04

    ***PM me for my IF history***

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  • You have every right to be annoyed, but you are so not being a ***.  She should remember how she felt and be mindful.  Friends are supposed to support each other. 

    One of my friends was struggling with SAIF right along with me.  It was so nice to have someone to talk to and who understood.  We both got pregnant during the same cycle and I m/c.  She continues to be extremely supportive of me and has not forgotten how hard of a struggle she had.  I am also supportive of her pregnancy and ask her questions about how she feels, milestones, etc.  Another friend of mine struggled with IF for 4 years (all of this before I was struggling) and I always did my best to be mindful of what she might be feeling.  Now she has a beautiful 6 month old baby boy and is a great supporter of my SAIF. I know I am so lucky.

    Can you have a conversation with her in a non-confrontational way?  Maybe she has no idea what she is doing.

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    Dori image
    "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
  • I have felt as you do now!  While I've never had an IF friend be insensitive later I've had SOOO many pregnant friends who knew what I was going through and still were oblivious Sad  It hurt!  (((HUGS))) 

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  • JMayJMay member

    Thank you ladies!  This is always the right place to come =-)

    I think I will talk her her, gently.  I think through posting and a lot of thought I've figured out the core of my problem.  That is, I am trying to think past my own feelings so that I can be a supportive friend for her, and I am wishing that she would make the same effort to think past her own feelings so that she could be a supportive friend to me.  Just a brief acknowldgement would be great - i.e. would you be ok with me sharing this info?  Of course I would say "yes", but it would be nice to know that she was thinking of me as much as I'm trying to think of her.  I don't want this whole thing to be about me, but as we are friends, it can't be all about her either.  Truly, I hope that if I ever get pregnant again, I hope I don't forget.  My Mother always says, "anything worth having is worth working for".  I think we are maybe blessed to have to work so hard for our children; may we always remember what blessings they are!

    Thanks again ladies!  Big Smile

    Dori image
    "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

    Miracle DD born 12.2005
    TTC #2 since Dec 2008 w/ PCOS
    ***P/SAIF Always Welcome***

    Keep it Natural, Baby!
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