Is TTTC taking a toll on anyone else?s marriage?

Ski&Sail09

Sorry for the crappy message but DH and I have been fighting A LOT the last month and we NEVER fight.  Sex has gotten bad, he lasts maybe a minute and has had some trouble even performing. I've tried to make it seem like sex is not just for TTC by doing things to spice it up but then he get's too excited and that one minute drops to 30 seconds. My acupuncturist noticed his PH was out of normal range from his SA a year ago and wants to see him or wants him to get another SA and see a urologist. He won't!! As soon as I say "hey, let's get you checked out again" his defenses go up.

He's started saying maybe he doesn't want kids now and if that's the case it's over...I won't live a life without kids, I will adopt if I have too.  I just feel the passion and fire is gone. Anyone else? What do I do? We have a vacation coming up in July, just us and the dog to a beach house for a week. I'm hoping that helps.

amy0610

I'm so sorry Ski. I know we've definitely had our moments and I think people underestimate how stressful TTC and IF are. Hugs to you.

Temp356619000002780

Wow Sail maybe it's just a rough patch. If anything our marriage has gotten stronger because it has brought us closer. MH is touched that I will stop at nothing to have his baby. MH isn't very affectionate but lately he has been extremely affectionate and caring... Maybe the vacation will do you good. He's a man and you asking him to re test may sound to him that your pointing a finger. I know that if our situation was different and that if MH was the one with the issue he would be very defensive. I say give it time.

sail123

I'm so sorry.

IF affects all couples differently but I think what you are going through is perfectly normal. I seem to recall that your DH was hesitant to move forward with any type of intervention and he was hoping that there would be a natural solution. If that is the case, he may just need some more time to get used to this or come to terms with the fact that you guys may need some help.

We have so many resources available to us and our DHs pretty much rely only on us for all the information. Is there a Resolve group in your area? A friend of mine is having similar issues with her DH an they have both been going to meetings together. Talking to other couples has helped them A LOT.

Ski&Sail09

I've tried really hard to not make it sound like I'm pointing the finger. He's all for me doing this Chinese Medicine stuff and thinks it's great and that Western Medicine is not the only option but when I say let's make sure it's not the both of us he get's all pissed. I felt like we were really being brought closer together the last year and a half but now that we're closing in on two years it seems to be making in rough. It seems to have all kicked off after his younger brother and his wife announced they are pregnant. I always fear he'll think I'm broken and leave.

mdluv21

I am sorry sweetie.  We had a pretty rough couple of weeks last month.  Mine just didn't want to admit we have problems and just flat refused to be tested at this point.

I finally had a break down and told him how unfair he was being and how I was taking on all the burden of trying to have a child.  He finally realized what an arse he has been and that is better to know if we have other issues we need to deal with than to live in the unknown.  He has an SA ordered, we are just waiting for my period to start.

He was also REALLY unhappy at work and that was causing extra stress and he quit his job so that has helped so much.  I am really praying he likes his new job.

I am sure that he still wants kids but he is just scared and guys don't handle fear well at all.  I hope the week away from everything helps!  Hang in there, you are not alone.

hawaii123

I think you may need to take a step back and find out what concerns he has and agree on what the next step you need to take is and how far you're willing to go.

I'm sure I frustrate the heck out of my H because there are times when I say "this is the last time I'm doing this" and then here we are again.  Sometimes I think I just need time to not think about and not have to DO something to TTC. Then I get over it I suppose.  But if anything, I would agree with the other poster that said its brought us closer together.  I tend to not sensor anything though so H knows exactly what I'm thinking at the time I'm thinking it.  Maybe your H needs to voice his frustrations even if he thinks its something you don't want to hear..it might be hard but that might be the process he needs.

wordslikeswords

I think eventually it takes a toll on everyone's marriage. DH and I had a HUGE fight this weekend. He actually said if we couldn't stop fighting we were going to end up getting divorced, which neither of us wanted. We realized that we've just been mean to each other lately and it's because so much has been going on between TTC and health problems. And because we want nothing more than to spend time together and it hasn't been happening. 

I think that for us it was a good turning point because we were able to talk through it and come up on the same page and realize that right now is when we need to be the MOST supportive of each other.

The arguments will happen sometimes but I think it can make you stronger if you work through them... like the old saying, whatever doesnt' kill you makes you stronger.

As for your DH I am sure he doesn't not want kids. He's probably just SCARED and stressed. Plus, men never want to be the cause of something fertility related, so he's probably upset about that. My DH was when we found out he had no testosterone. Testosterone is like.. the "thing" that makes you manly, and he had NONE... it's hard on them. I'm certain that if you can talk it out it will work out... he's just not dealing with all the things that are happening very well. It's a really hard thing to go through. It'll get better with YH though hon ((HUG))

abvernon

I am sooo sorry to hear about this.

Yes, it can take a toll on a marriage. DH and I have had some rough patches but  we managed to talk about it and get through it.

The one thing I did is that I "check in" with DH. I ask him if he is alright with this process or if he is ok with this. At first , I was telling DH-ok do this on that date and we have to do this on that day and time. It was very methodically (which in a way it is) but as long as we both talk about it make sure we are both on the same page, then I know we can get through it.

See with my DH is way of being angry/upset/sad is by being quiet and that makes it HARD to get things out of him sometimes.

 ((hugs)) We are here for you.

Ok, sorry that was a long response. Apparently I have alot to say today!

edit-I hope I don't sound all "puppies and rainbows" with my post. I can tell you we have had fighting matches (when DH finally opens up) to where I am in tears and I have walked out.

Nova726

I'm so sorry sweetie.  We haven't had this problem yet, but it may only be because of our opposite schedules (hard to fight when you don't see each other.)  I hope the vacation helps build your relationship stronger.

qtsreign

I'm so sorry you're gong through this.

I hope things work our for you soon.

mrs.monica

we are definitely fighting more and on edge a lot.  But...we are very aware of why...so we try to nip it in the bud before it gets heated knowing full well what it stems from. I am hoping after his SA comes back normal (here's hoping) he'll stop being so hard on himself and support me more.  I completely understand.  It is very stressful to have TTTC, even when you already have 1 like we do.  ::hugs::

roadstar

Ski  TTTC is absolutely taking a toll on my marraige and we have not even met with an RE yet.  Before having a baby became number one proirity with me/us we never fought either.  Now it seems like we can't even have a convo with me crying or DH thinking i'm obsessed with babies etc.  This is not who we are as a couple at all.  It's so frustrating. 

Regarding your DH's reluctance to get another SA, my DH was scared to death to find out the results.  He was conviced It was all his fault and and I would leave him.

Sorry I wrote a book and gave you no real advice.  I hope the vaca helps with the stress. 

amy1004

We have definetly been having more issues.  We are not fighting but not talking is just as bad.  We have had devastating news in the last week so we have to keep communicating.  Your vacation should help.  It is something that both of you can look forward too!

We have decided to take a break from sex this cycle (also our testing required some of it).  This has actually been very beneficial.  It is forcing us to spend time talking and finding other ways to connect.  Sex was no longer fun; it was timed and only served a purpose.  I don't know when we will start again but I think we needed the time to "re-virginize" ourselves.

I hope that you and your husband don't make any decisions too quickly and I wish I could tell you everything will be alright.  I am facing some of the same decisions about adoption or donor sperm.  I can totally sympathize to how scary this situation is.  My DH even mentioned the dreaded D word (divorce).  He doesn't want to but he wants me to be able to have children.  Feel free to PM me if you want, I think we are in the same boat. 

Mrs. Mo

The past few months have been brutal for us. His "nitpicking" has gotten out of control and last week I told him that if he didn't stop having to complain about me in some way each day, that I would stay over my parents house that night. That got him to tone it down a bit. Our sex life has also taken a nose dive. DH has become a total 2 pump chump. I first tried to not tell him when I'm the most fertile to see if that helped but then he got mad at me for not telling him. It seems like everytime we discuss the fact that he doesn't take the time  to make sure I get mine, he is better .....but that will only last a week and then it will be back to me having to use my vibe to get off.

beth0874

So sorry that this is happening for you.  I have found my DH fighting more and more manily over silly things.  I find DH flipping out over small things (he is usually very calm).  He took a fit the other day because he burnt toast.  We are both very stressed about everything between TTC and the financial end of it along with some other stressful events in out lives right now.  Hopefully your vacation will help you guys relax and breathe.  ((hugs))

Mrs.Saxy

that stinks

Have you seen Couple's Retreat?  I recommend you and DH watch it.  It might show you something.  

BBColt78

I'm glad you posted this. It's good to see that everyone goes through this.

MH did the "I don't want kids stage." I recall this very clearly. We had been TTC for about a year. I was just doing my testing and was trying to get him to start. One day he just freaked out He said maybe he didn't want kids and that we were not destined for kids. This scared the crap out of me. To think he suddenly didn't want kids. . . it was not part of our bargain when we got married. I thought about it for a few days. I told him I was willing to stop the baby crap for three months. I wouldn't talk about it and just put it on hold. And after three months we would evaluate. He agreed. Well, a month later my sister had her second baby and I fell to pieces in front of MH. I told him I was jealous of her and that life wasn't fair. Right then he confessed that he was worried it was his fault we couldn't get pregnant and that he was just avoiding. From then on we finished our testing and we are starting IVF.

Now that I wrote a novel, my point was that he will probably come around. As a PP said, they don't deal well. Especially when they think it's "their" fault.  I hope you and YH have a great vacation. Just enjoy each other

ecleptic

Ski&Sail09:

Sorry for the crappy message but DH and I have been fighting A LOT the last month and we NEVER fight.  Sex has gotten bad, he lasts maybe a minute and has had some trouble even performing. I've tried to make it seem like sex is not just for TTC by doing things to spice it up but then he get's too excited and that one minute drops to 30 seconds. My acupuncturist noticed his PH was out of normal range from his SA a year ago and wants to see him or wants him to get another SA and see a urologist. He won't!! As soon as I say "hey, let's get you checked out again" his defenses go up.

He's started saying maybe he doesn't want kids now and if that's the case it's over...I won't live a life without kids, I will adopt if I have too.  I just feel the passion and fire is gone. Anyone else? What do I do? We have a vacation coming up in July, just us and the dog to a beach house for a week. I'm hoping that helps.

Ski&Sail09:

I've tried really hard to not make it sound like I'm pointing the finger. He's all for me doing this Chinese Medicine stuff and thinks it's great and that Western Medicine is not the only option but when I say let's make sure it's not the both of us he get's all pissed. I felt like we were really being brought closer together the last year and a half but now that we're closing in on two years it seems to be making in rough. It seems to have all kicked off after his younger brother and his wife announced they are pregnant. I always fear he'll think I'm broken and leave.

I bolded a couple of parts of your last two posts just so that you can maybe see what I'm seeing.

He's defensive. It's very possible that he feels like this marriage is hanging in the balance of him being able to give you children. If his numbers come up badly and it turns out that he can't give you children- he may think that you'll think he's broken and leave. If you're thinking that line- he probably is too. To top it off, his younger brother (sibling rivalry is alive and well as adults) clearly proved his ability to knock his wife up... while your husband is still struggling with the idea that it might be his fault.

Male factor hits guys a lot harder than we initially think it should. My husband was laughing and joking about it being "his fault" right up until the point when the RE pointed out that to fix my problems we'd be going on Clomid. To fix his we're skipping to IVF. Then he clammed up, picked a couple of fights (we're a bickering couple though so this wasn't a surprise) called himself a failure, asked if he should have been a miscarriage, and asked for a month off of even talking about babies (and certainly no trying for babies)... all while trying to get me to admit that if we couldn't have children- I'd leave him. Which is not the case in our situation. It hit him really really hard.

Even with almost a month of break since our last RE visit, he's still pretty sensitive to the fact that his problem is the more serious of the two of us. He no longer thinks I'll leave him if we can't have children but he still feels like it's all his fault for the lengths we'll have to go to have kids- and that breaks him up a bit. Needing a doctor to inject his sperm into his wife's eggs is apparently a huge knock to his masculinity.

So yes, it's been harder dealing with TTTC. Especially once we started dealing with the possibility of male factor.  Which, by you bringing up a repeat SA and your husband's own worries- you are stirring up. I was okay with being the one with a problem. I went in prepared to be told premature ovarian failure or some other very difficult to fix problem. I made my peace with it being my fault before I walked into an RE's office. DH has had to adjust on the fly.

Our month off of trying to conceive (no charting, no timing sex, no herbs or pills, no talking about babies or the RE, no visits to doctors or discussions of "what if"- nothing.) has helped immensely. He's bringing up TTC on his own again- he's talking and joking about IVF comfortably now. He needed time and distance. We'd been in baby mode (even if TTA for the start of it) for almost 2 years. Every 22-24 days we'd go through the cycle of me hopeful, lots of sex, and then crushing disappointment.... and then back around again. He was exhausted of the emotional merry-go-round.

Hopefully your vacation will help- just try to leave actively TTC at home... otherwise it won't be much of an escape.

Temp356619000002780

After reading many responses I think I should explain why it made us stronger. MH and I had huge problems even trying to start TTC. I wanted to have a baby and he wanted to get married. this is back in 2005 needless to say it cause a huge fight between us and we almost broke up. We got married in 2006 and then in 2007 I wanted to start TTC so we did, it didn't happen in 6 months and MH decided he wanted to put it off because he was up for a job that would interfere with TTC! Started trying again in 2008 and after 6 months MH put the breaks again. This caused us to fight and started talking about divorce. Our fight went on for about 5-6 months. All because MH was being selfish and wanted to take a job that would take him away from home 6 months at a time, so it wasn't just baby related. Once he begged me to stay and realized how important our family was we started TTC again in 2009. 

It took forever to get him to test and when he found out I am the problem he has been nothing but supportive...  

Ski&Sail09

Thank you ladies for all the advice and input. It feels good to know I'm not alone.

buckleytobe

I lurk on this board a lot, as I have had SAIF. 

Day after day, I see women let TTC completely consume their lives.  Its easy to become obsessed. Especially those who have been TTC for long periods of time---it has to be hard for the husbands not to feel responsible for being able to provide something that their wives are so obsessed with. 

 Sometimes you have to look past TTC and focus on other important areas of your life.  Put your marriage first for a while.  After all, conceiving a baby won't be as joyous if the foundation of your marriage is shaky. The truth is that some will never conceive--you don't want to look around after all is said and done and have nothing left.

hispenguin

In our case our relationship has gotten stronger. We decided at the beginning that we were a team. So whenever one of us is down we'll remind the other person that we're "team M", we're never going through it alone.

Our sex life on the other hand....not so good. DH has definitely had some performance issues sometimes. He puts so much pressure on himself. We're going away in July, so I'm hoping some hot hotel sex in Aruba will help

crushandtang

I think this journey has actually made our marriage stronger

laurens1122

Yes it has. Especially after this 2nd loss. We're taking a break until at least the fall.

wlknsnlrn

Honey, I think its time to take a break for a while. He is feeling overwhelmed and stressed when it comes to performing. Take some time off and when he is ready again (which he will be) then try again.