random feelings of guilt

redshoegirl

I've heard of mother's guilt before (feeling like you should always be doing more/better), but lately I've been experiencing it in the strangest ways. There are the usual things like feeling as though I don't spend enough time playing with them and encouraging their development or whatever, but there are some weirder ones too - tonight, for example, I feel guilty about how the boys sleep.

They've been in their nursery more or less since day one, and do really well there; these days they go peacefully to sleep with virtually no fussing and only wake once when they want to be fed. Clearly they're happy and secure there...and yet I feel guilty for leaving them in a dark (well, except the nightlight) room all by themselves, because they're just little guys and being all alone can be a scary thing.

Obviously this is silly - if they were scared or upset, they wouldn't fall asleep peacefully in their cribs or sleep well through the night. But I still feel guilty, like I should be in there with them, hovering over their cribs in case they need me or something. (This is crazy talk, I know!)

Does anyone else feel guilty over random things? How do you overcome it?

MrsNJSwimmer

I know this is horrible, but I do feel guilty about lots of things, but then something else grabs my attention and I forget about it! 

A lot of times I feel guilty for being the working parent - but God knows I could NOT be the stay at home parent and have the patience like MH does.  He's GREAT at it!  Sure there are things I wish he'd do (dishes, wash out bottles, more laundry, etc), but I deal b/c DS is happy.  I'm sure if I were home he'd be neurotic. 

I feel guilty that he sleeps with us and doesn't know how to put himself to sleep.  Horribly, I don't have the energy to deal with it, and MH enjoys it.  But last week we were out of town at a funeral, and that screwed up his daytime and nighttime routines - another guilt trip - but unavoidable, really. 

So I guess I rationalize or use distraction to overcome it.

MauiWedding08

yes, like MrsNJSwimmer I sometimes feel guilty that I leave him for 40 hours a week while I work but like I have explained in another post I really do think it is probably best for us not only for the money but because I really enjoy my work and being a SAHM would not bring out the best in me/my personality so having that activity out of the home really makes me give my best as a mother during the time I am at home.  (So that is how I rationalize it).

As far as other pings of guilt regarding certain family relationships on my part and I have also been sad that DH doesn't get to see his family more (and therefore J doesn't get to really know that 1/2 either).  All these life changes on top of hormones tend to make me sad whereas I usually am a lot more rational and even keel.

Married2MrWright

I feel guilty that we don't own our own home.  I know she could care less, but still, it was one of those things we had hoped to have taken care of before babies came.  Well, life doesn't always go according to plan

I feel guilty for working 40+ hours...I wish I could be home with her.  Not an option.  At least not right now.

I feel guilty for living 1500 miles away from most friends and family...that she's not met her uncles or cousins yet and probably won't be close with them the way I was with my extended family growing up.

I feel guilty for wanting to transition her to her own room and crib...she loves sleeping with us and for the most part, we love having her there. But we only have a queen sized bed and upgrading to a king is not an option. And soon, it will be too crowded in our bed.  But yeah, the thought of not having her hand in mind all night long or hearing her sweet baby sighs makes me want to cry.  So, for now, the crib is for napping and sometimes, playing while mama puts clothes and toys away.

I also feel guilty that 95% of her clothing and toys and gear is second-hand.  Sometimes, I am proud that we've been able to do it, but sometimes I feel sad that we cannot afford to get her all new things.  I get over it very quickly, but sometimes, especially if one of her second-hand items has a flaw or something it didn't catch before buying, I feel a little guilty.

redshoegirl

Married2MrWright:

I feel guilty that we don't own our own home.  I know she could care less, but still, it was one of those things we had hoped to have taken care of before babies came.  Well, life doesn't always go according to plan.....

I also feel guilty that 95% of her clothing and toys and gear is second-hand.  Sometimes, I am proud that we've been able to do it, but sometimes I feel sad that we cannot afford to get her all new things.  I get over it very quickly, but sometimes, especially if one of her second-hand items has a flaw or something it didn't catch before buying, I feel a little guilty.

Funny...sometimes I wish we were still renting! Ben was all about buying a house before the boys arrived, and I gave in. And although I do like our house, I actually really liked the condo we rented before - and the rent payments were literally half of our mortgage payment (not to mention taxes etc.) so we could save a lot more and had more disposable income. So sometimes I feel guilty that we bought a house because we don't have as much money to save/spend, which leads me to your other thing...

I'm the same way about the clothing! I'm incredibly grateful for everyone we know who offered us the clothes their boys have outgrown - people have been so generous, and because babies grow so fast, a lot of the stuff looks practically new anyway. So most of me is thrilled that we've been able to do this, and grateful for the generosity of our friends and family. But every once in a while, I feel a little bad that we can't afford to buy them all new stuff all the time.

I know this is really silly since the used stuff is in excellent shape and there's no shame in it, but I guess it's a result of the whole materialistic emphasis of society - that you have to have the newest, the best, etc. I'm trying to take inspiration from a friend of mine who has two little boys (3.5 and 2 years old), who regularly buys used clothes from eBay, and is ecstatic to do so.

lola808

redshoegirl:

But every once in a while, I feel a little bad that we can't afford to buy them all new stuff all the time.

I know this is really silly since the used stuff is in excellent shape and there's no shame in it, but I guess it's a result of the whole materialistic emphasis of society - that you have to have the newest, the best, etc.

It's true, social pressures can really do a number on our rational thinking.

We get most of our stuff second hand and the way I see it, it's a thrill every time I find a bargain because that means more $ for stuff that really matters -- like A's college fund and paying off our house faster.  Plus, I get to buy him better brands and cuter fashions than I could afford new, so that makes me happy too.

I think I will feel guilty when I go back to work even though it'll only be PT,  I also feel badly for having a hangup over nursing in public, since I sometimes delay feeding him or bottle feed when neither is really necessary.