Need help with discipline

Littlejen22

DS has been totally not himself today and is being way too rough with DD, pushing and pulling mostly.  What I usually do is a timeout and make him apologize and give a hug and kiss.  But then he kicked DD, like a serious karate kick, right in the stomach or chest.  I was literally looking at him with shock, DH was on the phone with his Mum in England and just says "he just kicked her", I think he was shocked and also looking at me to do something.  I put DS in timeout and told him he lost his blocks and trains for the day (he has no favorite toys but likes to play with these before bed) and that he will not get extra time to play before bed.  I am not happy with the consequences I gave him but am at a loss.  And honestly by the time he goes to bed I am sure that he will not remember that he had his "2 more minutes" taken away and I do not want to keep reminding him of how he was "bad" because he cried hysterical and I know it was because he felt bad and did not want to upset Mommy and Daddy.  WWYD?

rebbieW

I'm replying but I know I can't really help in any direct way. What I can tell you is that we've had the same issues in our house - first with DS1 against DD and now, to a lesser degree, DD against DS2. We are not a physical, aggressive family in any way and neither of our older two have ever directed the pushing, pulling and hitting towards anyone but each other. I've heard a million times from friends and on this board that it's part of normal development for many kids.

 I subscribe to the natural consequences style of parenting a la Barbara Coloroso (Kids Are Worth It). Therefore, I don't see the sense in rewarding or punishing for behavior (makes them either fearful or work towards rewards instead of doing something for the intrisic value). I simply watched their every interaction like a hawk, intercepted, prevented and, if it did happen, as it did about once a day, had the child apologize. I repeated the message, "We don't hit in our family" and paid more attention to the victim than to the aggressor. Eventually, DS1 simply grew out of it (when he was close to 4). DD will, too. Just stick with it, reinforce the message, do your best to prevent and bide your time until that developmental phase is over.

By the way, I know this is getting long, but in my desperation, I DID try taking away favorite toys. This only made a bigger drama out of an otherwise quick event, focused attention on the aggressor and did not reduce the frequency of the behavior in any way.

hutchjess

I have been reading about a different discipline method, although my DD is too young to try it in practice.  It is to "shadow" a child who is having a bad day and acting out a lot.  Prevent them (by gently grabbing their hand/foot) from hitting or kicking and say "I will not let you hit her."  Sounds particularly demanding when you have two LO's, but maybe worth a try.  This method also encourages talking them through their emotions, saying "I understand you are angry", validating their feelings but showing them that acting out is not the right way to cope with those feelings.

Sorry this is not very clear--just trying to give you a different option from time-out, which I have not seen be successful in practice.

Littlejen22

Thanks ladies, that actually helps a lot.  I did not like how I reacted either, I am not always the best with reactions but I have never seen him hit her like that before and we were at a loss.  I will share this with DH also.

DandelionMom

I haven't had to deal with that issue but wanted to suggest that maybe he needs some more one on one time with a parent, an outting or special project.  It seems like sibling rivalry issues are almost always resolved after a little extra attention. 

Littlejen22

Thanks ladies, that actually helps a lot.  I did not like how I reacted either, I am not always the best with reactions but I have never seen him hit her like that before and we were at a loss.  I will share this with DH also.