Serious WWYD -- advice needed (long)

EliseB0323

Usually I just vent about my lazy-ass BIL. This time I'm actually looking for serious advice.

To recap -- BIL was in the hospital last week with a heart issue. Doctor first thought he was having a heart attack, but later said it was an infection in the muscle surrounding his heart and the symptoms mimic a heart attack. He was released last Thursday and doctors said he is fine, but needs to follow up with a cardiologist and a couple of other specialists. He was cleared to go back to work this week. He has a desk job -- no real physical activity.

He decided he didn't want to go back to work because he doesn't like his commute. So this week he as been going to the zoo, hanging around the house, driving out to the shore to get fresh seafood, watching TV, etc and they are going on vacation (4 hour drive) today through next Wed. He is taking next week off too (to "recover" from the vacation). He would not take care of his 6-month-old baby so that my sister could take my mom to a medical appointment. He would not take care of her on the day my mom usually watches her or even pick her up early. He has not contacted any of the doctors he needs to followup with.

He has been at his current job for about 3 months. Prior to that he had not held a full-time job for more than 2 years. He does do some real estate title work, but it doesn't bring in much money.

I am really getting worried about my sister and my niece. This guy just seems like a train wreck to me. They have no savings and are living paycheck to paycheck. Yet he is taking 3 weeks off from a job he's had for 3 months. I think he may be trying to get full-time disability and not work at all. My sister works in a field that doesn't pay that well -- even if she works full-time she can't support them herself. They are also planning to start fertility treatments in a few months to have another baby.

I've tried talking to my sister very carefully. She says they are really happy and blames the economy on BIL not making as much money as he thinks he should based on his education. He doesn't like his job, so he hates going to work and is looking for any way out. My mom has made comments like perhaps they shouldn't have another kid until they are more financially stable, etc. and my sister just brushes them off. I can honestly see them living on disability payments and food stamps and/or moving back in with my parents.

Would you do/say anything or just wait for events to run their course?

august06mom

You've tried. Seriously, you need to let go a little and let her live her life, even it means massively screwing up. I would just continue to be there for your  niece, but your sister is an adult. I know it's hard to watch someone screw up their life, but you just have to do it. Hopefully she'll face the music that her BIL is a lazy loser, but I bet that every time you mention it, she probably gets on the defensive about it. She needs to realize it on her own terms.

brightning

Unless she asks you for help, there really isn't much you can do except shake your head. Doesn't sound like a good situation at all.

docmay25

I would just leave it alone.  It sounds like you and your mom have already said something.  I think once you have said something, there isn't much more you can do.  She is an adult and if she doesn't want to take your advice that is her choice.  I know it is probably hard for you to watch.  I have  a friend who has a husband that doesn't help her with anything and it drives me crazy.  She doesn't speak up to him which I don't understand.  Just be there for her as much as you can.  If she asks for advice, definetely give it.  But that is all I think you can do.

Rebekah1021

You tried. What a crappy situation. I feel for you. You might just need to step aside and let them struggle and pray your sister sees the light.

femmegem

I would hate to witness that, but I agree with the PPs. There's no more you can do. I'm sorry.

DandR

i remember when you posted that he got this job that you didn't think it would last because of the commute....sucks.

BUT---not your problem, stay out of it, and don't give any financial support when they need it.  They will eventually learn, but they will have to learn on their own.

 

beanzer

DandR:

i remember when you posted that he got this job that you didn't think it would last because of the commute....sucks.

BUT---not your problem, stay out of it, and don't give any financial support when they need it.? They will eventually learn, but they will have to learn on their own.

?

Ditto DandR, not your issue, I would just stay?out of it?from now on.

katie277s

DandR:

i remember when you posted that he got this job that you didn't think it would last because of the commute....sucks.

BUT---not your problem, stay out of it, and don't give any financial support when they need it.  They will eventually learn, but they will have to learn on their own.

 

This.  It sucks, but they are adults and you can't really do anything else to help the situation. 

mamarazzi

We're in similar situation with my sister and BIL.  He hasn't worked a day in over two years.  He went to Iraq for a brief tour and hasn't even tried to get a job since returning.  He collected (and may still be collecting) unemployment because he said he "needed a break."  He's been arrested twice, has no license (his was revoked, but he could reapply now.  But, they have no insurance, so he can't get one) and expects my sister (who, until last week, had been unemployed for a year and a half) to take care of him.  He was supposed to go on a second deployment and would have been paid quite a bit of money to do so.  He failed the physical exam and refused to retake the test or sign an amendment to his original contract lowering his bonus amount minimally due to not passing the test by the deadline (this is according to him...no one in our family can really figure out how one gets out of a second tour of duty because they decide they don't want to go...).  He's now decided to go to school on the government's dime instead of working and is expecting my sister to bring in all the money.  He didn't even graduate high school.  He barely got his G.E.D.  I'm not very optimistic the whole school thing is going to work out for him.  He's the laziest turd I've ever met. 

They live in a filthy 300sq ft garage apartment above his ex-step-dad's garage.  They smoke several packs a day.  They have more debt than I could even begin to imagine (for starters, I know they owe my dad $4k and that BIL totalled the $6k truck he'd just bought a week prior and it wasn't insured...not to mention they "rent-to-own" their electronics and we get calls all the time looking for them because they're late and they owe a buttload to Verizon after not paying their bill for months on end...they now have Trackphones.)  They're both very overweight and unhealthy.  She doesn't have health insurance.  They don't use any form of birth control.  The worst of it all, though, is that he's not nice to my sister.  A month after they got married, she caught him kissing another girl right outside their apartment.  He talks down to her.  He just throws his pop bottles and trash on the floor by his recliner and expects her to clean it up.  She finally got a job and he spends the entirety of his days sleeping after playing video games all night.

We've ALL tried talking to her (even before they got married).  She was so pulled-together and strong before they got together.  When he was overseas, she was back to her old self.  It's so sad for us to see this what we all knew to be this dynamic, sparkly person being so dragged down by such a douchelord.  But, until she decides she deserves better (and she so does), nothing we say will do anything but make her pull away from us.

She knows she has our support.  She'll occasionally call to vent about him and I try to just listen and offer non-judgemental advice when I can.  I pray she sees the light someday (and that, in the meantime, she doesn't get knocked up).  But no one is going to change her mind about the relationship and their situation except herself.

Sorry you have to watch your sister and niece go through that.  It's so frustrating.

Angela814

It sucks, but there's really nothing you can do until she decides she's ready to change the situation.

We went through something similar with my brother. Well, similar in that he married someone who is completely lazy and crazy. She had a rough childhood, so he felt bad for her. She's borderline personality disorder to a T. Completely and utterly crazy. My brother was in the hospital after having brain surgery. He almost died. She would call and yell at him because she had to take care of the kids while he was in the hospital. We'd visit, and we'd all have to be quiet when she called so that she didn't know we were there. She hated that he has family that cares about him. A couple days after his brain surgery, she "fell" in the shower and hurt her back and went to the ER (at another hospital minutes away mind you) to try to score some vicadin. Meanwhile my brother is all upset and worried about her.

7-8 months later my brother was in a car accident with their 1 yo. He totaled the car, but they were both okay. SIL got mad at him because she thought he totaled the car on purpose so that she couldn't use it. Logical, right? No relief that he was okay, that their DD was okay, she's just pissed that she can't drive the car. She moved out. A week later she moved back in, and he found out that she had been dating some guy while she was gone. He asked her to leave, and he took the kids (1yo and 3yo) with him to our parents house. They are now in the process of getting a divorce. Finally. SIL has seen the kids 2-3 times in the last 4 months.

So I think all you can do is wait it out and let your sister know that you'll be there to help her and your niece if she needs you. You just have to trust that it will somehow work out in the end.