I need help

CarrieLeigh84

My bitterness is starting to scare me. Like really scare me. And you guys know how bitter I am on a regular basis, so for it to be concerning me - you know it's bad.

I don't know what to do with myself. I want to drink my face off, but there's this tiny part of me that wonders if maybe there's still hope. Stupid optimism. 

How did you deal with your second/third/etc loss? I was sad before, but now, holy Jesus, I don't even want to be around myself. 

3ltlones

I'm so sorry.  I was the same way.  I was angry at the world and more angry at myself. It sucks. I didn't deal well for a while, I couldn't.  You have to let things process before you will be able to deal with it.  Right now you are still in a bit of a limbo so it's hard to be anywhere besides bitter.  Hugs.

Are you getting more betas? 

mdm2137

I don't have any good advice, but I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. ((big hugs))

JuJuBe3

I'm so sorry you're going through again and feeling that way.  For me, my 2nd loss hit me very differently than the first.  The first, I was more sad and cried and grieved.  The second more stunned me and made me feel just down and hopeless.  I started to heal by going to therapy, doing more of the things I really enjoy that make me happy and by doing a lot of heavy thinking about mine and DH's future w/ or w/o kids, my religion and just a ton of stuff.  Also, screaming in a place where nobody can hear you (or into a pillow) really lets out stress.  I'm not gonna lie, it took me over 2 months before I started feeling any better. 

I hope you can find something that helps you heal and that it happens much fast for you than it did for me.  But also, it's very fresh for you, so don't put pressure on yourself to feel better too soon.  You're grieving and you have every right to feel the way you feel.

pepomntpat

I wish I had an answer for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. {hugs}

mlmtgg

Carrie - I hate that you feel this way and are going through this.

I can tell you though, that I know exactly what you are feeling. and honestly, I dealt with my second loss with a lot of crying, anger, drinking and eating. a lot. I'm talking months of it. I hated my body. I hated how it made me feel emotionally and physically. I hated that it affected my DH. I felt broken and had no idea how to move forward. 

Unfortunately the moving foward took time and a decision that we were going to move forward. It also took DH convincing me that it was actually okay to feel angry and bitter and upset. (I tend to not let that stuff out). 

RIght now you are in such a difficult spot as you just don't know. What are your next steps? 

CarrieLeigh84

After my first loss, it took me more than a year to get to a point where I could legitimately say that I was ok. Now with this loss, any ounce of hope I had has been shattered. I keep getting told that it's just bad luck. I know there's people in a worse situation than I am in, but we waited so long for this BFP. I don't think I can wait another year and a half for another one, only to be convinced I'll just lose that one too.

Seriously, right now, nothing makes me happy. I know the wound is still very fresh, and perhaps with time it will get better, but it's the here and now that has me worried. 

CarrieLeigh84

mlmtgg:

RIght now you are in such a difficult spot as you just don't know. What are your next steps? 

I don't know. Wait it out? Try clomid again? I just want this to be over, and I want to go to sleep and not wake up for 3 months. Immature, yes, but I'm not sure how much a person is supposed to handle. 

rjl07

I'm so sorry Carrie.  I know that I don't like who I have become through this process either.  I used to talk on the phone and go out with friends all of the time - now I can't stand to be anywhere except on my couch.  The second loss was so much worse for me.  Even though it was a c/p and I was pregnant for only 2 days it was such a shock that it happened again.  I could handle the first one being bad luck even though I was heartbroken, but with the second I really worried that something was wrong with one of us.  The only thing I did was make the appt for the RE and just went forward with the testing and IUI's, well that and lots of wine.  I hope you still have your appt set up for July and you can get some answers.

TravelinMama

Carrie I'm so sorry. 

After my third loss, I let it get the best of me....it takes time. After awhile (a long while probably) you'll be able to put some of that aside.

Right now you're grieving and you deserve to be bitter and angry, take that for yourself right now, it's perfectly normal and natural.

Hugs. 

suntoto

In all honesty, it is a day-to-day process.  I am working on doing things for me- like the memory tattoo.  The tattoo is something that is deeply personal, but will mean the world to me.  Also, I focus on Dante (our Dog) and DH more.  And as weird as this sounds... I sew.  It is a hobby that makes me happy and lets me create things..  It is also an outlet. 

babygirlpriest

I was just thinking this morning how differently I reacted to each loss:

1st loss - I totally fell apart. I mean screaming, crying, not eating LOST IT!!! But I actually think that was the healthiest behavior because I FELT my grief.

2nd loss - just totally numb. I can honestly say I felt almost nothing. Just bitter, sarcastic, 'but of course' attitude. I kinda ignored that one and jumped right on the ttc bandwagon again.

3rd loss - I've gone to a very black place now. It's beyond depression... more like despair. I'm desperately ttc and panicking because I'm running out of time but terrified that I WILL get pg. and lose baby #5, too.

I realized when DH asked me what I wanted to do/get for my birthday that I've totally lost my mojo. NO activity sounds fun, no restaurant sounded exciting... I couldn't even think of a gift I wanted. NOTHING interests me.

What has helped (a bit) is time (cliche', I know), talking about it with DH, taking measures to move forward (scheduling an RE apt. and hsg - though maybe this is just me ignoring my losses again).

I know this sounds flakey but yoga has also helped. I've bawled a couple times in the middle of a class. If the idea of getting off the couch and breaking a sweat sounds exhausting look for a 'gentle yoga' or 'restorative' class. It's the only thing that has helped me forgive my body for failing me.

What has NOT helped - church, religion, prayers, etc... God and I are not on speaking terms. I hope that changes someday. Books - I'm just not much of a self-help book though Grrr recommended one that many people here have liked.

I'm thinking about therapy... I'll go if you go?

KristysRedBarn

I'm sorry Carrie.  I don't think there is anything wrong with being angry, sad and bitter.  That's where your at right now, and rightly so.  To pretend everything is fine or to hid those feelings will only make it worse.  I haven't had a second loss, which I'm certain is very different from the anger of the first loss, but I'd recommend a way of letting that anger out.  We went though a lot of water glasses when I was in an anger phase.  The first glass was an accident, then I realized how wonderful it felt.  A sledge hammer and an old car where the answer from a wonderful cousin-in-law of mine, it felt wonderful to be able to let it out and the physical exhaustion and release it brought was great.

PeetiePie

I'm so sorry Carrie.  This blows - there are just no other appropriate words.

For me I was a whole lot of angry with the first loss.  Then with the second I was just so sad.  Nothing would make me happy.  Even DH said, "you're not going to be happy again unless you're pregnant are you?"  He was almost right.  It really helped having my puppy to keep me occupied.  I don't know what I would have turned into if I didn't have him.

(((big hugs)))

CarrieLeigh84

KP - Me and God aren't really on speaking terms either. In fact I may have called him quite a few nasty names. I'm pretty sure, after the names I called him, I may have earned myself a 1 way ticket to hell.

I'm trying SO hard to keep it together, because BF is having a really hard time with it. He looks so defeated, and that breaks my heart. 

I don't know about therapy. I know I would probably benefit from it, but I just can't see how talking about it right now would do anything more than reduce me to a blubbering mess. Maybe in a little bit? I don't know. 

I know I need to try and find something that makes me happy - but I've spent so long in this TTC world, that I don't know what that is anymore. I used to think that what would make me happy was getting a BFP. But that's not the case anymore. If I ever see another BFP, I can't be happy about it. I'm convinced now that it will just end in heartbreak.

 

Scout05

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I really think therapy is the only reason I was and am able to get out of bed after we lost Pumpkin. I needed an outlet for the pain, and the bitter, and I needed someone to help me figure it out.

I really think talking to someone is the best possible thing you and BF can do for yourselves, if you're not already.

I love you, and I am so sorry.

dondraandluis

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. After this most recent loss I have felt the same way. I wanted to do some many things but still had that little glimmer of hope until I had the 3rd u/s before my D&C. Then I knew. I probably haven't been dealing with things as well as I should personally. I have been keeping my emotions on the back burner and doing stuff like retail therapy and watching a lot of movies and shows to ignore my feelings. Occasionally I have a breakdown. Honestly it probably isn't the best thing but I don't really know how to deal with it. I'm angry at the world right now and probably take it out on most people. Everyone deals in their own way but you sound about like how I feel. I want to get piss ass drunk everyday but I don't. Honestly having a little buzz might be good for me, lol.

Sorry that got so long.

writergirl5786

i don't really have much advice. but i just want you to know that i'm thinking and praying for you lots. ((hugs))

eminbmore

Oh Carrie   I just want to come and give you big huge hugs.  I am so sorry you have to go through this - my heart hurts for you

I didn't do so well with my second loss.  I numbed myself through it - using a combination of alcohol, demorol (not at the same time) and a lot of sleeping.  I think I slept 15-18 hours a day for the first week, just so time would pass quicker and I would feel things less.  I'm not sure it was the healthiest way to deal with it, but it got me through those really dark first days without allowing myself to feel much pain

EntropicEpona

I totally think that what you're feeling, no matter what it is, is perfectly normal. Allow yourself the luxury of grieving and raging and letting it all out. And as stupid as it is, tincture of time will help a lot.

In the meantime, I think that therapy is a great idea. Even if you turn into a blubbering mess, they're pretty damn good at helping you get something out of that blubbering mess.

My heart just aches for you. Nobody should ever have to experience this, let alone somebody as wonderful as you.

ERICA21779

i just want to give you lots and lots of ((((hugs))))........one day at a time or one hour  at a time, etc.  is a good starting point.  Right now you are grieving and you more then have the right to feel how you're feeling.

bbhalphen

::hugs:: Carrie.  This sucks so bad and is so unfair.  I told DH some of the same things about God after my last loss, and he said, "Well the devil sure ain't gonna help you."  I've tried to think about that a lot, because I believe in both of them. Not trying to push religion on you or anything, that was just my experience since you were talking about God. 

And to be honest, this may sound terrible, but when my losses were still fresh, I rationed painkillers from my D&C and would take them during the day.  I cut them in half.  It helped a lot with those first few weeks.

I think PP are right when they said "One day at a time." 

surfergirlkona

Carrie, I am so sorry.  Your feelings are real and true.  Let them out, you have to in order to begin the healing.  If you are angry, scream.  If you are sad, cry.  No one deserves to live through life like this.  I would say getting therapy is a good idea, yet I haven't followed through with that myself.  But I do have one good friend who I talk to often.  Without her, I don't know where I would be.  Do you have anyone that will openly let you confide all of your feelings and fears without being judgemental?  Sometimes our SO's can't be there wholey for us, they too are greiving.  Try to find something that soothes your soul, long walks alone, a hobby like knitting. 

I wish I could take your pain from you.  I give you all my love and lots of hugs.

LMichelleG

First off HUGE HUGS to you!! We all deal with things differently, but I think its probably safe to say most (if not all) of us have been to that dark place. For me each one of my losses has been different.

The first was devastating, just an absolute, unexpected blow and it took me awhile to get through it. I wasn't mad at God I just didn't understand why The 2nd loss came at the heels of just getting over the first loss. It was a CP and essentially the day I found out I was pg I knew almost immediately that I was losing the pregnancy. I bounced back a little quicker.

The 3rd loss sent me to a dark place of bitterness because I just "knew" that this pregnancy was going to be ok. The day I started bleeding I lost it. I was just so mad. Mad at God, mad at my body, mad at every pg woman that crossed my path, mad at people for even talking about being pregnant, mad at Target for having a baby section. It was bad. This was the point I stepped away. I stepped away from the bump, facebook and any situation that I found myself getting depressed. I had to re-focus my energies (on my marriage, my dog, my job, my health, etc.) I decided that how I dealt with my losses was entirely up to me. So for me, my mantra, through-out my recovery with all 3 m/c's, was to focus on the living. I still had a husband, family, friends, etc. things that needed my attention. So I opted to pour myself into those things. I also came to a realization that for me, being a mother is not what is going to make me a whole or complete person. I'm still an amazing person with a loving DH and family. I have a lot to offer the world with or without a child. (Cue the Stuart Smalley SNL skit "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it people like me.") Seriously, it sounds goofy, but that, along with my faith (I'm able to speak to God now) I feel like I'm in a much healthier place. I still have my rough patches, but they are getting fewer and farther between.

triple_sevens

Carrie, you've been dealt some really sh!tty cards and you have every right to scream, cry, be angry or bitter, to hate everyone you meet. I don't know what will help you heal-- therapy, lots and lots of crying, distractions, focusing your efforts on a new job or a new activity, a pet--but I know that you will heal eventually. I can only imagine how keen and overwhelming the feelings after a second loss must be, and I wish you weren't going through this.

ColindaP

Well obviously I haven't had a late term loss, so my loss #1 was very different from yours, but here's a rough idea of my reactions:

#1 - Ok. This sucks, it's sad, cry, whine, biitch about the universe, drink wine, feel awkward around EDD-sharing friend. But I was willing to accept that I was the 1 in 5 and was paying my statistical dues.

#2 - Fvck. Maybe something is wrong. But this loss was at 5w, so it was before I got "attached" so to speak. You all know my stance on early testing, so it's almost like I lost it as soon as I found out. But I started to get worried and sad about my chances of ever having a baby.

#3 - Really, really not in a good place, especially with the shiitty leper treatment I got from the OB/midwives' office I was going to. But while I was once again sad and depressed and angry and bitter, I was hopeful - we found the RE, started testing, etc. Then came the "you have the eggs of an 82 year old and there's nothing we can do about that except let you pay $15k to probably just get a confirmation of that diagnosis via IVF" thing and I got much, much worse, and much, much more bitter and angry and depressed.

#4 - I vacillate between being totally numb and in an absolute fit of outrage. This one HAD to work, right? Everyone else gets pregnant by threatening their body with IVF, why not me too? And then I go back to "Oh, silly girl - of COURSE not you. Haven't you learned anything yet?" And that makes me even angrier and more bitter. I'm kind of interested to see where my mood goes when the blood and gore part of this miscarriage finally starts. So far, it hasn't happened, so it hasn't become 100% "real" yet - only about 98.9%.

I think I have a slightly different take on this than a lot of people here. With each loss, since they are so early, I still didn't feel that connected or attached to hte pregnancy. So I feel a lot of the sadness of losing each of these chances, but I wasn't connected enough to really be mourning it like the death of a person, kwim? What really, really gets to me and ruins my days is the fact that I have no hope, and no reason to hope, that I will ever have children, and fate, destiny, the universe, mother nature, god, whatever you wanna call it, has found the cruelest way possible to drive that fact home.

Also, I feel compelled to add that I am certain that were it not for the thyroid medication, I would have stabbed a random stranger in the street after this loss, just for the joy of making someone else hurt. 

LMichelleG

Ummm ... so sorry, I had no intention of writing a novel.

ColindaP

LMichelleG:

Ummm ... so sorry, I had no intention of writing a novel.

Ha! Nor did I, nor, I'm sure, did BGP.

kew243

It is just a crazy process.  I guess they say that time can heal wounds and really that is all that has happened for me.  Once someone here said something like, you begin TTC again when the hope is stronger than the scariness of it.  I think we all feel it differently and deal with it differently.  I hope you find your own way of healing.  After my last loss I was in a really dark place and my mom was threatening on calling a doctor to put me on meds, but I got better and here I am trying again.  sigh.

LMichelleG

ColindaP:

LMichelleG:

Ummm ... so sorry, I had no intention of writing a novel.

Ha! Nor did I, nor, I'm sure, did BGP.

I really appreciate what you wrote. You've been through hell, and it sucks!! Your 2nd m/c sound a lot like my 2nd. Uggg ... what a shiiity thing we've been through!

grr_aargh

1st loss:  I supported myself with platitudes: But you have 2 already, it wasn't your time, it was such a surprise, it'll be fine next time, this was your due for 2 easy pregnancies, at least you have kids.

2nd loss:  I drank some.  And cried.  And still held onto platitudes.  And I worked out and got hot again.  I did the 30 day shred every day and walked 1-2 miles per day as well.  I got hard - in every sense.

3rd loss:  I quit teaching Sunday school, went on a 2 week bender, threw myself into parenting the 2 that I do have and yet withdrew emotionally from everyone, and stopped talking to God.  I vowed to stop TTC.  I discussed my bro & his baby mama with abject hatred.  I couldn't bear to see photographs of my nephews (born 3 days before my 1st EDD). 

4th loss:  I got so bitter, I couldn't stand the sight of myself.  Actually, the self I saw in the mirror was some different lady than ME.  I nearly fired my OB.  I quit taking vitamins, quit taking care of myself, just kind of quit everything.  Every day, I showed up.  I did what I had to but no more. 

I honestly don't know how I came out of it.  I sat down with my pastor who asked me if I saw a difference between the universe and God - and I did.  The universe is uncaring, cruel, independant.  God is supposed to be love and light.  I read "When good Things Happen to Bad People" and explored the limited nature of God.  I came to conclude that nobody that loved me would torture me so, so either God was a jack_ass who hated me OR God was suffering right along with me and I preferred to believe the latter.  I reread Jon Cohen's "Coming to Term" for hope.  I had a thin strand.  That's it.  Like a spiderweb thin strand that would occasionally catch the light but generally go unseen.

We just kept at it.  That's all.  No magic.  No hope.  We screwed like animals with the belief that one day it fvcking had to work because it just DID. 

I thought getting and staying pregnant would make me better.  It hasn't.  The bitter's still here, combined with a bit of sardonic wit and a whole lot of humor into what my friend calls "a delightful plaid of pain."  If I didn't have a safe place with people with whom I could express it, I'd be a goner.  Straightjacket, pills, the whole 9 yards. 

JenL12345

I'm so sorry. I'm almost a month post second m/c, my reaction to it is much duller.  The first loss I was completely devastated, fell apart, screaming, crying on a daily basis.  Still had a tough time on CD1 days until I got pg again.  After my 2nd loss I was upset for the first couple of days but also had the "of course this is happening to me" thinking....and had unprotected sex right away...well before the doc told me I could. I'm in the "what will it matter anyway" state of mind.  I know that's not healthy but it's where I'm at. 

Shemico

Everyone has posted long stories that I just don't have the energy to do myself.

I can say that after this last loss I've gone from devestated to numb. I go from thinking the only way I will feel right is to be ku again to I should just accepte what I have and move on.  Some days are harder then others.

The only advice I have is take it day by day. We did some counselling and it helped a bit to have a real live person "understand". Sometimes it helps to come to the bump and be with others who understand. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to deal with all the sadness or even be happy for those who are posting bfps so I drop in and out of the bump a lot. I don't have any magic answers. *big hugs*

-S

jumagirl

I'm so sorry, Carrie.  One of the bigger mistakes I made after the first 2 losses was thinking that I'd been down this road before and therefor could fast forward through the grieving process and move on right away.  That didn't really work out for me.  I coped with a lot of drinking and eating - not exactly healthy.

Just know what whatever you're feeling is normal.  There's not a right or wrong way to go through this, nor a proper timeline.  I find that the more extreme the emotion, the better; it's that dull inbetween when things get scary and you start to feel like you'll never get out of it.  If that persists to the point BF worries about you, it might be time to talk.  If you do see a therapist, I strongly recommend someone who specializes in fertility issues.

 Lots of love and hugs to you, sweetie. 

butterfly843

So sorry, I am sending big hugs your way. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and I am here if you ever need to vent/talk, etc.