Antepartum signs of PPA/PPD? Long, I apologize.
Hello, ladies, I'm sorry for the intrusion, but I really need to ask some questions and maybe just telling this to someone who has been there will make a difference. I'm sorry that this is so long but thanks in advance for listening.
Here's the background: I have suffered with anxiety and depression for most of my adult life - in retrospect I can see that I had some symptoms way back in high school but I wasn't diagnosed until my last semester at college when the dam broke open. On top of trying desperately to graduate, I had to have emergency surgery, I was going through a very tough breakup, and I felt like I just couldn't cope anymore. After talking to the doctor, she put me on a Paxil regimen which I stayed on for five years.
Fast forward to about a year and half ago. I felt like I had come to a place in my life where I maybe didn't need to be on SSRI anymore. I told my psychologist that my husband and I were talking about trying for a baby and that I wanted to discontinue the Paxil. That was a feat in and of itself, but I did it and everything went great - until now.
At 29 weeks pregnant, it feels like the full weight of my anxiety has crashed into me like a ton of bricks, but it comes and goes only in very small doses, not the crippling everyday affair that I was used to five years ago. I have learned a bunch of coping techniques to try to get through any bouts of panic I might have.
Very early Sunday morning I had the most crippling panic attack I've had in a long, long time. My thought process always begins as a tiny seed and spirals downward into a very dark place (rest assured that I have not had any thoughts about harming myself or anyone else) which was hard for me to come back from this time.
"I'm not good enough to be a mother, I will fail at breastfeeding, I won't be a good mother, I'm not good enough to deserve the unwavering love of my husband, he will leave me, I'm not good enough, I'm never good enough." That was the thought pattern and it only got worse and worse until my heart raced and I couldn't breathe, relax, unclench my jaw, sleep, or anything. I thought, this seems familiar, I know this is a panic attack and I can get through it - these thoughts are unfounded and I'm going to be fine. It passed, of course, after a while and since then I've been ok, no recurrences.
It was enough, however, to remind me that I am not "cured" of my anxiety and depression and it's been bothering me. My concern then becomes that I'm at a higher risk for PPA and PPD as someone who has already dealt with anxiety and depression. I wonder if anyone else who had experiences with being medicated for anxiety or depression had any similar experiences or were told anything by their doctors about being at an increased risk for a breakdown after the baby is born. I know it's just something else for me to worry about at this point but after putting all this down I do already feel a bit better about it. Should I ask my OB or my psychologist about what I'm feeling and what to do? Should I see if it was just a one-shot occurrence and bring it up only if it happens again?
Thanks again for reading all this and thanks in advance for any replies.
Re: Antepartum signs of PPA/PPD? Long, I apologize.
First of all, all pregnant women have some level of "will I be good enough" etc.
Having said that, I suffered with depression before conceiving DS and was fine all throughout my pregnancy. Afterward it was terrible until I was finally diagnosed with PPD when he was 6 months old. It lasted quite a while but I finally got my balance back (with therapy and medication).
When I became pregnant with DD I had the detailed talk with my doctor but since I was fine while pregnant with DS we didn't really worry. When I was 5.5 months pregnant I knew something was wrong. I didn't even know that it could hit while pregnant. I decided to not start medication and stick with therapy until DD was born. It was tough but DH and I made the decision to try and avoid any medication while PG unless it was necessary.
When I left the hospital after she was born they gave me a prescription and strict instructions to me and DH that it was to be filled immediately if either one of us thought it was getting bad. Two weeks after coming home, DH brought me the filled prescription because he could see what I couldn't. As a result I am much happier this time around and am really enjoying life again.
No matter what you will the best mother that your baby could ever have as long as you make sure to take care of yourself. It is good that you are aware of all of this and just keep your head up.
I had 'issues' before DS was born and now I am pregnant with #2. I think it would be great for you to talk to someone...even 1 session before your baby gets here. With my first pregnancy, my OB sent me to a therapist and she was able to monitor me and pick up on PPD etc..
Try not to worry and know that you will get through it. And you are taking great care of yourself and your LO by trying to make sure you're OK from now.
Good luck to you. And don't worry about such a long post. :-)
Also check out: https://www.postpartum.net/Get-Help.aspx