I want a 3rd, DH says is unsure, leaning towards no

lilpiglet

What do you do when you want a 3rd child but DH isn't sure and you are pretty sure he's leaning towards no?

I really want another child, but DH is good with being done now.  At first DH said he wasn't sure about a 3rd because of the economy, then he said he's getting to old, he's 32!  Now he says he's not sure if he'll have patients for a 3rd.

Economy- don't give me that excuse, you don't know how things might be in a year or two

age- 32 is not to old to have another child, besides I'll be the one carrying the baby and I'm 27

patients- He really doesn't do much with the kids when they are babies anyway, i change them, feed them, get up with them, etc.  As they get older and get more mobile, etc. then he starts to play with them, really interact with them, etc.  but as far as the newborn stage "mommy" does her thing, if that makes sense....

should I try and get over wanting a 3rd and if so how do i even start by being ok with knowing I'm never going to have a baby again? 

GingerSB

I think you should give it some time and see if he changes his mind.

 

EliseB0323

I think you have to treat his concerns as important. It sounds like you are blowing them off as "not good enough."  After all, what "good reasons" do you have for wanting a 3rd child, other than you just want another?

I think if either parent does not want another kid that's enough reason not to have another. No one should be pushed into having a child they don't want.

littlemermaid

I think you need to put this topic on the back burner for now since your youngest is still very young and bring it back up sometime in the future.  He might change his mind once the youngest one is a bit older.

lilpiglet

I'm not pushing him into having another child.  And I'm not saying his concerns aren't important, but I think they are just excuses for him being "scared".  He used the "economy" reason for wanting to wait as long as we did between DS#1 and DS#2.  And I think he went from the "age" reason to the "patient" reason because he realized 32 isn't to old to be having a child. 

I think he should at least hear me out and consider my reason's for wanting another child.  It's not that easy to want a 3rd and then try and forget about it because your H is scared, doesn't want to discuss, etc.

EliseB0323

lilpiglet:

I'm not pushing him into having another child.  And I'm not saying his concerns aren't important, but I think they are just excuses for him being "scared".  He used the "economy" reason for wanting to wait as long as we did between DS#1 and DS#2.  And I think he went from the "age" reason to the "patient" reason because he realized 32 isn't to old to be having a child. 

I think he should at least hear me out and consider my reason's for wanting another child.  It's not that easy to want a 3rd and then try and forget about it because your H is scared, doesn't want to discuss, etc.

Yes, of course he should hear you out and discuss the issue. But whatever his reasons are if he doesn't want another kid, he doesn't want another kid. I don't think anyone has to justify their reasons for wanting or not wanting kids. And I think NOT wanting a third child trumps wanting one.

lilpiglet

I think what makes it so hard it because we have always said 3 or 4 kids so with him all of a sudden saying ok i think i'm done at 2, is just hard

EliseB0323

lilpiglet:

I think what makes it so hard it because we have always said 3 or 4 kids so with him all of a sudden saying ok i think i'm done at 2, is just hard

OK, what if the situation were reversed and he really wanted another child and you didn't? And he didn't think your reasons for not wanting a child were justified. How would you feel? Would you just go along with having another kid because you once agreed it would be nice to have 3 or 4?

DandelionMom

I think giving it a little time is a good idea.  After each of my kids I swore I was done, until the baby was about 3 then things settled down enough that I could think of having another one. 

But 3 kids absolutely can be overwhelming so don't discount your H's feelings on it. 

I think you might want to agree to reconsider the topic at a set time (maybe a year or two?).  And until then don't worry about not having another baby, just enjoy your family as is. 

EliseB0323

In the spirit of full disclosure -- We have one kid. I can't have more because of health reasons. I am OK with this, but at one time wanted to consider adopting another child. DH does not want to adopt. He doesn't have any really compelling reasons other than he just doesn't want to. I feel I have to respect that. I sure as hell would want him to go through with an adoption and raise another child if he was unsure that he want to.

*Amy*

I would give it some time.  Try not to think about it/discuss it and then revisit it maybe in 6 mo.  Sometimes with your present kiddos that much older, a 3rd can seem more feasible.

You should also cut him some slack on what you guys always said you wanted.  We always said 4, until we had 2.  Then the reality set in and we knew that it would be no more than 3.  To think of kids as numbers before you have them is a lot different then the reality of them, so he could have discovered that along the way.

Bride2b2004

We are kind of in the same boat.  

EliseB0323:

I think you have to treat his concerns as important. It sounds like you are blowing them off as "not good enough."  After all, what "good reasons" do you have for wanting a 3rd child, other than you just want another?

I think if either parent does not want another kid that's enough reason not to have another. No one should be pushed into having a child they don't want.

 This.  And what the pp said above.  You have plenty of time.  I would back off for a year and see how he feels.  Your LO is still a baby, wait until he is a toddler or preschooler and see if DH feels differently.  Especially if others around are having babies, he might feel the irresistible pull of being called "Dada" again.  

ccm1203

I would give it some more time from 18 mos to almost 3 years there is no way I could have handled 3 kids.

rebs

I do agree that you should give it some time before discussing again, like agree to have a serious discussion about it in 6 months.  That will give you both time to think about pros and cons.  However I do have sympathy that you want to follow what your family plan was and it has suddenly been changed on you.

If you DH is on the fence (you haven't said he is completely against it), then try telling him something my moms friends told me when we were considering our third- you never regret the children you have, but you might regret the ones you don't have.  It didn't change my mind right away, but I always thought about it while we were discussing our plans.

ridesbuttons

Bride2b2004:

We are kind of in the same boat.  

EliseB0323:

I think you have to treat his concerns as important. It sounds like you are blowing them off as "not good enough."  After all, what "good reasons" do you have for wanting a 3rd child, other than you just want another?

I think if either parent does not want another kid that's enough reason not to have another. No one should be pushed into having a child they don't want.

 This.  And what the pp said above.  You have plenty of time.  I would back off for a year and see how he feels.  Your LO is still a baby, wait until he is a toddler or preschooler and see if DH feels differently.  Especially if others around are having babies, he might feel the irresistible pull of being called "Dada" again.  

I agree with most of this.  You do not need to make this decision today, tomorrow or even next year.  Being scared is reason enough to not have a child.  It is not an excuse, it is a legitimate reason, moreso than the economy, patience or anything else.  Pushing him into this may make him resentful which would be counterproductive at best.

peekaboo716

I know exactly where you are coming from. My DH is against having a 3rd and I want one SO badly. I just don't think our family is complete. In our situation, it's basically financial. DH doesn't think we could afford another. DH and I are both much older than you and your DH, so time is definitely on your side.

Like the pp, I would suggest revisiting the discussion in about 6 months or so.

Good luck.

adri77

Wait.....how old is your youngest?  Still a baby?  I think YOU also need to give YOURSELF time, if your youngest is still a baby.  Life with 2 mobile children is waaaay different (IMO) than life with a baby and toddler.  I was for sure certain I wanted a third from like when DS2 was a newborn until about 11-12 months.  Now that they are both all over the place and there is a lot of fighting, and NEVER a dull moment when they are both up, there is a small part of me that thinks I'm absolutely insane for wanting to add another child to this mix. 

LuvinMyKids

I think you should "plant the seed and let it grow" in regards to letting your DH warm up to the idea of a 3rd child.  I have learned that this can work very well.  You don't want to push too hard, but at the same time it's important to let him know how you feel in a non-confrontational way.

I think a lot of people focus on the person who is being "forced" into having another child, when I think it's just as difficult (if not more, honestly) to be the person who wants more children & is faced with the possibility of not having them.  I love the saying "you never regret the children you have, only the ones you didn't."  I love having a big family and would love one more child.  Fortunately for me, my DH recognizes how important children are to me & is willing to have a large family.  I hope you & your DH can reach an agreement.  GL!!