Military Families
mollylila
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vent... also a blended family topic, but with a military twist
mollylila
member
i have two stepkids, i adore them. custody is 50/50, but my DH is currently undergoing pre-deployment training in another state and will be deploying right around my due date. (im in the third trimester) i get along okay with BM (bio-mom, for those of you not familiar with blended family topic), and see the kids about once a week since my DH left. I had my first overnight visit with them last weekend, and it felt like for the first time, there were some issues/controversy... it was almost cancelled due to a "scheduling error" but the whole scenario didn't quite make sense... i was wondering whether it was a cop out. When DH found out, he called BM and made sure the kids would be staying with me for the night. The visit was awesome and fun, but I could tell that BM (understandably) had her reservations about it. The kids were picked up by someone from BM's family so I hadn't talked to her. Well, DH called me tonight asking about why BM heard that "my dad was uncomfortable with the kids spending the night" (we had moved into his house right before DH left, but the kids are comfortable there and its worked out pretty well so far). Supposedly, I had told BM's grandma this "fact"..... I did talk to BM's grandma when I picked up the kids, but definitely not about that! And my dad absolutely loves them, and I know he has never said anything in the least to convey that. So IDK where that came from.... On top of everything, I guess SS (stepson) had said that he wanted to sleep in his own bed at his moms... I totally understand that, if he doesn't feel quite at home without his dad there. And would never want him to spend the night if he felt homesick for his moms. The little guy has had a rough time with everything, much more than his little sister. But I would hate for my time with them to be even more limited because of that. I understand if she wants her son to be comfortable and would not ask that they spend the night after that... but I feel like I am their only connection to their dad, since he is gone and all of his family is in another state. I guess I am just scared that BM will not want the kids to visit with me at all, or just once a month, and that they won't be close to their baby sister when she comes, and will have even MORE change to adjust to when their dad gets back. And I feel like BM won't do much to encourage communication with their dad... and I want DH to get pictures, videos, letters, drawings, etc from the kids. I doubt that he would recieve those if not for me sending them. Sorry for the long post, I am just emotional with all the prego hormones and missing my DH AND my stepkids.... and hoping that my relationship with BM remains okay. I want to be involved with them, for my sake, their sake, the baby's sake, and especially DH's sake.
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Re: vent... also a blended family topic, but with a military twist
I think you're blowing the situation a bit out of proportion and unnecessarily making it all about yourself. Your stepson didn't feel comfortable spending the night, but you insisted that he do it anyway? Not the best way to maintain a good relationship with him or his mother.
Call your stepkids' mom and talk to her about what happened. This is not about you, it's about the kids. Make sure that they really are comfortable at your house--they may have been the ones to say that they thought your dad didn't want them there and your husband misunderstood his ex-wife when she told him about the sleepover. Make it clear both in your mind and with their mom that A: you want to maintain your relationship with them while your husband is gone, and B: you want to make sure that they're comfortable with you and in your home.
Finally, it's not their mom's responsibility to make sure your husband gets letters and photos from his kids. That's your job. Alienating her or the kids by insisting that they do things your way, even when they've expressed discomfort with your plans, is a great way to shut down communication. Repeat to yourself that it's not about you, it's about the kids. If they don't want to do something you've planned, you need to roll with the punches rather than insisting that you get your way.
I believe you have some valid concerns, but try not to take it personally. If you are worried about the kids connection with their dad then you need to make sure their Mom has access to Skype, and agent letter so she can take advantage of all the beni's the kids will get while daddy is deployed.
Focus on their communication with HIM not their time with YOU. While it is important that they know you and have time with you - the really important thing is that you all work together to foster their relationship with him while he is overseas.
Maybe ask if you can take them 2 weekends a month since the overnight trip isn't working. Schedule fun days, trips, visits with the kids individually... etc. If you hear about something that you think the kids would enjoy - call their Mom and ask her if you can take them - OR - maybe the two of you take them together.
Good Luck... I am sure everyone is trying to do "the right thing" sometimes its just hard to know what that is.
Maybe you can do daytime visits like from 9-7 instead of overnights?
How long have you been living with your DH? I am seeing it from a kids perspective and if I had to go to my stepmoms for overnights when my dad wasn't there it would be very weird. Can you just see them for daytime at least for a while? Esp if you all haven't been married that long.
I think it is great you are trying to maintain a loving relationship with them, but you have to do what is best for them. They are also having to go through a deployment, too.
GL!
I totally disagree with this aspect. If their Mom has them 99% of the time then it would make sense that she would be part of the communication loop between the children and their father during a deploymnet. The OP said they have a decent relationship. I would think it would be easier for letters/cards etc to go straight from Dad to Kid not via step-mom via mom.
Wow, big misunderstanding there....
I had found out days after the overnight visit that SS told his MOM that he wanted to sleep in his bed at his moms. During my visit, he never said anything of the sort. And in my post, I had said that I WOULD NEVER WANT HIM TO STAY IF HE WAS UNCOMFORTABLE. I won't be having any overnight visits unless the kids ask for one. I was just expressing my concern about the whole situation, I felt really bad that he felt that way. That night I did my best to make sure he was comfortable, and he seemed fine. I also would have them myself at night plenty of times when their dad worked a graveyard shift. Moving on...
Their mom specifically said that HER grandma (who came out to my car and hopped in to talk to me while I was waiting for the kids to be ready during the pickup) had told her that I said the thing about my dad. Not that the kids thought anything like that.
You say that its not their mom's responsibility AT ALL to maintain their relationship with their father. Which was what I was saying... I love my visits with them because 1. I get to spend time with them, and 2. My DH gets to skype with them, and I can take pictures to send to him, etc. He is not used to being away from them, and hasnt deployed since they were born... So its hard on botht hem and him. It kills him that he can't be there for him in person. So it just means a lot to me to be able to take pictures, and help them to skype and everything. We had tried to make sure they could skype at their mom's, but it just hasn't happened yet (she has a computer w/ camera and internet connection).
I think I obviously posted this on the wrong board... I was looking for some support, it was just a vent. And instead I received replies that were more like attacks on being a stepmother than anything else. Take time to actually READ and you won't misconstrue details like where I would NEVER ask that the kids stay the night if they are uncomfortable. I would have driven him to his moms in a heatbeat if I knew... homesickness is no fun.
The thing I love about their visists is that I get to help them skype with their dad, we made fathers day cards last week, I show them pictures their Dad has sent me and take plenty of pictures and videos to send my DH. Trust me, these visits are definitely not "all about me"...
I have gone out of my way to make sure their mom can access military benefits with him gone... I even got the kids (age 3 and 5) their military ID's to make it easier for HER to take them to the doctor, etc. on my last afternoon visit. And have given her TONS of information on resources for the kids during the deployment... the YMCA's on base that have awesome programs, counseling resources, all sorts of stuff... I ordered a video that explains deployments for kids and its sesame street, and sent it to her. I have done my best to help out everybody in this situation.
I think you need to sit down with their Mom and talk over a communication pllan with her or the grandparents. You never know when YH wil be able to skype/call. It would be great if everyone understood/ had a plan for talking to him over there. It would help get past stress and worry about who to call, when... if they will be mad... etc.
It SOUNDS like their Mom isn't an awful person to deal with. You could just ask her if it would be okay if they skyped at her place too (since she has them soooo much more than you do).
Good Luck ~ and ignore shitttty answers on the web. You'll never find good information if you only see the crappy stuff people write sometimes.
P.S. Their Mom might need an 'Agent Letter" to get them care on base, use the commissary... etc. If you are near an Active Post. It might actually help out relations between everyone. The only beni's she will have access to are those authorized for the kids.
We live too far away from any bases to really take advantage of the commissary, etc. With gas, the savings wouldn't be worth the time.
I will look into the Agent Letter, and I was also told she would need a medical power of attorney (from DH) for HER to make medical decisions for the kids would be needed if she was to take them to a military hospital (their PCM is in our hometown, local hospital is at capacity). Would an Agent Letter rule that out??
Actually that is not correct. It depends on what the CO states. If BM has the legal ability to make medical decisions for the children, then that legal document is enough for TRICARE.
In fact, even if the BF does not have that right, but has to provide health care coverage, the BM can still bring the kids to a base - especially if they live in the catchment area and MUST go on base.
I never even responded to your post.... ???
This would depend on their custody agreement. Regardless of who pays the insurance bill if she has full custody during deployment it shouldn't matter, and this should be part of his Family Care Plan.
Also, NO, an Agent letter would not (to my knowledge) handle medical. An agent letter allows someone WITHOUT access to a Military post - when they are acting on behalf of the child. i.e. if they needed to go to the base for a kids day... she would present the agent letter along with the childrens' military dep i.d. this would grant her access to the post/base.
I'm sorry, when you said replies and their were only 3 people on this board that had responded I assumed you meant me and NSL, since you were talking to AMN.
No worries, good luck
Ok, I will definitely be getting an Agent Letter then. Thanks for the tips!
No problem... that's what friends are for... :-)