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Parenting after 35
Probably flammable--s/o of "spoiling" your child/baby
What does "spoiling" your baby even mean? I get the concept of spoiling a child by buying them everything they want, letting them eat whatever they want, giving into temper tantrums that will cause them to become entitled and not able to accept the word NO. But "spoiling" a child/baby by holding them or picking them up when they cry?
If she does become "spoiled" by these things, what horrible things are supposed to happen? She will grow to expect love from her mother whenever she wants it? I'm OK with that kind of spoiling.
Flame away.
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Re: Probably flammable--s/o of "spoiling" your child/baby
I personally think this post is flameless any day of the week!
I agree with your concept of the term "spoiling".
I do think it is possible that the baby could get used to being held and maybe that would make for a more difficult transition when it's time for separation from the parents. Does that mean I won't hold Logan as much? Nope.
I think you just have to balance the time LO spends in your arms by providing time on his/her own as well ie. swing, bouncer or something where he/she is independent for a bit.
When I hear the word "spoiled," I think more of material things rather than contact/activity.
Example... we have friends who pretty much give their daughter anything she wants. Right now she likes puppies, so they are looking into giving her a puppy, even though the mom isn't too keen on having both a toddler and a new puppy in the house. I asked her, " What will you do if she wants a dinosaur!" Puts it in perspective a bit.
When C is older, we intend to implement a rule that if you want a new toy, you have to give one away to charity. My sister did that and it really cut down on how much they "want" because they certainly didn't want to give up one of their own toys to get the new one.
What a great idea!
What was your friend's response about the dinosaur?
This is what I think of a spoiling too. That's why I've never understood the concept of a spoiling a baby by holding.
I admit I was spoiled as a child with materials goods. My parents loved me but they showed their love through buying things. My husband was horrified the first Christmas he spent with my family - just the pure consumerism on display. My parents bought three times as much for him than his own parents did that year.
That said, I do not want to make the same mistakes. I agree that kids need to learn about giving to others. When Matt is old enough for an allowance 40% will go to savings and 10% to a charity of his choice. For birthdays and Christmas we are going to have him choose which of his new gifts go to a charity as well.
My hope is that he does not grow up with the same sense of entitlement I did. It makes for a hard fall when you are older.
NO flames here sister! I figure my child will only be little for a very short time. During that time I will hold her, kiss her and love her as much as I want. She doesn't seem to mind!
I held my child a ton when she was small. I got the comments "don't you ever put her down"?? I think my dd is very well adjusted,behaved and is an excellent sleeper. I don't hold my dd all day now because she is getting heavy and my back hurts!
I think you can "spoil" children when they are older from all the things you mentioned but not now.
I couldn't agree with you more.
I grew up without EVER (and I do mean Ever) hearing "I love you" from *anyone* in my family. Even today, my parents, siblings, etc do not say it to one another. And it repulses me. I understand Actions speak louder than words but come on. Say it once in a while. I'm not certain, but I suspect we didn't get a lot of physical affection (hugs, kisses) when we were younger either because we don't hug or kiss one another either.
I guess that's why I smother Sabrina with hugs, kisses, snuggles, I Love You's, ALL.THE.TIME. Like you said, How the hell can you spoil someone with affection? I don't understand that. I just don't. Who (or what) else are they going to turn to when they need to feel safe, warm, and secure when they're older??!?
Now ask me how many, what kind of toys she has and the list will be pretty small to be honest. For her birthday, I'm going to tell people to get Books if they ask bc she gets plenty of toy time at daycare.
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I have no degree in infant psych, so this is all just reading plus my own opinion...
A baby doesn't understand the difference between "want" and "need." Yes, it's part of your job to teach them, but the idea that they're "manipulating you to get attention" is kind of silly to me. They're a few months old. Of course they are, but not for fun, or because it's a game, but because they are babies and need love and attention to survive. If you let them cry, or ignore them when they are telling you what they want, you are not only teaching them that what they want doesn't matter, but depriving them of the satisfaction of successfully communicating what they want.
Bleargh, that seems scattered when I re-read, but I have pms and am too addlepated to fix it.
When they start really acquiring language and can understand a little more what's going on, things change.
About the puppy v. dinosaur thing... I'm pretty open with my friend. She and I don't agree on some child rearing things, but she knows I'll be blunt with her.
I think it's more her husband who wants the puppy. He travels for work a lot and training and caring the dog will probably fall on her more than him. She's not so keen about that, so the Dinosaur comment made her laugh.
In the end, the girl will likely get her puppy. Mom will probably complain about it often. Ha.
I think it's more the concept that, after a certain age (maybe 4-6 months), they may start to make noises or fuss just to get attention. And if you run to them every time they make a squeak, you end up with an exhausted parent and a child who can't/won't do anything independently.
For example, several people I know said their kid hit an age where they would do a fake cough just to see their caregiver come running. Nothing was wrong. And while I love spending time with my DD, if I couldn't finish breakfast/pee/etc. because my kid was fake coughing, that would be a bit much.
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This exactly. I think letting a baby cry to "train" them is a bit abusive. Babies cry because they need something, even if that something is your arms. I go to my baby when he needs me and I've never let him CIO. And you know what?... he's awesome! He sleeps through the night and is generally a low-maintenance baby. So he didn't get "spoiled" b/c I didn't let him cry. I waited a long time to have a baby and I'm going to love him as much as I can. We will set some rules and be firm when needed but he will know that he is loved.
ditto!!!! ...and Orchid even used to...gasp...sleep in bed with us. when she was ready, she decided she liked her bed better and 99.999% of the time sleeps through the night 8 to 12 hours. She even communicates her need to be put to bed at night and afternoon nap. It was the same with all five of my children. They have never doubted that their mommy loves them and are secure in that love. Studies have shown time and again that this security begins in infancy as their needs are met. yes, even fake coughing is still a need for your attention and it should be recognized and the need fulfilled.
This. It's not about not showing your kid love and attention. But it is about showing some restraint in certain situations as you judge so they can learn that yes, they can be okay by themselves and hey, even have a good time whether that it is a new group situation or alone. Not saying I haven't on occasion picked up DS when I know he's faking for attention but there are also many times I haven't and instead encouraged him to entertain himself.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO