a wwyd ?
Faith1318
member
Just looking for some feedback from ladies who understand what it's like to be a military spouse, esp. since I can't bounce this off of anyone IRL.
If you were ready to TTC #2, but your DH was about to be deployed (deployment #2) for 7-8 months....
Would you go for it, knowing that if you were successful you'd be giving birth just a few weeks after he returns? (What if there are complications or baby is born early? Not likely given my age/history, but still.)
Or wait until he gets back to TTC, even though by the time baby arrives there could very well be another deployment or PCS on the horizon?
We're ready for another child now, and we do want 3-4 eventually, but I'm nervous at the thought of having him gone and being a single parent for virtually the entire pregnancy.
Thanks for whatever thoughts/support you have... I'm so torn right now about what is the "right" thing to do, because there really is no right/wrong.
(Of course we can also choose not to prevent over R&R, but that's not really a solid "plan" since it very possible we won't even have a shot at conceiving in such a short window.)
baby #4 due March '17!
Re: a wwyd ?
For me, there is absolutely no way in helll that I would go through a pregnancy alone. I was an emotional wreck, and my husband was my rock. If he wasn't here, I probably would have gone insane. I was on bedrest, and that would have been nearly impossible without him. When he came home, he would cook me dinner and clean the house. Without him, I would have been starving and lived in a very dirty house.
We've talked about this option ourselves (although I'm no where near ready to TTC another) and we've decided that we will wait until he is home from a deployment for what we know will be a significant amount of time. I would much rather spend the first few months alone than an entire (or part of a) pregnancy.
We started TTC #3 right when he got back from his first deployment in November 2007. We still were not pregnant in the summer and we knew he would deploy anytime between November and February. We talked about holding off but we already had to hold off for 15 months during the first deployment and it was taking awhile. We decided to keep trying. I got pregnant September 2008 and he left the first week of December. I knew I would deliver alone since it was a 12 month deployment. But knowing how often he was gone if we would have waited yet another year what would happen if it just kept taking as long when he got back.
It worked out fine for me and I was in Germany away from all family. I did fine raising my first 2 and being pregnant. I did have a difficult pregnancy but my husband was still there for me to vent to. If he would have been there with me it's not like there was much he could do for me. My best friend was in the delivery room with me and she was amazing. He had R&R when she was 2 months old and came home from that deployment when she was 6 months. Sure it wasn't ideal but we wanted to expand our family and were ready at that time.
There is no guarantee he will ever be home for an extended amount of time so it really isn't something you can count on. It actually work out well for us. Yeah he missed the pregnancy and the first 6 months but he has been here for her learning to crawl, first words, seeing her personality really develop, first steps, first birthday etc. He left for basic training right before my second daughter turned one. That age was tough since she knew enough to know he was gone but didn't understand. And sadly it took her a few days to really warm up to him when he came home. No matter what in the military they will miss out on a portion of a child's life, there really is no way to choose what part they miss out on since it is all so special.
We were in that position and went ahead with TTC. He left when I was around 12 weeks pregnant and luckily was able to make it back before the baby was born. Had he not, I had a doula lined up (and who still attended the birth) and friends who were ready to step in and help however necessary. We were both more comfortable with him missing the pregnancy and possibly the birth to be there for more of the baby's first year, than we were with the idea of having another child while facing an impending deployment just after they were born.
I won't lie and say it was always easy, it definitely wasn't, but with my friends and their support, it was very, very doable.
If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said "helllll no". But, as you know, the military's timing stinks and so we are going to TTC #2 before he leaves and hopefully time it so that he will be back for the birth. My situation is a little different. For starters, I'm an old fart. He'll return from his upcoming deployment 5 months before my 40th birthday. I will not TTC after I turn 40 (and nope, I won't change my mind on that one!). I had a rough 1st pregnancy and DD came 4 weeks early so I am definitely nervous, but I figure if it happens I will count my blessings and deal with it. Of course, I came to that conclusion after much resistance to the idea and several pros and cons lists. I realized that most of the things in the con column were "what ifs" that would probably never even happen.
If father time and mother nature were on my side, I'm not sure I would, though.
Another deployment right after baby #2 arrives would be tough. A PCS would be no problem. I wouldn't worry about that.
I would MUCH rather have my DH miss the pregnancy and be able to be part of the baby's early life.
His contribution to the family is needed SO MUCH MORE then.
I'm living this scenario right now. My DH left for deployment in Feb. when I was about 12 weeks pregnant. We have a 19 month old and have been working as well. It's been pretty difficult with him gone (mom passed away a few weeks after he left; running around with a toddler pregnant isn't very easy!). BUT we have been able to use Skype and able to talk on the phone occasionally. I would prefer him gone during the pregnancy than the birth. NOW we are gearing up for a return but is looking like he will make it home a couple days before my due date. I was 2 weeks early with my son and have no idea what's in store for me with this little guy! I am frustrated that there is a possibility of him not being there for the birth but have to keep reminding myself that it is out of his control. We have no family near by but are on alert if I go into labor and he isn't there. I know it will all work out and look forward to the time we will have once he is home. Good luck!
I went through my pregnancy with DS1 alone, but B was just stationed overseas.
Are you talking a fleet deployment or a "people are shooting at him" deployment? If it is the latter you may want to consider worst case scenerio. What if he doesn't come home? Would you want to raise a child without him - who would never know their Daddy?
I'm not trying to be evil or mean, but it is something to consider before you bring a child into the world.
EITHER WAY... its totally up to the two of you. If you can handle it. Go for it! We planned to have our kids while B was on Shore Duty. It killed him to miss the pregnancy and he almost missed the birth, then BD was 4 months old when he saw him again. It wasn't easy. We had our next two while he was HOME for three years.
He left for his next Iraq deployment when our daughter was 7 months old. Like the PP said I think it was harder having him miss her toddling days than if he'd missed me being pregger.
There are pros and cons to everything - its really about what fits for you two.
Good Luck TTC#2. I hope it goes well for you no matter when you decide.
We planned for DH to miss a majority of my pregnancy and be home for the birth. It wasn't ideal, however, it worked out just fine. It did suck going to appointments alone, but in the bigger picture, DH was there when I needed him the most.
He left right at 12 weeks and came home around 36 weeks. It was a WHIRLWIND once he got home. Nothing was done, I had just loaded boxes in one of our guest rooms so EVERYTHING had to be done rather quickly. I delivered DS at 38.5 weeks.
Good luck on your decision.
I'm pregnant with our first and DH has been gone for all but the first 8 weeks and won't be here for the birth, yada, yada, yada. For us, we decided that we didn't want to wait until he came back to get started on having kids, so although going through my first pregnancy without him here sucks, it'll be worth it. I've had some mini-breakdowns here and there, but it hasn't been unbearable. If anything, it's given me something else to keep me busy while he's away.
Honestly, you know yourself best and what you're comfortable doing on your own. Do you have a decent support system where you are? Family and friends?
For us we planned to start trying on R & R, I charted the first 8 months he was gone and it worked, we got pregnant. He missed the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy, for us honestly he could have missed more than that.
My pregnancy I was so miserable, I had morning sickness till 29 weeks. Literally I got sick right before the redeployment ceremony. Fun times. Don't get me wrong I loved having him home during the rest of the pregnancy and honestly we found out some shocking news regarding the baby after he got home so all worked out for and I needed him then.
Next time around I won't mind him missing the pregnancy but after going through child birth and how amazing it is, I know we both don't want him missing that. So we may try again on R &R.
DF and I decided to TTC before he left for Afghanistan. We started trying 3 months before he left, and found out we were indeed pregnant just 2 weeks before he deployed. I knew it was going to be hard going through my first pregnancy alone, and I know how much he wants to be here for all of this. He would be such an amazing daddy in waiting, which he still is, just without the back rubs, and kisses.
We wanted to have children, but with him leaving, I knew I wanted to have his child no matter what happened to him. If he doesn't come home to us, I will be shattered, but I will have this pefrect reminder of our love to be with everyday of my life.
Best case scenario though, is that he comes home, and we have our beautiful baby and our beautiful family together for 2 years (yay new dwell time standards!) And those 2 years are worth WAY more than the 9 months in me belly..
Plus theres always # 2 we can do that with!!
That is a hard one. We are currently living out our WWYD.. We decided to try for number 2 because we didn't know how long it would take for me to get pregnant and if/when he would be deployed. I'm 36 weeks and he just left yesterday for 3 weeks. So we are cutting it down to the wire here. I'm so nervous but trying to stay relaxed and calm. And that isn't too easy to do sometimes with a 2 year old
There is so much to consider and there is no right or wrong answer. I'd say go with your instinct!