child care solution/stress (LONG)

natalee215

I can't believe that I haven't posted about this yet, but I had a busy weekend with DH's b-day dinner on Sat night and the shower on Sunday, I haven't really had time to process it.  After reading this back, I guess it's more of a vent than anything...

I've been really dragging my feet on finalizing our child care.  I know that I'm taking 12 weeks off once the baby is born and I'm planning to go back to work 4 days a week in the office and work from home the 5th day.  I also know that my mom really wants to watch the baby for us.  At least for the first year, we are not interested in a standardized day care.  So the original plan was to use my mom 2 days a week and use this woman who provides childcare in her house for the other 2 days.  When my friend (who uses her for her daughter) asked her if she could take him or her on starting in October, she said she wasn't taking on any more kids at the time, but gave us 2 other people that we might look into.  I think my mom wanted to watch the baby every day (we just thought it was a lot to ask) and we think that DH will probably be laid off by the end of September, we didn't really make any more plans or decisions.  Worst case scenario was that we would use my mom 4 days a weeks until we found another solution.

Sat night while at dinner, Bri tells me that his mom wants to watch the baby the other 2 days a week.  (She has been unemployed since Nov 08 and never looked for a job and has been collecting unemployment all this time.  I think she is just waiting at this point for social security to start since she's 61.)   This seems like an ideal plan, but I think it's going to cause more problems than good for many reasons.  1) I'm going to hate feeling like we owe her something all the time. 2) I'm going to hate having her care for our baby "her" way, which I know is what will happen. 3) My mom thinks she's crazy and will get mad/upset with me that she's moving in on her territory (I never told my mom that we wanted a second childcare provider so it wasn't too much on one person.)  4) She's notoriously late/unreliable.  I could probably keep going on and on naming things, but I'll stop here.

I think I have no choice but to try this situation out.  I can't try to protest it because I'm letting my mom watch the baby and not Bri's mom.  Even I can see how "unfair" that sounds.  I realize how much money having family watching the baby is saving us (about $12K a year) but I already see that we will be paying deeply in other ways.

ash.flea

I would do anything possible to avoid having family (especially family that you're uncomfortable with already) watch the baby.  Would Bri's mom really be upset if he told her that your mom already volunteered, but if she needed help/didn't work out you guys would take her up on her offer?

natalee215

ash.flea:

Would Bri's mom really be upset if he told her that your mom already volunteered, but if she needed help/didn't work out you guys would take her up on her offer?

I think it would cause too many problems between me & Bri, not to mention that she would be completely hurt and insulted.  What did I get myself into?!

ash.flea

natalee215:

ash.flea:

Would Bri's mom really be upset if he told her that your mom already volunteered, but if she needed help/didn't work out you guys would take her up on her offer?

I think it would cause too many problems between me & Bri, not to mention that she would be completely hurt and insulted.  What did I get myself into?!

Ahh, I didn't realize he wanted her help, too.  That is sticky.  Hopefully everything will work out and she won't be as bad as you're anticipating.  I can't think of a way to avoid having her help unless you also don't let your mom watch LO and hire someone else full time.

lindeenwedding

If you are not comfortable with it then put your foot down, but if you think it might work out, I'd give it a try. I know if my family were nearby I would love to save the $14,000 that we spend on daycare a year

sarlah

I don't really have great advice, personally... knowing how you feel about Brian's mom, I wouldn't be comfortable letting her watch the baby. Maybe you should have a sit down, heart to heart with Brian and his mom & tell her that she can watch the baby, but she has to follow your rules. I don't think that's unreasonable in the slightest. If/when she starts ignoring your wishes, then stop letting her watch the baby. That's the best thing I can come up with.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

Mrs.S_0909

sarlah:

I don't really have great advice, personally... knowing how you feel about Brian's mom, I wouldn't be comfortable letting her watch the baby. Maybe you should have a sit down, heart to heart with Brian and his mom & tell her that she can watch the baby, but she has to follow your rules. I don't think that's unreasonable in the slightest. If/when she starts ignoring your wishes, then stop letting her watch the baby. That's the best thing I can come up with.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

I agree with this. GL!

katers1279

Mrs.S_0909:

sarlah:

I don't really have great advice, personally... knowing how you feel about Brian's mom, I wouldn't be comfortable letting her watch the baby. Maybe you should have a sit down, heart to heart with Brian and his mom & tell her that she can watch the baby, but she has to follow your rules. I don't think that's unreasonable in the slightest. If/when she starts ignoring your wishes, then stop letting her watch the baby. That's the best thing I can come up with.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

I think this might be the best solution as well.  What a crappy situaton.

I agree with this. GL!

MrsBlayne

First of all, let me say that I understand how stressful figuring out childcare arrangements can be! And it is very stressful when you are at work and worried about your LO. I agree with Sarah - be very cleat ahead of time. One of our childcare plans that fell through was my MIL watching her, and I told her that if she was watching B all the time, she didn't get to do all the grandma spoiling stuff all the time.

MmeBP

sarlah:

I don't really have great advice, personally... knowing how you feel about Brian's mom, I wouldn't be comfortable letting her watch the baby. Maybe you should have a sit down, heart to heart with Brian and his mom & tell her that she can watch the baby, but she has to follow your rules. I don't think that's unreasonable in the slightest. If/when she starts ignoring your wishes, then stop letting her watch the baby. That's the best thing I can come up with.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

I would have to agree.

sillybiochemist

Maybe the way to do it is to draw up a list of basic "rules" and see how both your mom and MIL react to them (with DH).  (my thought is use some of the comments that have been provided on the boards such as introducing solids at only a time you and DH specify, only using soap that you specify, trying to maintain your at home routine with timing of food, etc.)  Obviously both of them have raised little ones but are they going to give you space to raise your little one the way you want to?  I know my mom would give me crap over doing it my way versus her way so in a sense it's a blessing she's 300 miles away.

And you're going to have to explain it to both your MIL and mom that the reason you want to split the child care is so you don't over burden each person &/or their schedule.  Honestly you're trying to do the right thing but your right in the fact they may see it as you're taking an opportunity away from them to spend with their new grandbaby.  Watching a little one is very time consuming and as a result there's a reason day car exists.  GL!

niuchick21

I totally understand your frustration.  MIL has mentioned many times that she's not a "baby person" which works out well because that gives me all the ammo I need to not let her watch the baby when we have one.  My mother, however, will watch the baby everyday.  I think what's most important is your feelings and the care for the baby.  IMO, it would be worth the fight to tell Bri that your Mom has already agreed to watch the baby all 4 days and that you'd rather not switch it up now.  Tell MIL thanks for the offer, but it's already under control.