Unsupportive Father

meganroselee

My dad is very anti adoption and critical in general.   When I was a kid and said I wanted to adopt his reponse was always along the lines of "Why would you want to take on someone else's problems?" or "Remember you can't get racehorses from donkeys-- you'll change your mind."  This from someone who adopted my half brother's brother.  Growing up he would call me a bleeding heart and is even critical of my profession bc it centers around helping people, not making big bucks. I had no intention on telling him about the adoption process, just as I told him nothing about our infertility. 

My mother and my husband parents are very supportive-- my mom has even been to all the adoption orientations with us (my parents got divorced 4 years ago).  My husband and I talked about this last night and obviously its its too weird to get custody of our child and then say "oh yeah, by the way this is our daughter/son".  But despite my dad's outlook on life (I call him my sour pickles) his opinion of me matters  and I love him. *BUT* I don't want to deal with negativity so early in the game. (we just started the process one month ago) So... my question is this:  For those of you with blatently unsupportive parents-- when in the process did you tell them? 

lrrb

fredalina:

Wow, that IS unsupportive! I know you didn't really ask for this advice specifically, but in your shoes I would sit him down and tell him soon and be very matter-of-fact about it. "Dad, I already know how you feel about adoption. We have decided however that adoption is how we will build our family. One thing we must do as parents is to protect our children, so I need you to decide now if you are going to be supportive of of us, the adoption process, and your expected grandbaby. Because I will not allow negative comments about adoption, birthparents, adopted children, people who adopt, etc, to be spoken in front of my child, even as an infant, and I will not tolerate him or her being treated differently. I love you and you're very important to me and I want you to be in our lives, but the choice is yours. "

 THIS THIS THIS! 

 

MayDayGirl

lrrb:

fredalina:

Wow, that IS unsupportive! I know you didn't really ask for this advice specifically, but in your shoes I would sit him down and tell him soon and be very matter-of-fact about it. "Dad, I already know how you feel about adoption. We have decided however that adoption is how we will build our family. One thing we must do as parents is to protect our children, so I need you to decide now if you are going to be supportive of of us, the adoption process, and your expected grandbaby. Because I will not allow negative comments about adoption, birthparents, adopted children, people who adopt, etc, to be spoken in front of my child, even as an infant, and I will not tolerate him or her being treated differently. I love you and you're very important to me and I want you to be in our lives, but the choice is yours. "

 THIS THIS THIS! 

 

Ditto!

baber926

fredalina:

Wow, that IS unsupportive! I know you didn't really ask for this advice specifically, but in your shoes I would sit him down and tell him soon and be very matter-of-fact about it. "Dad, I already know how you feel about adoption. We have decided however that adoption is how we will build our family. One thing we must do as parents is to protect our children, so I need you to decide now if you are going to be supportive of of us, the adoption process, and your expected grandbaby. Because I will not allow negative comments about adoption, birthparents, adopted children, people who adopt, etc, to be spoken in front of my child, even as an infant, and I will not tolerate him or her being treated differently. I love you and you're very important to me and I want you to be in our lives, but the choice is yours. "

 110%....perfectly stated

LaVitaBella

I informed my unsupportive grandparents that we were adopting.  They asked me if I was pregnant for the 400th time and I said, "Well, no but we are expecting a baby because we're adopting."  They were not happy and told me that I'm too young to do that and it's for old people and why don't I wait a few more years.  Then they said that it's "not nice."

I let them get out what they had to say and I said, "Well that's what we're doing.  You can be part of my life and accept it or you can say goodbye now."  They were floored and of course they accepted.  When you really put it to people, "You have me or you don't," if they love you, they'll choose the option that means you're in their life. 

sh4602

i agree with what everyone has already stated... if they want to be a part of their grandchild's life they will learn to accept it.... good luck... once they see how happy you are and how cute the baby is they will come around.

lilmufish

Some of my family is VERY unsupportive with our choice to foster to adopt. So I can sympathize with your conflicted feelings. What Fred typed was perfect. Although I'm not sure if he'll be willing to sit through all of that with out giving a snarky response.

Like I said, I have some members of my extended family who are less than supportive. Just in the past few weeks I've had one situation that occurred that took me almost a week to calm down from.  But what I learned through the entire thing was that I needed to take care of ME and MY FAMILY first, and everyone else's feelings/opinions/etc is second.  Honestly, what has helped me through alot of it - is leaning on people and surrounding myself with people who are pro-adoption, and pro-lilmufish life choices.  Easier said than done, but I'm much happier with not being around loved ones who are not supportive.  As much as I miss their interactions - I am blessed with the over abundance of other positives.

BTW, I *LOVE* that your mom has gone with you to a few orientations and such. That is SO AWESOME and so supportive. 

Temp206787500007404

I'm so sorry!  Everyone else has given great advice.

One thing I wanted to add that no one else has touched on, is that it may come up in your homestudy and you just might want to think about how you're going to answer the questions the social worker has about how supportive your friends/family are and anyone who is specifically unsupportive.  Remember they aren't looking for a reason to disqualify you, but they might be able to offer some resources for you to give to your dad or resources for you on how to handle ongoing issues with him if he remains unsupportive. 

meganroselee

When I first read Fred's advice, my first thought was "I could never do that"(give my dad an ultimatum or actually cut my dad out of my life)  But I've been thinking about this for a few days and it really is good advice. 

When my husband and I first started talking about marriage, his father told him that I was good to date but not to marry because of my race.  I was so angry with my husband because I was thinking that we were starting a new family together and he didn't even have the balls to defend it.  (eventually my husband took this stand and things worked out fine)  I guess I need to get the balls to do this as well. Because my family will be my husband and our child.  And as much as I love my dad, I would never want our baby to be exposed to any type of negativity.   Thanks for the great advice everyone! I'm going to let him know. 

meganroselee

lilmu-- Yeah, this is why I love my mom so much.  She's always been the one I could go to and say "I want to do this." No questions, no hesitations-- her first reaction is always to o ask how she can help me make it a reality.  I really hope to be a parent just like her in this way.