Need Advice to deal with MIL and DW (long)

thefamilyway904

I have an interesting relationship with my mother-in-law (MIL). We do love one another, but I don't know that we like one another very much. She's notorious in her family for never being able to be wrong. DW and her brother and father all play into this. They just ignore her inaccuracies or bad behavior. Normally, I don't really care but when she says hurtful things to me and DW just ignores it, it causes problems for us. Here's an example:

We invited our moms to come into town to join us for the big ultrasound next month. It's the first grandchild on both sides and we want them to feel as involved as possible. We called them both on speaker phone and they were each thrilled to be invited. As we spoke to my MIL, I mentioned that if they were interested, we could start the baby registry while they are in town. Now my mom, felt honored when I mentioned that to her and thought it would be a fun thing to be involved in.  DW's mom says, "Oh god K, that's all your concerned about is the registry. Don't forget, we all just bought you gifts off a registry last year when you were married."

Ignoring the fact that we were married two years ago, her comment hurt my feelings. When I asked DW why she didn't say anything, she said that it wasn't worth responding to. She said her mom's probably jealous of me (what?) and to just ignore her comments. When I pushed DW, she got mad at me and said that it's my place to respond if I don't like something her mom says. And now, we're in a tense place.

So nesties, any words of wisdom here? I really do feel like it's DW's place to say something to her mom and not mine. I don't feel like MIl and I have the type of relationship that would benefit from me sharing my honest feelings with her, but I can't just ignore her comments. That doesn't work for me. And if you feel like I am overreacting, please do feel free to say so. TIA!

babyhyem

First of all, I'm sorry you are going through this. It's never easy when so many people are emotionally involved.

Second, this is similar to my situation, but it is my dad that says the dumbest things! He says things to be helpful and he means well, but sometimes I can't believe what comes out of his mouth. So, after 37 years of this, and realizing he is not the all-knowing person I thoguht he was when I was growing up, I've realized that there are timers when it really is best to just stay quiet and let him say stupid things. If I speak up, it turns into an argument, and frankly, I'd rather save my energy. DW and I have had a few conversations about this over the years, and although sometimes I get defensive and tell her if she doesn;t like something, that she needs to stick up for herself and "fight" back. But, she isn't that kind of person when it comes to people she feels she should respect. (Me on the other hand, I say what is on my mind most of the time and wish I would learn from DW about how to turn my filter on).

My advice at this point is to talk to your wife and let her know that some things, that are out of yours and her control, have been hurtful. Talk to her about why they were hurtful. Mend the relationship you have with her so it doesn't become a bigger issue. As far as your MIL... some people never change, no matter how much you try to show them that what they do or say is harmful. You can only control yourself and your own reactions. I'm not saying this isn't frustrating, but if you can find a way to let this roll off your back, I think you will be in a better place.

If my dad ever REALLY said something that was so crazy.. I would not be able to let it go, and there woudl definitely be words. But sometimes, since I am used to ignoring it, I don't even realize how hurtful DW is until she tells me later.

Hope that was at least a little helpful.

thefamilyway904

babyhyem:

some people never change, no matter how much you try to show them that what they do or say is harmful. You can only control yourself and your own reactions. I'm not saying this isn't frustrating, but if you can find a way to let this roll off your back, I think you will be in a better place.

Thank you SO much. The above paragraph is the best advice I ever could have been given. I've been thinking about what you wrote since last night and realized that you are so right! I'm the one getting all bothered by words that really don't need to have any impact on me. I'm making the choice to get frustrated, hurt, etc, when I don't need to.  Thanks for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

babyhyem

No porblem, glad I could help a little. If you need to talk more, just PM me. I'm here.

seahorse mama

My grandma was exactly like that.  See if you can bond with your wife about yer kooky MIL (and her ma)  but know there's not a lot she can do either.  It might be best to avoid inviting her to further activities unless she's asking about them--even though you are really open and inviting.  Also remember that we preggies are more sensitive when preggie.  This AM I cried listening to a news report about a baseball player retiring!  Jeez.  Best of luck.

 

BostonGayGal

I would take a different approach.  You are responsible for maintaining your relationship with MIL.  Not your wife.  Unless you talk to W and she specifically says, please don't talk about this to MIL, I think the mature thing to do is to take your W out of the middle of it.Then think about how you want to approach it.  Things tend to look simpler when we aren't working through another person. Since you don't feel you "have the type of relationship that would benefit form me sharing my honest feelings with her" it becomes your choice as to how to proceed carefully, knowing that she will be in your life for many years to come.  I would be direct.  I would say, "It bothers me that you would misconstrue my desire to involve you in our lives as gift grubbing.  It also hurts that you didn't even remember what year we were married in.  I would love to have you come with us, but please don't feel obligated."