Friend yelled at another friends son - is this ok?

Dcubed

It was just 3 couples (including home owners) and we were outside sitting talking and the kids were in and out playing.  At this point the kids were inside and my DS comes to the door and says that our friends DS (who just turned 3) was throwing the train tracks.  The couple whose house we were at has a 2 yo and the train table is in the living room.  The mom whose house we were at got up and the 3yo mom got up but the mom's whose house it was got there first and yelled loudly "NO!"  I don't know if she said anything else but I don't think so because she came back outside red faced.  This mom had told us earlier that her 2yo messes the train tracks up at least once a day so it's not like it's unusual for her but maybe he doesn't throw them.  The other mom is a little upset (though she didn't say anything at the time) and I agree - it's not like she wasn't there to step in and handle her kid she was coming right behind her.  Would you have cared/said something or say something now after the fact?  Oh and her older DD and my DS put the train table back together again (as best they could).

xbrooklyngrl

If I felt like the other mom wasn't saying anything then I'd probably say something to the child myself. I don't think I'd yell at them but I'd tell them not to do it.

Maybe the 3yo's mom didn't say anything when something happened prior or took too long to respond this time...

 

jessicaclare

It is understood amongst my friends that we are all ok with someone else telling our kids no, to a point. If I'm not there, or another parent witnesses something, I absolutely want them to scold my child. In the situation you described, where I would have had the chance (and was about to go in) to talk to my kid, I would not be ok with that. I don't mind other parents disciplining, but I want the chance first if we're both there.

I would have just said "You know I don't mind if you talk to DC about misbehavior if I'm not here, but when we're both present, I'd appreciate it if you let me handle my own child".

littlemermaid

In this situation I would not have been mad because the child was misbehaving(throwing tracks).  She yelled "NO", it's not like she took it upon herself to spank the child, that would have been a whole different scenario

rebs

Well this depends on alot of things.  Maybe the mom saw he was about to throw the train track at another kid and yelled no to stop someone from getting hurt. 

If that is all she did and then let the other mom deal with it then I don't think it is a big deal.  However if she is constantly yelling at other peoples kids then I would not be ok with it.

Purrrfect433

When Ben was almost three, he was with me at a friend's house. He got upset and hit her and she yelled, "Don't you EVER hit me again. You might hit your mom but it is NOT OK with me". This was after I already reprimanded him. Needless to say, it pretty much ended our friendship. She apologized in a really snotty email to which I replied and ended things between us. For her to yell at my child like that, when I was already there handling it? Hell NO. It's really not hard to use a firm, but kind voice to ask a child to stop. If you do it in front of the other parent, it usually makes them step up their discipline.

LisaK2b

My friends and I are old school and feel that it takes a village to raise a child.  I treat their kids like my own (so I reward them and also discipline them) like I would my DD.  But we trust each others parenting style (we actually have similar styles), which is the key point. 

Andrewsgal

LisaK2b:

My friends and I are old school and feel that it takes a village to raise a child.  I treat their kids like my own (so I reward them and also discipline them) like I would my DD.  But we trust each others parenting style (we actually have similar styles), which is the key point. 

This is how I feel if a child is misbehaving I expect my friends to step in, sometimes a repremand from another adult is just what children need. My children will be corrected for the rest of their lives by other adults, and need to learn early that I support that.

Dcubed

I agree with you all about redirecting another childs behavior but I guess it was the force at which the no came out was so mean - and I didn't see to know if he was about to throw it at a kid.  I guess if I had walked in I would have said "Oh "child" we don't throw the train tracks." and if mom hadn't stepped in I would have told him he needed to pick them up etc. 

I feel I am much calmer with other peoples kids then my own because had I walked in on one of mine doing that I might have yelled myself (not the best trait I have) though I wouldn't have just yelled NO I would have probably said my childs name with a "what are you doing" and the crazy look on my face saying I know you aren't acting a plum fool in here )

JOEBunny

Purrrfect433:

When Ben was almost three, he was with me at a friend's house. He got upset and hit her and she yelled, "Don't you EVER hit me again. You might hit your mom but it is NOT OK with me". This was after I already reprimanded him. Needless to say, it pretty much ended our friendship. She apologized in a really snotty email to which I replied and ended things between us. For her to yell at my child like that, when I was already there handling it? Hell NO. It's really not hard to use a firm, but kind voice to ask a child to stop. If you do it in front of the other parent, it usually makes them step up their discipline.

We would not be friends in real life.  I will not be firm, but kind and tell you little child who just hit me, "No, please don't hit me." with a big smile on my face.  Sure, for some things, like coloring on the table, but not for hitting, kicking, or any other physical violence.  I have 0 tolerance and have no problem using a firm angry voice when warranted.  

I don't see the problem in yelling "No" when someone is throwing train tracks.  Not saying anything is like watching a train wreck you could have prevented.  What if she hadn't said "No" and in the 30 seconds it took to consult the parent, the child had thrown the track and hit another child's eye?  Would you feel differently then?  I have been in this situation a number of times and at least once, while I waited for the watching parent to get her words together, my DD got hit in the face with a shovel.  

DandR

JOEBunny:

Purrrfect433:

When Ben was almost three, he was with me at a friend's house. He got upset and hit her and she yelled, "Don't you EVER hit me again. You might hit your mom but it is NOT OK with me". This was after I already reprimanded him. Needless to say, it pretty much ended our friendship. She apologized in a really snotty email to which I replied and ended things between us. For her to yell at my child like that, when I was already there handling it? Hell NO. It's really not hard to use a firm, but kind voice to ask a child to stop. If you do it in front of the other parent, it usually makes them step up their discipline.

We would not be friends in real life.  I will not be firm, but kind and tell you little child who just hit me, "No, please don't hit me." with a big smile on my face.  Sure, for some things, like coloring on the table, but not for hitting, kicking, or any other physical violence.  I have 0 tolerance and have no problem using a firm angry voice when warranted.  

I don't see the problem in yelling "No" when someone is throwing train tracks.  Not saying anything is like watching a train wreck you could have prevented.  What if she hadn't said "No" and in the 30 seconds it took to consult the parent, the child had thrown the track and hit another child's eye?  Would you feel differently then?  I have been in this situation a number of times and at least once, while I waited for the watching parent to get her words together, my DD got hit in the face with a shovel.  

I think the issue with Purffs is the WAY the mom said it....as if Purff lets her kids hit adults without consequences.  That would drive me nuts too.

I have no problem with people disciplining my kid when I'm not immediately available.  BUT if I"m handling the situation and someone butts in....that drives me nuts.  It even drives me nuts if DH butts in. 

 

Jen2124

Yelling "NO!" does not seem like "yelling at a child" to me...it seems more like a natural reaction to when you see a child doing something they shouldn't be doing (ie throwing trian tracks). No, I would not be upset and if this is literally all she said, I don't even see what the big deal is.

grja

JOEBunny:

Purrrfect433:

When Ben was almost three, he was with me at a friend's house. He got upset and hit her and she yelled, "Don't you EVER hit me again. You might hit your mom but it is NOT OK with me". This was after I already reprimanded him. Needless to say, it pretty much ended our friendship. She apologized in a really snotty email to which I replied and ended things between us. For her to yell at my child like that, when I was already there handling it? Hell NO. It's really not hard to use a firm, but kind voice to ask a child to stop. If you do it in front of the other parent, it usually makes them step up their discipline.

We would not be friends in real life.  I will not be firm, but kind and tell you little child who just hit me, "No, please don't hit me." with a big smile on my face.  Sure, for some things, like coloring on the table, but not for hitting, kicking, or any other physical violence.  I have 0 tolerance and have no problem using a firm angry voice when warranted.  

I don't see the problem in yelling "No" when someone is throwing train tracks.  Not saying anything is like watching a train wreck you could have prevented.  What if she hadn't said "No" and in the 30 seconds it took to consult the parent, the child had thrown the track and hit another child's eye?  Would you feel differently then?  I have been in this situation a number of times and at least once, while I waited for the watching parent to get her words together, my DD got hit in the face with a shovel.  

I agree. The fact that she said "it may be ok to hit your mom but not me" would have been it for me. It sounds so condescending. Its not like she just said no hitting. She said it with some snark which is just rude and there's no excuse for that.

shouldbworkin

I don't think it's ever acceptable to yell at someone else's child, but I certainly wouldn't have a problem saying "we don't throw trains/train tracks in this house" if someone else's child did that in my house.  Not so much b/c it would bother me that the train track was being taken apart, but I'd be afraid someone would get hurt and I like to think we all look out for each other's kids when we're together.  Maybe she was just having a bad day or she's just a yeller? 

DH did yell at some kids at someone's house about a month ago.  They were older than my DS and teasing him with a fake spider - scaring the bejeezus out of him and making him scream.  They'd been asked to stop once and kept doing it so DH lost it.  I wish he hadn't yelled, but he's a yeller.  At the same time, I kind of don't blame him for not being able to keep his composure witih kids that should know better who were just being mean.  The dad did say something to DH, but really, I think he should have been embarassed by his kids behaving that way. 

MTbridess

LisaK2b:

My friends and I are old school and feel that it takes a village to raise a child.  I treat their kids like my own (so I reward them and also discipline them) like I would my DD.  But we trust each others parenting style (we actually have similar styles), which is the key point. 

Ditto...I don't think any of my friends would yell "No" without a follow-up discussion with the offending child about what is and isn't appropriate. 

hopefulmom

Since you weren't in the house and didn't actually see what the 3 year old was planning to do I guess it would depend.  If it were my home and I walked in before the mom of the 3 year old and saw the 3 year old ready to hit my 2 year old with a train track or ready to throw it toward my plasma TV you better believe I would yell NO!  and it would be forceful.  It would just be to stop the action at the moment.  If I knew the kid's mom was right behind me I would expect her to hand out the discipline.  Yelling NO! to avoid a disaster to me is not "yelling at a kid"...it is stopping an action.  I would only get up set if she continued to yell at my DS for what he did when I was right there.