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2nd Trimester
MIL Vent
My MIL has been good about finding stuff for the baby (i.e. Clothes, bassinet, furniture...) I haven't asked for any of it, and some I could do without. She made it clear that if I don't want it then she can sell it on craigslist to make her money back and buy something else. I am greatful for what she is doing.
Thing is she is pushy, we talked 2 months ago about the bedding. I had talked about doing Classic Pooh, but decided I would rather wait until we found out the sex of the baby. So she said okay, we'll wait.
THEN today she comes over, and we were talking. I was telling her I can't wait until Tuesday (BIG U/S) because I'm going out to buy the bedding. She looks at me and goes... "You're buying bedding?" yes, "well I thought you were going to do Pooh", no...remember we were waiting til we found out the sex, (MIL looks confused now) "Yeah, but I bought some things..." Well, I kinda wanted to wait and see what we were having before I decided, "Oh Ok" (MIL looking hurt and confused).
Now, I don't want to seem ungreatful, but I did make it clear that I wanted to wait. She kept buying stuff. Oh BTW she also has toteS full of clothes that shes bought, we dont even know the sex of the baby. She pulled out a "Thank Heaven for Little Boys" towel. I think she's being too hasty, since we have no clue what sex the LO will be!
She also wants me to pull the carpet from the future nursery. I really didnt want to. We had her contractor come over today to talk about some sheetrock work in the nursery, and MAGICALLY he starts talkin about ripping the carpet up. She offered to pay for the flooring and the work on the sheetrock. So I guess I will do it. I will definatly not let her pick out the bedding or flooring. This is MY BABY lady!
Please tell me if I'm over reacting. When I talk to her now its like fingernails on a chalkboard. Am I crazy?
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Re: MIL Vent
No, you're not crazy. That would bother me, too, if someone was making decisions about my baby that I hadn't decided, or was assuming things about what I wanted for my baby.
Sorry I don't have any advice for you though. I'm not good with confrontation with family members or close friends so I'm not even sure what I would do in this situation.
Agreed!! Don't just do it because she is paying. You said you didn't want to pull the carpet up. You need to set boundaries now.
She bought the furniture that I liked so hopefully she wont pull that crap. My parents have offered to paint the bedroom whenever we get ready to so. They won't let her pick out that (loving my parents EVEN more now!)
*PULLS OUT HAIR"*
What does your DH have to say about all of this?
shrugs and says whatever you want. (chickens out)
It sounds like you have more of a DH problem, not a MIL problem.
Why are we always so quick to think it's hubby's issue to deal with overbearing mothers. Overbearing mothers are overbearing because no one has been able to stop them lol. While she's just trying to be nice and helpful she is clearly stepping on everyone's toes and doesn't realize it. It obviously would be helpful if he told her to back off but lets face it not many men can be confrontational with their parents. Lots of people in general have this issue.
I think you should ask her to stop though. Starting with not letting her pay for everything.
With a big smile on your face explain you know how thrilled she is and it makes you SO happy she's wanting to help so much (my dh's family really didn't give a rats ass about our wedding and were no help when I bent over backwords to include them, and now they are happy we're having a baby but again are NO help and show very little interest at all) but that you need her to slow down a bit and wait on a few things.
Using the bedding as an example helps. Something like, I know we talked about it once but I changed my mind and there's a few things I'd rather DH and I do, or my mom and I...etc etc etc. Maybe we could wait until I have made a firm decision on things before we get them because you buying things after I have changed my mind and not spoken to you makes me feel bad.
I don't know, if there was a magic MIL fix all approach we'd all be sitting pretty lol.
shakes
Thats exactly how I feel. I never asked her to buy things (clothes, bassinett,...) she just calls and goes I bought you such and such, come over and tell me if you like it.
As far as the house goes, the all out EXPLOSION that me, DH, and MIL had a few weeks ago about the d*mn floor in there has left me not caring if we keep the carpet or not. Its like beating a dead horse. She was sending me articles in my email about babies and allergies that are held in carpet. My argument was "we're going to steam clean the carpet and that will be good enough, we dont have enough money to replace the flooring" then she went behind my back and told DH that we should rip up the carpet (went behind my back) ...resulting in a NUCLEAR meltdown on my part.
Then she says "i didnt mean to cause a fight, i really am just looking out for the baby" "dont worry, I'll pay for it" So, if SHE wants to pay for the floor so be it. I've had enough on that subject, really tired of arguing about it with her.
The reason that her DH needs to deal with his mother and not her is because MIL is much more likely to not get mad at her own son. OP shouldn't be vilified by her MIL just because her husband can't stand up to his mother.
And yeah, lots of people, including men, have problems standing up to their parents. But being a grown-up in a marriage means putting your spouse ahead of your other relatives.
I think you do a disservice to men, assuming that they can't "handle" having a rational discussion with their own mothers. I hope one day that my DS is mature enough that he can discuss issues directly with me, instead of handing off the dirty work to his wife.
You seriously just need to say NO. No arguing back and forth. Say "No, end of story." and walk away. You don't need to validate why you want to do/not do something. She's arguing with you until she gets her way, and it's working. You need to nip this in the bud NOW or it will only get worse when the kids are around. Seriously.
And about the buying stuff, why can't you tell her ahead of time ~ "All right, no more gifts, thanks but we've got enough to store for now." Exactly what I did with mine because I was getting age inappropriate stuff already (read, stuff for a young school age child).
I agree that you also need to talk with your DH, and he needs to say NO to her also. Now.
Yeah man, I hear ya! Sometimes it's better to just run with it. I have an overbearing mother and I am an only child so it's not like I can distract her with siblings lol. Do what you can as far as dealing with her and if she wants to pay for a new floor, awesome, let her! I so support you on this! I would however tell her I'd be picking out the flooring as I am the one cleaning it and looking at it lol. As for people telling you to put your foot down or it's just going to get worse, it's just gonna get worse anyway and in time you will both (you and DH) reach a breaking point.
My own mom is in for a huge awakening when she comes to the realization that I will have the final say in decisions for my children, it's going to be hard for her lol. The best example...we were shopping and saw a super cute little baby "banana hammock" that made me cry from laughing and my mom said "omg that will be so cute for when his nonno and I take him to florida next year".....um......crickets......lmao you're sooooooooooo not taking my baby to florida you crazy woman! BUT I just let it slide and laughed and said "kay mom", we will revisit that topic when he's 5-6-7 months and still breast feeding and hasn't been away from us yet! Should be fun, totally looking forward to it! HAHAH
Yeah....I got your back girl!
OK, but so not what I ment at all. For example, my MIL responds much better to me telling her something she wont like then DH telling her. I handle it better and he tends to get frusterated and not make the point in the end.
I am not saying men can't handle it, lots of people can't have rational discussions with their parents. It depends on the parent child relationship.
Personally I would be thrilled if DS was able to grow up and talk to me openly about these things too, but I also hope I am the kind of person that my future daughter in law could tell me if I was upsetting her. More importantly, that I handle it well and respect her wishes. I'd be annoyed if she constantly had him "deal" with me. Hoping I don't end up the kind of mother that needs to be "dealt" with, lmao!