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MIL Vent - INCREDIBLY long
There's a WHOLE lot of backstory, but for the sake of my sanity, I'm going to try to erase it all from memory, and rehashing it is not therapeutic. On the other hand, I'm here by myself with the LO's today, and I need to vent so I don't implode.
My DH is out of town (since 5 a.m. Thursday), and even he can only handle being around his mom in VERY small increments (less than 24 hours is still a lot - 2 hours is often pushing it.) I truly believe that my MIL had good intentions by offering for us (G-ma, G-dad, me, 5 yo DS, and 9 mo twins) to all go to the Cameron Park Zoo. I'm assuming her thought was that it would be fun for the kids, and I would have help for the trip and excursion - a win/win for all, right? Um, no. She forgets that I still have to get everyone ready for everything as well as all of the gear, foods, bottles, diapers, bibs, etc. We were taking my minivan, so that meant gas, washing, moving carseats around, and vacuuming as well. Still, I understand that it's meant as a helpful gesture even though it feels like more work to me.
She wanted me at their house with the kids by 8 this morning so we could "beat the heat." Fine. I'm good with that. I'm up early with babies anyway. At 7:25, I'm already out of our neighborhood on the road, and I call them to see if I should pick up breakfast and/or coffee. No, they don't want anything, and I should just get what I want. I get coffee for me, a breakfast sandwich, and a frozen non-caffeinated frap drink for my 5 yo as a treat for our "big day." Upon arrival, she tells me in no uncertain terms that I will be driving, her DH will ride in the front, and she will ride in the very back with our 5 yo. (I'm NOT trying to be ugly, but she's wide and has leg problems that cause difficulty even walking, so her climbing in the very back doesn't make sense.) She tells me to move all my stuff (not asks - if you had met her, you'd understand that she's very blunt and has NO tact) because it's in her way. Fine. I move it. I don't know where I'm going (they lived in Waco for 30 yrs), so she instructs us that I'll drive and her DH will give me directions. Fine. She picks up DS's drink and starts drinking it. She says, "Oh, this is really good. Your mom should have gotten one for me." Grrr. I offered, because I knew....Fine. I can deal. We aren't even 5 miles from their house, and DS asks her to help him plug something in to his VSmile. She said, "I don't know. It must be broken. You'll have to wait for your dad to fix it when he gets home." Uh....that'll be on Monday. No worries, I'm DRIVING, but pass it up to the front; I can fix it. She passes it up, I explain to FIL what needs to happen, and I pass it back. Why is she in the back again? Baby Girl is screaming, and I asked if she could get her bottle for her; "No, she doesn't want it, and she's being a fuss budget; until she straightens up, I'm not giving it back to her." WHAT? Argh. Then, she proceeds to tell me that the reason I'm driving is that because screaming babies stress out her DH while driving. He sits quietly in the front seat apparently annoyed. She's blaming him and the babies for me driving, but she refuses to help calm them down while I'm stuck in the driver's seat and can't do much since bg is right behind me. I talk to bg; my FIL asks MIL again to give bg her bottle. nothing. FIL reaches back to stroke bg's hair, and she told him that was unnecessary. BG is still crying and screaming. She says, "See, she's tired. She's going to sleep." My FIL (who never actually speaks up against my MIL in public) says, "That's easy for you to say." I continue talking to bg, and she finally starts to "sing" to herself. "Finally", I thought as we approached the outskirts of Waco. My MIL barks, "Be careful driving. DS is going to pee in a cup." WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! I didn't just hear that. Who does that? He's FIVE! I can stop the car. He's NOT peeing in a cup, and he's NOT peeing in my car. *I* don't pee in my car....Would SHE pee in a cup in the car? I was beyond mad. I pulled over and took DS in to a gas station (while she sat in the back, because she couldn't get OUT....) Regardless, peeing in the car crisis averted, we can still have a good time at the zoo, right? FIL is telling me where to exit, and she starts giving directions from the 3rd row. I am normally very tactful, and I'm not fond of passive aggression. My kids are all in the car, and I'm SO frustrated...I respond, "I thought you didn't want to drive." She retorts, "Well, SOMEONE needs to pay attention and keep you guys on track." My FIL, airily says, "That must be hard for you to do since you probably can't see much from back there." I accidentally passed the entrance to the zoo, so I go up one street, turn left, and intend to take a left on the one way and come back the other direction. She yells, "What are you doing?!" I calmly say, "I missed the turn. It snuck up on me and I didn't see it until it was too late." That seemed to be acceptable.
Finally, we're at the zoo. FIL hops out and starts to unload the stroller, and MIL starts YELLING (I haven't even gotten out of the car yet - I checked to see if I had my phone, the camera, and had *just* unlocked the doors. The car is still RUNNING.) "I can't believe him. He didn't open the door. I'm CRAMMED all the way back here, and he didn't even move all of this crap out of my way or give me a hand to get out. He didn't even get a baby!!!" (That crap was one small cooler that held 2 bottles of formula, 7 water bottles, and baby food for lunch.) I use the automatic doors so everyone is "freed", defend my FIL for actually helping, and get bg out. This is going to be a long day....
She says baby girl is too heavy, and she refuses to carry her. Um, I didn't ask you to; I already said I would carry her. BG hasn't had enough of a morning nap, and she's tired of being buckled in the carseat for 2 hours. MIL insists on trying to buckle her in to the stroller where bg starts bawling all over again. I carry bg just like I said I would. We're barely through the zoo gate when she demands to know if the sunscreen I'm putting on the babies is safe for them. What if they get it in their mouth? It certainly SMELLS awful. *sigh* We're 5 minutes into the zoo, when she picks up bg's burp rag and proceeds to wipe the sweat from her face and neck. GROSS! I ask that she keeps that one separate so we don't accidentally use it on the babies.
I won't bore you with the rest of the details....but I will say that when I dropped them off at their home. I thanked FIL for the zoo and lunch. He said, "You mean: thanks for the zoo, and the animals were nice, too?" I mustered a grin. I drove away, and tears streamed down my face. I hate that my DH is out of town this weekend, and I hate that I spent my Memorial Day Saturday with that awful woman and let her get to me.
To top it all off, when I got home, bg had a poo disaster that required a bathtub, sterilization of clothes...and I'm not prepared to go check her carseat cover just yet.....ugh.
/vent over/
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL Vent - INCREDIBLY long
I'm sorry, I couldn't help but giggle all the way through that. What an awful woman! God I can picture her, she sounds exactly like my ex's mother.
Sorry you had a crappy day. Have a nice, stiff drink
Okay, I've been there, where you feel like you need to stay quiet and try to be nice to keep the peace, but enough is enough. Wait until your husband is there, and when she says something rude in front of you, CALL HER ON IT. Seriously. She is going to walk all over you just like she walks all over her husband because you LET her.
When your husband gets home, it may be time for you two to sit down together and have a talk about the role that his mother plays in your lives. You two need to be on the same page about this, but if she is so bad that two hours with her drives him crazy, limiting your contact with her or telling her to knock it off when she's being rude shouldn't be too difficult.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
100% exactly what I was thinking. My MIL is very difficult. And seriously the only way to manage it is for us to set boundaries. DH and I are on the same page so that when needed, we can enforce the boundaries w/ her - or else, it will only continue and get worse. Your MIL acts like that b/c she can get away with it. The first few times we had to ask MIL to leave our house - it wasn't a fun discussion. But you know what - the visits after that got better.
Hugs to you! That sounds like a terrible day. And a good reason for you to say not to one of their invitations in the future. And by the way - who lets a 5 year old pee in a bottle on the highway? I just can't even imagine that.
What a peach. She sounds lovely.
Sorry your day was crappy. Hope it gets better!
I'm stressed out just reading that. I am so sorry. That is absolutely terrible.
I would say to call her out, but I have a feeling calling her out will do no good. IMHO...that is probably why your FIL doesn't. Sometimes, with some people, it's just not worth it.
However, I wholeheartedly understand and agree with the less than 2 hour rule. I would stick to that. I would politely decline invitations that would require being with her longer, unless DH is around and wants to do it. If after a while she asks why, I would have DH explain it to her.
I feel bad for your FIL. I wish there was a way for him to spend more time with the kids while still limiting your MIL...but I doubt there is.
What a sucky situation.
10/24/2011 - Surprise BFP; EDD 6/21/12! BOY!
Sweet baby boy born 6/14 9lb 2oz via csection.
I'm so sorry! I want to send you tons of virtual hugs! You made it through the day, which means you never have to do it again. I understand that maybe she thought it was a nice gesture, but I also certainly understand when things are more work (and detrimental to your sanity) than they are worth.
It would be a toss up for me whether or not it was worth it to confront her. Avoid it and limit your time or let her have it, try to set some boundaries and let her know that you're not going to sit back and take her crap like FIL does. Some people need to be put in their place before they behave and others, well, they just suck as people.
I hope the rest of your weekend goes a lot smoother and I hope DH gives you some "time off" when he gets back. You've already earned it and you've still got two more days to go. More hugs coming to you.
Thank you all so much for your support. I felt better after just "getting it out", and to read your sweet posts made me feel even better. Thanks, ladies!
DH and I have been together for 8 years, and at first, it made me absolutely crazy that he would just appease his mom. I thought it was rude for both of them - he had no intentions of following through, and she was demanding some insane things. Otherwise, I thought she was fine. FIL is usually tactful in public and he can be stern behind closed doors, but I *know* he picks his battles with her. (Everyone in my family is always floored that they are still together. None of us know how he tolerates her.) DS arrived 3 years into us being together, and I began to see the "ugly bear" inside. I confronted her on several occasions. Sometimes, it would cause more heartache for long periods of time, because she'd act even worse for a month or so. Usually, it made no difference, and on rare occasions, it would be better for a few days - a week at the max.
Taytee, your post totally made me laugh! I started really thinking about it; how does that happen? The only answer I could come up with was that by the time you're that old, you figure that you are tired of living by "the rules" and you start to make up your own. You figure that you don't have much time left, so you're going to do what you want, when you want, and how you want. If that's the case, and I ever reach that point, my marriage should be very interesting, because DH is just as hard-headed and stubborn as I am!
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