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Preemies
I feel like a single mom
I stay at home to take care of DS so I understand that I will carry more of the responsibility, but it's getting ridiculous. DH doesn't even talk to DS most of the time. Doesn't hold him, play with him, and definitely doesn't do any of the work like diapers or feeding. When I brought it up, crying to him, he just said "I put food on the table." I thought, no I pump that out of my own body, and you think it's disgusting. But that's a different story. I definitely appreciate that he's supporting us, but he needs to build a bond with his son and he should WANT to at least hold him and play with him sometimes. Not to mention that I get no help, he hasn't gotten up at night with him once and I can count on one hand the times he's fed him and changed his diaper. I just don't get it and it seems like I'm constantly upset.
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Re: I feel like a single mom
HUGE hugs to you.
I went through the same thing with my husband. I used to call myself a married single mom. I wasn't sure our marriage was going to survive it, honestly.
But as time went on, it got better. The best thing I did was leave Robbie with him for a few hours. The first time I was gone for about 5 hours (for a lengthy medical test- I didn't have a choice) I came home to a shell of a man. He was absolutely exhausted. that was the last time I heard "I work 8 hours a day." (which he'd said to me, and I had replied I WORK 24 HOURS A DAY.)
A new baby is a huge stressor in the best of circumstances. You have the benefit of a hormonal & instinctual bond with the baby, plus having "gotten to know him" for the months of your pregnancy. My husband had never even held a baby before Robbie. It was all new to him.
I'm not letting the dads off the hook at all. My husband was a total ass for a while. But I also was hesitant to leave them and let him figure out. I would hover and "correct" him a lot. I'm sure I didn't help. I can see all of that now (My son is 2) but at the time? I was just protecting my baby.
But as Robbie got older, my husband got better at stuff, I trusted him more and honestly, I just got pushier. I would hand him the baby and say "your turn" and go take a shower. I didn't ask. I demanded. It might sound b*tchy, but it was the only way I could keep my sanity.
Now that Robbie is going to be 2- they're best buds. A male friend of mine once called the infant stage the "pet rock period." A lot of men want to *DO* something, and let's face it, when they're little, they don't do much except eat, poop & cry. But once they start smiling and laughing and playing.. the dads realize they have a purpose.
I can honestly say now that my husband is a great husband and father, even if I am still a little bitter about how little help he was for a while.
Just hang in there. I think in most cases, it really DOES get better. ((HUG))
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I'll second Trish- it does get better! As J was able to do/play/interact more my DH got way more involved. At the beginning he was pretty hands off- I think more because he didn't know what to do. He would hold J when I asked and then if he was fussy "he's hungry"....I think I actually yelled at one point that no, he wasn't hungy, he's colicky and maybe my DH needed to get off the couch and walk around with him and I was taking the dog for a walk and would be back in an hour...and then I left for an hour. It was effective but I don't reccomend waiting until you are ready to have a total melt down to talk to your DH about how you feel.
I don't think they realize (like anyone that doesn't spend all day with a newborn) just how much work and how exhausting it really is. I had no idea before J arrived.
Try to find a time when the baby is sleeping to talk. It's much more helpful if you use "I" statements instead of "you" statements...like "I'm exhausted by the end of the day and could really use your help so that I can have a 1 hour break from the baby" vs. "You don't help take care of your son". Also if you have a friend/family member that can come give you a break so the two of you can go out- it really does help. I am just now starting to take that advice and our marriage is much better for it. Everyone will tell you that a baby changes everything but it's hard to imagine until you are living it. Just make sure you keep talking to your DH. Let him know how you feel. Mommas need a break.
We had some same issues.I used to have to sit DH down and have a serious conversaion. I had PPD and he didn't help. You really have to sit down with him and talk to him and tell him you what you feel...
It will get better.The LO's arn't FUN at this stage...It sucks but I hope it gets better.
I am going through this right now. Nate works a lot so I understand him being tired and needing rest but it's getting to the point of frustrating on my part. I'm so tired and I need a break. I need him to come home and take the twins from me for just an hour. I have PPA/PPD and I am the only caregiver right now which is not helping me.
I am glad to know that it gets better because at this point, it's not good.
From what I hear this is pretty common. My DH and I went through this too with our first. But with a preemie, there is an added hurdle for bonding. I know for me, I had a lot of trouble bonding with my preemie. He was born at 31 weeks and we had several NEC scares in NICU. Even though most the time he was stable I was still gaurded because I was worried something might happen. It's possible your DH is going through this too.
Also, it is harder for men to bond with their baby until the baby starts to show more personality. Let's face it, they are A LOT of work for the first 6 months and don't really do much. It will get better! Try to include you hubby in the things you do with the baby. Get a bed time routine- feed (maybe pump so DH can bottle feed), bath, massage, book, bed. GL!
I also wanted to add- try not to force it. If the baby is crying and you are busy and he is not doing anything, say something. But for me, when I was having bonding issues the last thing I would have wanted is for someone to point out to me that there was a problem. I was already very aware of that.
I hope it gets better!