Infant Adoption: Would you accept a match of a non-infant?

MyColonyNJ

this question is not for fost/adopt or international - but mainly for those whose plan is adopt a newborn either through an agency or attorney, etc

I was just watching a 20/20 show from 2004, which I actually remember watching when it first aired.

they are following the story of a woman who makes an adoption plan, and follows her in her choice picking a family to raise her son.

Well, one couple who were working with the agency, were actually at the agency when a woman just showed up with her toddler (maybe 2 yrs old) and chose a couple (the ones that were there - who accepted), signed away her rights, and left.

The couple then left with their new son, talk about making a QUICK decision.

So, I am sure this does not happen too often, but it can happen, correct?

So, if you were signed up with an agency or attorney looking for newborn adoption, and were presented with a "match" of a non-newborn - would you accept it?

Would you have a "cap" on age?

mcmann05

YES! I would accept and never look back! I would say I would put a cap on age 2 and under but in all actuality....if I met the child and felt like he/she was a good fit with DH and I....I'm not sure I would turn down any situation. I'm also quite certain that DH feels the exact same.

Dr.Loretta

It can happen. I remember our SW saying they placed a toddler the week we got S.

The age range is one of the things we had to think about for our profile key (the situations we were open to). At the time we filled ours out, I think DH had an upper limit of about a year. In that situation, we likely wouldn't have been presented to any BM that had an older child.

crystalpopcorn

This is tough to answer. I'll do it in three parts:

1)  DS was not even 2 when we were approved.  If we had been matched with a two year old right away (we had a very fast match for DD), there is no way we would have done it.  We probably wouldn't have accepted a one year old at that point either. 

2) If this was my first baby and I wasn't worried about the age spacing, I would definitely consider it.

3)  If my kids were older, say 4 and 6, and we were matched with a one to two year old, we would consider it.  This is purely hypothetical, as we have no plans to adopt again.

We did get HS approved for birth - 12 months, just in case an older infant situation came up. We did not end up needing that though.

 

 

crystalpopcorn

Sorry, but I just remembered this:

When we were in the agency research phase, I called our agency to get info.  The director happened to mention that a mother had just relinquished the rights on her 2 and 4 year old children.  It made me so incredibly sad.  I can't begin to imagine what had happened in that woman's life to make her decide that her children would be better off with another family.  I went home and hugged my little guy tight that night.

 

jewele803

Our SW encouraged us to put an age range in our homestudy for just that reason.  We put infant to age 4.  I don't think our agency sees a lot of these placements, but it gives them families to consider should the situation arise. 

Go_Dawgs

We wanted a newborn, but had to answer on our home study what age range we would accept.  We said newborn to age of four because we didn't want to limit ourselves if an unexpected situation came up.  If a healthy two year old became available for adoption we would have accepted in a heartbeat.  

julandjo

In general, as long as the birth order among our children was not disrupted, absolutely we would accept.

Temp206787500007404

For our first child, it was very important for us (never having been parents before) to experience the newborn and infant stages.

For any future children, we are open to newborn, infant, or toddler placements.  Maybe in the distant future, even placements of older children (when our children are older).

Whether or not I would accept the match would depend on a variety of factors.  There are some situations that the child might come from that we may not be equipped to deal with, and I think not knowing much about it and if there were any attachment disorders going to come into play is kind of scary.  But if it was a normal, healthy family that was just experiencing problems and felt like they couldn't parent for whatever reason, I think we could and would accept the match.  But, like everything else, I would have to evaluate each situation individually to make sure we were equipped.

I had a long conversation today with a dear friend who is a foster mom and I just cried and cried talking with her about her current placements.  My faith in humanity is at an all time low right now and my heart is broken for the little ones in her care.  She is a special person to be able to deal with the array of issues that are facing those children.

koda927

I have to agree with MrsB. Because this is our first, we want to experience the newborn stage and everything that goes with it. However, we did say that we were willing to accept up til a year old. Our agency said that they hardly ever have a child over 3 months come in and when they do it's usually because the mother is pregnant again and wants to go ahead and place both children at the same time. In that case we would be told about the situation and then we would make the decision.

GLynn2009

When we discussed adoption DH always said he wanted a 2 years old and I tried to explain that they do not come that way. After we decided just to raise my 2 bio-kids and not to explore adoption we were asked to adopt DD when she was 6 months. She was 26 months when she came home to stay so I guess DH got what he wanted.

I answer to your question we are open to whatever happens. We are not looking to adopt again but if the situation presents itself we would consider any age.

LaVitaBella

I really would like to experience raising a newborn/infant first, so for our first adoption, no.  I would have to do a lot more research about raising a child who would come to us as a toddler or older first before I decided that in the future to see if we would be a good match for an older child. 

Megs&Nick

I generally lurk to gather information for the future, but my cousin recently did just that for their second adoption.  They were presented a situation in which a very young mother decided to parent but really was not ready for such a commitment.  Her parents obtained legal custody of the child at 6 months old but still had several young children at home, two of which had severe disabilities.  They had hoped that their daughter would be able to parent as she got older and was able to get her life back on track.  After caring for the child for 5 months, they decided it was too much for the entire family and that their dauther was many years away from being able to parent on her own so they placed the 11 month old child for adoption.

They have an open adoption in which the grandparents and nieces and nephews are able to visit once a month.  This has helped ease the transition somewhat.  The first few days and weeks were rough but the child has made huge strides and is totally bonded with the adoptive parents after a few short months.  They were hesitant at first, as they were expecting an infant, but are thrilled with their decision now.

FinallyMrs.G

We were recently approached by a close friend of the family (my parents best friends) that are raising their one year old grand daughter. We have our hearts set on a newborn for our first. As hard as it was to say no, it just wasn't the right situation for us. Now, if we already had our first child it would have been different. Our cap on age is about 2 months.