Im having a really hard time....

lrrb

Hi everyone.  I think most of you know me bc I post a lot but don't really know my story.  So here it is....short version;

Struggled with IF for 2 years, after an IVF m/c that was the final straw we went in the direction of adoption and we were SUPER excited about our choice.  We got matched 5 weeks after we got our profile out and waited for baby K to be born for 4 months in those 4 months I got pregnant (yeah yeah I?m that girl, can't get pregnant on my own for 2 years and them boom, I hate being "that" girl.)  Anyways of course we went through with the adoption bc the SECOND we decided to adopt we did it bc we wanted to adopt period.  So here I am with two babies 5.5 months apart and I love every second of my girls.

Okay so here my problem.  3 years ago I started to get vertigo (I?m only 27) not just normal vertigo but very serious vertigo were I was laid up in bed for MONTHS at a time.  Well last year after my most recent bout with it I saw a specialist in Chicago and he put me on two meds that have worked WONDERS for my vertigo butttt I can't get pregnant on them bc they are class D pregnancy drugs and I?m just not willing to risk that on my unborn baby. 

 My husband and I always said we wanted to adopt our 3rd and have a bio 4th (if we can get that lucky again) but I guess I?m just struggling with the loss of the possibility of another bio child. 

My question is this - those that KNOW they can not (without a doubt) have a bio child how do you grieve that loss?  I feel like I never got to do that and I?m doing it right now and I can't shake it.  Yes I should be happy I have my girls and I AM happy, trust me, but it still hurts knowing I want more children and it might not happen.  I don't even know if this is the right board to post this on but you girls are always so supportive and so I just need some kind words....if you have some to spare....

Thanks ladies xoxo

 

GulfCoaster

I'm glad you asked this question tonight, actually...  I'm having a tough time tonight.  My DH and I had dinner with one of his friends-- they are expecting their fourth child and haven't had any problems with fertility.  So I don't really have any advice about how to grieve IF, since I'm still grieving and jealous, but I'll also be watching to see what advice wiser ladies can give.

*hugs*

lovemymonkey

thanks for posting this. I had never really considered this scenario. I guess I always assumed that having a bio child would quench the deep desire to have a bio child. Maybe b/c with my IF journey, my desire to have a bio child had to do a lot with experiencing pregnancy and having a child that shared genetics with my DH and me. When we realized we wouldn't be having bio children, I realized that I just wanted to be a mom and DH just wanted to be a dad. It wasn't about the pregnancy experience or genetics anymore, it's about the parenting experience.

It is so hard though to put away your "dreams" or what you had imagined for your life (in your case 2 bio, 2 adopted children). You need time to mourn that loss.

good luck, sweetie, and I'm so sorry to hear your news ((((((hugs))))))))

 

Ranita

I'm sorry that I can't tell you 'how' to grieve but you are on the right track to be asking because I can tell you that you must.  Give yourself permission and time because it is so important.  I cannot say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will never be 'that girl'.  Only God knows since we don't have a medical explanation.  Having said that, I did go through all the stages of grief and i can truly say that I have complete peace with picturing never having a pregnancy.  I didn't think that day would come but it did.  I think for me it was letting myself feel every stage of things even though it hurt and certain days I thought I should snap myself out of it, but I didn't and that was the best thing for me.  A lot of journalling, a lot of girlfriend coffee dates.  Sorry for all the rambling. hope something I said was helpful

Amy720

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.  To me, it was never about having a biological child..it was about being a mommy.  I wanted a baby period and didn't have to get pregnant to be a mommy.  I don't think I ever went through a grieving process.  I never had too.  Ben is an only child and will continue to be, but that's perfectly allright with me. 

lrrb

Ranita:

I'm sorry that I can't tell you 'how' to grieve but you are on the right track to be asking because I can tell you that you must.  Give yourself permission and time because it is so important.  I cannot say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will never be 'that girl'.  Only God knows since we don't have a medical explanation.  Having said that, I did go through all the stages of grief and i can truly say that I have complete peace with picturing never having a pregnancy.  I didn't think that day would come but it did.  I think for me it was letting myself feel every stage of things even though it hurt and certain days I thought I should snap myself out of it, but I didn't and that was the best thing for me.  A lot of journalling, a lot of girlfriend coffee dates.  Sorry for all the rambling. hope something I said was helpful

Thank you! Those that say they never needed to grieve that's fine but its good to hear that I'm not alone. It has nothing to do with "just wanting to be a mommy" bc clearly I'm already a mommy but more about not being in control of my own body..know what I mean? I hate that I have to be a meds, I hate that I'm sick when I'm not taking them and I hate that my dream of a bif family might be stopping here. Thank you for your kind words! ((Hugs))

mcmann05

I've grieved since being told we had MFI in 2008. Then more recently we were told "I" was the issue and we had a 5% chance of getting pregnant on our own. I think part of me always knew it wasn't going to happen so I think I started grieving about 6 months into trying. I've known I've wanted kids for sooo long so I figured it wouldn't come easy (negative, I know but I still felt that way).

 I still have problems with baby announcements, baby showers and other stuff in general. I volunteered to go to BRU the other night with a friend because with the hope of a pending adoption thought I would check stuff out. I was worried that it would make it worse but it actually helped me to be positive. I couldn't help walking around the store and thinking oh that's so cute...I hope I get to buy that one day.

I'm actually still at the point of: Is this really going to happen?! WILL, I EVER be a mom?!

I feel for you and hope you find some answers soon. :-) Good luck!

Dr.Loretta

Amy720:

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.  To me, it was never about having a biological child..it was about being a mommy.  I wanted a baby period and didn't have to get pregnant to be a mommy.  I don't think I ever went through a grieving process.  I never had too.  Ben is an only child and will continue to be, but that's perfectly allright with me. 

This is a lot how I feel as well.

Magoy

You probably remember my SAIF post last week on this subject.  It's been over a year since I had DD and then had a hysterectomy.  It's hard, really hard for me.  Just wrapping my mind around never feeling a baby kick inside of me... never breast feeding another baby... it's hard.  And it comes and goes.  Sometimes I can imagine us one and done and how great that would be to devote 100% of our attention to just DD (the vacations and education we could give to just one child.)  But, I know that the plan was to have several and we were never thinking then that we couldn't afford to do all that with them.  

It is a grieving process.  I grieve the children I will never have.  The loss of a dream as one of the PPs put it.  And I allow myself to cry and be angry and then I just have to move on.  But it's hard. 

I try to remind myself that ultimately I just wanted to be a mom.  Just like I wanted to be a my husband's wife.  How I got there (via pregnancy or planning a huge expensive wedding) didn't matter.  It was the end result that I wanted.  And I wanted to have several kids.  My path there will just be different.  

You have a beautiful story.  And if you are fortunate enough to adopt again, then I say go for it!  You can still have your four babies.... it's only your path there that will change.   

(((Hugs))) 

Amy 

hoping4more

I too am having troubles with this. Although we wont be looking into adoption more until 2011, I am still at this denial stage and sure I'm going to do it on my own. Maybe I will, maybe I wont, I don't really know but it looks grim. 

I know when we get into adoption I can still pursue treatments, but probably wont. I know then I will have to grieve, and that scares me because I don't do grieving well.  

lrrb

Magoy:

You probably remember my SAIF post last week on this subject.  It's been over a year since I had DD and then had a hysterectomy.  It's hard, really hard for me.  Just wrapping my mind around never feeling a baby kick inside of me... never breast feeding another baby... it's hard.  And it comes and goes.  Sometimes I can imagine us one and done and how great that would be to devote 100% of our attention to just DD (the vacations and education we could give to just one child.)  But, I know that the plan was to have several and we were never thinking then that we couldn't afford to do all that with them.  

It is a grieving process.  I grieve the children I will never have.  The loss of a dream as one of the PPs put it.  And I allow myself to cry and be angry and then I just have to move on.  But it's hard. 

I try to remind myself that ultimately I just wanted to be a mom.  Just like I wanted to be a my husband's wife.  How I got there (via pregnancy or planning a huge expensive wedding) didn't matter.  It was the end result that I wanted.  And I wanted to have several kids.  My path there will just be different.  

You have a beautiful story.  And if you are fortunate enough to adopt again, then I say go for it!  You can still have your four babies.... it's only your path there that will change.   

(((Hugs))) 

Amy 

 

Thank you....everything you said was so well said.  I love that you said its only my path that will change....beautiful.  Thank you. 

lrrb

Dr.Loretta:

Amy720:

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.  To me, it was never about having a biological child..it was about being a mommy.  I wanted a baby period and didn't have to get pregnant to be a mommy.  I don't think I ever went through a grieving process.  I never had too.  Ben is an only child and will continue to be, but that's perfectly allright with me. 

This is a lot how I feel as well.

 

Im glad both of you never had to grieve thats wonderful but I think most woman do and I didn't until now.....and I have two kids....it sneaks up on you thats for sure....