Fuming. Don't know what to do. — The Bump
Military Families

Fuming. Don't know what to do.

To avoid trying to explain all that is going on with my family right now, the short version of the story is my husband is NG, he extended his contract last year to go on a deployment due to lack of good paying work here in Michigan. Then he finally got hired into a job in April, which requires us to move out of state. He is out of state training for this job until the fall. His unit did the paperwork for him to be inactive so he wouldn't have to drill during this time, and told him that he would not have to go on the deployment, just finish out the contract extension.

I just checked his e-mail (he knows I do this, he doesn't care) and the readiness NCO sent him an e-mail ELEVEN DAYS AGO saying that he was going to be called back by the commander from inactive status to go on the deployment. He still hasn't even mentioned this to me. And, essentially this means we will be apart for over a year and a half. Begin nervous breakdown.... now.

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Re: Fuming. Don't know what to do.

  • How much time is left on his extension?
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  • He had to extend until the end of 2011.

    Which, by the way, I said absolutely not to and he did it anyway.

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  • So I'm going to guess that he extended through his 2 years inactive so that he could come home, hope to sit in his dwell time, then his 8 years mandatory service obligation(MSO) was done and he'd be out for good. But unfortunately he has enough time on his extension to do a deployment so depending on how long he's been home, there's not a whole lot to do. If he's been home less than a year, he can try to ask for his year of dwell time but it doesn't always work.

    And what do you mean you said absolutely not to his extension? It's HIS contract not yours. While I agree you should have a say and things should be decided anyway, he's the one who ultimately has to make the decision. I hope you can realize what he does is a wonderful thing and support your husband.

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  • Oh and he didn't *have* to extend until the end of 2011.  Extensions are voluntary and he could have only done 6 months or 1 year. 
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  • image mermer82:

    He had to extend until the end of 2011.

    Which, by the way, I said absolutely not to and he did it anyway.

    Do you place his balls on the bedside, or the mantle?

  • I'm pretty much just going to ditto everything BEB said.  Sorry.
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  • image buckeyebabe08:
    Oh and he didn't *have* to extend until the end of 2011.  Extensions are voluntary and he could have only done 6 months or 1 year. 

    Okay I'll rephrase, he was told to extend until 2011, so he could get assignment incentive pay while deployed.

    And I'm sorry, I think any contract is a family decision, not HIS decision. I would have settled for coming to an agreement, but before it had even been extensively discussed, he went to drill and signed the deployment extension stabilization pay paperwork.

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  • image mermer82:

    image buckeyebabe08:
    Oh and he didn't *have* to extend until the end of 2011.  Extensions are voluntary and he could have only done 6 months or 1 year. 

    Okay I'll rephrase, he was told to extend until 2011, so he could get assignment incentive pay while deployed.

    And I'm sorry, I think any contract is a family decision, not HIS decision. I would have settled for coming to an agreement, but before it had even been extensively discussed, he went to drill and signed the deployment extension stabilization pay paperwork.

    Ahhh. I don't blame him for extending that way then since re-enlistment bonuses are hard as shiit to come by. 

    And I'm not going to argue with you about the contract thing.

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  • Also, I wouldn't worry so much about the possibility of a looming deployment. You guys obviously need to focus on your communication.
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  • image buckeyebabe08:

    So I'm going to guess that he extended through his 2 years inactive so that he could come home, hope to sit in his dwell time, then his 8 years mandatory service obligation(MSO) was done and he'd be out for good. But unfortunately he has enough time on his extension to do a deployment so depending on how long he's been home, there's not a whole lot to do. If he's been home less than a year, he can try to ask for his year of dwell time but it doesn't always work.

    And what do you mean you said absolutely not to his extension? It's HIS contract not yours. While I agree you should have a say and things should be decided anyway, he's the one who ultimately has to make the decision. I hope you can realize what he does is a wonderful thing and support your husband.

    No, he did not extend into his 2 years inactive. His contract was supposed to end this month. He was AD for 2 years and NG for 6 so from what little I know about that part of it, he didn't have IRR time because he went NG after AD? Something like that... so he was supposed to be done. Yesterday.

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  • image buckeyebabe08:
    Also, I wouldn't worry so much about the possibility of a looming deployment. You guys obviously need to focus on your communication.

    Yeah that would be easier if he wasn't already gone.

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  • image mermer82:
    image buckeyebabe08:

    So I'm going to guess that he extended through his 2 years inactive so that he could come home, hope to sit in his dwell time, then his 8 years mandatory service obligation(MSO) was done and he'd be out for good. But unfortunately he has enough time on his extension to do a deployment so depending on how long he's been home, there's not a whole lot to do. If he's been home less than a year, he can try to ask for his year of dwell time but it doesn't always work.

    And what do you mean you said absolutely not to his extension? It's HIS contract not yours. While I agree you should have a say and things should be decided anyway, he's the one who ultimately has to make the decision. I hope you can realize what he does is a wonderful thing and support your husband.

    No, he did not extend into his 2 years inactive. His contract was supposed to end this month. He was AD for 2 years and NG for 6 so from what little I know about that part of it, he didn't have IRR time because he went NG after AD? Something like that... so he was supposed to be done. Yesterday.

    How the hell did he get a contract for AD for only two years? And if that's correct, then yes, you're right. He wouldn't have inactive time.  I was going based off his was Guard and a standard 6 and 2 contract.

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  • image mermer82:

    image buckeyebabe08:
    Also, I wouldn't worry so much about the possibility of a looming deployment. You guys obviously need to focus on your communication.

    Yeah that would be easier if he wasn't already gone.

    Uhhh, isn't he only in another state for job training?

    [IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/25tc21k.jpg[/IMG]
  • image buckeyebabe08:
    image mermer82:
    image buckeyebabe08:

    So I'm going to guess that he extended through his 2 years inactive so that he could come home, hope to sit in his dwell time, then his 8 years mandatory service obligation(MSO) was done and he'd be out for good. But unfortunately he has enough time on his extension to do a deployment so depending on how long he's been home, there's not a whole lot to do. If he's been home less than a year, he can try to ask for his year of dwell time but it doesn't always work.

    And what do you mean you said absolutely not to his extension? It's HIS contract not yours. While I agree you should have a say and things should be decided anyway, he's the one who ultimately has to make the decision. I hope you can realize what he does is a wonderful thing and support your husband.

    No, he did not extend into his 2 years inactive. His contract was supposed to end this month. He was AD for 2 years and NG for 6 so from what little I know about that part of it, he didn't have IRR time because he went NG after AD? Something like that... so he was supposed to be done. Yesterday.

    How the hell did he get a contract for AD for only two years? And if that's correct, then yes, you're right. He wouldn't have inactive time.  I was going based off his was Guard and a standard 6 and 2 contract.

    Field Artillery? He said that and maybe infantry were the only things he could do for 2 years at the time. And yes, he is just in another state, but on the other side of the country, so factor in a 2 hour time difference, him being in classes all day long, and me having a 4 month old that I go to bed with at 8 PM, it doesn't make communication easy. I actually think I talked to him three times more often the last time he was in Iraq.

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  • image buckeyebabe08:
    image mermer82:
    image buckeyebabe08:

    So I'm going to guess that he extended through his 2 years inactive so that he could come home, hope to sit in his dwell time, then his 8 years mandatory service obligation(MSO) was done and he'd be out for good. But unfortunately he has enough time on his extension to do a deployment so depending on how long he's been home, there's not a whole lot to do. If he's been home less than a year, he can try to ask for his year of dwell time but it doesn't always work.

    And what do you mean you said absolutely not to his extension? It's HIS contract not yours. While I agree you should have a say and things should be decided anyway, he's the one who ultimately has to make the decision. I hope you can realize what he does is a wonderful thing and support your husband.

    No, he did not extend into his 2 years inactive. His contract was supposed to end this month. He was AD for 2 years and NG for 6 so from what little I know about that part of it, he didn't have IRR time because he went NG after AD? Something like that... so he was supposed to be done. Yesterday.

    How the hell did he get a contract for AD for only two years? And if that's correct, then yes, you're right. He wouldn't have inactive time.  I was going based off his was Guard and a standard 6 and 2 contract.

    Field Artillery? He said that and maybe infantry were the only things he could do for 2 years at the time. And yes, he is just in another state, but on the other side of the country, so factor in a 2 hour time difference, him being in classes all day long, and me having a 4 month old that I go to bed with at 8 PM, it doesn't make communication easy. I actually think I talked to him three times more often the last time he was in Iraq.

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  • image buckeyebabe08:
    image mermer82:
    image buckeyebabe08:

    So I'm going to guess that he extended through his 2 years inactive so that he could come home, hope to sit in his dwell time, then his 8 years mandatory service obligation(MSO) was done and he'd be out for good. But unfortunately he has enough time on his extension to do a deployment so depending on how long he's been home, there's not a whole lot to do. If he's been home less than a year, he can try to ask for his year of dwell time but it doesn't always work.

    And what do you mean you said absolutely not to his extension? It's HIS contract not yours. While I agree you should have a say and things should be decided anyway, he's the one who ultimately has to make the decision. I hope you can realize what he does is a wonderful thing and support your husband.

    No, he did not extend into his 2 years inactive. His contract was supposed to end this month. He was AD for 2 years and NG for 6 so from what little I know about that part of it, he didn't have IRR time because he went NG after AD? Something like that... so he was supposed to be done. Yesterday.

    How the hell did he get a contract for AD for only two years? And if that's correct, then yes, you're right. He wouldn't have inactive time.  I was going based off his was Guard and a standard 6 and 2 contract.

    Field Artillery? He said that and maybe infantry were the only things he could do for 2 years at the time. And yes, he is just in another state, but on the other side of the country, so factor in a 2 hour time difference, him being in classes all day long, and me having a 4 month old that I go to bed with at 8 PM, it doesn't make communication easy. I actually think I talked to him three times more often the last time he was in Iraq.

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  • That's weird. I've always heard the minimum was 3 years. Whatevs.  And you're preaching to the choir sister. I'm in IL and MH is in CA and has been for two months now. I don't have a 4 month old but I was working 11 hours then going to school at night. By the time I get home from class, it was straight to bed for me.
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  • image buckeyebabe08:
    That's weird. I've always heard the minimum was 3 years. Whatevs.  And you're preaching to the choir sister. I'm in IL and MH is in CA and has been for two months now. I don't have a 4 month old but I was working 11 hours then going to school at night. By the time I get home from class, it was straight to bed for me.

    How do you deal? I'm looking for any and all suggestions at this point. I don't know how to fix our communication issues when we don't ever see each other. I just feel like being separated for like 20 months will be disasterous for our relationship. I'm watching my parents go through a divorce right now and my dad always worked and was never around and that played a huge part. Its a little too close to home for me to deal with this news about the deployment on top of the fact that he is already gone.

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  • image mermer82:

    image buckeyebabe08:
    Also, I wouldn't worry so much about the possibility of a looming deployment. You guys obviously need to focus on your communication.

    Yeah that would be easier if he wasn't already gone.

    Phone calls, emails, text messages, IM, skype, etc all really help with the long distance stuff.  Not the same as being together, of course, but it helps.

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  • image mermer82:

    image buckeyebabe08:
    That's weird. I've always heard the minimum was 3 years. Whatevs.  And you're preaching to the choir sister. I'm in IL and MH is in CA and has been for two months now. I don't have a 4 month old but I was working 11 hours then going to school at night. By the time I get home from class, it was straight to bed for me.

    How do you deal? I'm looking for any and all suggestions at this point. I don't know how to fix our communication issues when we don't ever see each other. I just feel like being separated for like 20 months will be disasterous for our relationship. I'm watching my parents go through a divorce right now and my dad always worked and was never around and that played a huge part. Its a little too close to home for me to deal with this news about the deployment on top of the fact that he is already gone.

    I just do. We're both military and I love him.

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  • Honestly I don't have any experience with NG, mine was all AD.  BUT there was a SM in my old unit who had already ETSed when the stop-loss/stop-move  came out and was back dated to before his ETS.  I know in his case he was able to avoid the deployment because he was already out...even though they cut him orders they couldn't serve him with them so they were nullififed.  Is there a chance that if the unit already did the paperwork to make him inactive he might have a similar recourse?  I am not advocating intentionally skipping a deployment but I also understand how the last minute change is stressful as hell.  Ultimately the time apart sucks but is survivable. 

    Also...he made the comittment to the NG and to ddeploy prior to the new job...so his responsibility is to the NG first and the employer second.

  • image gasper:

    Honestly I don't have any experience with NG, mine was all AD.  BUT there was a SM in my old unit who had already ETSed when the stop-loss/stop-move  came out and was back dated to before his ETS.  I know in his case he was able to avoid the deployment because he was already out...even though they cut him orders they couldn't serve him with them so they were nullififed.  Is there a chance that if the unit already did the paperwork to make him inactive he might have a similar recourse?  I am not advocating intentionally skipping a deployment but I also understand how the last minute change is stressful as hell.  Ultimately the time apart sucks but is survivable. 

    Also...he made the comittment to the NG and to ddeploy prior to the new job...so his responsibility is to the NG first and the employer second.

    No because he volunteered to extend so as far as the Guard/Army is concerned he has until the end of 2011 on his contract. Regardless of if it's inactive/active, he has an obligation to fulfill. He has not ETSed and won't until the end of 2011.

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  • How do you deal? I'm looking for any and all suggestions at this point. I don't know how to fix our communication issues when we don't ever see each other. I just feel like being separated for like 20 months will be disasterous for our relationship. I'm watching my parents go through a divorce right now and my dad always worked and was never around and that played a huge part. Its a little too close to home for me to deal with this news about the deployment on top of the fact that he is already gone.

    [/quote/]

    Not seeing each other gets really old really quick.  I have a 8 month old, my DH is across the country, I'm military, and I'm in night school.  I don't exactly have time to talk to him, but we try to get a phone call in or email everyday- even if its just "hi, miss you, bye".  You just have to keep it in perspective... in a few years you will hardly remember this and one day it'll just be the 2 of you retired, somewhere quiet with no worries.  Its a test for any marriage, but you just have to know its worth it.  :) 

  • image CGmommaAmber:

    How do you deal? I'm looking for any and all suggestions at this point. I don't know how to fix our communication issues when we don't ever see each other. I just feel like being separated for like 20 months will be disasterous for our relationship. I'm watching my parents go through a divorce right now and my dad always worked and was never around and that played a huge part. Its a little too close to home for me to deal with this news about the deployment on top of the fact that he is already gone.

    [/quote/]

    Not seeing each other gets really old really quick.  I have a 8 month old, my DH is across the country, I'm military, and I'm in night school.  I don't exactly have time to talk to him, but we try to get a phone call in or email everyday- even if its just "hi, miss you, bye".  You just have to keep it in perspective... in a few years you will hardly remember this and one day it'll just be the 2 of you retired, somewhere quiet with no worries.  Its a test for any marriage, but you just have to know its worth it.  :) 

    It does get old doesn't it? Man. We were talking about it a few days ago and out of the almost 2 years we've been married and 2 1/2 we've been together, we've lived together, maybe 3 months at the longest.  It's tough, no lie. Being dual status is a bit PITA, but we love the Army and each other so we make it work.

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  • image buckeyebabe08:
    image CGmommaAmber:

    How do you deal? I'm looking for any and all suggestions at this point. I don't know how to fix our communication issues when we don't ever see each other. I just feel like being separated for like 20 months will be disasterous for our relationship. I'm watching my parents go through a divorce right now and my dad always worked and was never around and that played a huge part. Its a little too close to home for me to deal with this news about the deployment on top of the fact that he is already gone.

    [/quote/]

    Not seeing each other gets really old really quick.  I have a 8 month old, my DH is across the country, I'm military, and I'm in night school.  I don't exactly have time to talk to him, but we try to get a phone call in or email everyday- even if its just "hi, miss you, bye".  You just have to keep it in perspective... in a few years you will hardly remember this and one day it'll just be the 2 of you retired, somewhere quiet with no worries.  Its a test for any marriage, but you just have to know its worth it.  :) 

    It does get old doesn't it? Man. We were talking about it a few days ago and out of the almost 2 years we've been married and 2 1/2 we've been together, we've lived together, maybe 3 months at the longest.  It's tough, no lie. Being dual status is a bit PITA, but we love the Army and each other so we make it work.

    lol... yup, people ask how we do it and I always say, I didn't realize there was another option.

  •  

     dual status is a bit PITA, but we love the Army and each other so we make it work.

     

    lol... yup, people ask how we do it and I always say, I didn't realize there was another option.

     

    Amen sista! :)

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  • image cahill999:
    image mermer82:

    He had to extend until the end of 2011.

    Which, by the way, I said absolutely not to and he did it anyway.

    Do you place his balls on the bedside, or the mantle?

    With all due respect, she should absolutely have a say in this.  She shouldn't have the final word, but she gets to be involved.  The military isn't like a normal career.  It affects her life just as much as it affects his.  If he had told her when they married that he was a "lifer" then she gets what she gets.  However, that is not the case. 

    I have been active in DH re-enlisting/extending each time.  I have to put my career aspirations on the back burner while DH is in the military.  Sure I can accomplish some things, but it will always come secondary to his career while he is in the military.  So, maybe I have my DH by the balls, but you're damn right that I have a say in the decision if he re-enlists or extends.  AND, I would be PISSED if he re-enlisted/extended without talking to me about it or doing it behind my back.

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  • image Lissa832:
    image cahill999:
    image mermer82:

    He had to extend until the end of 2011.

    Which, by the way, I said absolutely not to and he did it anyway.

    Do you place his balls on the bedside, or the mantle?

    With all due respect, she should absolutely have a say in this.  She shouldn't have the final word, but she gets to be involved.  The military isn't like a normal career.  It affects her life just as much as it affects his.  If he had told her when they married that he was a "lifer" then she gets what she gets.  However, that is not the case. 

    I have been active in DH re-enlisting/extending each time.  I have to put my career aspirations on the back burner while DH is in the military.  Sure I can accomplish some things, but it will always come secondary to his career while he is in the military.  So, maybe I have my DH by the balls, but you're damn right that I have a say in the decision if he re-enlists or extends.  AND, I would be PISSED if he re-enlisted/extended without talking to me about it or doing it behind my back.

    No one said she didn't have a say in it.  It was the way she said "I said absolutely not" that people found absurd.  She has every right to  be upset that he did it behind her back but it was her attitude toward the extension in the first place that put me off.

    [IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/25tc21k.jpg[/IMG]
  • image buckeyebabe08:
    image Lissa832:
    image cahill999:
    image mermer82:

    He had to extend until the end of 2011.

    Which, by the way, I said absolutely not to and he did it anyway.

    Do you place his balls on the bedside, or the mantle?

    With all due respect, she should absolutely have a say in this.  She shouldn't have the final word, but she gets to be involved.  The military isn't like a normal career.  It affects her life just as much as it affects his.  If he had told her when they married that he was a "lifer" then she gets what she gets.  However, that is not the case. 

    I have been active in DH re-enlisting/extending each time.  I have to put my career aspirations on the back burner while DH is in the military.  Sure I can accomplish some things, but it will always come secondary to his career while he is in the military.  So, maybe I have my DH by the balls, but you're damn right that I have a say in the decision if he re-enlists or extends.  AND, I would be PISSED if he re-enlisted/extended without talking to me about it or doing it behind my back.

    No one said she didn't have a say in it.  It was the way she said "I said absolutely not" that people found absurd.  She has every right to  be upset that he did it behind her back but it was her attitude toward the extension in the first place that put me off.

    Sorry BEB but I think you were the only one that read it that way- if my DH even thought that any form of decision in the military was his alone or not completely 50/50 then we would not be married.  I agree with Lissa.
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