Do you think you ignored some things about DH

AggieCouple

before you got married?

Or did you acknowledge all (or most) of it, even the stuff that you hated, and just decided that when you averaged it all together, he was a keeper?

Or did you acknowledge it, but hoped he'd change? 

 I ask because my friend's wife is contemplating divorce.  She cites things like how messy he is, his temper, his workaholicism, all things that were completely self-evident before their marriage.  Half those things, she makes comments like "I didn't 'realize' he'd work so much," despite the fact that he worked the day of their rehearsal dinner.  The other half, she thought he'd "change".

I guess for me, I don't understand why you'd marry someone, hoping they'd change.  If you hope they'll change, why do you love them?  Or at least, why do you love them enough to marry them? 

I get it if they changed for the worse after the wedding. That always sucks.   But traits that you must have realized after dating him for 6 years, living with him for 3 of those years?

H has his flaws, but I made d*mn sure I'd be able to live with them before I accepted that ring.

Your thoughts? 

SumnerBride

I didn't ignore things, but I guess some things didn't bother me as bad BEFORE we had kids together.  For me, it was having the children that changed the man/marriage in my house.

I agree though-you shouldn't marry a man if you think he's going to change for you, or you want him to change.  You're just setting yourself up for failure.

stacynikki

Everyone has flaws.  I knew that DH was messy when I married him but it's not a dealbreaker.  It drives me up the freakin wall but I'm not going to divorce him over it.  DH has become a workaholic over the last 6 months and it's been a source of contention.  It wasn't so bad when it was just DS1 but now that we have two it's been getting to be a little much.  I may be a little resentful but I love DH, he loves me, and we're committed to our marriage.  We'll get through it because at the core we know what is important. 

Chrisy-Wyobride

I don't think I acknowledged/realized quite how much DH's Mom spoiled him (got everything he wanted, never worked at all until after college & did nothing around the house)  which resulted in him not being super motivated to do stuff around the house.  He does great at work & is a great provider--but extra efforts (beyond helping w/ the kids & laundry) are hard to come by these days.  He did do a lot around the house before we had kids & when we just had 1.  Since we've had more kids  I can't really do as much myself (I used to paint, etc all the time) & I realized fast that DH was just joining me & not really motivated to do that stuff (remodels, fixing up) w/ out me.  I didn't marry him thinking he would change much though.  He's a really great catch overall so I can't really complain.

femmegem

Nope, I didn't ignore or hope he'd change. We've both accepted each other pretty fully, the good and the bad. Some of the things he does still drive me crazy and vice-versa, but certainly not enough to think about ending our marriage. The only times I've thought about not being married to him anymore have been when I'm losing it a little (I really probably need to be on antidepressants and in therapy all the time, but I'm stubborn and don't do that).

JOEBunny

I was not really surprised by DH, though I think that some things I could not have anticipated how some traits would impact raising children.  Fortunately, I have some opposite traits that counter DH's, so it works, but I don't think it is possible to always anticipate how particular traits will effect your life as you grow and change.

My DH was not really into little kids before we married, and still isn't.  But other traits I can think of that are hard to tell in advance are messy becomes hoarder, Workaholic goes from 60 to 80 hours a week, the Saturday binge becomes 5 days a week, ect. 

 

Jodi&Joe

Two thoughts....

1. When you first start dating, at least in my experience, you are more willing to overlook things.  It's new, there's the whole butterfly feelings, etc. 

But most importantly....

2. When you are dating, it's not "FOR THE REST OF MY EVER LOVINGFUCKING LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  For example, I am going to have to see those beer bottles on my counter FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!  I am going to have to deal with subtle manipulation FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE (which, btw, when dating...was "oh, isn't he cute!  he wants to spend all his time with me!" Not so cute when it's FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!)

Get the picture! 

wildfloweragain

I didn't ignore, I just didn't know some quirks (mainly family quirks, not really him) were actually psychological problems and that our family would be affected by them.  Such as hoarding and food binging.

 

Some things I thought I could see of Dh that would be an issue when we had kids, really are not because he has mellowed out and I might even say became a better person on his own in some ways. Like language (cursing) and diversity (knowledge and understanding of different cultures.)

cnybride2be

nahh.we were together for five years and lived together for three of the five so i wanted to marry him still (despite anything i felt i should ignore or overlook.) and the only thing i can think of is he's a super neaty. i'm not.  we somehow meet in the middle over this=i clean more because of him, he ignores some chaos because of me.

oh and although shocked over it initially i have grown accustomed to how he can fork half a pie or half a cake. it wasn't the unhealthy eating, it was the dude cut a pice eat it, cut another piece if you want that was lacking.

and i spent a good amount of time getting to know his family before i married him.  that sealed it for me, they're good folk even though they too can fork half a pie.  so as silly as my pie story is, family tells a lot about what you might have ignored or grown accustomed to.