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Military Families
I don't know how to handle this...
My husband is away for training for the next few months. He left a few times when we were dating, but it was never for longer than a month and I think it only happened about twice.
I'm struggling a lot with him being gone. My father was in the military, but he actually got out by the time I was four; so I don't remember his absences. Though, I do have an issue with men leaving their families and I think it stems from my father. When I was about 9 my father left for 6 months to work several states away. We didn't see him at all. He maybe came home only once because we couldn't afford plane tickets and it's like a three day drive (he was pretty much on the other side of the US). While he was gone, he developed a relationship with another woman and ended up cheating on my mother. After this they struggled for about 6 years to repair things but just couldn't do it so they decided to divorce. After being divorced for a few months, they remarried. Now it's been about 13 years since it happened and I think they're doing great now. But it was a huge struggle for our family.
I never realized how much my fathers infidelity affected me until I met my husband and settled into a serious relationship/marriage with him. My husband is the most wonderful guy in the world and is very monogomous. But I know even the most amazing people are imperfect and they make mistakes. I struggle with him being gone because I'm afraid of something happening just like what happened to my mother. But I believe there is another reason I struggle.
I feel like he has taken off and is living a bachelor-type lifestyle while I'm sitting at home pregnant with his child. I feel like we are living very seperate lives, I'm still living the mother/wife role, but he's living a bachelor role because he's out socializing by himself, with his wife no where in sight. He has nothing to worry about but himself. He can go out drinking and stay out late and this contrasts my life a lot because I can't go out drinking with friends anymore. Actually, since I've gotten pregnant and moved away from the town we went to college in, I don't really have any friends anymore. All my friends are young, single and still doing the college thing. We have nothing in common anymore. I haven't talked to the girls I used to go out with in months.
I have this bitterness about men who leave their families, and it is making it really hard for me to handle my husband being gone. Last night I was dizzy and nauseous and couldn't sleep, so I called my husband. He was out at a party that was supposed to have ended about 30 minutes before I called. We talked for a few seconds, but he just kinda pushed me off the phone and told me to try and get some sleep. He just wanted to get back to the party, I know. This made me feel terrible. I'm sick at home with his child and he's drinking and having a grand ol' time.
Sigh, this long. So I'll end it here. I just don't know how to get through this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I don't know how to handle this...
First of all, lots of hugs for everything you're going through. At first. I was going to tell you to put on some big girl panties and get used to your DH being gone, but when I read what you wrote about your father, it totally makes sense. It makes me wonder if you have explained this to him? It sounds like you're not blaming him, but have good insight to how this lifestyle impacts you, and it might be a good idea to lay it all out for him and come up with ways for you to feel more secure with separations.
I don't have a lot of advice about the second part, with him living more like a bachelor, but all I can say is I JUST had a conversation with another wife from DH's section about this exact thing, it's like the Army brings it out in them. DH and I have had some conversations about how spending stupid amounts of money at bars is not really conducive to saving for a new baby, and he always puts his tail between his legs and apologizes- I don't know, maybe it's some camaraderie thing... but, talk with him about it as well.
Also, I know that I feel different in almost all my relationships since I've gotten pregnant, and I think with that comes some inherent loneliness, but I think we'll adjust to this new sense of who we are, and who we are to those around us. But, I understand how you feel. But remember, it's so much harder for fathers to feel like fathers until they see the baby, when we're the ones pregnant and are feeling so many changes already, maybe you can find some ways to help him feel more involved, and some of those behaviors might disappear?
Good luck and hang in there!
I don't know how to address any lingering issues regarding your father except to advise that you take advantage of the great (and FREE) counseling that the military offers (whether it is on post/base or via Military OneSource). I think those types of "issues" are better left to the experts.
When your DH is gone for school, training and deployment you are right, they only have to take care of themselves while you are still holding down the homefront. The question you have to ask yourself is: do you trust him? That is the number one thing that is going to help you in regards to being concerned with his absence. You need to be your own advocate...you need to get up and take care of yourself because absences like this will happen again, it is the military lifestyle. Start working on your support system. Go take ACS classes or find somewhere on post/base to volunteer. Go meet the other ladies going through this and you will realize that you are stronger than you think.
You said: "I have this bitterness about men who leave their families" just remember he didn't LEAVE you, he is doing his job.
Thanks so much for your response!
I have explained my baggage to my husband. A few times he's asked, "What have I ever done to make you worry about what I'm doing when you aren't there." And to that I answer "It's nothing you've ever done, it's what happened with my father. When he cheated on my mother he didn't just cheat and hurt her, he hurt all of us." So he understands that it's not he that is the problem, it's something else.
We've discussed it a few times. And he is willing to work with me. But I can only ask so much of him while he's gone. What my selfish self would really like is for him to not go to bars, out drinking at all (my father met the other woman at a bar). But I can't say that. He has agreed to keep it to a minimum. But he's gone out 3 times in the last 2 weeks (which isn't a lot, I know). But it still affects me. I just have a bitterness about it all. He's out having the time of his life in a vacation area (beaches, palm trees, colorful mixed drinks with umbrellas, etc) and I'm sitting at home nauseaous.
Thank you for your advice and thanks for relating to me. I don't know any other military mothers/wives.
I definitely think the first step is to talk to YH about how you're feeling. I'd say make sure he understands you're not angry with him, and not accusing him of doing what your father did. Maybe ask him to let you know ahead of time what nights/times he's going to be out partying and ask that he stick to them not because he's on curfew or something like that, but because it will ease your mind knowing that he's thinking of you. MH's been going out quite a bit lately too. I know it's not the same because he's not away anywhere. However, although it bothers me that he gets to go out drinking and partying and I can't, I remind myself that it's the last chance he really has to do this. He won't be going out after the DD is born and YH could be feeling the same way. As women, we become moms as soon as we find out we're pregnant because our behaviors have to change since we have to start taking care of our baby right away. Men don't "have to" become dads until their child's born. They don't see how their behavior affects their baby until then. It's definitely not fair, but that's the way it is. Also, I'd say it would be very helpful for you to talk to an expert about everything with your father. If YH knows you're doing this, I'd think he'd understand you're trying to become more comfortable with the situation and don't just expect him to do all the work.
Good luck!
Edit: It sounds like you're doing most of this and talking to YH about it all. It also sounds like he's very understanding so maybe just seeing a therapist could make the difference. I've been many times throughout my life to work out different issues and it's always been beneficial
Thank you for your response
Yes counseling is necessary with the past issues I've experienced with my father. I have two degrees in Psychology and I know I qualify for counseling and I am seriously considering it. I think it will be very beneficial for me to learn to process what happened with my father. I figured I would be able to handle it myself, but I think it's more of a problem than I originally realized.
I don't live anywhere near a military base. Since my husband left, I've moved back home with my parents to work for my father and eventually deliver the baby here. I didn't know anyone in the town we were living in so after my husband left, there was just no reason to stay there. Maybe I can use the Military OneSource for help.
Do I trust him: this question is complicated for me. Has he ever done anything to make me doubt his dedication to me? No way. He has never strayed, never flirted, never received shady texts/emails/phone calls. Never stayed out all night. Never been gone for an amount of time with no explanation as to where he was. He's never done anything to make me wonder. And he's never really had the oppurtunity. When we lived together, he would go to work then come home. A few times a month he'd meet his buddies for a beer or two at the bar near work, but was still home before 7pm, never a big deal.
The reason I'm hung up on this question is because I have seen how someone who loves their wife and family can screw things up when they get a little lonely and some pretty lady keeps telling them how handsome and great they are. People aren't perfect. Anyone can cheat if the circumstances are right. Some people will cheat at the drop of the hat, others would only cheat if it were a perfect storm (my fathers situation). Take into consideration seperation, financial troubles, a pretty woman who won't leave you alone, alcohol, and lonliness and even the most trustworthy people can screw up. It only takes a few minutes to do the deed and change everything forever.
But yes I need to stay busy and I am currently working on finding things to preoccupy my time.
Thank you for your input!
This. It's all part of life in the military.
Everyone else had great input, and I'd like to second the idea that you try counseling. One of my best friend's dealt with her dad cheating on her mom a couple years ago and counseling really helped her. It sounds like you already know this though, but I'm just throwing in my 2 cents.
As far as the "He's out having fun and I'm home" I'm not sure what advice I have for that. DH is not one of those who reverts to a bachelor and parties when he's away, but I know lots of wives have to deal with it. One of my friends was drunk dialed by her husband last weekend and after 14 phone calls in a row she'd had enough.
I think I am about to become very unpopular (not to say I ever was) but...
I totally disagree with this. It sounds like you are justifing cheating in a way yet you said you can't stand men who leave their families. I know people are not perfect but no matter how bad things are going in life, someone telling you how great you are does not make it okay to sleep with them. I think cheating is a lack of communication and/or willingness to communicate with their SO (in other words, not giving their all to their relationship and then 'blaming' it on the issues they were too lazy to address).
I know there are plenty of couples out there where one or the other has cheated and they worked it out, so I will not saying cheating is an end-all to every relationship; however, if this is your mindset it is no wonder you have anxiety about your husband being gone. I am sure this stems from your past and the fact that you are back living and working close to your father. IMHO this way of thinking can ruin a marriage. If you continue to think he could/may cheat if the situation was "the perfect storm" you will not survive many deployments. I am not trying to be mean, just honest.
I would never justify cheating. I was never trying to say that things going badly makes it "ok" to cheat. I was merely explaining the circumstances that can, and often do, lead to cheating. What I was saying in the excerpt above is that it doesn't take an terrible husband/wife to cheat. Sometimes all it takes is the right circumstance. Which could be a number of things and will vary from person to person. I think cheating is much more than a lack of communication. The reasons people cheat are wide and varied, and communication certainly isn't the only factor. That's much too simple.
Issues with communication seem to be the fallback reasoning for failed relationships. It's almost a cliche. And I'm sure it can explain quite a bit a problems, but it certainly isn't the sole culprit. Usually, people are very incapable of accurately explaining why they do the things they do. Mostly because people make decisions based on a wide variety of "little" reasons accompanied by one major reason.
Lets look at it this way: You may decide to go to the store on Wednesday because you're out of milk. Being out of milk is the main, obvious reason you're heading to the store. However, the weather was really nice that day which also subconsciously motivated you to go to the store on Wednesday rather than waiting until Thursday.
Or maybe on Wednesday it was raining and you decided not to go to the store. The rain is an obvious reason, but there is also another reason you don't want to go to the store: A month ago you hit a dog on the road that leads to the store and this has made driving the road to the store unpleasant, therefore discouraging you in your decision to go or not go to the store. Of course the decision to not go to the store was made because of the rain, but you may also not realize that, subconsciously, another reason was discouraging you also.
And for me, I would not want cheating to be an end-all. But it would change things so drastically between my husband and I that we might both be happier with other people and that could lead to divorce. The divorce would occurr not solely because of the act of cheating, but the inability to get things back the way they need to be. But this is all hypothetical. I have no idea how I would handle the situation because I've never experienced it before. Yes my father cheated on my mother, and I have some insight as to what emotions I would possess if my husband did it; but the situations are still so different that I really have no idea how I would feel or what I would do. Betrayal always casues irreparable damage to some degree. That degree of damage may be so severe that staying in the marriage isn't worth it. Who knows.
But yes, I think anyone in the right circumstance can cheat. Just like anyone in the right circumstance can kill another person. Some people can kill people easily for game (sociopaths), others would only kill another person in self defense, and yet still, even other people would not kill someone in mere defense of themselves but rather defense of a child. But all-in-all, I believe everyone is capable of killing another person if the situation is right.
I know that I could easily shoot a man in the head who was trying to rape my daughter; however, if the man were trying to rape me, I might only shoot him in the legs or shoulder. Many things are situational, not everything, but most things.
Anyways, thank you for the engaging discussion.
Please know that I am not trying to be mean or snarky. I recognize that our perseptions are based on personal experiences.
But I DO believe that your views on infidelity are extremely simplistic. Men who are away from their families are more apt to cheat - because they are leading a life of sigleness.
Even your follow-up asserts "it doesn't take an terrible husband/wife to cheat. Sometimes all it takes is the right circumstance."
But if you follow this assertation, then every single servicemember - currently there are 1,473,900 Active Duty service MEN and WOMEN and 1,458,500 Guard and Reserve servicemembers - are more apt to cheat just because they are separated.
And since you marred someone whose job, like the other Three Million servicemembers, will take him away from you on a pretty routine basis, you are going to have to deal with this.
Because having " this bitterness about men who leave their families, and it is making it really hard for me to handle my husband being gone." is going to ruin your marriage right quick.
I would suggest counseling IMMEDIATELY (since you are working your pregnant self into a sick tizzy). I would also suggest sitting down and asking your father for HIS truth behind his infidelity, since he is the root cause to your fears.
I think once you hear the whole truth and accept that there was more than just a separation that caused your parents' split, it will be easier to learn to trust your DH (because you do not trust him at all) and yourself.
I agree that you should seek some couseling. You need to get your mind out of the mindset that your husband is leaving you. He isn't leaving you. He is doing his job. Yes, he is going out and having some fun, but it doesn't have anything to do with him leaving you. Does he not deserve to have a little fun.
To tell the truth, I get a little jealous when J is TDY with they guys and the go out to dinner every night or to the bars on the weekends. All the while, I'm here at home taking care of 4 kids, cleaning house and being a shuttle for everyone that has to go to soccer, dance or baseball. J works hard. He deserves to have a little fun with the guys. I get to have girl's night or do something for myself when he gets back.
Anyway, talk to your H. Talk to your dad about the things that concern you. He may have a different POV for you. Talk to a professional. You don't want to pass these feelings on to your child. Like my grandma always said, "Happy mommies make happy babies." GL and prayers for you.
I agree with PP. I'm sending some prayers your way!
I am going to try to make sense here and then I give up:
You (OP) stated: I have two degrees in Psychology and I know I qualify for counseling and I am seriously considering it.
And you said: I addressed there were numerous reasons as to why my father cheated. The seperation, money troubles which lead to arguments, a woman who avidly pursued him, alcohol, loneliness, curiousity, ego, etc.
As someone well versed in psychology as well, please explain to me how these "reasons" cannot be put under the umbrella of communication? Separation - if you have good communication skills with your spouse these separations are merely physical, not emtotional/mental or any other way you want to slice it. Money troubles - we all know that money troubles are a leading cause of marriage, further your research and you will find that most of those marriages end because one or both parties HIDE or LIED about money and avoided COMMUNICATING about it all together. Alcohol - alcoholism is hard but aren't most alcoholics drinking to get away from something...you know instead of TALKING about it or seeking help...finding a way to communicate the REAL problem? Lonliness - no excuse ever but maybe he wouldn't be so lonley if he called and talked to his wife. Curiosity and ego might not be under the communication umbrella but if those are his reasons for cheating...there is the damn door. "I was just curious" what is he five?
I don't think I understand you at all....you make a post saying you "don't know how to handle this" and you get sound advice (which from your troubled past was to seek counseling) but anyone who gives you any advice/direction gets some form of justification in return.
On side note: when/if YH deploys keep in mind how you feel now about him going out....he may feel just as envious that you can go out for dinner or the movies, etc while he is stuck in the sand.
I'm going to have to jump in on this.
TexasCali, you have a very, very wide umbrella for communication.
You said: "Separation - if you have good communication skills with your spouse these separations are merely physical, not emtotional/mental or any other way you want to slice it."
Well, considering tons of research shows that one of the leading causes of male infidelity is physically/sexually driven, chatting on the phone just doesn't cut it. Sources:
https://www.infidelity-etc.com/index.php/10
Why Do Military Men Cheat: Purely For Sexual GratificationMilitary relationships and marriages are difficult for a couple to deal with at times such as long deployments. Some military men may be deployed for a year to even fifteen months at a time. As a result, military men cheat by seeking out other women and prostitutes purely to satisfy sexual gratification. https://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1741686/why_do_military_men_cheat_5_reasons.html?cat=41 Men are more physical than women and sex is the main reason why men cheat.
Read more: https://socyberty.com/relationships/reasons-for-infidelity-in-relationships/#ixzz0oRwqGVLW ... writes Dr Lusterman in Infidelity: A Survival Guide. ??women are more likely to link sex with love, while men?s involvements are more often primarily sexual.? Why men cheat may involve more physical reasons (not emotional).
Read more at Suite101: Causes of Marital Infidelity for Men and Women: How Relationship Problems Lead to Marital Affairs https://psychological-counselling.suite101.com/article.cfm/reasons_for_extramarital_affairs#ixzz0oRy82j00 The most frequently cited reasons for infidelity among men include: more sex (the desire for a more active sex life) sexual variety (a desire for different kinds of sex) opportunistic sex ( taking advantage of an opportunity to have sex without the fear of getting caught) to satisfy sexual curiosity (about a specific female) a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it?s a man?s prerogative to cheat) the ?thrill of the chase? the desire to feel important or special sexual addiction
You said: Money troubles - we all know that money troubles are a leading cause of marriage, further your research and you will find that most of those marriages end because one or both parties HIDE or LIED about money and avoided COMMUNICATING about it all together.
How does this relate to her parents? What makes you think her mother or father lied or hid their spending habits. Sounds to me like her parents were poor and that stressed them. I think her whole point was relationship problems can make cheating more likely and the main relationship problem her parents had was money.
Also, you can communicate all day about paying the mortgage, but that doesn't make it any easier to pay it when the money just isn't there. So in this situation, I don't see how a lack of communication is responsible.
You said: Alcohol - alcoholism is hard but aren't most alcoholics drinking to get away from something...you know instead of TALKING about it or seeking help...finding a way to communicate the REAL problem?
Alcoholism is a disease. Chatting about one's hurt feelings or problems with the bottle isn't going to make it go away. It is an addiction. So I don't see how communication in a marriage is going to help this problem.
You said: Lonliness - no excuse ever but maybe he wouldn't be so lonley if he called and talked to his wife.
Chatting on the phone =/= a fix for lonliness when a couple is separated for numerous months.
You said: and you get sound advice (which from your troubled past was to seek counseling) but anyone who gives you any advice/direction gets some form of justification in return
The OP blatantly agreed with pretty much every person who recommended counseling . She took the sound advice and agreed with it and she thanked people for responding. What is your issue?
You make very valid points and I can eat crow on most of these. My perspective comes from my work; I work very closely with Chaplains, MFLCs and other military counselors. They focus HUGELY on communication as the key to succssful military marriages. Due to the long and frequent separations, it is vital to have continous and open communication on all aspects of their lives. Perhaps my answer didn't apply to OPs parent's situation but I do believe it applies to her and her husband (don't misread, I am not saying they have these issues but rather that communication is the key to them surviving and her being able to "handle this").
While she agreed that she needed to get counseling, her responses still sounded to me as though she was trying to justify her anxiety that her husband may cheat. I probably took this to heart too much as I have seen way too many women convinced that ther spouse is cheating while they are away so they feel that makes the door open for them to do so as well. Sad part is, their spouse comes home and was faithful the whole time and she was really the one that screwed up. Again, I am not saying that this is what is/would occur with the OP, just explaining where my point of view comes from. I guess my natural instinct was to "defend" her H.
I wasn't trying to offend anyone, we all have differnt viewpoints based on our own life experiences.
Ok well now I understand where you're coming from. You're right, along with counseling, strong communication with her husband will help her to handle the separation.
Anyways, thanks for clarifying your reasoning behind your response. And yes I don't think she was justifying it (she did say she knew it was unhealthy and wrong), I think she was simply explaininng why she feels the way she does.
Oh and that's terrible that a woman would cheat on her husband as revenge without even knowing for sure if he cheated on her in the first place! If you deal with women making those mistakes so often, I can see why you'd want to do what you can to ensure another woman doesn't make such a foolish mistake.