This is my first time here

wheelsonthebus

I normally post on the SAHM board. DH and I have been having some problems and things are really going down hill. This was my most recent post, https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/36807017.aspx 

I'm at a point now where I've offered DH an ultimatum. I just don't know if I can follow through. We've been having issues with his alcoholism for a long time now. He's improved significantly, but he still take chances and drinks on his hour ride home from work. Up until today, he was working on a project with a friend and wasn't home a lot. Now that he's home, I admit I like having company, but I'm just so angry with him. I just don't know if I am brave enough to venture out on my own. I honestly feel stuck. I'm not happy now, but I just don't know if I have it in me to just leave this all behind. I love my house and my life, but I just really can't stand H's behavior and lies anymore. I'm sick of being the only one in the relationship being responsible. Anyone else on here leave a husband because of addiction? This is all so new to me and I've never visited this board until now. It comforts me to read the stories, knowing I'm not the only one struggling.

PrincessFiona9

I kicked BD out because of his alcoholism and drug addiction problems....feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

mrgn

It sounds like you are definitely doing the right thing. I've never been faced with an issue like this, but there are a few ladies here that probably will have great advice for you. It sounds like "rehab or get out" is a good route to take. You can do it on your own, but alcoholism is a mental and physical disease for everyone involved. If he's willing to get help, he will need your support (if you WANT to support him). If he's not, you don't have to take part in his life anymore.

I think you should start documenting these "risks" he is taking in case you do end up leaving him. This way you can have proof about his behavior when it comes time to talk custody. 

I really hope that your DH gets some help for his sake, and your LO's. Feel free to post here whenever. The ladies here provide a great support system.

blondnearby

I didn't personally leave my stbx because of alcoholism/addiction but my father was an alcoholic so I can give you insight from the point of view of a child. First off,  you and LO need to protect yourself.  Remove yourself from the situation immediately but tell your H that you want him to get help but can't keep making excuses for his drinking.  Tell him that if he is wiling to work on his drinking you are willing to work on the marriage.  You must act on it though.  As a child growing up, my mom tried to hide his alcoholism from me and others but I became aware of it regardless of how hard she tried.  It continued to get worse and worse and eventually drove a wedge into our family that will forever bare splinters.  You don't want LO growing up thinking his behavior is acceptable and because of that reason specifically you need to act on your unhappiness.  Alcoholics can be unpredictable and extremely unstable.  What if something were to happen to your LO while under the care of H?  Document everything you tell him and everything that happens.  Unfortunately my situation ended in the worst way, but hopefully there is still hope in yours.  

BostonGayGal

Alcoholism (in the form of periodic extreme binge drinking) was one of the reasons I left my first marriage.  I had worked so hard on the relationship and then there was nothing left.  I started be attracted to anyone who would pay me a bit of attention.  I begged for therapy.  I gave the ultimatum. There was a period of just BEING STUCK.  I cheated and made it so obvious; I wanted to get caught.  I hate that I hit that low.  I disgusted myself.  It is my biggest shame.

But I was out.  We proceeded with a divorce.  I can say a lot to rationalize what I did, but it was wrong.

Don't lose yourself as you go.  Don't give so much that there is nothing left.  Follow your gut. 

peeps61308

One of my biggest issues with my ex was his drinking. He didn't think it was a big deal, but I couldn't get past it. I asked him to quit, I offered to go to meetings with him, counseling, everything. He was not willing. I hated walking on eggshells in my own house. I finally decided that I was not happy and things were obviously were not going to change. In October I told him that I loved him, but I would do whatever was best for DD, and if that meant leaving him I would do it (in hopes that would be a wake-up call). Nothing changed, and in January I left. It was hard, but I don't regret my decision.

The drinking was only the tip of the iceburg as far as issues go, but it ended up being the deal breaker. I have so much more I want to say, but have a hard time getting all my thoughts together in a way that makes sense. PM me if you ever want to talk more. Good luck. 

wheelsonthebus

Thank you so much, ladies. It really feels like i've taken the first step to change things.

achase123

Just read the post.  He obviously has a problem.  The fact that he is not only driving under the influence-but drinking while driving is extremely scary.  It makes me angry to think of being on the road at the same time as someone like him.  If you do issue him an ultimatum, only do it if you are prepared to back it up 100%.  GL and keep us posted. 

DaringMiss

Even if you feel stuck at the moment, you should go to an Al-Anon meeting.  They are meetings for people whose lives have been affected by the drinking of others.  You certainly qualify.  They won't tell you how to get the alcoholic to stop drinking, but you will be in the room with others who have struggled with the same thing that you are facing now.  The meetings are free although people usually chip in a dollar or two to pay for the coffee.

https://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html