When to tell, sensitive SIL

rachelb823

We were thinking to tell everybody in a couple weeks or so, don't know how long I can keep a secret.  But I just realized it's my SIL's golden birthday on the 29th.  Long story short, they've been TTC for over 3 years and have been given no hope, it's a very sore subject.  If we blab before her birthday, I fear we will break her heart for her birthday.  Of course she will be happy for us, but you know what I mean.  Anyway, how long past her bday would you wait?  A week? I will be 10 weeks right after her birthday, last time we told at 8 weeks. BTW, they are the only local family we have.  We can't tell the others and not them, or it'd be worse.

AShoes10

I would for sure wait until after her birthday.  A week after should be ok...just be sensitive in how you announce to her.

Good luck, that's a tough situation.

ashleywebber

I think it is okay to share the news when you are ready.  I would just be sensitive about how you announce it.

TeacherVicky

:: Butting in ::

Just lurking and saw your post.

My sister announced to me that she was pg (approx 6 weeks along) about a week after I went through a m/c. As much as I knew that I was theoretically happy for her, my reaction was not good. I wished she had waited at least another 2-3 weeks to tell me.

I think waiting until after her birthday to tell her would be best.

:: Butting out ::

izzourclue

First, I think the fact that you are considering her feelings on this subject and putting off your annoucement till after her birthday is awesome.  A lot of people would not be that sensitive.  I think waiting a week is probably fine.  Maybe tell you SIL in private before you make the big announcement.  Gives her a chance to process the information and compose herself so she doesn't have a bad reaction in front of everyone.  Good luck!

rachelb823

Thanks for the support, ladies.  We will probably be telling her and her husband together, but the rest of the family is spread all over the state and country.  No "big group announcement," but we might send a card in the mail or something.  Not sure.

JulietL129

It's so sweet and thoughtful that you are being so considerate of her feelings! I think if I were you I would wait until after her bday... but I'm sure no matter what you decide- if you give it this much thought- you will handle it appropriately. She's lucky to have people around her who give her that support while she's going through a tough time- even if she may not see it :-)

kit.kat343

Oh no - that's just awful!  At 6 weeks, she could have certainly waited awhile to tell you!

Lissa832

If I was your SIL, I would want you to email me.  I would preface it with the fact that you are not trying to be impersonal, but you are trying to be sensitive and let her have time to have her own reaction without fear of hurting someone's feelings.  I would tell her first and tell her that you are announcing soon.  Give her a heads up so she can take a moment to have her reaction privately.

With my last pregnancy, we were going to tell DH's brother and SIL through email because they were recently told they had no chance at conceiving on their own.  I have now been through 4 m/c.  I don't want to hear it over the phone or in person.  I want someone to tell me through email or text so I can have my initial reaction privately and work up the effort to put my happy face on. 

AudgePaudge

I have a SIL who's in a similar situation.  I called to tell her over the weekend b/c I wanted to be sure she heard the news from me.  I went out of my way this time (and last time) to tell her first out of DH's family members so that she knows that I'm doing my best to be sensitive to her situation. 

Your SIL may not feel totally happy (it hurts when you find out someone can have something you can't have) but I do think she'll appreciate your consideration of her needs.  I would tell her shortly after her birthday so that she'll have time to process her feelings before she sees you again.

woollypetals

My Husband and I had been TTC for 12 months when my best friend told me she was pregnant with her second. (her 1st was 6 months at time). She told me in person in the middle of a store. I reacted calmly and told her congrats. But left as soon as I could and just broke down in my car.

It is so great that you are being sensitive about this and considering her feelings more than your excitement. I would definitely wait till after her birthday and I agree with some of the others above that a phone call or email would be best so she can digest it. That way she can show her joy for you in her own time and is not forced to be nice in person when she will probably just want to cry. 

 Good luck and congratulations.

olivia1173

I have been in your SIL's shoes and I would suggest telling her individually...not in a big group.  It always felt better to me to hear the news one on one so I could brace myself.  Either way she will be happy for you...I always was...the blow is less painful if you feel like your feelings were taken into consideration.

 

Good luck and congrats!

MrsBraun

Mrs.Bones:

I hope you see this!

I'm glad that you're being sensitive to your SIL. I would suggest NOT telling them face-to-face, in order to give them the time to deal with their emotions. Maybe over the phone or email, which although it sounds cold to do to family, I think this gives them space.

When I was TTC (thought not as long as your SIL), I hated hearing the news face to face b/c I had to act happy when I wasn't. Phone was easier b/c I could make an excuse and go, and email was easiest.

She really might not be happy for you in the way that you want, so please know that it's not b/c she doesn't love you, but b/c she's dealing with her own sadness and pain. It's good that you're being sensitive to this.

I would definitely agree! I made the mistake of telling my SIL before a family dinner (she had a m/c a few months previous and I found out after that she JUST had another one a few weeks before)...she swore at me and threw a chair, no joke. It was awful. She finally has come around in the last few weeks and we can talk normally again, but the whole fiasco has put such a strain on our relationship. GL to you, it's never an easy situation, that's for sure.

klregelm

i was in a similar boat as you but no bday issues!  my older brother and sil have been trying for yrs and i think they have given up at this point... my hubs and i weren't trying to get pregnant and so i was not looking forward to sharing the news with big brother.  So... I had our mom do it!  She told them we were expecting and that we knew they would be very excited for us but we felt a little uncertain about telling them b/c we know they had been trying for so long.  So then after a day or two Big Brother called and we celebrated over the phone! 

Idk if that would be the right way for you to do it but it worked out well for us.  Having mom tell them first gave them time to process their feelings over it and allowed them to be excited over it when they were ready instead of being forced into excitement over it.