Emotionally Unstable. (it's long, sorry)

bleja

So first for a little of my back ground. Since I was 16 I've had terrible cycles with cramps so severe that my parents have even taken me to the ER. I am also super prone to yeast infections (sometimes as many as 2 per cycle, but usually just one right before my period starts). I've consulted doctors- all of which have pretty much written it off as "normal for a woman my age" the closest I ever got to any answers is being diagnosed with PPS (painful period/pelvic syndrome), so I've done a lot of research on my own- which lead me to believe that maybe I just couldn't carry a pregnancy and that maybe some of those really bad periods were me miscarrying before I even knew I was prego. It also raised questions about infertillity, especially after I started dating my hubby and we threw out ALL forms of birthcontrol about nine months before the wedding. I had been tracking my cycles so I would know when I was late- but I wasn't tracking ovulation. We knew we we ready for a baby, just not financially so we planned to save the actual "trying" until we were a bit more stable. seven months after the wedding we still hadn't made a baby and I was now fully convinced that I was infertile or miscarrying- just not ready to face the news from a doctor. I stopped tracking my cycles and went on with life for the time.

Finally, just one month before our first wedding anniversary, I had a positive HPT. We were a mix of emotions, but mostly just excited and started making plans. Since I had stopped tracking my cycles I wasn't 100% sure about the date of my last period so the doctor scheduled me for an ultrasound a few days later to get a more accurate due date. I was supposed to be about 8 weeks at this time, but the baby only measured at about 6.5 weeks and they couldn't find a heart beat so the doctor ordered another ultra sound in one week to see the growth. He suggested that maybe I had miscalculated the date of my last period or ovulated late, but also said this could mean I was going to miscarry. My worst fear, that I couldn't have children on my own, was now being realized.

My husband really held it together for me, I was devastated at the thought of loosing the baby and went into a deep depression for a few days, luckily I was on vacation time for our anniversary so I didn't have to worry about work. When we went to to second ultrasound I was terrified by the news we would recieve. After the ultrasound my husband and I were taken to an exam room because the doctor wanted to talk to us. He said that the baby hadn't grown and we were definately going to miscarry and gave us the option of a D&C or letting it happen naturally. My husband and I both felt like letting nature take it's course was the best option. I was supposed to return to work that day and called out after crying on the phone to my supervisor. The next day I was sent home from work when I fell apart after only a half hour of being there. The next day I managed to hold myself together enough to get through my shift, despite the fact that I had started cramping. I even made it through half of the next day until I started to bleed and was sent home once again.

At this point, my doctor took me out of work for the next two weeks because of the pain and derpression. Finally after five days of bleeding I passed the baby at home. The next day I was so weak and still cramping so bad that I couldn't get back into bed after going to the bathroom so my husband took me to the ER. They told me it looked like I had passed all the tissue the night before and gave me more pain meds. I had severe pain the next two days and passed more tissue on the second day. Since then the bleeding has been more like a period and has been slowing down.

I am due to go back to work tomorrow, but I'm not sure I'm ready. Now that most of the physical pain has gone away the depression has really set in. I feel so hopeless. I haven't really been sleeping well because when I close my eyes the sadness overwhelms me and I start crying uncontrollably, and asking myself what we've done to deserve this. When I do finally fall asleep I'm plagued by vivid nightmares. I still have an appetite, but only remember to eat when I get so hungry that I get a head ache. I tried to run an errand by myself two days ago and almost got in three car accidents (all would have been completely my fault) because I'm so distracted. I want to go back to work and get back into my routine- be normal, but I'm worried about it. I'm a supervisor in a customer service environment- where the clientel isn't always very pleasant. What if I tell some one to shove it or something and loose my job?!

I feel like I should find a therapist or support group. But I've never been good at talking to therapists- so often they haven't gone through the same thing and thier help they try to give always seems so text book. I'm also not very good at opening up face to face with others, especially when I don't know people well. I feel like I've been relying on my husband too much. He's been great to me through this whole thing and I've never felt closer to him in all our years of friendship, dating and marriage. But, I know he's hurting too. I saw him cry for the first time after the doctor told us we had definately lost the baby. He's been so selfless and caring that it makes me feel selfish. I'm also not close to anyone that has been through this before so I feel so alone.

Having a history of depression that I can't control with antidepression meds because of the adverse reactions I've had to them; I've learned to deal with it on my own. But this is a level of pain I've never felt before so I don't know how to cope with it.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just didn't know where else to go.

bleja

Thank you. It helps just to hear someone say that.

I do want to find some help, I guess I'm just afraid to face it yet. It makes it so much more real.

sabrina&andy

I am so very sorry for your loss and everything you have to deal with on top of it. If you don't feel ready to go back to work, than maybe you should hold off, or see if you can come back for a few hours the first few days and see how it goes. I agree with the previous poster, you might consider checking out a local support group. Always know that you are not alone, your husband is there to help you, your doctor is there to help you, boards like this are always helpful. Big HUGS for you.

bleja

Just pouring my heart out has helped. I've been writting a journal at night when I can't sleep too, but I needed to vent to someone. Thank you.

elizabeth&james

I'm so sorry for your loss and the terrible sadness you are experiencing.

I agree w/ pp that considering counseling is a good first step. I had done some counseling several years back and didn't really think I was "good at it" or that I got much from it so I stopped. Almost like I didn't buy into it enough or let myself just go with it- so I didn't really think I was a counseling kind of person. But after this experience, I did seek out help again and although I have mixed reviews about some of the specifics, I do think that I'm feeling like I found some peace in some of what she had to offer. I hope you can find someone who specializes in women's health and/or grief counseling -- ask your OB for a recommendation.

My OB told me that some women do seek this kind of help; some women do not; more women should. She told me that there was nothing in the world I did to cause m/c and nothing I could have done to prevent it...also, so much of this post-m/c experience is a waiting game for time to pass,  your body and heart to start healing. She said this is one proactive step I can take towards the eventual healing of my heart and when she put it like that, I decided to give it another chance.

This board is a good place to vent and share- I hope you find some help here, too. Good luck tomorrow. Deep breaths.

bleja

elizabeth&james:

She told me that there was nothing in the world I did to cause m/c and nothing I could have done to prevent it...

I know it's not my fault, my doctor thinks I may have a septate uterus from my last ultrasound results. I'll be having some testing done after two cycles and before trying again. If this is the case, the procedure to fix it is fairly simple and raise my chances of a healthy full term pregnancy from 5-10% to 80-90%.

I'm trying to remain hopeful. I'm planning on going back to church too- something I've only done on holidays for the last 10 years or so. Thank you for your support.

jerriesgirl

The ladies have given you some great advice. Don't discount a pregnancy loss supper group. They know exactly how you feel. I am so sorry for your loss

myst33

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I agree with the pps about seeking out a support group; Of course, we are here for you too!

Jessicaanne_1@yahoo.com

I am so sorry for your loss. If you are concerned about your mental health and think you need to see a doctor please do that. This board has been a good place to talk about my feelings or just read how other people in similar  situations when I don't feel like talking. I have found a lot of support here, I hope you do too.

millejj1

Everything that all the pp's said hit the nail on the head. Take care of yourself, it's not your fault and don't be afraid to go to counseling. This board is AMAZING and has been a huge help to me. Feel free to come to us whenever you need to!

bleja

I am going to seek out professional help. I'm thinking maybe a grief therapist or someone that specializes in some form of loss. At the very least they will be able to give me a short term prescription for a sleeping aid or anxiety medication.

I don't really like taking stuff like that because all I want to do is sleep all day long- but I have to do something. I had another break down at bed time last night that kept me up for an extra two hours which was followed by more nightmares. But I can't be keeping myself up all night when sometimes I have to be to work at 7am.

Thanks again, everyone. You've all help me find a little clarity.