Adoption
has anyone adopted a baby with downs?
I ask because dh & i have just been told that ds will be born with downs syndrome and a heart defect. We have discussed the possibility of giving him to a family who is better suited to care for him. We just don't know that we're capable of giving him everything he needs to reach his highest potential and that's what we want for him.
Anyone have any resources for us where we can start to research it? We're in NYC and would want info on both open & closed adoption.
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Re: has anyone adopted a baby with downs?
I recommend lurking or talking to the women on the special needs board. Many of them can give you insight on raising a child with Downs, which could help you make a decision to choose a birth mother or to parent your son yourselves.
Correction: I meant to say choose a family since you are the birth mother. Both this board and the special needs board are super supportive. Let us know how we can help!
You should read this....
https://www.kellehampton.com/
Ditto. I know your choice is your own, but interestingly on topic, i met a woman last week with a Downs baby. Well, he is 4. The way she talked about him, gushed about him and showed photos was priceless. She also told me that she was tested negative for Downs. She also told me that the severity of each case is different, so keep that in mind with your decision.
Best of luck to you and lots of hugs.
I don't have any information, but wanted to say that I'm sorry you are faced with this tough decision and good luck with whatever you decide.
One of my husband's best friends has a sister with downs. She is probably around 20, and is such a sweet, fun girl. She is able and loves to work, and has a job at a casual restaurant plating food in the kitchen. She lives with her parents, but if they ever become unable to care for her (or if she just wants to be more independent from her parents), she is capable of living in a group home. She has been an amazing blessing to her entire family.
It's very possible, depending on the severity of the downs, that your DS won't require much more additional time and funds than a typical child. Definitely post on the special needs board if you haven't already.
I know there are adoption agencies that work specifically with downs babies, as I've seen a few listings online. I don't know remember the agency name(s), but an agency like that would be a good place to start. They may even offer counseling to birth moms to help decide if adoption is the right choice.
I totally agree about reading the blog someone suggested... especially this part on the first page
"I knew the minute I saw her that she had Down Syndrome and nobody else did. I held her and cried. Cried and panned the room to meet eyes with anyone that would tell me she didn't have it. I held her and looked at her like she wasn't my baby and tried to take it in. And all I can remember of these moments is her face. I will never forget my daughter in my arms, opening her eyes over and over...she locked eyes with mine and stared...bore holes into my soul.
Love me. Love me. I'm not what you expected, but oh, please love me."
**That last line says it all. you are stronger than you think, and these kids can make more progress and do better than you think. I have a genetic syndrome, too. Turner Syndrome. At the time i was born, not a ton was known about it. If my parents had found out I had before I was born, the doctor probably would have suggested abortion. But, today, here I am... A successful adult with a master's degree, working as a speech therapist with kids with special needs. I know the choice is yours, but just know that you can be stronger than you think you can.... good luck!!
My heart goes out to you, I can tell this is weighing really heavily on your heart. I think that what everyone has posted is true- every baby is different so they can't be defined by the DS, and you can probably handle more than you think and I am sure you will love your baby with all of your heart once you meet him.
But, you deserve to make a fully informed decision about what is right for you, your family and your son. I don't have any personal experience with adopting or making an adoption plan for a child with Down's syndrome, but I just wanted to chime in with some support- no matter what choice you make. Kelle Hampton's blog is gorgeous and very honest about her feelings.
For information about downs syndrome and adoption- this link looks like a good place to start:
https://www.dsagc.com/programs_adoption.asp
It seems like you are a very good mother- your daughter is gorgeous and looks happy and the fact that you are exploring all of the options to decide what will be best for your son shows a lot of strength.
I am so sorry that you are faced with this decision. I think it's great that you are trying to research your alternatives so that you can make an informed choice, whatever that may be.
My husband and I struggled with the decision of whether or not to consider a child with Down's Syndrome. We both have a special place in our hearts for individuals we know/have known with the syndrome, and would have loved to bring such a child into our family. Unfortunately, we are older first-time parents, and just didn't believe that we could guarantee that we'd be able to provide for the child throughout his/her entire life. We both talk about possibly doing respite for children with DS in the future.
I wish you the best with your choice. I can't imagine how terribly difficult it must be. You and your family be in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh my God, I have never seen this blog. I am literally in tears sitting at my desk at work. What a beautiful story.
First of all (((big hugs))). I can't imagine the pain you and your husband are going through knowing that you have a very painful decision to make no matter WHAT you decide to do.
Second, I would just call around the local adoption agenceys in your area they ALL should have someone there that can talk to you and help you make the best decision for your family.
I will be praying for you and your family during this hard time you are a good mommy for doing what is best for your family even if others don't see it like that. Hang in there!
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
I've been trying to restrain from posting, but here I am. Maybe I'm the only one bothered by this.... Can I ask whether this pregnancy was planned? Do you plan on having any more kids? Do you plan on getting pregnant again in the hopes that your next child will not have Downs?
I ask these because in my mind there's a difference between choosing adoption b/c you are not prepared/willing to be a parent or to parent any additional children and choosing not to parent one specific child. I'm having a hard time understanding the reasoning/morality behind giving up a specific, individual child because of health issues.
I am not being snarky, and I ask the next question sincerely--asking anyone to answer or explain this. If this pregnancy was planned and desired (and maybe I'm assuming to much that it was), how is this situation different from the adoptive mom who sent her child back to Russia?
Here is another what if question....
I have known more than one person who was told their child would have Downs and then when the baby was born, the child had no issues whatsoever. What if, by some small chance your child is born completely healthy, or has the heart defect, but not Downs? Will you choose to parent him then after you've already chosen an adoptive family that is waiting for him?
I will never know your reasons for not feeling like you can parent a child with Downs, but I do question if your desire is truly to have a "perfect" child.
I refrained from asking this question because I don't know the OP's story. It's also not my place to judge the reasons why someone chooses adoption (just as I wouldn't challenge a person's reason to parent or to abort--their life, their decision). However I too struggle with the idea of choosing adoption because of a specific child, rather than for any child. I can't relate to that and that's why I struggle with it.
I think the OP has received some very shocking news and I imagine she is coming to terms with having a child different that what she imagined. For her sake and the child's sake, I think it's acceptable for her to research all options.
Whether or not she chooses adoption, she will have a grieving period. This I can relate to. When I found out that I would be growing my family through adoption of my niece, I grieved for how I had always imagined growing my family. I grieved for not having the experience of pregnancy. I grieved for not being able enjoy my first baby for months or years before having a second. I grieved for the fact that my child may experience difficulties due to drug exposure. I eventually sought counseling to deal with my grief.
What I'm saying is that researching adoption may be one way for her to deal with her grief and anger, and IMO I think that's healthy. To OP, please make sure you seek some counseling while going through all of these emotions and making these difficult decisions. Also, I am probably making some real assumptions about OP based on my own experiences...I do not mean to put words in her mouth.
I understand what you are saying and I tried hard to phrase my post as un-offensively as possible, but I probably needed to try even harder. I agree that there is nothing wrong with looking into all options. I cannot put myself in the OP's shoes b/c I have never been through that process and I can only imagine how devastating her news was. But what I did keep thinking of was the situation with the adoptive mom who sent her son back to Russia. Most universally agreed that the mother had not researched the issues of raising a child with RAD (or whatever dx he may have had) and had not looked into using all available resources to help her son. Most who expressed an opinion agreed dissolving the adoption should have been a last resort after exhausting all other options. I believe there are many parallels here.
To the OP, I truly am sorry if my post caused you any pain. I do, however, think some of those questions are legitimate and should be addressed when your family has had a little more time to process the news you received.
Best of luck to you and your family.
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
Fredalina, true, but that's not where the parallel lies. When you adopt, you also take all kinds of classes to understand the risks that come along with adoption. You never know what kind of health issues may present themselves. It's comparable to the risks parents undertake when TTC. And like I said, I don't know if this was a planned pregnancy. It was a question I asked.
The mom who adopted from Russia took these risks upon herself. Parents TTC take similar risks--you never know what health or behavioral issues your child might have. It's an assumed risk.
I?ve never posted on this board, but will post and intro soon since DH and I are adopting from Korea.
First of all, to the original poster I am so sorry you are going through this. I can?t even imagine the things you must be feeling right now. I hope, whatever decision you make, you find peace.
People give up children for adoption because they don?t feel they can adequately care for them, yet they want what is best for them. I don?t think she?s any different just because she might be married and may have planned to have a child. She is the one who knows what she can and can?t handle. She?s the one who knows what resources she has to care for a Down?s child. Why does it matter that she isn?t a teenager who accidentally got pregnant? Why does it matter that she might go on to have other children? Plenty of birth parents go on to have other children at some point in their lives. Like a PP said, adoptive parents get to decide what things they can and can?t handle and make decisions accordingly.
She came here for support. I imagine placing a child for adoption is a gut-wrenching decision no matter what the circumstances. I would hate for her to think she?s being judged because she?s considering giving her child up for adoption and doesn?t fall in to the unwed teenage category.
I understand your position. Under the same reasoning, adoptive parents should be able to disrupt/dissolve their adoptions for any reason. No questions asked.
They may be legitimate questions...but it may be a little bold for you to be asking them of the OP. I'm missing the point at which it became your business to ask the questions and probe for them.
It is a message board--so you of course can do whatever you want--but every once in awhile you want to ask "Would I say that out loud?"
I've read your story on the Special Needs board. So you may know me from there.
We just started the process to adopt a baby, who has very severe special needs (deaf, blind, hadn't doubled birth weight at a year and a half). We knew some of the needs when we brought her into our family. Other major ones, like the fact that she needed stomach surgery (just got that) and needs brain surgery ASAP were new to us. As it stands right now, we think she has a rare genetic condition, we just have to find out which one.
I'm not sure how much was known, but either way. . .
When we made the decision to adopt this little girl, our decision was to help someone who needed to be helped, regardless of her circumstances. We've already had her for 8.5 weeks and the time has flown by. We are so in love with this little girl.
People ask us why we would "choose" to have a baby with special needs. Some of their questions are really harsh. We did not choose to have a baby because of her special needs. We chose to love a baby, another human being and the fact that she has special needs does not change that decision.
My final thought is an idea for you to meet some children with Down Syndrome, to go to a local support group meeting or a therapeutic program. If you decide to keep your son, knowing these resources and having the families you will meet to lean on will be invaluable to you once he's born. Either way, it will give you some insight into that unknown aspect of all you are facing. I can imagine that its the unknown that is the most scary.
I will not judge you, because I don't understand at all what you're going through on the other side of this story. I pray, though, that your family will find peace in whatever decision you make. There are people out there who will adopt a baby with Down Syndrome and happily call him theirs. I use to be a special education consultant and was privileged to meet some families who never thought they could handle being a parent to a child with special needs and have become the most amazing parents I know.
I hope some of this, will help you in some way. I'm thinking of you. Feel free to private message me anytime.