IL breakthrough

EMT

So ILs say they are going to try and come down to see DD's dance recital. I tell them we'd love to have them and I will just need to know if they are coming so I can buy tix for them. I know DD would love it if they came.

So, they ask me how much the tix are and if they can buy them at the door. I tell them what the tix cost and tell them that I was planning on buying the tix online (the venue is 30 minutes from me) and do not know if they can be purchased at the door. I tell her it would be good if we could order them together because the recital locale charges a per transaction fee so I will just need to know for sure if they are coming. So, MIL asks me again if the tix can be purchased at the door. 

By now, I'm annoyed...they are obviously planning on flying standby (BIL is a pilot) so they don't actually know if they are going to make it or not. Plane tickets are like 150 roundtrip right now from us to them and money is not an issue for them. I don't know the last time they've paid for a plane ticket to visit us and it always gets fouled up when they do standby (they don't arrive when they say they are etc. etc. including the time that MIL arrived the exact date and time of DS' 1st party and expected DH to be picking her up at the airport while the party started).

Why in the world won't they just buy tickets so they/we know for sure they will be coming?? Why is it acceptable for them to tell DD that they are coming to her recital (they haven't yet but they will) while asking me if they can purchase tickets at the door because they really don't know if they are going to make it because of the standby situation?

I actually emailed them myself today and said I would find out whether tix can be purchased at the door and asked them not to tell the kids they were coming if they were going to fly standby because DD would be very disappointed. This is huge for me. I never say anything to them and try to make DH do it. He never says what I want him to and they I get more mad. I felt I was nice about it but maybe now they will get the picture? It felt good to "stand up for myself (and the kids)" though!

 

 

gibs

It might "feel good" to "stand up for yourself" or whatever you called it, but your DH should be communicating these things to his own parents, not you, and I think you're getting a bit overly-excited about a preschooler's "dance recital."  But whatever. I hope they show up.  

Mickschick

I don't think that you are getting overly excited about a dance recital- especially if she asked you about it first.

And good for you for emailing them. I gave up on DH asking his father and stepmother for anything long ago. His brother and sister included. Anything that needs to be communicated for events/functions/holidays goes through me. Just easier that way.

KoriBrett

Having been in ballet as a kid, I know anything under the age of 5 is going to, most likely, be.. well, a mess on stage with some cute moments thrown in. ?I know she wants her grandparents there, but for me, I really would not expect people to fly in for this. ?

I agree they shouldn't have said they'd be there if they don't fully know for sure, that's crappy. ?The rest, meh. ?I'm sorry it's all blowing up.

firefightersgal

I say, "Go EMT!"  Good for you for standing up to them.  It's tough, I know.

kada626

I totally disagree that your DH should be the one to communicate with them. Your an adult, they are your in-laws and your kids. You should be able to speak your mind and let them know how you feel. Good for you.

ilovemygirls

I think the whole point here is that regardless of the 'event', she would just like to a) get confirmation if they are coming or not so she can plan and b) not have her child disappointed if they aren't coming.  I think it's great that you said something yourself- they're your kids too.  My bff has jerky IL's and after YEARS (like 20 years of dating & marriage) she finally stood up to them directly about an issue with their son.  I was so proud of her!!

EMT

I absolutely don't expect people to fly out for this. I extended the invite with the caveat that "I realize that this is very far for you guys". They said they wanted to come. My beef (my only beef) is when they say they are coming and then can't make it because the flghts are full. Not so much for me (although it's annoying to me too because clearly there is some prep involved when you expect the ILs to come stay with you) butmostly for DD because she's old enough to understand and be bummed. I personally think this recital is way overboard for a three year old. :)And I've tried just keeping it all to myself and/or trying to have DH talk to them and the message gets lost and I get possed and it festers. I think telling them, nicely, how I feel may just be the way to go. What if they never thought that DD could be disappointed if they didn't end up showing. I feel like at least communicating that to them is giving them the benefit of the doubt (that they just didn't think of that vs just being rude). We will see though!

gibs

Why not just tell your DD "they will try to come but there might not be seats on the airplane for them." ???

EMT

They tell the kids, not me. They talk to them on the webcam and will say things like "we are so excited to come see your dance recital".I will admit that it is annoying to ME too. Wouldn't you find it the least bit annoying that you prepare for people to comesl stay with you and then don't wind up making it, gibs? When we visit, they know when we are coming, when we are leaving etc. etc. (in fact we just spent 1000 to go visit over Xmas). It's just odd to me.

Temp108743750006959

I think you can let an older child 'learn their IL are unreliable' -- I think the lesson is really lost on a younger child. You are right to ask them not to say anything.

OK, so it's standby and they might not make it.  Find out about tickets and leave it at that. If they don't come, their loss.

I do agree with gibs somewhat. DH can deal with IL issues. Of course, you can communicate with them, etc. But if a deeper conversation needs to take place about their unreliability and its impact on your kids, I'd say that's DH's job.

DandR

I also agree with gibs and vccake that your DH should be handling the IL's if this is a big issue.  When it comes from you, it just makes you look like the crazy DIL.  But if your DH says it, then it might mean more.

Also---even if they have millions, if they want to save $150 by flying stand by, that's their perogative.  Who cares how much money they have, that's still a lot of money.

Finally--it is a preschool dance.  This isn't the state competition to whatever.  I understand not wanting  your DD to be disappointed.  But I think you are putting too much into this.

cristiana

I understand that this really isn't about the recital at all. The recital is just the latest example of this type of behavior. It's rude and annoying to make "maybe" plans and then expect EMT & family to drop everything when they do follow through. Not to mention that at Maddie's age, DD would have been very upset if her grandparents told her they would be visiting and ended up not showing. Heck, I still think she'd be disappointed now, and it sucks to learn that some of your favorite people are unreliable. I see nothing wrong with what you said to your MIL, EMT and it should be common sense to not get a young child's hopes up.

eclaires

I don't think it's a big deal to point out to the in laws that your daughter would be disappointed if they say they'll be there and then don't show up and then ask that they not say anything to her yet if they're doing the standby flight.  I'd say that to my in laws, and it wouldn't cause an issue.

Really, to me, it's simple - she's too young to understand the standby thing, and they shouldn't get her hopes up.  Jackson adores his grandparents, and now that we live far away, he is SO excited to see them when it happens.  He asks every day if that's the day we're seeing them if he knows it's coming up.  

I don't want to deal w/ the fallout if he is disappointed, and I shouldn't have to - so I'm with you, EMT. 

EMT

Not sure if some of you read my f/u's or not. I absolutely think this recital is overboard but does that mean I shouldn't let them know about it and let them come if they want? And I definitely disagree that us not being able to rely on when they are coming is none of my business. They stay at our house and we are expected to pick them up at the airport. This is not convenient for anyone but them andits not like they are hear every six weeks seeing the kids. It's been months for MIL and I don't even remember the last time FIL was here. Whatever you all can have your opinions not a huge deal but it felt good to me. I was very nice about it and I madeno mention of them being unreliable in general. I just said DD would be disappointed if they didn't end up making it.

Jodi&Joe

Hhmmmm, I feel pretty strongly about broken promises here.  Maybe because my mother was the QUEEN of broken promises and empty threats...IMO, broken promises are just as damaging as empty threats.  Both are disappointing for a child and I can tell you that it's one of the main reasons I don't respect my mom (as a mom anyway). 

I think what you said was fine, and deserved.  And I don't think it's always up to your husband to do the communicating with his parents....in this situation specifically, I think it's totally fine that you said something.

And lastly, I WISH my parents showed WAY more enthusiasm about things like preschool dance recitals than they did.  As a matter of fact, I can't imagine any adult saying "My parents were TOO enthusiastic about my events as a child!"  I think it's awesome to be excited, proud, etc.  Why should it hold any less value because it's preschool (and not, say, high school, for example)??

 

SumnerBride

I am actually excited for you on this one!  I'd high five you if you were here!!  I say it's about time you stood up for yourself and your kids in regards to the IL's.  I think they've been having their way with you and the family for too long.  And you weren't mean or up in their face about it.  You did it in a very nice way.

I'm just wondering...what did the H say about this??  Is he behind you on it, or does he think you're overreacting?

hopefulmom

I'm totally with you on this and I certainly would have communicated with the inlaws if my DH doesn't or doesn't say what I request he say and makes the situation worse.  They need to know that DD gets all excited about seeing them (not necessarily that they are coming the recital) and then for them not to show up...is confusing.  I do agree with GIBS though that you should just tell DD what she suggested...that they will make it if they can but not sure if they can get a plane to bring them.  I would say that even if they DO tell DD directly that they will be there.  Also, call about the tickets at the door thingy.  Sometimes they cost more at the door.  My DD never did the dance recital thing but I went to a friend's daughters recital.  They were older kids (11 and 13) and watching the little ones was fun/cute.  The tickets had to be purchased in advance...which I thought ridiculous.  Even after I got there I coudln't figure out why the advance tickets only.  There were hundreds of seats left!