WWYD (again) my SIL

jaime ma famille

In case you didn't read my post below, the long of the short of it was that my SIL is pregnant and we had to find out through Facebook.  We're not on bad terms with my brother AT ALL, and we're all flabergasted as to why they are treating us like this.

Anyway, I talked to my brother about how we want to handle buying presents for our kids from now on, because DH and I spent a lot of money on their kids for their birthdays and my brother and SIL completely ignored my DS's birthday two months ago.  I just said "I want things to be fair for everyone, so you just let me know how you guys want to handle this from now on."  They make almost three times as much money as DH and I, so it's not that they are struggling and can't afford to even send a card. 

So, my SIL posted on her facebook:  "I am so sick of people thinking that their little world is all that matters (ugh...in-laws!)"

What else annoyes the sh*t out of me is that I am always emailing her to say hi, I always comment on her pictures of my nieces that she posts, I try to call and check up on how they are doing at least once a week (they live pretty far away).  My SIL NEVER calls, emails, or comments on pictures I post of our children.  So, why is it that she thinks WE are acting so selfish? 

Jamaica_Bride

Have you ever has an open and frank conversation with your SIL about how you feel?

 

jaime ma famille

Yes, many times.  It gets nowhere.  She thinks she is the center of the universe, and I'm being completely serious.  I also think she is a very jealous person.  I notice that she hates me more and more when I talk about my son (she has all girls and tells everyone how much she wants a boy), when I talk about my friends (she doesn't have any girlfriends - I was her only bridesmaid at their wedding, seriously), or when I accomplish something great in my job - like when I was awarded teacher of the year (she doesn't have a job and isn't involved in anything productive - her kids go to school and/or daycare and she sits at home all day).

lattemama

Since she lives far away I would just let it go. It's her loss not yours. That's what I did with my SIL and life couldn't be better.

Jen2124

Well, what I *would do and what I *should do, are 2 diff things .

I would have a hard time not commenting or somehow responding to her FB comment. I would either make a snarky comment or say something to my brother. How does he respond when you talk to him about this stuff?

What I *should do is prob nothing......since the background you gave makes it pretty obvious nothing is going to change and that is just how she is.

eclaires

Ditto Jen.

She sounds horrible, no doubt, and I would want to tell her she was a horrible person, but it's probably not worth it.  It wouldn't go anywhere, since she obviously thinks she is the one who is right all the time.

My brother and SIL are similar and I just try to be civil and mostly ignore them.  A few years ago we got along better (our kids are pretty close in age), but my grandparents died 2 years ago, and a lot of things they did before they died (when we knew the end was near) and during the funeral, especially with how they treated my parents, were the end for me.  It still bothers me how they treated my dad (it was his parents who passed w/in days of each other), and I don't know how my dad forgave them.  So I'm just done, except for a sort of acquaintance-like relationship.

GettinNervous

I would definitely drop her on Facebook. Not block, totally drop. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said she wants a son. She can't get past it.

femmegem

Why on earth are you still FB friends with her?

DH and his sister had a huge falling out before DS was born. We finally went to visit them over the holidays this year because their dad is seriously ill and lives with BIL and SIL. We were all friendly, everything was fine, but I surely don't go out of my way to iclude them in our lives or be included in theirs. And they have a 5 year old and a DD who is one month younger than my DS.

Sometimes it's just not worth it, IMO.

However, if you want to keep a relationship with your brother, I would unfriend your SIL and communicate only with him. It's clear she's not going to change and this is all really bothering you, so stop letting it bother you and take yourself out of the situation.

That's just what I would do. GL with your decision.

Yodajo

Jen2124:

Well, what I *would do and what I *should do, are 2 diff things .

I would have a hard time not commenting or somehow responding to her FB comment. I would either make a snarky comment or say something to my brother. How does he respond when you talk to him about this stuff?

What I *should do is prob nothing......since the background you gave makes it pretty obvious nothing is going to change and that is just how she is.

Ditto this!

I would drop her on FB.  If I dropped her before commenting on her update, well, that depends on how mature I was feeling at the moment.

I would just communicate with the brother.  If she wants to grow up and be a part of your lives, then she can take the initiative to work on the relationship then.

shopgirl_07

Wow, she's got some issues to write that on Facebook knowing full well you'd see it.

Just stop trying with her. This is how she is and she isn't likely to change. And just send her kids birthday cards from now on too. They're not going to reciprocate how you'd like them too so I'd stop setting myself up for failure and resentment.

august282005

I'd have just responded "I know the feeling - at least we have a public forum to air the family's dirty laundry." and left it at that. 

femmegem

august282005:

I'd have just responded "I know the feeling - at least we have a public forum to air the family's dirty laundry." and left it at that. 

Now that's funny. But I still wouldn't say anything, and I speak from experience dealing with a crazy SIL who never lets anything drop. I made the mistake of trying to go head to head with her, and it was a no-win situation for me.

jettagurl

august282005:

I'd have just responded "I know the feeling - at least we have a public forum to air the family's dirty laundry." and left it at that. 

I'd totally do something like this.....I was thinking, "I know, huh?!?  We're terrible for wanting a relationship with XXX and his family.  Congrats on the pregnancy and you even had the decency to inform us, XXX's family, through FB."  

But, I'm a B like that.   And if my brother couldn't stand up for himself or for his family when his wife is treating his family like this, I'd have a few words for him as well. 

And I'd send nothing to them again.  No birthday cards or Christmas/Holiday cards, etc. Totally cut them out. You don't need that.  

kellilea

I think you have a brother problem.  Why is okay for his wife to treat his family like this and why does he participate in it?  I know he can't control what she writes on fb, but he didn't tell you about the pregnancy and he could have acknowledged your sons birthday on his own, he could have called to say thank you for the gift you sent.  I would probably quit initiating contact.  Be polite when you do have to speak to him but stop going out of your way to do so.  It sounds like no matter what you say, they are twisting it to fit the story they want to create.

As for the SIL, she sounds like a total asshat.  I'd want respond with "I know, in laws are the WORST!  Smooches!" but I would probably just dump her on fb.  I feel like she writes these things because she knows you'll see them.  Quit trying with her, she is not interested for whatever reason and it's giving her a power trip to treat you badly.  Don't give her the satisfaction.

GL.