And a few steps backwards...
sapphire angel
member
I saw my psychiatrist and therapist today and both mentioned that I seem worse today than before and I am a lot more easily upset and distracted. FI has an out of town job now and we'll only see him for about 7-10 days every 3-4 weeks. He's done well enough in his training so far that there is already talk about sending him out of state for his jobs which means we'll see him even less often but for slightly longer times. It's only been a week and Im miserable. We don't get to talk on the phone because they don't have service on the oil rigs or in the bunkhouse. The internet is not what we thought it would be so we haven't been able to video chat or even regular chat. The only thing I have kept up is making sure the bottles get washed and made again for DD. I am completely zombie-like when I get home with DD and have to force myself to interact with her. Which sort of has had a good outcome in that I've made sure to read her a book every night so far once I realized what I was doing. But I'm quickly finding that I want to skip over that by telling myself that she doesn't need that from me. I feel like I'm not doing enough for her now that I'm on my own but I know that she's going to have to be self entertained while I cook dinner which I haven't eaten in about a week or shower. It just feels like I'm cheating her out of quality time because I can't focus on her when I do interact with her. It seems to me like I can barely take care of myself so how am I supposed to take care of DD?So far I have kept up with her and she is clean, fed and happy but it seems like I'm a little more behind every evening. I also think that maybe I only ate regularly because FI was here watching over me and I'm obviously going to have to start doing that for myself.
I'm sad that we are having to increase my meds and that I need a sleeping pill to get even 6 hours of sleep at night. It seems like I won't ever be able to move past this and needing the meds. I'm afraid of experiencing the side effects all over again with the increased dosage. I miss FI and I can tell that DD notices he's gone also. I don't think she is sad over it per se but the few times we've talked on the phone she'll start cooing to him likes she's got so much to tell him about. I feel like DD is getting the short end of the stick in that I can't take as good care of her as I should be. There just doesn't seem to be anything worth being happy over right now...
Re: And a few steps backwards...
I'm sorry! I totally understand about not wanting to increase the meds but it sounds like its what you need.
Thats so hard with DH out so much. Is it truly worth it to have him gone so much if you and DD have to suffer from it? Is there a way he can move up/around and have him be around more?
I don't know what your schedule is like, but I would say to consider planning some time each day away from your DD. Find a sitter or a friend you can compensate and if they can watch her for 4-5 hours a day so you can sleep, do stuff, veg, whatever, I think it would really help.
I think 90% of my issues came from lack of sleep. Even 7 hours a night isn't enough for me. Once I was on meds it was very apparent that I was "running on fumes" a lot more than I should be and I nap a lot more now.
GL!
It's going to be worth it because financially we were not even able to live paycheck to paycheck now that LO is here and between the two of us we have about $13,000 in credit card debt and that's not counting student loans and a car loan. His pay during this initial training period is $100/day (it'll go up after that and up again if he leaves the state) and we've done the math and we can be out of credit card debt by next Christmas for sure, but probably in the summer time. He's going to have to send us money because my $1400 a month just isn't going to cover rent/daycare and utilities. That's not even counting formula, diapers, and food for me. Even if FI found a company closer to me, it would still have the same type of work schedules that send him out to the field for weeks at a time. If we stick this out just 2-3 years then everything is paid off (car, credit cards and student loans), he has a position within the company and job experience, and also he will have his masters degree from a university out there and a lot more job opportunities will be open to him. I will have either finished a Masters degree or be half way through a PhD (I haven't decided which yet - will probably depend on how this month goes and if I can handle it for 2-3 years or 4-5 years)
I work 8-5 Monday-Friday. I have found two MOPS groups to look into joining that will meet once every 2 weeks on Wednesday mornings so I think I will join one of those. My work is flexible enough to give me this time off with out any loss in pay/workload. I am relatively new to the area so don't know anyone I would trust with a newborn outside of daycare (family all live out of town but within a weekend visit). And my daycare contract says I will not hire any of their personnel for private babysitting jobs.
I have made sure that my errands get done on the way to get LO from daycare so I don't have to worry about carting her around with me and then her fussing because of a late bottle or being tired of running errands. But I do need to figure out some me time, I'm just not sure when to do it..or what to do either...I honestly can't remember what I used to do for pure enjoyment or fun since before going to college...
BIG hugs, sweetie.
Can you lean on family a bit more during this time? Could someone maybe come and stay with you for a bit while you work on recovering and feeling better?