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Austin Babies
two year old tantrums
Any recommendations for books to read about stubborn two year old girls? I'm at my wits end. Clara never has a tantrum in public or around friends, only at home around us. I suppose that's a blessing, but it's beginning to wear on all of us and the neighbors much think we're torturing her. I never had to deal with this with Julian--his tantrums lasted tops around 5 minutes and he grew out of them quickly. With Clara, HOURS. Last night we were up until 1 am with her. Anything can set her off. Last night it was many things--I turned off her lamp and she wanted too; there were no pull-ups that she wanted to wear, she couldn't get her pjs on and wouldn't let us help. She freezes in one spot and just screams and kicks. We've tried putting her in her room for time out, we've tried taking toys away when there's a tantrum. Nothing we're doing is working. Am I crazy in thinking that I should have a dr. look at her for this? She will just immediately go in a fit of rage and it will last hours. Then, for no reason, she will just snap out of it, and act completely normal like nothing ever happened. In fact, if you ask her about her tantrum she claims to not even remember it.
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Re: two year old tantrums
I don't think a 2 yr old can really understand time outs or taking away toys. What happens when you just leave her alone?
Layna is still only 18 months but she's getting into tantrums. I ignore it. I might sit down on the floor and watch her, and when she's done she will come sit on my lap. Or I might just walk away from her and do something else.
Our pediatrician said that when they're having a tantrum, their brain is shut down and they cannot be reasoned with at that time. He compared it to static on a television - nothing is coming in or going out at that moment. We're not dealing with two year old tantrums, just little baby ones, but he said the best thing to do is make sure they're in a safe place and let them have at it. He said we could try to be empathetic to his feelings (i.e.: "I know that you're angry you didn't get to turn your light out.") but that ultimately they might subside quicker if we ignore and then try to talk to him afterward.
If you're concerned, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking your pediatrician's advice.
Okay, I'm going to throw out what seems to help me with DD. Now, let me preface by saying she is not really stubborn and doesn't throw many fits. However, I have found a tactic that seems to help.
I have found the worse thing I can do at the onset of a fit is threaten time out or lost toys. That seems to make it worse. What works best for me is to empathize with her. Let her know I know she is angry and why. Once she realizes I am "hearing" her, she will usually start to calm down. Once she starts calming down I can usually soothe her and move forward. Sometimes though, to get her attention during the early stages of a fit, I have to get down on her level and respond to her as furiously as she is yelling. I have literally gotten down on my hands and knees and yelled "You are so mad mommy turned off the lamp." (using your example) She stops and looks at me with this look that says "you know what's wrong with me." I may have to repeat that several times but almost always I will get her attention.
If I try repeatedly to get her attention and can't make progress, at that time, I will leave her to throm her fit. I tell her I'm leaving and I tell her why. I tell her to come get me when she's ready. Typically she'll come get me in about 5 - 10 minutes.
The book/video I found helpful was The Happiest Toddler on the Block. I am not quite as over the top as he is but the techniques in general really seem to help DD.
Ok... that was really long and I don't know if it is very helpful. Those are the things that seem to work best for me though.
Ditto. HTOTB is really helpful in communicating with a child during a tantrum. I have been able to get DD's attention that way several times.
I handle it in a similar way, but I also try to get her to calm down before talking to me. Our word is "settle" and I will calmly try to get her to settle down and then we talk about it. It just depends on the situation as to what works best.
I do think it's completely normal for a 2 year old to freak the eff out over something like a light turning off. They like order at that age and they will let you know when you mess with it. We try to give a lot of warnings and choices to avoid tantrums (would you like to turn the light out or should I? We are going to bed in 5 minutes, etc.) And it is much, much worse when they are tired.
Parenting with Love and Logic is also really good and has a lot of info on tantrums. It's very different that HTOTB, though, so ended up picking and choosing methods from each book that I felt worked for us.