Feel like I could have fought more..

Sunflower730

4 weeks ago I was laying in a hospital bed. My water broke 3/23 at 5:30 am. Avery was born at 3:05 pm that day.

I had an ultrasound right after Avery was born to see what was going on. And there was Alex kicking away. Broke my heart knowing he was coming soon...

I begged them to help me keep him. He was kicking he was happy... 19 hours later I felt him still kicking me as they broke his water. I am so angry that they did it.. they in my mind killed him.. he was not ready to come out yet. But they said because Avery came he had to come too.. but why.. he was kicking he was still in his little bag of water he was moving.. his heart still beating strong..

I feel like I should have fough harder to convince them to let him stay, that he was not ready to come out. At least for 3-4 more days to make it to 24 weeks.

But they said cause my Cervix was open it could cause in infection and in the end it could kill me. Honestly.. witht he pain of losing them I would have gladly given my life to save his.

I don't understand why.. and it bothers me knowing that I could keep him, and knew that he didn't know what was happening to him, that he was not going to make it. Those 19 hours I begged, pleaded and prayed to God..

I'm so angry because I feel like I didn't fight hard enough.

*kendrick*

How heartbreaking. It is so easy to endlessly process all of the "what ifs" and I cannot even imagine what you are going through. While I think it part of the grieving process to have these questions, know that I have no doubt that you were a great mom and to your babies for as long as they were with you. You sound like an amazingly strong woman to me. <hugs>

eawebster

I hurt for you. I can't imagine going through what you did. You fought with all you could at that point, I know you did. I'm not a control freak by any means, but through this whole thing, one thing that has stuck constantly in the back of my mind is the fact I didn't have ANY control over what my body was doing. There was nothing I could do. I couldn't beg and pleas the doctor to stop. Please hold in your heart that you at least tried, and had the option to fight.

ej708

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I can't even imagine what you're going through.  I don't know you IRL, but I find myself thinking of your story often.  I am so so sorry about everything you're going through.  You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. 

Sunflower730

Thanks girls I am glad I can come here and vent.

betizzle73

I wanted to write something encouraging, but I don't think I could say anything better than the previous posters did! Just know you aren't alone. I still think about the "what ifs" of our situation pretty frequently. Also (i usually don't post religious thing but since you said that you prayed, i will this time, if you don't mind ) I know that we serve a faithful God, and he does everything for a purpose. I know that one of the cardinal things you don't say to a woman whose just lost her children is "everything happens for a reason", but I truly believe that there are no "what ifs" in his eyes... everything happened the way He wanted to. I don't know if that helps you or not, but its definitely something that I remind myself of daily, everytime I start to think about the what ifs.

tdumbeck

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I understand (somewhat) the pain you went through. I was in my second trimester when I had to have a D&C, 4 days after they told DH & I we lost our baby. I begged for another U/S when I went in for the procedure, but they wouldn't let me... I was praying that his hearbeat to come back. You didn't do anything wrong. I know the games your mind can play with you... you did everything you could and you shouldn't let anyone tell you different... my prayers are with you!

SassyMamainVA

I think it's only natural to second guess yourself.  But please know that you are a wonderful mother to your two angel babies.  You are incredibly strong and will get through this.  The memory and the pain will never go away but I hope it gets a little better each day.  (((Hugs))) 

Mrs.Albie

My heart hurts for you.  I'm so sorry that not only do you have to deal with the pain of lossing your precious babies, but you have to deal with these thoughts now, after the fact.  I'm sure that your doctors advised you for the best possible scenario for you and your baby.  You're a wonderful mother and you are here to be a wonderful mother to future babies.  If there is one thing that my loss has brought me, it is a greater love for the lives that make it to earth. 

magdalina.h

I play the "what if" game too and it sucks. They thought the cord was wrapped around his neck twice and that's why they rushed me to the or and then either it unwrapped once or was only wrapped one time. I keep thinking what if I would have asked to be kept on the monitors all night to give him at least one full round of the steroid shot. The plan was to keep me on hospital bedrest until 30-32 weeks, but because of the cord situation they got him out at 28.5 weeks.

Chicwed

i feel the same way.  i feel guilty that i didn't fight hard enough for our girls.  they told me the same thing, that my cervix was open and that we all could get a really bad infection.  i try not to think too much about it though b/c it just brings me too much pain.  we can't blame ourselves though.  i know that we had a really good team of doctors that knew what was best for us.  <<hugs>>

bgarson

My heart is breaking for you. Your post made me cry. The "what ifs" are the worst! I pray that you can find some sort of peace, even though at times it feels impossible.

Jessicaanne_1@yahoo.com

I am so sorry! This is NOT your fault.

jerriesgirl

I am totally with you.  I have questioned activities from the weekend prior to the (TMI alert) bowel movement I have the day before (did I push too hard).  Should I taken the extreme approach and let them turn me upside down to see if my water sac would gravite back through my cervix?  I surely could have done it if meant having Jillian still with me.  The doctors were saying I had almost zero chance of that happening though.

Should I have gone straight to another hospital for a second opinion instead of waiting the next morning to see the perinatalogist (and in turn the situation getting worse)?  I ask myself these questions everyday.  I know people say it's not my fault.  Sometimes I believe that and on others I take ownership because it was MY cervix that didn't stay closed.  This probably didn't make you feel better, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling the way that you do.