I think I need help :(

daniellejeanne35

I posted about this last night on Annie's 'Talk to me' post (thanks again, Annie!)

I'm going crazy. I'm now a SAHM. I love the time with her, but I can't handle it anymore. I'm a very social person, but the only socializing I've done, really, since she's been born is by Bumping.

DH has the daddy blues. He can't stand her when she's crying, and she cries a lot (colic). He says things to her that he regrets saying later. He can't get her to calm down, so he gives her to me. She calms down with me. They don't have a connection, yet. I think it's because I BF. She automatically has that connection with me. I love it, but it's making me insane.

I can't do anything because she always wants to be with me. I tried carriers, but she hates them. I end up sitting in the same position almost all day because she screams if I try to do something while holding her. I spend most of the day on the couch with my computer, phone, and remote next to me wearing sweats and a bra. It's just easier not to wear a shirt when she wants to eat ALL THE TIME. 

I need help. DH doesn't understand. He's jealous of me because I'm able to calm her down. I'm jealous of him because he's able to have some what of a life (granted, his life is school).  

AFWife1229

I feel the same way too sometimes. Although, DH doesn't have the daddy blues...he just plain doesn't help. He doesn't know how to calm her down or anything and doesn't seem to have an interest in learning. I'm not super social, seeing as we just moved here and I have no friends, but it would be nice to have a minute or two to myself to do something that I would like to do that isn't baby related. Keep bringing it up to DH, help him learn to calm her if he's willing to try. If possible, see if someone can watch LO for an hour or so to help you out. Good luck!

mandeline21

I don't have any advice or anythign helpful to say, but I'm sorry you're going through this.  And I have to tell you that your DD is beyond adorable!  The pic in your siggy reminds me of my DD.  Maybe that makes me a little biased?

ahill1889

My husband gets really frustrated when she cries a lot.  What I did was I had to go out for a little bit to get groceries, so I left her with him and enough BM to feed her and went out.  It just takes time to form a bond.  As long as he's willing to try to bond and work through the crying, let him deal with your LO a few times a day.

mjcleve

Sorry - this got long.

The first thing you need to do is just realize that this is all normal.  It's normal for the baby to be attached to you the first months of life and not be calmed by Dad.  It's normal for them to eat all the time.  Just realizing this with my second baby has made life so much easier and made me so much happier.

I highly recommend that you at least take a shower every morning.  I also get dressed (it might be sweats but a new outfit at least) and do my makeup every day.  It makes me feel that much more normal.  The days that I don't do this are the days that I feel crappy.  I do this even it means 5 minutes of DS whining (I do it at his happiest time of day or when he's napping) in his bouncer in the bathroom while I'm in the shower.

The second thing I do is turn off the TV and computer and do something.  Anything.  Now that it's nice out, we'll get out for walks.  Even if the LO doesn't like a carrier - you can just carry them around the block or something.  The fresh air will work miracles for you!  We also make trips to the mall/target/etc.  Again, you can carry them if you have to.

The third thing I do is try to accomplish at least one thing every day.  Laundry (even if it's just one load), dishes, clean at least one room, one page of scrapbooking, etc.  I'm fortunate in that DS loves the Moby - but it did take him a few times to warm up to it.  I recommend that you keep trying!

What I'm saying is try your hardest to get off the couch!  I'm to the point now where I have a dedicated TV/computer time which is nap time 12:00 - 2:00 for DS#1.  The rest of the day I am up and about and it makes a world of difference.

As for DH - again it sounds normal.  Try not to force it on him.  Let him hold her at a happy time of day even if only for a few minutes and take her back when she starts to cry.  He will start enjoying her a lot more when he's 6 months old, not breastfeeding alll the time, and interacting with you more.  That's just the truth whether us moms like it or not.

Good luck!  Keep your chin up - it gets so much easier and more fun with time.

Sawyerplus1

I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. No doubt having a new baby is a HUGE adjustment for anyone. All I can say is HANG IN THERE!! I think what you and DH are experiencing is normal and it will pass. The first few months are tough, no doubt, but they do get better. Be sure to keep communication between you and DH open and honest. After my first was born, DH and I had a hard time and we stopped communicating about how we felt, and it didn't help anything. I know you're BFing and it seems baby only calms down with you, but could you possibly pump some milk, find a babysitter (perhaps a family member), and go out for some 'you and DH' time? Even if it's just for a walk. You need to be sure to take care of yourself and your relationship with DH in order to properly take care of LO.?

I know this may not be a popular suggestion, and it wouldnt be my first choice for your case because things WILL get better, but if you're finding things too difficult maybe try switching to formula (or pumping) so that DH can share in the feeding/bonding experiences. This may also make it easier to get childcare so you can out, and perhaps will fill LO up more so she doesnt need to eat as often, and sleeps longer.

And, if you feel things aren't getting better, talk to a professional. There is no shame in post-partum blues or depression. Like I said, you have to take care of yourself!

Dont worry, it'll get better!?

trish051003

Do you have a mommies group?  That gave me such a social life after I had my first son and a lot more confidence in how to handle things.  My hospital had a BFing group (they also have a new mommy's group and some post pardum exercise groups).  It's a great way to meet people in the same situation and talk and get out of the house.  A few of us bonded and would go to BK together afterwards - then eventually we'd meet up at a park and walk - or get together at a house - it was such fun!

Shari 86

 Have you tried just getting outside the house everyday?? I find thats what keeps me sane. Even if its just going up to walmart to get diapers I will usually run into someone I know. Or just taking her outside for a walk (if its warm enough) I find the exercise feels good for me too. DD was colic but for whatever reason she loves the motion when she is in her car seat and it gives some me time even though she's still with me.  Even just getting dressed will make you feel better. 

 I hope you start to feel better soon and I hope your DH comes around and realizes how hard this has been on you.

 

southernbride2009

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. I was almost in the same position, i stayed in PJ's for about three weeks and it was a challenge just to get a shower somedays. I was an emotional wreck from being so tired my poor husband didnt know how to fix it he was constantly asking me if I was ok.  We eventually switched to formula so it would take some of the work off me and so that he could bond with him at feeding time.   I would talk with the dr  to see if there is anything you both can do to ease the situation. I know I may sound like a broken record..but i promise it will get better just hang in there.

murfygirl

This totally sounds like DS!

I have found DS does a lot better out of the house and it helps my sanity too! Even if it is just a walk around the corner or a trip to Target to browse! I would start trying to leave the house at least once a day! Do you have friends or family you could hang out with?

wombat 3

I hope that things improve for you.  I think my DH sometimes feels less connected as well.  Have you done any pumping?  You could have your DH give your LO a bottle of pumped BM and maybe he would feel a bit more connected.  I started doing that just last week.  My DH gives one bottle a day (about) and he seems to enjoy that time where the baby is totally content on his lap and looking at him.  Plus then there is the cute milk coma that follows. 

Another thing is that soon (for both of us) our LO will start to become more responsive to us by smiling and cooing.  I have to imagine that it will help strengthen connections.  

 

I wish you the best. 

Islandchick9

I'm sorry that you are so down. I can say that I understand. I left my job to be as SAHM as well and it was a very difficult decision. I worked in a school and was surrounded by people all the time. I loved the chatting, the gossip, the lunches out. I never thought I would miss it as much as I do. I really thought that the transition to SAHM would be easy. My thought process was "What could be so hard about staying home with a baby that I love?" But it is hard and isolating. None of my friends have babies. They are still going out and "living it up". I felt as though everyone I knew left me behind. I have very little in common with people I've known for years.

I know how you feel about the constant holding. My little one is the same way. He is most comfortable in my arms. He would sleep there for hours. I, like you, end up occupying the same space on the couch for hours. If I put him in his bouncy he wakes up in twenty minutes crying. I, of course, stop what I'm doing and pick him up once again. This is my daily routine. When he is awake I feel as though I should be giving him loads of mental stimulation. I read, sing, dance, and tell stories. All of this must occur in my arms because placing him on his playmat causes a meltdown. By the end of the day I am mentally and physically exhausted.

My husband tries really hard but the baby is not as connected to him. He is a very loud and rough and tumble kind of a guy. He hasn't gotten the hang of being gentle with the baby yet. My LO is formula fed so my husband has the opportunity to feed him. It takes a lot of urging to get him to do so. When he does feed the baby he's usually watching t.v. and not paying attention. I watch my son looking up into my husband's face trying to connect to his daddy and he is staring at the idiot box. Drives me crazy. Also, within five minutes of beginning to hold him my LO is in his bouncy or his swing and my husband is off doing something else. 

I makes sure that I get dressed everyday. Sometimes it takes awhile because I have to wait for my Boo-Boo Bear to fall asleep. I always feel better when I'm dressed. I hope things get better for you. I hope that hearing that you are not the only one struggling with this kind of thing helps.