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I just need to vent..not here quite yet..
I just kindof lurk on this board because I'm technically still with my BD..but I hope its okay if I just vent for a minute...
So, my BD and I worked together when we met. I had just broken off a 3 yr engagement (to our boss no less) because, well, really, I felt like I was too young to get married and I just wanted a break. My ex-fiance was the best ever as far as our relationship though. We always seemed to be on the same page and we just clicked. I really think he was the one I'm supposed to be with. You know what I mean? Anyways, I rebounded with this guy and got ku.
He had been an a-hole my entire pregnancy, and the only time I felt like we were anything more than room-mates who hated eachother was when I had Maddy and he was really sweet during the labor and my hospital stay but once we were back home he was back to his old self. We literally dont ever talk and if we do, we are fighting. He always says that I dont do anything, and he works all the time (um, okay, I used to do your same exact job and it was NOT that hard. at least he doesnt have a baby 24 hours a day.) I take classes online and take care of our baby/house. I just am at my wits end with him. I dont want Maddy to grow up with her parents hating eachother. He seems to think its normal for people to treat eachother like this and he says the only reason I want out is because I come from a "broken home".
Firstly, he doesnt know s*** about my past because he has never cared enough to talk about it. I know almost nothing about his past, he knows absolutely nothing about mine. He hates my family, and family is important to me. He is also very controlling. He wont let me try to get a job (even if I wanted to) because he thinks "women are wh****" um okay. He gets mad if I go anywhere, even if its to lunch with my mom. He sold his truck and drives mine so I cant leave. I mean, seriously?
I'm not used to being treated like this because my ex and I trusted eachother completely and talked about everything openly. Now that my ex is with my ex-bridesmaid-to be, BD throws that in my face all the time because he knows we still care about eachother. He wont let me come up to his work because he doesnt want me and X to see eachother.
He never wants to hold Maddy unless I make him, and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of trying to make it work, and I dont know how I'd be able to afford daycare for her if I left him and went back to work but I'm really at that point. What do you guys think? Should I try to stick it out? He said he wants me to stay (but I think thats because he has 3 other kids, with 2 other women, none of which he has custody or any rights to...and I'd hate to add another one to that but I'll do whats best for her, ya know?)..I just dont know what I'm going to do.
Thanks if you read all of that. lol I feel better now..
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I just need to vent..not here quite yet..
Kelly Monaghan's 5K - 5/15/11 - 3rd Place in AG
Walk the Talk 5K - 5/18/11 - 31:12 PR
Ridley Run 3.1 - 4/14/12 - 1st race of the year, 32:45
It sounds like he wouldn't be open to counseling, eh? I think it sounds pretty nuts to let things stay the way they are. It is pretty clear that you are not happy in your situation. You need to do what is best for you and DD.
"He seems to think its normal for people to treat eachother like this and he says the only reason I want out is because I come from a "broken home". "
I don't think coming from a broken home means you want to create that for your children... I come from a family that has experienced two divorces. The last thing I wanted was for my child to be put in that situation. I feel like I'm always tossing this quote around but, whether you like Dr. Phil or not, I think he's right about this one. He always says, "Kids would rather come from a broken home than live in one." I think you can agree with that statement, especially if you come from one.
It will be a lot better for you and DD in the long term if you rectify this situation now. So, if you believe there is nothing left or if there is nothing to salvage, then you should get out. From your post, it does not sound like you want to be in this relationship anymore. Never ever "stay for the child." It will not make it better.
I'm not encouraging you to leave unless that is what you want to do. I think it is important to weigh both sides of the situation before making a decision. It just sounds like you've already made the decision but you want someone to tell you it's okay. It's okay if it is what you want. It sounds like BD is controlling, rude, and all around a bad egg. From what I know of your situation, and the way you've described it, I would probably want out.
I know, you guys are so right. I know the sooner I get out, the better it will be. I think today I'm going to sit him down and talk to him about it. He wont listen but at least for my sake I can say I tried.
I could stay with my mom, but she has a tiny house she rents so she'd have to get a bigger place. She wouldnt mind, esp as she wants to move anyways. But, she is also his boss at work (um yes, my ex and mom are managers together...and he works under them) so that may complicate things. There's also the complication of him not having a truck anymore and thats really all he had when we got together. His dad left it to him before he died and he sold it to "provide" for us. I would feel really bad leaving him stranded.
I just feel like, sometimes he seems to really try..and he keeps saying that he's tired of me seeming so trapped. I do feel trapped, I'm not allowed to leave my own house for Gods sake! I just feel bad for running with the only child he sees out of the 4 he has. The other day I said something about "us" leaving and he was like "us? who are you taking with you?" Like I would leave my child with him. ugh. whatever. He cant take care of himself, much less my baby, who I EBF and who wont take a bottle. How would he even feed her? Those are the things I'm really worried about.
Those are big red flags. If I was in your situation I would be leaving him
So he has a whole slew of other kids he doesn't give a rats a$$ about and you honestly think your kid will be the one to make him change his ways? Don't take this the wrong way, but unless your kid is filling its diaper with solid gold, he will end up doing THE EXACT SAME THING to your child too. Move back in with your mom and start living YOUR life so you can give your child their best chance at a great childhood.
This. 110%
Exactly this. And like pp said, run far away. This relationship is only going to get worse. He is EXTREMELY emotionally abusive and you don't want your daughter to grow up around this and think that it is okay for a guy to do this to her. Staying with him is NOT what is best for her.
from the things you said it sounds like you know what you have to do. Maybe you are like me and you needed that final reason. Things went to sh*t in my marriage then they got a bit better and we were working on it then things went way past sh*t. But I still needed that final reason.... I guess I also needed time to wrap my head around the fact that my marriage was over.
It may take a while but you will know - in your heart - what you have to do.
I know, I know where it's leading and so does he. We talked last night and he asked what I wanted him to do. I told him he was an adult, he could figure it out. He said I could take him to work and go whereever I want to go, and he'll do whatever to make it work. I think he's just tired of losing his kids. I know it really bothers him, but he doesnt do anything about it. I bought a bunch of stuff for his 2 girls for Christmas and wrapped it all and we drove through the town where they live on the way to his moms and he wouldnt drop it off. I gave it to his mom and she did. He never said anything about it, just that he didnt want to deal with it. WTH. I'm going to make preperations but we have one last-ditch attempt this weekend out of town. If it doesnt work out, I think its probably about time. Its just easier said than done.
Only you can make the decision to stay or go. But my guess is you are already contemplating getting out if these are your thoughts. Many of us here didn't know how we would make it but we just did. He will be required to pay you some sort of support. There are also programs to help you get back on your feet. Can you live with your parents, friends, family?
I would personally recommend you at least start making a plan to get out. Save money in a separate account that he doesn't know about. Don't let him isolate you any more. He wants you to feel like you could never leave. That is just manipulation and control. Do what is best for YOU and your baby.
He's an abuser. Physical abuse, even the kind that kills women, ALWAYS starts out exactly like what he is already doing. This is textbook abusive and manipulative behavior - and I know, because I've been there, and have seen the exact same red flags that you are describing.
Please leave. Do you want your daughter in an abusive household, and to think that the way her dad treats you is how she should expect to be treated by men?
Your life is not just yours anymore - you need to protect your kid. This guy is a piece of trash, and you know it.
I hope to God that YOU know you can do better than a f*cker like this.
What could you possibly be getting out of this relationship?? Hope that someday possibly maybe having a chance at "fixing" him, and then he won't be a piece of crap? Yeah, that's worth living with. And it won't work - abusers DON'T change.
There are men ion the world who are good and who would NEVER take away your transportation so you can't go anywhere (classic telltale sign for future domestic violence), guilt you into staying with them, and ignore their other (!) children. Stop wasting time with this POS. He can't posisbly be offering you anything.