needs advice. please help!

tiffrnelson

My fiance and I have been engaged for almost 2 1/2 years now and will be getting married in 8 days. We have a 6 month old son who was born back in September. I suffered from post partum depression when I first had my son and somewhat still have it now. When I first had my son, I didn't feel that unbelievably strong connection you always see on those birthing shows and in the movies. I was always crying, felt as if my son hated me, and I even wanted to take him back to the hospital. I NEVER wanted to hurt my son or myself, but I knew something wasn't right and went to the doctor. I was only on medication for about 2 weeks, when my soon to be family came to town for my bridal shower, my fiance's bachelor party, and our engagement party. So I was still suffering from post partum depression, but was able to cope with it better than when I first had my son. There was a night while everyone was around taking pictures of all the cousins and someone dropped a camera almost hitting my son. I immediately went down by my son on the floor as soon as I figured out why everyone was freaking out and my son was screaming bloody murder. But here is the point I am getting at. Yesterday afternoon I was talking to my soon to be sister in law, because actions she was doing were hurting me and making me feel like crap. One example is she would always tell my other soon to be sister in law how great of a mother she was RIGHT INFRONT OF ME! So I said something to her the other day and she had said I don't think your a bad mom, blah blah blah, but she never said I think your a good mom either. So yesterday I brought it up again this time in person. And she brought up that one situation that happened 6 months ago and had said how many people were angry with me because I didn't do anything when the camera fell. I had said that I did and she said after a long time I did. So I am very unbelievably hurt right now. His immediate family is shunning me because I had post partum depression. I am hurt because I find this out 6 months later, everyone has been 2 faced to me, talking behind my back. and judging me and not supporting me. I don't know what to do. I should feel as if I am coming into a family who accepts me for me and I don't feel that. For the last 6 months every move I make has been judged. I didn't have a connection right away with my son. When he was a month old, I finally had that really really strong bond. He is my world and I would do anything for that little guy. I stay at home with him all day long and take care of my son. I had no support besides my fiance and my mom while I went through my post partum depression. Only judgement. I don't know what to do. I'm ready to say screw it and not talk to his family unless I really have to at like family get togethers. I swear everything I do, someone in the family has something to say or will switch something to where I said this. Someone help! I just need someone to talk to. Going through post partum depression has made me feel so alone and lied to.

ShariJenn

I'm sorry you are going through this .  I had the opposite problem to where no one was allowed to touch DS and I'd freak out if anyone came within 2 feet of him.  Because I was like that, DH's family thinks I have issues and his mother things I hate her becuase I won't let her leave a room with DS.  I have trust issues and PPD.  They don't mix well.  So, I told DH how I felt and I said can you mention to your mother what I'm going through and how it's affecting me, and I could really use as much support as needed.  He did talk to her, and she laid off our case.  However, his sisters are the same way and my sister in-law now has her own child and tries to make me see that she'll let everyone and their next door neighbor hold her newborn.

So, unfortunatly...if you don't experience this awful pain and suffering like what you're going through, no one will ever really understand.  It's sort of the same as a solider suffering with PTSD, people can say treahey understand and try to help, but they never really do.  It's frustrating, but all you can do is focus on getting better and to know that you don't need them and this will be forgotten about over the course of the next 18 years where you take care of your child probably better then anyone you or your inlaws know.  Who really cares what they think.  You know you're a great mother.

Smudges*Mom

I'm sorry for all that you're going through.  PPD sucks.  It took me a while to develop the bond that I have with my son.  It was such a terrible feeling to not have that when it seemed like I should.  Just thinking about it makes me feel bad. The good news is that you are feeling better and you do have that love and bond with your son! 

As for your FI's family. . . what does your FI say about what has been going on?  Is he aware that people were talking about you and what kind of mother you are?  What is his plan on dealing with the situation as it stands now?

Unfortunately, unless it is an extreme situation, when you marry your FI, you get his family too.  You can limit your contact with them (which may make the situation worse).  Personally, I would put on my BGP (Big Girl Panties), be polite and kind, but don't share more with them than you need to.  Do your best to not think or worry about what they say and think about you.  I know, MUCH easier said than done.  But really, what can you do?  These two women, in particular, are your son's aunts.

Again, I know it is hard to learn about what people have said, but I think that how your FI reacts and acts on your behalf says a lot.  If he knew about what they were saying and said or did nothing, I would be upset with him. 

I hope that you continue to feel better.  And, as long as you know that you are a good mother, that's what matters!

tiffrnelson

thanks for the advice! i am doing a lot better then i was on friday. i am now focusing directly on my son and my fiancee and those who really truly care about my family and i. if his want to talk their crap, then fine.. but i'm not taking part. i know i am great mother, my friends, my fiancee, my siblings, and my parents all know i am a great mother.. and your son has a cute name! my sons name is also bryce!! we picked it because we never really heard the name and absolutely love it! i am only talking to them when really nessessary.. they never really contact us, we always contact them.. so in a way shows how much they want to know how we and our son are doing (their grandchild, nephew, and godson).. which i find pathetic. so here is to a new begining of happiness and no worries!!!

tiffrnelson

thank you as well for the advice. i am going to be kind when i need to be, but if their is something that is said that makes me upset or if they tell me how to raise my son, i will put them in their place. i am feeling a lot better than what i was and will continue to. i know who truly loves us and cares about us. everyone else can just take their crap some where else. i told myself and my fiancee already that i don't care what they have to say. i shouldn't have to feel bad for the negative stuff they say behind my back, they should feel horrible and guilty for judging me and not supporting me or ask if i was okay. so i hope it comes back and bites them in the butt because all i have to say is they deserve it. ppd is not fun to go through especially with so much negativity. my fiancee and my mom have been my back bone through all the support. he is upset that they would even say stuff like that. but he finds it hard to say how they make him feel because they will just say something back at him and prove they are right and he is wrong. but maybe 1 day they will realize and stop being selfish and start being more supportive of those around them.