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Adoption
Open vs. Closed
I'm sure this has been discussed numerous times but I just want to know everyone's thoughts on the matter. I have found many articles on this subject and still just feel "open" tugging at me. However, DH is not committed to either one. He feels that "open", we would just be raising someone else's child instead of he/she being "ours". That may sound harsh but we are just trying to figure out what's best for both of us. I'm not completely opposed to "closed" but would rather my child grow up not having the "lost" feeling.
When it comes to open, do you always choose how open? What if the BM does not agree to how you want it or vice versa? Does that mean you aren't a good match?
Anyone have this issue with their spouse/partner?
TIA.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Open vs. Closed
We have an open adoption with Zoe's birthmother, but not her birthfather. (We hope someday that she'll be able to meet him and have contact, but we don't know if that will happen.)
I have written a lot about open adoption, it's impact on our families, and our recent visit with Zoe's birthmom on my blog. This is the link if you would like to read more: https://wendy-steve-andg3.blogspot.com/
When you adopt a child, the child is 'your child.' When you raise a child in an open adoption, the child is still your child. He/she is also the child of the birthparent, but you and your husband would be the ones raising your child and making all of the regular day-to-day decisions about your child. An open adoption is not a co-parenting type of situation. It means that you would have some form of communication -- letters, photos, phone calls, and/or emails. It might also mean that you have visits with your child's birthparents. You might even exchange personal information - last names, address, home phone, etc.
We chose "how open" we wanted -- we decided that as open as possible was in the best interest of our child. (This being said, we took a lot of things into account -- how the birthmother felt, if we felt "safe" with exchanging personal info with this particular person, etc.) We told our caseworker that depending on the situation, we would probably be open to a completely open adoption.
When choosing a profile and adoptive parents for her baby, my DD's birthmother chose us because we wanted an open adoption, were okay with some contact, and we had a lot of similar interests.
You need to be honest with the birthparents about how much openness you want in the relationship. I can only imagine the pain someone would feel if he/she agreed to an open adoption and then the adoptive parents did not keep up their end of the agreement.
Yes, I would say that most likely if you and the birthparents didn't agree on the amount of openness, then it's probably not a good match.
Right now, in our situation, I can't think of any drawbacks to having an open adoption. (Other than not having contact with Zoe's birthfather.) There are lots of positives, though -- Zoe will always know where she came from, she will know what her birthmother looks like/sounds like, she'll be able to ask her questions in person/over the phone or email, if we ever have a medical issue we can ask her birthmother if she's had the same issue, etc. The best thing is that her birthmother and her family visited us about 2 weeks ago and got to see in person that Zoe is healthy, happy, and very loved. I would think that that must really help with the healing process.
I know that every open adoption is different, but I just wanted to give you my opinion. I'm really happy that we chose this route.
Open adoption is not co-parenting by any means. I think a lot of people are afraid when they first start talking about it because they don't know exactly what it means. There are so many degrees of openess you can have.
I recommend reading Children of Open Adoption. It gives a nice overview of what openess means and also covers the different stages of child development and how openess vs closed adoption may impact your child at that stage.
I was in the same opinion as your husband at first. It's the number one reason why I initially wanted to do international adoption, because typically, there isn't much available regarding the birthparents. But, I really wanted a newborn, so I started educating myself about openess, and that really helped me realize that it's a better choice for the child, regardless of how I felt. Now, I'm all for it and my husband is on board too.
God luck! Hopefully after doing some research and reading your husband will come around.
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!
A great book for you and your husband to read would be Dear Birthmother -- it really helped us better understand all sides of an adoption and really yearn for an open adoption.
The reason we wanted an open adoption was for our daughter. We want her to have a sense of where she came from and to be able to decide for herself when she is old enough if she wants a relationship with her birthfamily. In the meantime, we are keeping that relationship alive and those lines of communication open.
Our adoption is 110% open with the birthmother and her family (birthfather is out of the picture, unfortunately). We know last names, addresses, see each other regularly, etc. It is not co-parenting by any means, T doesn't have any say in the way we raise Payton or parent her. She did have some requests when we were matched that we had to decide yes or no on before we moved forward -- and of course, we could have reneged, but we chose to honor her and did not. (They have nothing to do with parenting -- one was that she had to wear a University of Alabama t-shirt or onesie home from the hospital and the other was that we had to use the birthmother's middle name somewhere in her name, and we did so and gave her two middle names.)
Having said all that, he might never be comfortable with more and that's okay. If you want to email me at MrsB2007 at gmail dot com -- I will be happy to give you my blog and password. We are happy to talk with you about our adoption and if your husband has specific questions for an adoptive dad, I know my husband would be happy to talk with him via email.
(((HUGS))) Hang in there -- deciding your adoption path is one of the hardest parts of adoption!
I am truly sitting here with tears in my eyes! I can never thank you ladies enough for sharing with me! I truly believe even after reading your responses that is how we should go. I can't imagine having questions about my child's future/medical/personality any of that and not having someone to ask questions to. I know if I were a BM, I would definitely want to know how my child is being raised and that he/she is healthy and happy! I also feel that an open adoption BM cares more about her child and truly wants the best for them.
I guess my main way of thinking also is that most people tend to gravitate towards open and now I know why.
My DH's best friend and his twin are adopted. His best friend has searched high and low for his BM with no results. I would love to know how he feels on this point and might invite him over for dinner to talk about it. He might be able to break through to him as well with the thoughts coming from an adopted child.
MrsB2007--I will definitely take you up on that offer and you can expect an e-mail from mcmann238@aol.com. :-)
Thank you for the kindness!
It's rare to find a closed adoption these days. And the wait could be long.
Different agencies/firms deal with different levels of openness. Many have semi-open adoptions, meaning there are letters and pictures sent through the agency to the birthfamily, and possibly a meeting or 2 a year, but you don't know each other's last names or personal information. That is how our agency is set up at a minimum. The birthfamily and the adoptive family can choose to be more open if they wish.
With our agency, part of their strategy in matching adoptive family profiles with birthfamilies is to match up levels of openness. Because it's not going to work out if the adoptive family doesn't want to meet at all but the birthfamily wants 4 meetings a year. That way you have a lower risk of the parties not agreeing from the get-go.
I think your DH needs to educate himself more on what open adoption is. It's not co-parenting. And study after study has shown that open adoption is beneficial for all members of the triad.
ETA: We have a semi-open adoption. We met J and her mom at the hospital when we picked up Baby L, we send pictures and letters every month, and we were open to 2 meetings a year. The agency has a picnic every year, and many families use that time to have one of their GTGs. We are also starting a blog that J can visit anytime she wants and see how things are going. We love the fact that she can see how our daughter is growing up, and our daughter will know where she came from.
I just made the mistake of texting his best friend to see what his thoughts were and assuming I already knew! NOPE! He said "sealed, definitely...better that way!" Now, I'm afraid that will just freak DH out even more.
DH DEFINITELY needs to be educated more on open adoption, there is no if, and's or but's on that!
Most commonly you will find semi-open adoptions (not all or nothing) in which all addresses/private information is protected by the agency/lawyer and you send updates/letters/pictures to the birth parents through the agency/lawyer.
Hopefully you and your husband will attend more adoption education classes or seek out some so that you can fully understand this aspect and be on the same page.
Not all adopted children experience a 'lost' feeling. Not all adopted children will want to know about their birth parents. But, until our children are older/adults - we won't know which set of feelings our children will have. I feel like, as his parent, I have to do everything in power to retain, document and follow-through with regard to his birth family so that I can say ... I did everything I could to make sure that he has all the information/pieces.
Our adoption started closed, then was semi-open and after we met it became fairly open. We have exchanged all personal information with each other and we don't go through the agency any longer. We don't see each other or meet and there has been no discussion of it. His birth mother emails often and last night we had a yahoo text conversation. Through these conversations she gets to learn about how he is doing and I get the opportunity to ask questions about her, her family, her two daughters, and so forth (all of which I document for DS).
She will always be his mom, but that doesn't take away from me being his mom too. She will always have a need to know that he is okay (a mother's ping - I call it). We will always love her for loving him and giving us the greatest gift of parenting him.
I don't feel like we are raising someone else's child - I feel like someone else gave us the greatest gift of being able to raise him. That is an honor for which we will always be grateful.
Birth mother's often change their minds on the topic of open-semi-open-closed because it is so hard and emotional. Frequently open and semi-open adoptions end with you never hearing from the birth parents (I do find that sad, but for some of those birth parents - the healing is easier when not be involved).
You would have a harder time if you choose to only adopt in a closed situation. Most agencies/firms only operate under open/semi-open UNLESS the birth parents choose this option - which means, at least with our agency, that many agencies won't let you sign with them unless you are open to at least a semi-open arrangement in which communication is submitted through the agency/firm.
Good luck.
Thanks, I really appreciate all this information! It really means a lot that you all are taking the time to write to me. I am learning a lot.
DH and I are attending a seminar with a potential agency next weekend so a lot of what they consider "open" will come out. We will BOTH be able to ask questions, some of which I've already started writing down. ;-)
I just like to be somewhat informed before I go into any kind of session. I've done a few adoption seminars but they've all been for international so they are much different.
DH and I had another talk on this issue when he got home tonight. I think he's more ok with parts than others. He said he's completely not fazed by pictures and letters but is more intimidated by visits. He doesn't like the thought of a BM just dropping in. So, I think that's something we need to get cleared up with the agency so he can feel more at ease.
You've received wonderful advice from the other girls. My DH was very much like yours . . . the thought of visits made him nervous. Slowly, as we were educated, he started to see the benefits. It really wasn't until we met our son's birth mom and her family that we really felt 100% comfortable with an open adoption. We truly liked them from the first meeting! Now, our adoption is completely open and his birth grandma even babysits for us! This is an extreme case, but it is a wonderful relationship for us all. We are his parents and feel completely supported by their family.
We agreed early on to take open adoption one step at a time, but to always keep an open mind. We also agreed to keep the lines of discussion open and if we ever felt uncomfortable about anything, we'd talk about it. I was glad we did this because honestly, after we were matched, the focus was really on what the birth mom wanted . . . and if we were willing to go along.
Having said that, many people write up open adoption agreements. This is a written document of everyone's expectations. Your agency can help with this.
Finally, the last tidbit I'd pass on to your husband is to remember that life for your child's birth mom will go on. Q's birth mom is young, finishing up school, and very busy. Though she's still going through some greiving, she is working to rebuild her life. Just an ordinary girl--nothing scary. Univited visits have never happened, nor do I ever forsee that happening.
Keep us updated!!
Our agreement with Zoe's birthmom is that she (her birthmom) can ask for 2 visits a year. We are actually okay if it turns out to be more than that. But for her birthmom two may be what she can handle right now. I can understand your husband being intimidated by visits; we were very nervous right before our visit. But we quickly got over the nervousness and just enjoyed the visit itself. I took lots of pictures and video, so when Zoe is older she'll be able to see what that first visit was like. (I'm making copies for her birthmom, too.)
As far as her just dropping in, that hasn't happened in our case (and won't because of the distance is my guess.) But you would just need to be clear in what you're expectations are - that you would want it to be a scheduled visit.
Hope that helps. You can also email us at stevewendyadopt@comcast.net.
Hi! All of the ladies gave you such wonderful advice. We have an open adoption with our daughter's birthmom. We know each other's last names, addresses (not PO Boxes), we have a blog set up for her, we send pictures every 3 months, but I constantly email and post pictures on her blog. We text and call each other, a lot, sometimes a few times a week and at other times once a month. It just depends. We live in different states so visits are probably not going to happen often. We all agreed that when Shelby got older that it would be up to her if she wanted a visit. But if timing was right and we could set up a visit now, we probably would.
The adoption process is overwhelming. And throw in open adoption, building a relationship with the birth family, well, that can be quiet overwhelming too.
Like jacks said earlier, we truly won't know how our children will feel until they are older but for me, I want to be able to say, "I did all that I could."
I have several friends that are adoptees from closed adoptions. They are fine and none want to search out their birthparents.
But at least with open adoptions or semi open you have information available to them if they have a desire for it later in life.
You have to find what you and your husband are comfortable with. And also not to overpromise to a potential birthmom. Best wishes!
Visits with the birthfamily aren't just "dropping in", unless you have that sort of arrangement with a birthfamily. Ours will be scheduled, and we'll meet in a neutral location (ie, neither family's house).
I'm glad you'll be going to some seminars. I think you'll learn a lot.
We were not comfortable having a fully open adoption. We were ok with meeting the BM and exchanging pictures and letters through the agency. We didn't want visits, phone calls, or for anyone to know our address. She only knew our 1st names. Our adoption was a match after the baby was born and the BM chose not to meet us. We are sending pictures and a letter every 6 months and the agency is forwarding them to her. The BF on the birth certificate said he wanted pics. and letters too, but he is not around any more and they can't send them to him.
I don't feel selfish for not wanting a lot of contact. We discussed it when we started researching adoption and did what we felt comfortable doing.
I'm a child of an open adoption. My parents had a very open relationship with my BM while she was pregnant and for a short period after I was born. She opted to sever contact after about 9-12 months because the updates and photos were too painful for her to feel joy in her decision to have me be raised by other people.
I had the best parents anyone could have ever asked for. I always knew I was adopted and always had the support of my mom if I ever had the desire to find my BM. I think having the support of my mom was a key factor growing up. I never had that burning desire to meet her because I had amazing parents. My brother had a much more open relationship with his BM. We met up with her and her daughters a few times before she died. At the time, I was envious of his contact. Now, I realize he was a lot more confused about parental relationships growing up than I was. He's also a very confused person, so it is likely more situational with him than a global experience.
Fast forward to age 25... BM sent a letter to my parents address where they lived before I was born. Since they have moved a total of one block in 45 years, it arrived. Dad called me at work and I went over and picked it up. She and I corresponded via email, then phone, then met in person.
My BM and I have some very different views of each other, which complicates our relationship. She sees me as her daughter and herself as my MOM, but I see her as someone who cared for me while pregnant, then found a wonderful home to be raised by a mom and a dad. She was invited to my wedding but opted not to come because I requested she not refer to herself as my "mom." "BM" was a fine term, but historically she refused to use that term. She opted not to come.
My dad and I started having a strained relationship once I began a friendship with my BM. Because my mom had passed away, he started feeling like she was replacing my mom. BM, too, tried to fill that roll. Our relationship got better once I started communicating with him that I didn't feel like she was ever going to accept her into the "mom" role.
I think I'm thankful that my relationship with my BM didn't start until later in life. I think she would have loved to have heard more about me growing up, but I also think it would have made me a bit more emotionally confused. I have a clear line in definitions and relationships which I think would be a lot more blurry had I grown up seeing her yearly.
If DH and I end up on the road toward adoption, I would like a semi-open relationship. Ideally, we'd be in a lot of communication during pregnancy, then limited contact after birth. I don't mind being in contact with a BM, but I think I would rather not have my child in contact.
I only have a minute, but I really wanted to respond to this. I have not read all of the other answers, but I suspect you have received some great advice.
When DH and I started the adoption journey, we were dead set against open adoption. In fact, we were pursuing IA so that we didn't have to "deal with" birth parents. We were scared, uneducated and uninformed.
We ultimately ended up deciding that that DA was a better fit for us. We decided we could handle a semi-open agreement, and saw the benefits it would offer the child. To make a long story short, after months of training, reading, etc. we decided we were ok with an open adoption. However, we were "cautiously open", as our social worker put it. We didn't feel like we needed the agency to be invovled in every communication with the birth family, but we didn't want a "weekly sunday barbeque" type of relationship either. The agency knew our concerns about openness and would never have shown our profile to a BM that wanted to have frequent direct contact or frequent visits.
When we matched, we realized that we had been chosen by great people. We really hit it off with the birth family, and felt comfortable giving them our cell phone numbers at the end of the match meeting (which had previously agreed we would NOT do--lol). We met a few more times before birth, and then were together for the entire hospital experience (you can read my blog about that if you want). Now we send pictures once in a while via phone. BM and BF did come visit when DD turned one month old. Since we feel so comfortable with them, we had them come to our house--which we also swore we would never do. At no point has it felt like we are raising someone else's child. Nor have they ever acted like the parents. They are her biological parents, and they love her, but they respect our position as her parents now. They just want to know how she is doing.
Open adoption is definitely not for everybody. It can be a scary concept for sure. Just remember that open adoption is a relationship that can change and grow over time, just like any other relationship you have. Everyone's open adoption relationship is different. Good luck in whatever you decide. Just try to keep you mind and heart as open as you can. The right baby and birth family will find you, and the "right" type of relationship for you will likely come along with it.
We have a SUPER open adoption with DD's birthdad and I love it...in fact, DD's birthdad was at our house today for her family birthday party! She knows we're mommy and daddy, and although she sees him often enough that she knows him, like with other family members who we don't see that often, it takes her a while to warm up.
We have a mostly closed relationship with her birthmom, but we've met her birthmom's mom, so we have pictures of her birthmom and her family.
I definitely prefer the open relationship.
ETA: When we started the adoption process, we were firmly set on international adoption so that we wouldn't have to deal with b-parents. We were terrified about co-parenting and confusion...and then my enginerd hubby did some research. He found that children raised in open adoptions are statistically more well adjusted and do better in school than children raised in closed adoptions. With all of the research we did, it seemed better for our future children to know their roots...which is ultimately better for us. We switched to domestic adoption and haven't looked back.
Thank You all! I really enjoyed reading everyone's prospectives on different issues.
Do any of you have older children? What do your children call your BM or BF? First name? Aunt?
I was adopted and I gave my first child up for adoption. SO I know both ends of the spectrum.
From the parenting point of view, I gave my daughter up for adoption and we decided on a semi-open adoption. I recieve pictures and updates around holidays and birthdays. We went through an adoption attorney who we send letters and pictures to and she forwards them to the other party. This way, a sense of privacy is still in tact. I couldn't have asked for a greater blessing than to have found that adoptive family for my daughter. They are her family any way you cut it, but I have been lucky enough for them to let me be a part of their family to an extent.
Now, on the adoptee side. I was adopted at 2 weeks old. My family loves me as if I was their own. And I love them more than words can express. My interest in finding my birthparents has NOTHING to do with wanting to "find my 'real' parents." BUT, the interest will always be there. I have my 'real' parents. So you should know that one day, if your child wants to know about it's biological parents, do not feel un-loved. It is something that everyone who is not adopted takes for granted just to even know where you get your eyes from. Or your smile. Or whatever it may be. But I think every child deserves a chance to know their biological parents if it's possible. You just have to be smart in your decisions with how open you're willing to be with the biological parents. Good luck! And sorry this is so long. Hope it helps though!