::opens the can to vent:: i'm confused (m/c) — The Bump
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::opens the can to vent:: i'm confused (m/c)

I'm not saying someone who just m/c doesn't have every right in the world to be upset, sad, and/or every other emotion in the book.

I'm honestly confused how someone I know considered her BFP as a "parasite in my body living off of me" from the beginning. Then (unfortunately) she m/c the story became "It's so hard to have a dead child in your body for days before they operate".

1) How do you refer to a baby as a parasite? 2) I can't 100% feel bad for you because you referred to this child as a parasite for so long!

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Re: ::opens the can to vent:: i'm confused (m/c)

  • I lovingly refer to Peanut as a parasite quite often.
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  • Sounds like that individual is/was NOT ready to be a parent.  

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  • image KhloesMom:

    Sounds like that individual is/was NOT ready to be a parent.  

    that's the other part of the whole thing... I think it was more about her than wanting a child. At a holiday gathering she had the balls to say, "So is this why you had a baby, so you could get all the attention?" SERIOUSLY?!?! If you have kids, you know, you are at the bottom of the pile... everything is all about the kids and you are often overlooked. 2 months later she got her BFP, ugh!

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  • 1. I can see how someone would say a baby is a parasite, in fact I joked about it being so before I got PG and my husband and I still joke around about it.

    2. I can not even fathom what it would be like to have my child dead inside of me while waiting for a D&C or natural MC.  I can feel 100% sorry for anyone who has to deal with a loss and I seriously question someone who can't. You should be ashamed for posting this, it was quite insensitive.

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  • image Milliways:

    1. I can see how someone would say a baby is a parasite, in fact I joked about it being so before I got PG and my husband and I still joke around about it.

    2. I can not even fathom what it would be like to have my child dead inside of me while waiting for a D&C or natural MC.  I can feel 100% sorry for anyone who has to deal with a loss and I seriously question someone who can't. You should be ashamed for posting this, it was quite insensitive.

    I completely agree with both of these statements.

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  • don't get me wrong, I feel awful for the loss..

    I just don't like the choice of words, and how an event changes what "it" really is/was.

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  • LCB34LCB34
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    image piecesofflare:
    I don't think we can judge the emotions or reactions of people who have experienced loss.

    Totally agree.

    She may have not been ready to have a baby when she found out about her pregnancy and made her initial comment.  But, pregnancy has a way of softening people's hearts and having their "momma bear" instincts kick in full force. 

    Judging how someone feels while going through a miscarriage, no matter what their initial reaction to pregnancy was, is just about as low as it gets.

     

  • image piecesofflare:
    image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    don't get me wrong, I feel awful for the loss..

    I just don't like the choice of words, and how an event changes what "it" really is/was.

    It's not for you to like.  Her baby died.

    point taken.

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  •  

    This is the definition...I think a fetus meets this description... 

    parasite (an animal or plant that lives in or on a host (another animal or plant); it obtains nourishment from the host without benefiting or killing the host)

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  • image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    I'm not saying someone who just m/c doesn't have every right in the world to be upset, sad, and/or every other emotion in the book.

    I'm honestly confused how someone I know considered her BFP as a "parasite in my body living off of me" from the beginning. Then (unfortunately) she m/c the story became "It's so hard to have a dead child in your body for days before they operate".

    1) How do you refer to a baby as a parasite? 2) I can't 100% feel bad for you because you referred to this child as a parasite for so long!

    I'm so glad I don't have a friend like you!  

  • image Dreamsicle23:

     

    This is the definition...I think a fetus meets this description... 

    parasite (an animal or plant that lives in or on a host (another animal or plant); it obtains nourishment from the host without benefiting or killing the host)

    I was going to post the definition too!

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  • image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    don't get me wrong, I feel awful for the loss..

    I just don't like the choice of words, and how an event changes what "it" really is/was.

    It was her parasite and it died and she had to carry on for days knowing that what was once alive inside of her was now dead.

    It was her baby and it died and she had to carry on for days knowing that what was once alive inside of her was now dead. 

    Nope,  either way I say it breaks my heart, scares me to death, and makes me pray for strangers everytime I hear of someones loss.

     

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  • image saturdaynightdoubletree:
    image piecesofflare:
    image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    don't get me wrong, I feel awful for the loss..

    I just don't like the choice of words, and how an event changes what "it" really is/was.

    It's not for you to like.  Her baby died.

    point taken.

     

    I have to agree with POF, but I think it's awesome that you were willing to vent about something that there is really no PC way to vent about, but it's even better that you actually hear other people when they have opposing views and take them into consideration. Not very many people actually bother to do that.


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  • image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    don't get me wrong, I feel awful for the loss..

    I just don't like the choice of words, and how an event changes what "it" really is/was.

    I think that any woman who has a m/c, including myself, has the absolute right to use any words to describe her situation and feelings. How dare you judge someone for that. I hope you never have to experience a loss like that.

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  • I know most of you would have liked me to keep that to myself, or not think that way. It was on my mind, it's off, thanks for letting me vent, and sorry if I offended anyone.

    p.s. I know the definition of a parasite... I get it. Personally I would never call something I loved a parasite, even if it technically was one.

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  • image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    I know most of you would have liked me to keep that to myself, or not think that way. It was on my mind, it's off, thanks for letting me vent, and sorry if I offended anyone.

    p.s. I know the definition of a parasite... I get it. Personally I would never call something I loved a parasite, even if it technically was one.

    I don't get how you are coming down on someone's verbiage when they had a miscarriage but you're standing on a moral high horse about not calling your child a parasite.

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  • image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    I know most of you would have liked me to keep that to myself, or not think that way. It was on my mind, it's off, thanks for letting me vent, and sorry if I offended anyone.

    p.s. I know the definition of a parasite... I get it. Personally I would never call something I loved a parasite, even if it technically was one.

    there are definitely things better kept to yourself, especially considering there are many many women here who have experienced loss.

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  • image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    p.s. I know the definition of a parasite... I get it. Personally I would never call something I loved a parasite, even if it technically was one.

    Just because you say it is a parasite, doesn't mean you don't love it.

    I called DS my little leach. That doesn't mean I didn't love him with my whole heart.  I also called my last baby a leach. Then I slowly lost the baby and used a lot more words to describe how I felt in that situation. 

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  • I called my baby (who didn't even technically exist) a parasite both before and after the m/c.  I also refer to this baby as a parasite.  I plan on referring to it as a parasite for many many many years.  I've also used (plan on using) the words:  pet with thumbs, crotch fruit, nipple nosher, milk breath, crumb gobbler, pants crapper and although it's not my cup of tea, i still laugh when someone calls a baby a f*ck trophy. (For the record, I also laugh when someone asks what brand of baby, hamburger or hotdog, innie or outie)

    She's not calling your baby a parasite.  Way to put yourself out there (i'm a boat rocker myself), but :shrugs:  she's not calling your kid that, let her grieve her own way, eh? 

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  • When people say that, it is a joke.  Babies are very much like parasites.  Their entire survival is dependent on the mother, much like the parasite/host relationship.  I've heard it many times.  It's a freakin' joke.  Have a sense of humor. 

    If I were your friend, I wouldn't want to be friends with you anymore.  What if she had said, "OMG I'm pregnant.  How am I going to do this?  I'm not ready."  Would you still not feel sorry for her because she was upset when getting a BFP?  Go through a m/c, and then judge someone on their feelings, no matter what they said in the past.  It is devastating.  The last thing she needs is a person like you.

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  • image nic326:
    image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    I know most of you would have liked me to keep that to myself, or not think that way. It was on my mind, it's off, thanks for letting me vent, and sorry if I offended anyone.

    p.s. I know the definition of a parasite... I get it. Personally I would never call something I loved a parasite, even if it technically was one.

    there are definitely things better kept to yourself, especially considering there are many many women here who have experienced loss.

    I agree, and I apologized if I offended anyone. I did my best to title this in a way that if you opened you would be prepared for what was inside.

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  • image nic326:
    image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    don't get me wrong, I feel awful for the loss..

    I just don't like the choice of words, and how an event changes what "it" really is/was.

    I think that any woman who has a m/c, including myself, has the absolute right to use any words to describe her situation and feelings. How dare you judge someone for that. I hope you never have to experience a loss like that.

    I opened this post several times. Because I had nothing nice to say to you, I was unable to respnd.  But this is exactly what I would have liked to say in a very kind way...

  • I think you opened a can alright. Have you ever experienced a loss? Sounds to me like you are judging not venting. Why don't you give her a call and see if you can do anything for her. Maybe bring food or something thoughtful. Instead of trying to bash her. Just a thought.
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  • image saturdaynightdoubletree:
    image nic326:
    image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    I know most of you would have liked me to keep that to myself, or not think that way. It was on my mind, it's off, thanks for letting me vent, and sorry if I offended anyone.

    p.s. I know the definition of a parasite... I get it. Personally I would never call something I loved a parasite, even if it technically was one.

    there are definitely things better kept to yourself, especially considering there are many many women here who have experienced loss.

    I agree, and I apologized if I offended anyone. I did my best to title this in a way that if you opened you would be prepared for what was inside.

    huge FAIL

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  • image piecesofflare:
    image ChrissieW3:
    image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    I know most of you would have liked me to keep that to myself, or not think that way. It was on my mind, it's off, thanks for letting me vent, and sorry if I offended anyone.

    p.s. I know the definition of a parasite... I get it. Personally I would never call something I loved a parasite, even if it technically was one.

    I don't get how you are coming down on someone's verbiage when they had a miscarriage but you're standing on a moral high horse about not calling your child a parasite.

    This.  Personally I would never judge a woman's reaction to her miscarriage.

    But I guess that's the difference.  You're hung up on a word and I'm hung up on how devastating that must have been for her.  Different views, I suppose.

    ITA.

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  • You don't know me or the situations I've been through... so there is a lot of judging going on.

    For the record her "parasite" was never a joke in conversation... I get that things change, and it's an awful thing to experience. I guess it's more her character I have a conflict with than the phrase, but that's a whole other story.

    I'll say it one last time -- sorry if I offended you. That's it, I'm going to bed.


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  • As someone who walked around for a month thinking my baby was fine, and in fact was dead, and then had to live for three days knowing the baby had passed while waiting for my D&C, I can tell you that without a doubt, that your statement is not only ridiculous, it's offensive. Losing a baby, no matter how short a time you hold on to them, is heartbreaking, and shocking, and a million things I hope you never have to experience, but only through that experience can you begin to understand.

    I loved my baby with all my heart. People say dumb things, does that mean they aren't ready to be a parent, or that they don't love their child? Of course not, that is ridiculous and you know it.

    I hope for your friends sake you didn't "vent" this garbage to her. The only thing appropriate for you to say is "I'm sorry for your loss".

     

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  • image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    You don't know me or the situations I've been through... so there is a lot of judging going on.

    For the record her "parasite" was never a joke in conversation... I get that things change, and it's an awful thing to experience. I guess it's more her character I have a conflict with than the phrase, but that's a whole other story.

    I'll say it one last time -- sorry if I offended you. That's it, I'm going to bed.


    Really?

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  • It is a very hard thing to handle having something you love die and then having to carry it inside your body. Imagine having to carry a loved one who has passed around with you for days/weeks.

    It makes the grieving process even more difficult.

    For the record, I still call our baby girl a parasite. DH calls her my nutrient monster. We still love her to pieces.


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  • image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    You don't know me or the situations I've been through... so there is a lot of judging going on.

    For the record her "parasite" was never a joke in conversation... I get that things change, and it's an awful thing to experience. I guess it's more her character I have a conflict with than the phrase, but that's a whole other story.

    I'll say it one last time -- sorry if I offended you. That's it, I'm going to bed.


    There certainly is, by you

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  • image saturdaynightdoubletree:

    You don't know me or the situations I've been through... so there is a lot of judging going on.

    For the record her "parasite" was never a joke in conversation... I get that things change, and it's an awful thing to experience. I guess it's more her character I have a conflict with than the phrase, but that's a whole other story.

    I'll say it one last time -- sorry if I offended you. That's it, I'm going to bed.


    I never claimed to know you. That's why I asked if you've experienced a loss. If you don't like the girl, then that's fine. But to bash her for whatever she use to call her baby is uncalled for. What if she or someone she knows frequents this board? How hurtful would that be? We don't have to know you to know that you were dead wrong for "venting" about such a delicate subject.

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  • image piecesofflare:

    And for the record, the first post I ever saw from you was you venting about being pregnant because you didn't know if you were ready even though you'd planned it.  This was three weeks ago.

    So it's okay for YOU to feel this way, but not for her?  Nice.

    Oh shiit really!? That's fvcked up!

    Nice catch POF. 

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  • image noah-bear:
    image piecesofflare:

    And for the record, the first post I ever saw from you was you venting about being pregnant because you didn't know if you were ready even though you'd planned it.  This was three weeks ago.

    So it's okay for YOU to feel this way, but not for her?  Nice.

    Oh shiit really!? That's fvcked up!

    Nice catch POF. 

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  • I am assuming you have not experienced a loss and I hope that you never do.  But, it is something you should never judge. Period.  It is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever been through and I would not wish it on anyone.
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  • If someone made comments that I thought was her saying she did not want her baby and then she m/c'd  I think I'd be confused as the OP was as to the emotion of the other person after the loss.

    She outright said they have every right to grieve in any way possible but also said she was confused as to the girl acting like she was unhappy with being pregnant and then being devastated at the loss. How is that hard to understand? 

    I think you all jumped on this girl without maybe reading what she said and how she said it. 

    Sure, I wouldn't judge someone's loss but I might be confused if I knew this person as well as she knows her. 

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  • I hope you never have a loss. Words cannot begin to describe how it rips your life and psyche apart.

    I hope your "friend" never sees that you didn't feel truly sorry for her because of her choice of wording.

    The only appropriate thing to ever say to a woman who m/c is "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?" 

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  • I really don't think it's your business to try and dissect what she was/is feeling.

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  • I actually told some of my friends I was pregnant by telling them I had a soul sucking parasite growing inside of me.  And (enter shocked face here) I have a baby and I've had a m/c!!!  Life is too short to take it too serious.  You need to lighten up.
  • image piecesofflare:

    No, I read what she said.  It's still bad form.  saturdaynightdoublesuck vented about her planned pregnancy a few weeks ago.  I wouldn't have been confused if the worst had happened and then she'd been upset about it. 

    Regardless of your feelings when you first get pregnant,there's nothing awesome about your baby dying inside you.

    I agree with you. I think it's poor form. Really though, you wouldn't be confused if she was upset over being pregnant but then also upset about the loss? I can kind of understand both but it makes it seem like they didn't want the baby in the first place depending on wording.

    I didn't see her previous post and have never seen her before to my recollection. Just seems like people want to jump on her.

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  • image princess101:

    If someone made comments that I thought was her saying she did not want her baby and then she m/c'd  I think I'd be confused as the OP was as to the emotion of the other person after the loss.

    She outright said they have every right to grieve in any way possible but also said she was confused as to the girl acting like she was unhappy with being pregnant and then being devastated at the loss. How is that hard to understand? 

    I think you all jumped on this girl without maybe reading what she said and how she said it. 

    Sure, I wouldn't judge someone's loss but I might be confused if I knew this person as well as she knows her. 

    Just to be sure, I went back a re-read the post. It doesn't say that the girl was unhappy about being PG, all that was said was the parasite line, which is one that many of us have used and doesn't really mean happy or unhappy.

     So, if my inability to infer what she meant caused me to over react, the I suppose I apologize. However, I still think the OP was so confused because she was being insensitive. If she took a moment of introspection I think she would have had a great deal of clarity on the matter.

    Edited: Changed "you" to "she" referring to OP not Princess :)

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