Judging

susanmosley

I have a question about judging.  I think I may be a horrible person because I do judge people....like all of the time.  It is just what I automatically do.  I see a scenario, I analyze it based on my prior knowledge and interpretation of the event/person, and I draw some kind of conclusion.  Granted I am of average intelligence, so I am able to reasonably think of all of the reasons why my assessment may be inaccurate, and it isn't as though I treat the person rudely and think they shouldn't have rights and privileges that the rest of us have.  But is it possible that "judging" is a natural, innate skill that is necessary for our safety and survival among other things?

My question - I am always baffled by people that state they don't judge other people, because I truly think I am unable to control this thought process.  So, am I going to burn in hell? or could someone explain to me how to turn off my analytical thinking that results in judgments of other people and situations?  Actually, I don't really care to stop judging people, so I guess all I really want to know is if anyone else out there feels this same way?

Temp174496125006552

I think we all judge people on some level.  I don't believe people who say they don't.  It's just some people do it more than others.  I know I've been guilty of it.  But I try to show compassion and realize that I may not know the whole situation and give the person a break.  Not saying that I do all the time, but I try.

jacksjerseygirl

Bottom line - we ALL judge others. Even people who say they don't. 

I don't know that it is an innate characteristic based on biology/evolution/survival as much as it is ingrained in us by society, media, and general pop-culture.

Our society, speaking specifically about north america, is built on competition - individualistic society. Whereas, in Asian countries it is more likely to find group-based principals above individual - less individual competition.

Often times, and I am not saying this personally to/about you, but in my experience - people who the most mc-judgy/compulsive judgers are often trying to justify their own actions, back-up their own parenting or life philosophies, and are the most insecure with their life or decisions (thus gaining personal confidence by placing themselves 'above' others). A person who is secure and confident in their self, beliefs, actions, practices won't feel the need to compulsively judge others. 

I do judge people. I try very hard not to especially as it relates to parenting. If there was a one-way/right-way of parenting then we would all be given a manual and raise our kids the exact same cookie-cutter way. 

Emiliana7

I agree. I think everyone judges others. However its what we do with that judgement that makes us seem "judgey" to the ones who say they don't judge.

If we didn't judge people all the criminals and 'bad people would always have the upper hand.

Just because someone judges someone else doesn't make them bad- its how you treat others. This is why appearances do matter- first impressions mean so much. You have to have that good first impression to get through the door.

 

HarrietNJMommy

I TRY not to. TRY is the operative word in that sentence. That doesn't mean that I don't judge. I judge every single day.

The issue I have is when people take what someone else does, judge it and then it consumes them in some way. They have to prove to the other person that they are "wrong" or they don't "know any better." I call this "judging gone wrong."

In some cases, answers to most are clear cut. In other cases, it's very grey and both sides can be right, especially when it comes to parenting.

I don't think you can turn it off. I think that you can make yourself more aware of what or who you judge and what you do with that judgement. Does that make any sense?

susanmosley

HarrietNJMommy:

I TRY not to. TRY is the operative word in that sentence. That doesn't mean that I don't judge. I judge every single day.

The issue I have is when people take what someone else does, judge it and then it consumes them in some way. They have to prove to the other person that they are "wrong" or they don't "know any better." I call this "judging gone wrong."

In some cases, answers to most are clear cut. In other cases, it's very grey and both sides can be right, especially when it comes to parenting.

I don't think you can turn it off. I think that you can make yourself more aware of what or who you judge and what you do with that judgement. Does that make any sense?

Makes complete sense and i get that.  I agree with what you said.  I think I do a good job with (as I mentioned) logically thinking to veto my judgment - I KNOW I don't know the whole story or the big picture.  You answered my question well (as did pps).  I was starting to think that I was the only human who automatically draws conclusions and inferences in response to things I see on a regular basis.  Judging is my reflex, then I use thought to not let it dictate my behavior.  

Thanks for responses 

dionnemd10

i judge people-and like you i think i try not too.  however sometimes after a few days with people you just know!   in grad school i worked for residence life--supposedly a very accomodating environment-but man they were the most judgemental folks every-especially if you didn't fit their "mold."   that said there was always a staff member every year that early on everyone would fawn over and i was like "really-i'm not getting it or seeing it."  by the end of the year i was the one that had been right all along--i always found that amazing

 i have a counseling background and we are "taught" to be nonjudgmental, but innately i think some is always going to be there no matter what.  and now that i'm a mom-it gets tricky too cuz you want to teach your child to have an open mind-so i find that we have to watch what we say about certain "neighbor kids" etc. 

big picture i'm pretty open to alternative lifestyles, races etc so that all helps i think balance it out?

susanmosley

jacksjerseygirl:

I don't know that it is an innate characteristic based on biology/evolution/survival as much as it is ingrained in us by society, media, and general pop-culture.

Often times, and I am not saying this personally to/about you, but in my experience - people who the most mc-judgy/compulsive judgers are often trying to justify their own actions, back-up their own parenting or life philosophies, and are the most insecure with their life or decisions (thus gaining personal confidence by placing themselves 'above' others). A person who is secure and confident in their self, beliefs, actions, practices won't feel the need to compulsively judge others. 

In response to paragraph one i DO think it is a natural/internal response (maybe our background knowledge is affected by today's society/the media//etc).  But I think using your 5 senses to take in information and analyzing it to make sense of it is innate.  And I think that is all judging is.  

In response to paragraph 2 - I have heard that multiple times so i keep trying to dig deep and accept that maybe I am insecure with something and lacking confidence in my reasoning and opinions, but I can't seem to find that to be true.  I really feel I am pretty secure in myself and my beliefs and thoughts, however I continue to form opinions based on what I observe.  

Like a said in another response, I then filter that initial judgment through logical thinking.  But when I see a 2 year old riding car seat-less in the front seat of a car I still think the parents aren't making good decisions - maybe they don't know better (still not a good decision), maybe they can't afford a seat (still not good), maybe they don't think anything will happen to them (still not good) and in the end, I find myself knowing that I likely don't know the entire situation, but I still think they aren't the brightest adults and I feel bad for the child (and for society, that THAT poor child is going to grow up and probably not do any better either) 

See that is what I mean right there - I don't let it consume me, but I DO think "dumbass" and then go on with my day.  And I am thinking that somehow I should be able to take some kind of high road and think, "I will not judge that mother as I do not know the entire situation.  She is probably a caring, loving woman."  I just don't think that....I think it is depressing that that woman is raising a child.

AND, I may think I am better than her because I make the effort to make sure my child is safe in a vehicle, but that isn't a result of an insecurity I have about a parenting decision/belief, you know?

Am I even making sense?  Im taking a nap now  

 

lms_bride

I also feel that I can be a very judgmental person.  As I have gotten older, met different types of people, and have become a mother I think I am much better about it (ie I take more time to learn and understand before jumping to conclusions), but I am still aware of how I judge others.  Like you, I try to keep it to myself.  I don't know how successful I am at that.  My personal interpretation of my own judgementalness (not a word) is that I fear others judging me so I judge them first.  I am pretty sure it is a self esteem issue for me.  I have a need to be liked and accepted and so I am always hoping people are not judging me negatively.  However, I tend to judge them ... its kinda wonky.  Also, my parents are pretty judgmental, in a bit of an ignorant way (sounds really bad, but trying to be objective here).  I grew up with that mentality and while it is not an excuse for my behavior as an adult, I think it helps explain at least how I started out this way.

As a side note, I've asked my husband before and he doesn't think I am particularly judgmental.  And yes, I think he would tell me - he is a pretty direct person.  So, maybe I am just judging myself too harshly?  ha ha...

I don't know if this answered your questions, but I feel somewhat similar to you so... there you go.

safy

I think we all judge people on some level. It's natural human behavior so that's not so much what I have issues with. It's the people that lack tact when they judge people that gets on my nerves.  It's one thing to judge people, but it's a whole 'nother thing to use that judgment and throw it in other people's face with the intent of making them feel inferior.