YIKES. Tell me this wasn't a stupid thing to do...

brideonjuly8 · March 2010

Short story- my in laws don't really care for my mom b/c of the way she went bsc the year after I got married. She's been fine pretty much since then, but she and my brother are coming for Easter and I thought we could all celebrate together. So I sent MIL an email asking if we could all be together. My mom and brother always ask about seeing them when they are up here and it's always so hard to cover it all up (she doesn't know that they don't care for her). It's getting harder ad harder to lie about them always having plans. I told her it was fine if she said no, but I thought it was pointless to be celebrating separately if we were all in town.

Was this stupid of me?

clynn58 · March 2010

I don't think it is stupid and think they can handle it for one day.

MrsHoyt · March 2010

No, it wasn't dumb at all. I have a similar situation. My mom drives my in-laws crazy (its a long story... when I am in a situation where I can drink again, feed me two beers and I will reward you with a story that will make you feel SO MUCH BETTER about your situation!) and its hard to constantly make stuff up when they are in town and she asks if she can join us for dinner, or lunch, or whatever. It sucks.

I would have sent the same email. I think you are in a better position than me because you have your boy. If the grandparents wanna spend Easter with the boy, then they are gonna have to do it together, dammit!

espana21 · March 2010

Totally not stupid. They can handle her for one day and it's not fair to put you in the middle anyway.

mcurban · March 2010

espana21:
Totally not stupid. They can handle her for one day and it's not fair to put you in the middle anyway.

this.

they are adults. they can (or should be able to) behave long enough to have dinner and socialize. not your job (at ALL) to referee and keep folks from running into each other.

CollieJade · March 2010

espana21:
Totally not stupid. They can handle her for one day and it's not fair to put you in the middle anyway.

This. I'm in a similar boat...my ILs don't not get along with my parents, they're just REALLY different and don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. But my ILs thankfully never put up a fight about holidays; they just expect that we'll all be together.

The only thing I'd worry about in your case is if it'll make YOU uncomfortable and unhappy worrying about how everyone will get along. It's hard not to worry about it, but try not to let it affect your enjoyment of the holiday!

MrsHoyt · March 2010

CollieJade:

The only thing I'd worry about in your case is if it'll make YOU uncomfortable and unhappy worrying about how everyone will get along. It's hard not to worry about it, but try not to let it affect your enjoyment of the holiday!

This is what I would worry about, also. Because this would totally be me. I'd worry the whole time and everyone would end up wondering why I was being weird. (-er than normal)

Angie&Doc · March 2010

No, it was not stupid at all. I think it is pretty bad on your In-laws part if they can't be around her for one day.

My parents are completely different from my MIL but, they always get along when we are all together.

btrrcupbride · March 2010

MrsRosie:
I think it's odd that your ILs are so open with you in the first place about disliking your mother. I don't know the whole story though.

This.
But I do think the grown ups should be able to suck it up and deal for one day.
Holidays are hard for my family too b/c it is either a big deal w/ DH's whole family, which is fun, or just us and my mom, which is relaxing.
It seems mean to leave my mom out by herself when she is just one extra person, but whatever, I guess that is just the way it works.

brideonjuly8 · March 2010

MrsRosie:
I think it's odd that your ILs are so open with you in the first place about disliking your mother. I don't know the whole story though.

My mom acted a whole lot like my FILs mom did when they got married. Just went crazy over losing control over some one. My mom has a LOT of issues, and they all came out during that first year. My in laws moved all the way from IA just to get away from her- that's how crazy she was (and still is) and it just gave them flashbacks from when they first got married. There's a whole lot more - but it's too much to type out. They don't really say it, but it's their actions. I've tried many times to get us all together, just for dinner when mom's in town and they are always "busy", which I know is just an out. They get along fine when they are around each other, it's just getting them together that's the hard part. I would be comfortable all together, it's getting to that point that's hard.

Emer · March 2010

Not stupid at all. You have a good relationship with your MIL, right? I think you, or DH, should further tell her (if needed) that it is important to you to get together and you would really appreciate it if they would join you for Easter even though you recognize it is not an ideal situation.

No one likes my IL's, but there are times you just have to suck it up and deal for the sake of your children and their spouse.

thegastons · March 2010

MrsHoyt:

CollieJade:

The only thing I'd worry about in your case is if it'll make YOU uncomfortable and unhappy worrying about how everyone will get along. It's hard not to worry about it, but try not to let it affect your enjoyment of the holiday!

This is what I would worry about, also. Because this would totally be me. I'd worry the whole time and everyone would end up wondering why I was being weird. (-er than normal)

I don't think it was dumb at all, but do agree with PP about considering if it will cause you problems. Good luck this weekend and I hope it all works out!

I also have similar problems with ILs and my parents being together only its my parents that don't care for the ILs. It really is a sucky situation. I love how my ILs and my SIL's ILs (did ya follow that?) always do all the holidays together and get along with each other and would really enjoy the same. But I know it will never happen - my parents are a$$es Tongue Tied

abh1977 · March 2010

Not at all stupid....in fact I think you did the RIGHT thing. You have a lifetime ahead of you of dealing with this issue - why not try to make it better now? Clearly you have a good relationship with your IL's if they feel comfortable being honest with you about how they feel about your mom. I would just be honest with them about that if this could work a couple of times a year, it would be best in the long run. If they refuse, I would try to respect that, but I think taking a step in that direction is definitely the right thing to do. Good luck! And, of course, let us all know how it goes.

mcgee · March 2010

MrsRosie:
I think it's odd that your ILs are so open with you in the first place about disliking your mother. I don't know the whole story though.

My parents are/were open about disliking my ILs. But then, that's because my FIL went bsc on me. They didn't talk badly about my ILs to DH, but I knew how upset my dad in particular was at my FIL. DH also knew, post blow up, that even if our relationship with his parents could be repaired, their relationship with MY parents was likely beyond repair.

My mom will be seeing my ILs for the first time in several years at Alex's christening in a few months. She says she can be nice for the weekend, and frankly, I expect that ILs will behave too because 1) they already know that their son will choose me over them if pushed and 2) it takes a spectacular level of a$shattery to be mean to a woman who just lost her husband.

Brideonjuly8, would it be possible for your DH to gently tell his parents that it's important to both of you for everyone to get along just for this one day? I don't know if your relationship with your ILs is such that you would feel comfortable saying that. If so, I'd let them know that your mom is unaware of their feelings, and that you'd very much like to put the past behind you and have a nice holiday together.