Multiples
TinyTeacher
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Not telling which is older
TinyTeacher
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in Multiples
DH and I have decided we will never tell the twins (or anyone else for that matter) which one was born first. I'm a teacher and I've taught several sets of twins and it always seems like the older twin lords the "I'm older" power over the younger one. It's like a trump card in every argument, which I think is really stupid because, hello- it's like a matter of 3 minutes.
To that end, we realized that if we tell our families which is born first, the kids will eventually find out. So we decided we won't tell and no one but us and the doctor will ever know which one was born first 
Did anyone else do this or planning on doing it? I know it's not a big deal, but I'm just curious.
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Re: Not telling which is older
i totally get your reasoning, but what will you say when they ask you?
and like pp said, what about the birth certificate? if you go to great lengths to hide the fact who knows what their little minds will come up with. maybe one kid will imagine he/she is adopted (unless they're id or REALLY look alike).
haha I guess when they're a bit older they might get curious.
I think if we try to hide it from our kids, it will make a bigger issue out of it than just letting it be what it is. I haven't done any research or anything, but I think playing the "I'm older" or "I'm younger" card (which happens too) is just what siblings do and isn't really damaging or anything.
In my case it won't. Our doctor kind of screwed up. Can't speak for other doctor's but they told us that when delivering c/s twins or such, they wait a minute between each one so that they have their own times of birth.
Our doctor forgot and got both boys out within 48 seconds of each other.
So our b/c shows both were born at 9:10 am.
It's not so much protecting them (it's not like its anything harmful), it's more to prevent one kid having the upper hand in all the arguing and fighting that I'm anticipating will happen between twins.
We're doing it! Well, we'll tell them when they're 18. It was suggested to me by an 18-year-old ID twin whose mom had done it, and she and her sister thought it was a great idea. At delivery, my OB (who is also a twin) told me his mom had done the same thing! I have heard from a number of adult twins, teachers, and principals that it's a good idea. It made sense to me, too; the reason that 18-year-old's mom did it is because she had read that twins tend to take on the characteristics of their "birth order" (both because of how they see themselves and how people treat them). I didn't want my boys' personalities to be influenced by something as arbitrary as who was closer to my cervix (rather than singleton siblings where one actually has life experiences before the younger). I've gotten mixed reactions from people, ranging from "That's cool!" and "I wish my mom had thought to do that" to "That's stupid" :P and "But I wanna knoooow!" Overall though, the research I've done and opinions from people who know have almost 100% confirmed our decision.
Oh and times of birth weren't on their birth certificates. No one visited us at the hospital (no family in town) so that wasn't an issue either. The 18y/o I talked to did say that's how her mom told them though--on their 18th birthday she showed them their birth certificates.
We have no problem telling them- and see no issue with it. If you don't give the older/younger one anything special b/c of their place in line- then they won't grow up thinking it matters. I grew up with 2 sets of twins and neither cared who was "older".
FWIW - Grayson is my older twin and he rules the roost - he is very dominant - has nothing to do with when he was born --- sometimes it just works out that way.
LOVE this
That is cool .
I agree with this. And by the time they're old enough to care about who's older, they're old enough to understand that it's a petty argument. If they really want to fight about it... let them! It'll get old sooner or later. You can't take away all their reasons to fight, as siblings it's just gonna happen.
When Macchiatto mentioned doing it because of how others treat them due to birth order, that reasoning makes more sense to me. I still won't do it because I figure they can live with the cards they got dealt just like any other siblings, but I understand it more ; )
I guess you don't. But we have so much stuff from the hospital that lists them as "A" and "B" that we stuck in their separate Baby Books. Don't get me wrong, it seems like an interesting idea, but a lot of work too. I figure that having me as a parent is what is going to screw my kids up. I am not worried about the birth order thing. And my DH is the 8th of 9 so he can take up for the younger child if need be.
Yeah- same here - it would have been a huge pain to hide all the A/B stuff in the hospital!
I just find it silly... and like others said - all siblings deal with one being older - and either as a parent you intervene and teach them what is right or wrong or you don't - -- there are far bigger things in life that I feel will shape my children's personalities than the 2 minutes between them.
Ditto this
OP, regardless of what we MoMs think, just know that nearly all of the older/ adult twins I've talked to really support and encourage the idea of not telling your multiples' birth order till they're older. I love talking to adult twins, because we as MoMs can guess at what life will be like for our kids as multiples and what they need from us, but older multiples are the real experts and I love to learn from them. You can certainly make a case for either telling or not telling, and of course we each just need to make the decision that we feel is right for our families. But I know from experience that you'll catch some flak for this decision, so I just wanted to express my support.
i think i'll ask my SILs (twins) about this. i'm fine with letting the babies know, but curious.
My Dr didn't forget about the "they each get their own minute" rule...I was an emergency section and they got them OUT. There is a 27 second time difference between my twins. 27 seconds. However- NYS can't put the same time of birth down so Nathan's certificate says 6:56am and Morgan's says 6:57...however; it's really 6:56. And I requested that my Dr pull out Nathan first so that Morgan would always have a "big brother" to "protect her"... (I always wanted an older brother...and ever since I was little I wanted a boy then a girl- who knows...lol. And Nathan was Baby A but my delivery was a *tad* comlicated... Morgan went into the birth canal with Nathan--- her leg was jack-knifed in there with his head)... so anyway... I don't think they will care who is older. Morgan rules this house. The boys know it. LOL!
My twins Benjamin and Olivia
That is interesting!
The person who first suggested it to me said she and her sister did like not knowing and said they felt like it kept them on equal footing and kept other people from making a big deal out of it. She said they also liked the mystery and the guessing. I think it helped they knew they'd find out when they turned 18 though; they might have been more annoyed if they would never find out.
And I know what you mean. I'm sure some would feel that way, but the adult twins I know weren't bothered by not knowing. (I'm sure it depends on personality somewhat.) I don't know; maybe both twins were secretly worried they were the younger so they liked that it was just a non-issue.
DH and I are flexible with it though; if we see it's causing problems for some reason, we'll talk it through with them and if they would be better served by knowing, we'll tell them earlier. Basically, we're doing what we think is best for our kids based on what we know now, but if we come across reasons why telling them earlier than 18 would be best, we're fine with that.
My husband is a twin and the things I'm getting all caught up in, like not telling who is older, not dressing them alike or making an effort to individualize the babies by not referring to them as "the twins" etc., he doesn't think is a big deal at all. He and his sister were "the twins" their whole lives and they've always known DH is older. But he thinks it's silly to even think of someone having leverage as the oldest child when you're older by a matter of minutes.
We do agree that it's easier to individualize twins when they are boy/girl. If we have two boys or two girls in here, it might be harder to get our family on board with not treating them as a unit.
That's awesome! I wish every "Twin A" was like that.
I can't tell you how many twins have told me, "My twin was ___ minutes older than me, and they never let me forget it!" Lame. :P
And I totally agree with you; I do think it's easier to differentiate and have fewer "twin issues" when they're boy/girl twins.