Update on our situation
CaptainSerious
member
I want to thank you all for the support you offered me last week. I haven't posted much since then, because I wanted to be able to give a meaningful update when I did. A lot has happened since then.
Since M's age change going up by a year might have a lot of ramifications, the Peruvian authority asked us to submit a letter indicating our intention to continue with the adoption if we still wanted to be considered as M's parents. They also told us that they couldn't consider us in a matching session unless we had US Immigration approval to adopt a child of his age before they met. We decided to go ahead and have our Immigration paperwork updated to match M's new age right away, even while we took our time to decide if we were going to go ahead with the adoption. Luckily, we got everything in before Immigration issued a decision on our paperwork raising the age from 6 to 7, so we didn't have to pay another fee to raise it to 8.
Once we got the medical report, we discussed it with our doctor. He really doesn't believe that M's 8, since bone aging has a 15-month variable either way, and all his documents and developments corroborate his being 7. That and the rest of the information in the file leads him to think that, developmentally, M's on target. This was such great news!
The new files also included information about a failed adoption of M. Apparently, he was referred to an Italian family in September, before his medical condition was known. That family brought M for a medical exam, which uncovered the heart issue. They agreed to continue with the adoption, even though they were expecting to adopt a healthy child. The obtained custody, and he stayed with them at the hotel. After a few nights, they decided not to go through with the adoption. They said it was because he was ill-behaved, and stayed up all night watching TV when they told him to go to bed. We believe it's really because of the heart condition, but no one will ever really know. The sucky thing about this is that they told M that they were sick, and had to return to Italy, but that they'd be back for him, so this failed adoption has added to M's losses. He couldn't understand what happened, and why they weren't coming back for him until someone bit the bullet and explained that they would not be adopting him.
This new information is what we've been focusing on. He's had more loss in his life than many adoptees--he lived with and lost his birth family through abuse and neglect, he lost his orphanage family when they moved him for the adoption, he lost his first adoptive parents, and now he's with a foster family that he will lose when he's adopted. We've been doing research on attachment issues and trying to figure out if we could deal with what might arise on top of the normal adoption stuff and his medical situation. We talked a lot about how it would affect us as a couple and as individuals, and if we were prepared to enter a situation in which our son would have no reason to trust us and might push us away pretty consistently until we proved we were solid, constant sources of love in his life.
We were waiting to make sure that he wasn't referred to another family tomorrow (Tuesday) before making our final decision, but the matching session has been postponed due to a bureaucratic issue. So, tonight we decided to go ahead and continue with our plans to adopt M. We feel as though we will be willing and able to deal with the attachment issues that may arise, and we can't see ourselves walking away. We are hoping that all our paperwork will be updated and submitted in time for the next matching session, and we are praying that we are right and M is our son.
Re: Update on our situation
Oh my, what a sad story. I admire your strength and courage. I know you will feel it is the honor to parent him, but this little guy will also be so darn lucky to have you two as parents.
Thanks for the update. I'm sending thoughts and prayers that this all works out soon.
thanks, everyone.
Well, he was admitted into the orphanage at age 4, and was living with his mother and older brother on and off prior to that. Whether or not he successfully bonded to them is questionable. Alcoholism ran in the family, and they were both abusive towards him, repeatedly throwing him out. When he wasn't at home, he would live on the street and, for some short intervals, at orphanages. So, unfortunately, he doesn't seem to have a strong foundation to build on. All his documents say he's really resilient and adaptable, though, and that he has a pleasant and happy demeanor. We're hoping for the best.
This brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy for you and I'm sending good thoughts that it works out! I haven't seen you post in a while and was hoping you had some good news!
As a side note, were you required to take any educational courses through Adoption Learning Partners? We took one on the Journey of Attachment and it was wonderful! I do remember reading how older children who have recently lost their home, caregiver, etc. are the most reluctant to forming attachment, even though the most secure attachments form at 3 years old and under. It opened our eyes at just how difficult it can be, how it will be frustrating, etc. - but also how you can make it work. If you want, I can e-mail you the notes I took during that educational session.
We also had to do a lot of research on Attachment Counselors in the area where we live (even though our Social Worker said she doesn't like the one counselors treatment-type methods), but an attachment counselor might also provide you with some educational materials as well - if you are looking for other things. I'm also reading the book - Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child. They don't like the word "attachment", but use the word "connection" instead and I love their views on it. I'm not too far into the book, but it's pretty good so far!
Thank you so much for the update. I was wondering how things were going.
I will be praying for you guys and for M, and keeping my fingers crossed that this will work out for the best for all of you.
We were required to do 30 hours of adoption education classes/credits, but not necessarily through ALP. We exceeded the 30 hours, and are now really focusing on attachment reading. We did take one class through ALP, but it was "Eyes Wide Open" about international adoption. I am currently reading Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow, and my husband is reading Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents, then we'll switch. We also have a few more books and articles around which we hope to get to after.
I have a few local resources I haven't fully tapped yet (developmental evaluation center, adoption specialist doctors, adoptive family who adopted a couple children with severe attachment disorders, etc.) that we're hoping will give us some great referrals to attachment and bonding specialists in the area. I was planning on waiting until we brought M home, though, before seeking them out. Do you think we should do it before?
I've been thinking about buying that book. I guess I should add it to my list.
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!
You might just want to have their info on hand just in case? I think it would be important to see some of the "treatment" options. I'm sure there are counselors out there who would say "force" the child to give you a hug, while others would say don't force anything. Anyways, it might be good to just have the contact info on-hand, in case it is needed (but hopefully it won't be :-) )
I'll definitely have to check out those books you are currently reading - thanks for posting them!
Oh Captain. I say a prayer daily for you and your journey. Thanks for the updated - keep us posted.
::HUGS::
Wow M has been through so much. It really amazes me how resilient kids can be. I applaud you for moving forward with M and being there for him. Its having people like you guys in his life that will help him heal.
Good luck and I hope you get to bring him home soon!
oh wow, M has been through so much already. :-( I am adding you, your DH and M to my prayer list!
I can't imagine going through all that. It's a lot to take in! And I really feel for M having to go through everything as well.
I predict a much better future for all involved! Moments like that are when the adoption roller coaster is going down but it's bound to come up soon and it'll all be worth it in the end! Can't wait till the day you come and post about your child!