Dwelling on delivery

AlisonLynn

I had a very rough delivery with my son. They ended up having to get him out as quickly as possible and used the vacuum 17 times. He was born just a week ago but I keep replaying the whole thing through my head over and over again. It was so awful and I can't get over it. I am so worried that there could be some sort of permanent damage. His head has recovered and looks great now. He had some pretty bad jaundice so he had to be admitted to the hospital a few days ago. He had to wear a little mask while they kept him under some lights. I know it didn't hurt him at all but it was heartbreaking to see. I just feel so bad for my little guy and want to make sure he is ok. I panic thinking about it all. My doctor prescribed lexapro but I haven't started it. It makes me nervous to take medication while nursing. I just don't know what to do and how to stop replaying all the trauma in my head.

Smudges*Mom

I am so sorry that your son's delivery was so difficult.  My birth experience was pretty awful as well.  Due to HELLP Syndrome (the most severe form of pre-e), my son was delivered by emergency c-section.  He ended up in the NICU for 12 hours but because I was so sick, I did not get to hold him until he was 28 hours old.  The entire experience rocked my world.  I became an anxious mess.  The day after we were released from the hospital, I called my OB's office, begging for help.  Ultimately, I was prescribed Pristiq, but the psychiatrist waited until I was 2 or 3 weeks postpartum before giving me the meds.  He wanted to make sure that it was PPD and not baby blues. 

Because your son is just a week old, it is hard to say.  Regardless if it is PPD or baby blues, what you are feeling is real and valid--don't discount those feelings.

Normally, I am a proponant of taking meds if they could help you.  In your situation though, I would likely wait a week or two.  I did not breastfeed, so I can't speak to that, but I doubt your OB would prescribe something that would be harmful to the baby.

I know when my son was so young, I did not do a good job of eating well.  Once I realized this and started eating small, frequent meals of roast beef, fresh fruit and milk (that is about all that I could stomach at that point), I did find that my mood stabilized some.  I still felt sad and anxious, but it was more consistent and less of the roller coaster effect.  So, I urge you to make sure that you are eating often enough and healthy things too.

Your body is still going through a TON of changes.  I feel like I had no idea of what my body would feel like after I had my son--but it was worse and harder than I ever would have imagined.  My psychiatrist explained that your body almost goes through a 4th trimester as your hormone levels and fliud levels return to normal.

Again, I'm sorry that you are feeling the way that you are.  It sucks, but it won't suck forever.  Do what you need to to take care of yourself.  If you need help with the baby, ask for help.  Often people don't know what to do, so ask.  You don't have to do it all alone.

Take care!

ChloeFH

Do you have a counselor or therapist you could talk to?  Even a community nurse?  Even writing things out in a journal helps me sometimes when I'm obsessing...  I'm sorry you had such a rough time of it!

Maine333

I don't have PPD and I went through the same thing you are going through right after LO was born.  I had a rough delivery and I wasn't fully healed for three months.  I played the delivery over and over again.  I also would get really emotional/sad around 7:50 every night (the time he was born).  That went on for about three weeks. His one week birthday was the worst for some reason.  I couldn't stop thinking about it and was really teary that day.  After three weeks, I still had trouble and replayed it/couldn't look back on it fondly at all until he was around two months old (then I had some procedures to repair some of the damage done).  After that, I started to feel better and I was entirely better both mentally and physically by three months.  Now, I can even look back on the event with happiness. 

 I never had any problem bonding with the baby though and felt happy otherwise when I wasn't thinking about the delivery.  I never brought it up to my OB.  I figured it was just trauma from delivery and not PPD

 Go easy on yourself.  You are so close to having given birth- it is hard to get perspective.  I think it is normal to feel like birth was traumatic. Also, if it is PPD, go easy on yourself.  It's not your fault and there is plenty you can do to help you and your baby.

Good luck.