Need some advise from other step-mothers

hesperfect

I have to step children 7 and 5, both boys. After having my little girl the boys and I have really grown apart. This also has to do with their M, they have told us things she is telling them. She pretty much hates me and the boys know it, i think she is still in love with DH. We are in a custody battle right now, and I know this will effect everything. My question is how to reconnect with them, even if you have little ideas?

luckyangel

Spend time with just them.  Let DH take the little one somewhere or stay home with her and you take the boys (or even just one at a time) out to do something special.  Even if its something little like checking out dogs at the pet store or hitting a park for a while, that alone time will reassure them that you're not the monster their mom makes you out to be.  Not only will it give you time to bond, it will let them know (without anyone having to say it) that their mom is jerking their chain and being a b!tch.  Kids at that age know when they're being played and if they have the chance to see you for who you are, not who she says you are, they will come back around.

hesperfect

LOL!! I'm glad I'm not the only one with a BSC BM. I'm a bit scared from reading some of the post about custody issues though. We just started and its already crazy. I'm mentally exhausted from all of crazyness and backstabbing going on.

luckyangel

hesperfect:

LOL!! I'm glad I'm not the only one with a BSC BM. I'm a bit scared from reading some of the post about custody issues though. We just started and its already crazy. I'm mentally exhausted from all of crazyness and backstabbing going on.

 

Custody fights are draining.  Just no matter what, don't let anything that happens get between you and your husband or cause friction between you.  Use it as an avenue to become closer!  After going through our custody fight for DH's kids (and yes-he was awarded sole custody almost 2 years ago) we were so much closer than we were before.  It meant the world to him that I would stand by him and support him, and that I cared enough about his kids to want to help them.  And it meant alot to me to know that the man I chose to marry and planned to have kids with, loved his children enough to fight for them. 

And as for the craziness...it gets worse before it get better.  At least that's what I uh...hear.

flippy1234

Yep, I agree.. just spend time with them. Even if its cuddling on the couch watching a movie, or hanging out at the park.

FML8608

I haven't been in your situation but I do know that all kids want is attention. Give them all of the postitive attention that you can before they start acting out and doing what they can to get negative attention...esp in divorce situations, it can be very confusing for them.

And as far as their M goes, kids aren't stupid...they will pick up on the fact that their mom is being hateful and that you're a kind, giving person who doesn't deserve to be talked about badly. I was a child of divorce and picked up on my SM talking badly about my mom at an early age and have always resented her for it. In fact, it was the other way around...my mom was sweet and caring and my SM was (not my SM any longer) a horrible, angry, hateful human being.

barroshe

Have you tried one on one time with them.  I know that when things get stressed with SD and I, I try to do something with just the 2 of us.  Go get our nails painted, hair cut, clothes shopping.  Maybe they need to know and be shown that they are still important.  Do they like sports?  Maybe you and DH could take them to a game or something and find a sitter for DD. ??  If things have gotten stressed since DD came around, it may be good to spend a little time with them alone. 
Also...custody battles do suck.  We went through it last year.  Luckily ours turned out for the best and in our favor.  But you need to try to not let that come between your family life.  Drama with the BM isn't going to change (at least it hasn't for us), and you and your DH need to get together and get a game plan together.  Your family team needs to be the strongest now with everything else you have on your plate. 

GL to you!!!!  

chelle828

I agree with the previous posters - but I wanted to add, continue to be the bigger person and DO NOT badmouth their mom in front of them.  Just spend good time with them and try to remain neutral (at least appear that way).  Make sure they aren't treated any different than your own child.  I'm not saying that you do any of that stuff, but just be extra aware of your own behaviour around them.