Why can't I be sad? *Vent*

amberfernandez

I'm having a particularly bad day today.  It's been five weeks since our BM changed her mind and decided to keep the baby.  Two weeks ago, my DH saw BM waiting at the bus stop with the baby, and apparently this isn't the first time.  She only lives a block away from his work, so I'm sure it won't be the last.

In addition to the failed match, we have four guys at work who's wives are due with their second babies all in the next 1 - 4 weeks.  Everyday I hear how excited they are, and how the dr's appointment went, see their ultrasound pictures on their desks etc.  And soon it will be all the new baby pictures.

As if that's not enough, next week, it will have been two years since my mother passed away, whom I was extremely close to.

I am sad, VERY sad, and my husband just tells me that it's been a month, I shouldn't be this sad, and I shouldn't cry about this.  I'm not crazy, and I'm allowed to feel the way I do.  It doesn't effect my work life, I work 60+ hours a week, and am just as productive as I've ever been, but am I wrong?

Am I not allowed to be sad over everything that is going on?  It's only been a month, or should I be expected to suck it up, and get over it?  My husband and I are on very different ends of the spectrum emotionally, so who is right?

CaptainSerious

I don't think either of you is wrong, except that he's not really right to be telling you how you should be feeling.  Just like any other form of grieving, everyone deals with it in a different way and on a different timeframe.  But I'd cut him some slack, too, since I'm sure he's only mentioning it because he's concerned about you and worried that you are slipping into a depression.

You have to work through your emotions before you can move on, and that is completely normal and healthy.  Do you have someone other than your husband that you can confide in, to talk through your feelings and hep you process them?  If your husband is the type to get over his emotional hurts by powering through them, its probably difficult if you are looking to him as your support right now.  That could also be why he would like for you to "buck up" right now, so that he can put it out of his mind.

Temp206787500007404

Neither of you is right or wrong.  Everyone grieves differently.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time -- are you seeing a therapist?  That has helped me immensely.  Since we had custody of the baby and then had to give him back, I have extreme anxiety that someone will take Payton away or something bad is going to happen to her, on top of my feelings of loss and sadness.  The therapy helps so much.

LadyRed7

You have every right to feel the way you do. Everyone grieves at their own pace, in their own way. Take whatever time you need to get over this hurdle. That is all it is. Albeit not an easy one, you will be a mom too. ;-)

Keep sending good, positive vibes out and do something nice for yourself, you deserve it.

 

GLynn2009

I totally agree with the above posters.

candm

I'm sorry. That's more than enough to make most people more than a little sad. Hugs.

pepomntpat

I think you are right. Your husband should not be telling you how you should and should not feel. {{hugs}}

What do you tell him when he says things like this?

foundmylazybum

MrsB2007:

Neither of you is right or wrong.  Everyone grieves differently.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time -- are you seeing a therapist?  That has helped me immensely.  Since we had custody of the baby and then had to give him back, I have extreme anxiety that someone will take Payton away or something bad is going to happen to her, on top of my feelings of loss and sadness.  The therapy helps so much.

I agree with B..and B--I just want to scoop up you and MissP and squeeze you.  

amberfernandez

pepomntpat:

I think you are right. Your husband should not be telling you how you should and should not feel. {{hugs}}

What do you tell him when he says things like this?

I tell him that we are different and have different emotions, and we greive differently, and that's OKAY.  He just doesn't understand, that after only one month, I should be allowed to feel this way.

so1966

sending you lots of hugs. i'm so sorry for both of your losses!  you have every right to be sad.

CarFar

My husband can be the same at times. I think men always think they have to "fix" it when we complain or are sad. For my husband I've come to the conclusion that seeing me upset upsets him more, and when he knows he cant help and then feels bad and frustrated and just tells me to stop worrying about it.

That is not an excuse for him not to validate your feelings of pain, which you  are DEFINITELY entitled to have, just maybe a different perspective on how HE may be interpreting the situation ?  Anyway. Positive thoughts to you. What you're dealing with is rough. =( 

amberfernandez

Thanks everybody for your thoughts and advice, I know many of you have been through failed matches, and I know eventually it gets better, it's just hard to see the forest through the trees right now, but I really do appreciate all your words, advice, and kind thoughts.

queenbone

I haven't lost a baby the way you have, but I have lost a parent.  It has been 2 1/2 yrs since he died and coming up on those milestones is still very sad for me.  Actually it doesn't take much for me to be sad and miss him.  So that coupled with your BM changing her mind?  I think you have every right to be feeling sad!  We all grieve differently and shouldn't compare our process to others.