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South Florida Babies
SAHM... need your advice
I'm wondering how other stay at home moms do it? I've wanted to contribute more and do more around the house but it seems so hard! Mila is only 2.5 months old and she constantly wants to be held. She cries whenever I put her down. I would like to take on more household responsibilities, but I find myself always attached to her and it makes it difficult to do anything. She naps on my lap and whenever I try to move her she wakes up and she'll cry if I put her down. Once in a while I can get her to stay in her swing, but most of the time it's just enough time for me to make myself a sandwich for lunch. The two times she's fallen asleep in it, it's been heavenly! I was able to do so much! But during the day, for the most part, she seems to be forever nursing so I'm tied down to my chair (although thankfully I have my computer set up here so I'm online whenever she's nursing, like right now!) Sometimes we're able to get out of the house, but I'm always in a rush since I'm BF and I want to make sure to be back home by the time of her next feeding. I would love to get grocery shopping done and clean up around the house. How do you do it? Or maybe she's still too little for me to expect to do much of anything else?
I'm frustrated that I don't feel productive and I'm really feeling guilty for not contributing more while he's at work... I know my DH doesn't think this, but I always feel like I'm trying to prove that I'm not just slacking away sitting on my a$$ all day. But before I know it, the day is gone and I feel like I've done nothing. I swear, I don't even turn on the tv! 
Taking care of a baby all day is so much more work than I thought it'd be!
A few more ques:
---Since becoming a SAHM, what household responsibilities (if any) have you taken over? Bills, cooking, cleaning, coupon cutting?
---Since you're a SAHM and you don't have an income anymore, did you arrange with your DH for some spending money? If you don't mind sharing, how much?
---What does your daily routine look like and how old is your baby? What activities do you do with your LO?
I really appreciate your advice and for letting me vent.... thanks so much in advance.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SAHM... need your advice
Things will get easier wants your LO will sleep better. I wish i could give you any advice but I am really terrible at "managing" the house. I have a cleaning lady that comes in once a week but even that's not enough. I do all the cooking, mostly because DH always comes home around 7:00 but he does help when he can. I do not pay the bills (I never have) and DH doesn't give me an allowance. His money is my money but I do not buy anything expensive unless I run it by him first (since he handles all of the finances) and I do not go out on shopping sprees (mostly because we have to be overly cautios because of the economy). We have a joint bank and checking account and we do have 1 credit card but we don't use it very often (because we do not want to buy things we can't afford).
I am going to be lurking to see if anybody has good advice because I really suck at keeping the house organized. (I grew up with a live-in maid so I kind of got used to having a super organized and spotless house). I would love to be the perfect SAHM but I am really not.
I was in the same shoes as you are almost 3 years ago. I was use to being able to bring in income and feeling like I was giving something as an equal. When it came time to be home with my son I felt lost. He required a lot of attention (don't they all) and when he would rest I could need a break also. I was nursing all day and night and going out of my mind.
I started slowly going out more...with friends or family and I found some creative ways of nursing when I was out (when I felt shy, which did not last long) I would do it in fitting rooms at the mall or in my car. I felt much happier not just sitting around the house all day...looking at the other things that were not perfect. In the very beginning I did have a cleaning lady for a few months. But as his sleep adjusted and I was not up at night with him, during his naps I would take care of things that needed to get done.
I started doing eBay so I could bring a little money in...but that has slowly died down. I am in charge of some bills, and I do couponing like it is my job. I clean....not very well but to the best of my ability.
As for spending money we came up with a budget and a number we could take out of the bank weekly for food and entertainment. I keep almost all of that money. I figure if my couponing goes very well for that week I will have extra money to get some things I may want...which is mostly for my son and not myself.
When Aaron was younger then 6 months I lived at the mall...mostly Sawgrass because it was hot outside and I could walk long distances with him and be cool...and try to exercise. I would also take him to playdates. Even if he was the youngest one around just being with other moms made me happy. I also did classes at Nova but I started that at 6 months when he was alert enough to not always sleep through the class.
Good luck! It is a hard job but well worth it. When your son is older you will look back and think this time although hard was also very enjoyable.
Beth
It's funny how I can barely remember and it was only 2 years ago... but I know that I did not get very much done around the house in the first few months because I had a rough recovery. I hired a cleaning lady, and I always tried to rest when she was napping. I would try to break the habbit of the baby napping on you as soon as possible. For both of your sakes! It all got easier when she was around 4 months.
I always took care of the cooking and cleaning, so that stayed the same. I take care of some of the bills, but DH still does the mortgage and his car payment.
We did not arrange anything for spending. I feel lucky that DH makes a nice salary that we do not have to be on a budget. I am not a big spender either, so this has never become an issue. I always tell him what I am spending, but it's usually on stuff for Zoe or the house. The rare occasion I do something for myself he is happy that I am doing it because I work hard to keep Zoe busy and I deserve it!
Our daily routine in the beginning was also a lot of mall time. Playdates with friends with babies, and walking around Target and the mall. Once she was 6 months old we joined a gym with a nice childcare and I started going eveyr morning. We'd also go to story times at the library and a music class, which is where I made most of the friends I have now. She is almost 2 now and our routine is awesome. Gym in the morning, a little play time, lunch at home, a nap, and then an afternoon at the park or a playdate. Errands and stuff get squeezed in as needed.
Have you tried wearing Mila in a sling? It didn't work for me at all, but my sister found that she was able to wear her baby everywhere for months- doing things around the house, going to the grocery store, etc.
Hey Connie,
I was in your position just a few months ago. I felt like I wasn't getting anything "accomplished" during the day. But let me tell you, BFing IS an accomplishment.
Have you tried writing down what you do in a day? I did that some days and even when I didn't "think" I got anything done, I would look at my note and see the tasks I got done: "tummy time with baby", "changed poopy diaper", "walked baby", "ate lunch" "gave baby bath" "trimmed baby's nails" etc. They aren't your normal tasks, but it shows you just how busy your day is.
I try to cook dinner 3x a week (I try to prep in the morning and cook meals that only require baking/roasting). Other days, we just do a frozen pizza. But I must admit that I love when DH cooks dinner, even after he's worked a full day. We moms do all the heavy lifting....the BFing, diaper changes, rocking/soothing/comforting/playing, bedtime routine. It's OK if your house is not as clean or organized as it was before. With that said, I have put DS in his Ergo carrier to mop the house. I've also used the Ergo to go grocery shopping. Other things, like laundry, can wait til he goes to bed or til the weekend.
Don't despair, it will get better!
I am a WAHM but I have to say I am horrible at managing the house! I give DS nonstop attention when he is awake (for the most part.. sometimes the TV helps out if I am swamped with work) and when he naps I either crash too or I have to try to work. By the time he is in bed at 9 I am exhausted and have to get back to my computer to work more. Too tired physically to clean, but awake enough to sit on my butt and edit photos.
Fun stuff. My house usually gets cleaned whenever I have clients come over and then I just freak out and do a big mass cleaning!!!
My Blog: SIREN.ORG!
Trust me, if anyone understands feelings of being overwhelmed at home, its me. I had a fussy, colicky, high needs, demanding baby from day one. It was next to impossible to put him down for two minutes. To this day, he thinks he is my siamese twin and must be with me ever single second of the day.
I found that a very strict schedule worked for us. Since your baby is only 2.5 months old, it might be hard to get into a solid routine now, but you'll see that in a few more months it will happen and your day will be fairly predictable. Baby will sleep and eat at the same times everyday, so you will be able to plan outings and household duties for certain times of the day.
To answer your questions:
1. Even when I worked I was the one to cook and clean, so that has not changed. What has changed is the level to which I can do it. My house used to look like it could be photographed for a magazine at any given time. That is so not true anymore. It's clean and neat, but you can definitely tell that people, especially a child, live here. As for cooking, during the week when DH is working I rarely make anything that takes longer than 20-30 minutes from start to finish.
2. The loss of my own money was a huge factor for me. What my DH does now is put about $600-$700 a month into our household acct for me and this is my money to use for all groceries, diapers, household needs, and misc spending for the month. If I need to make a big purchase like new clothes or shoes, I tell him in advance and he either puts more money in the acct or I charge it and he sends in the payment to the cc right away.
3. My son is older now, so we can do a lot more during the day, but when he was an infant I made it a point of trying to get out for at least an hour or two every single day, either to run an errand, to socialize with other moms, or just to get a coffee and walk the mall or an outdoor shopping center. Being out of the house really helped me clear my mind and not feel so overwhelmed. I also started walking every night when the sun dipped down. I took the baby on an hour long walk around our community. It helped with losing the baby weight and again, it just felt good to get out of the house.
Good luck!! It does get much easier. Hang in there!
I don't know why but as I read your replies I have tears in my eyes. I guess it's a relief to know I'm not the only one going through this. I know she's only 2.5 months, but I feel like she's been with us forever and that I should know what I'm doing right now and I don't. What karukaru said really struck a cord with me, about wanting to be the perfect SAHM... I guess I have in my mind what a perfect SAHM does and I'm so far from perfect! I don't know what the hell I'm doing, it's all trial and error here. I know that perfection is not a realistic goal but I almost can't help but strive for it and when I don't meet that goal I feel guilty and frustrated. I'm struggling to to be this "perfect" mom and a "perfect" wife... I hadn't realized that I was thinking that way until now. Realizing that maybe my goals are not realistic helps me put things in perspective.
It's a hard transition to make, as Beth said, to feel like you're an equal parnter with your husband and that you're contributing to the home when you're not working and bringing in an income. It's hard for me to realize that taking care of a baby is part of my contribution. I love what Virginia said about writing down everything I do... I would have never thought of that. Clipping her toenails and bathing her and having lunch are probably the biggest accomplishments of my day but I don't even consider them when I think of what I've done during the day. I'll do that. I'll definitley try all of your suggestions.
I guess what makes me a bit more emotional right now is that today I called my boss to tell him officially that I'm not going back to work. I've really given it a lot of thought and I was hoping they would let me work from home at least a few days out of the week but they aren't really open to it. I'm a graphic designer and the work I do can easily be done remotely. They even let me do it for the last couple of weeks before the baby was born. But they're concerned about me doing it permanently and setting a precedent where everyone else will then also request to work from home. Working a few days from home and the rest in the office would have been the perfect balance. I'm even willing to go part time but they're not open to that. I'm blessed that we can survive on just one income and I really feel this is the best decision for Mila and my family. It's a hard transition to make though. I know lots of girls would love to be in my shoes, but it isn't easy. I've been working since I was a teenager and to suddenly not be, is a big change. I've always been career-oriented and I always thought I would go back to work and now that it's time, I've really been struggling with this decision. It's hard to decide to leave a good job, a steady income, fun coworkers and cool projects. I'm a great employee and my job loves me -- I went to school, got my degree, and dammit, I'm good at what I do! Now being a first time mom, I'm struggling to figure this out and I just don't always feel confidence I felt at work. I do feel happy when my sweet baby coos at me and especially now that she's just starting to smile... I just melt... but I also get frustrated when all she wants is to be held and I don't get a minute for myself. It's enough to drive a girl mad! I know it will get better though. I realize I just need to be patient.
Thank you for all the suggestions and the encouraging words. I can't tell you how much they mean to me! I know this is all part of the transition and I'll just need time to adjust. Hearing your experiences really makes me feel better. Thanks again.
Connie, I have absolutely every concern that you do. Especially when it comes to no longer working and leaving behind your career, lunch outings, neat projects, respect and praise from co-workers and supervisors and and overall satisfaction that you were doing what you went to school for. But you're doing an excellent job as a mommy - keeping Mila fed, clean, safe and happy; that's what moms do.
And moms don't get vacations, sick/personal time, or bonuses. 
On the brightside, now that we are both no longer working, we'll have to schedule more playdates for Mila and Benjamin so that we can get you out of the house! I truly take him everywhere and next month I'm flying solo with him to my parents' house in Jersey, for a week!
Keep your chin up. Some days are great and others suck. Glad you're feeling better.