Why do we (as moms) judge?

libbyann

Some posts today got me thinking...why do we judge? I know we all say we don't, but honestly, we do. Whether we admit it or not, we do. But why? Why are you a better person, a better mom because you breastfeed or don't, CIO or don't, circumcise or don't, let your baby wear a bikini or not, have a repeat c/s or have a VBAC. Why does it matter to anyone other than ourselves? Aren't we all making the best decisions that we can for our family?

No one person sparked this, but I'm just curious why. I'll be the first to admit that I do judge (at least in my mind) what other moms do. I'll go to the grocery store, see something that I don't agree with, and be quick to jump to conclusions. But I can't for the life of me figure out why. Aside from a handful of sick individuals out there, I know all moms are doing the best job that they can...so why do we judge their choices or deem them less of a mom because they make certain choices?

Thoughts?

MrsAJL

***Caveat: I'm using "you" in a general sense.  Not as in, "you, LibbyAnn"***

Insecurity in your own choices.  That's usually why anyone judges. When someone does something different from yourself, it can feel threatening.  It's easier to point out the flaws, either real or imagined, in someone's decisions than to have to look at your own motives and decisions.

Insecurity is unconscious.  Very few people are self-aware enough at any given moment to say, "I'm insecure in my ability to [in this example] parent, so I'm judging your parenting choices as inferior to mine."   I think passing judgment is a common and normal response to fear and insecurity.  

However it is not productive and usually painful to the person receiving judgment.

(LOL!  This response sounds just like something my therapist would say!)

carlinlp

MrsAJL:

***Caveat: I'm using "you" in a general sense.  Not as in, "you, LibbyAnn"***

Insecurity in your own choices.  That's usually why anyone judges. When someone does something different from yourself, it can feel threatening.  It's easier to point out the flaws, either real or imagined, in someone's decisions than to have to look at your own motives and decisions.

Insecurity is unconscious.  Very few people are self-aware enough at any given moment to say, "I'm insecure in my ability to [in this example] parent, so I'm judging your parenting choices as inferior to mine."   I think passing judgment is a common and normal response to fear and insecurity.  

However it is not productive and usually painful to the person receiving judgment.

(LOL!  This response sounds just like something my therapist would say!)

While I totally agree with this I think sometimes we also judge because we are experienced.  We've learned lessons the hard way and see the error of our ways.  As the mom of a 12 year old, I now judge my parenting decisions I made when Ty was a baby compared to the decisions I make now.  Example:  Ty once fell out of a shopping cart and hit his head on a concrete floor. Every time I go to HEB and see a mom not paying enough attention or a kid in the big part of the cart not sitting, I cringe, I internally judge.  Not because I am insecure in my own parenting, but because I learned that lesson the hard way.  Same thing goes for parents who don't use carseats or smoke in front of their kids.  I'm not judging them because I'm insecure about these things, but because it is irresponsible and unsafe.  Just my $0.02

Emer

Kind of like what MrsAJL was saying, I think we judge because it's a reflection on our choices.  If another mom chooses to do something differently, it means our choice is wrong.  Wrong for their family and right for ours, maybe, but it creates a defense.  We, as moms and people, like to feel validated.  If someone is making the same choices, we feel the camaraderie and validation.  When they make a different one,  it certainly seems they do so because whatever we chose is "wrong".

Particularly when your kids are really little, seeing other families and the way they do things is one of your main forms of feedback.  So when that feedback doesn't jive with what you're doing, your defenses go up.  

KateAggie

Tacking on to the insecurity AJL mentioned...I think Moms are quick to think if someone is touting a different style than you (also the proverbial 'you')  employ, that it MUST mean they think your approach is inferior.  So then the defense mechanism kicks in, and it spirals from there.  I also think mothering is such a personal thing--I mean, we're shaping people, here peeps--that we're immediately protective of our choices in ways that we just aren't about other choices in life.

Plus, women (heck, all people) just tend to be judgy.  We judge how people dress, wear their hair, personal hygene, etc.  Judging parenting is just an extention of that.

MrsAJL

carlinlp:

While I totally agree with this I think sometimes we also judge because we are experienced.  We've learned lessons the hard way and see the error of our ways.  As the mom of a 12 year old, I now judge my parenting decisions I made when Ty was a baby compared to the decisions I make now.  Example:  Ty once fell out of a shopping cart and hit his head on a concrete floor. Every time I go to HEB and see a mom not paying enough attention or a kid in the big part of the cart not sitting, I cringe, I internally judge.  Not because I am insecure in my own parenting, but because I learned that lesson the hard way.  Same thing goes for parents who don't use carseats or smoke in front of their kids.  I'm not judging them because I'm insecure about these things, but because it is irresponsible and unsafe.  Just my $0.02

I love this point, too. I also think we may be talking about judgment in two different lights. One is a prejudicial kind of judgment and the other is a experiential kind of judgment.  You made a good example of the 2nd kind.

AustinMimi

I think it's natural to judge right and wrong when you know (or think you know) the difference. Some people are just more vocal about it than others. As a non-parent, I don't really care or even notice the things that most parents do until their kid is acting so badly that they are causing me mental anxiety (e.g. screaming bloody murder in a restaurant or a movie). If the parent is trying to do something about the situation, I'm cool. If not, my blood boils and I judge all hell out of those parents. 

ali-1411

You can have two different situations. 

1) Parent is ignorant and/or doesn't care and makes bad decisions.  Blowing smoke around an infant's face, not using a carseat, things that actually put the child in a bad spot.  We judge those parents because, come on.  They're wrong.

2) Different parenting styles.  Breastfeeding or formula, CIO or not, extended rear-facing...anything that's different from our own style.  People makes judgements on anything that is different.  They don't understand the choice, therefore it must be wrong.  People want to believe that THEIR way is the BETTER way. 

I used to be a very judgemental person.  I didn't like anyone who was different that me.  In the last two years I've been fortunate to become friends with people who are completely different that I am and from completely different backrounds.  It has opened my eyes.  Different is good.  We can talk about our different styles and choices and nobody gets defensive or judgemental.

Except for the swingers.  Those people are weird and I totally judge them    

bobcatsteph

MrsAJL:

Insecurity in your own choices.  That's usually why anyone judges. When someone does something different from yourself, it can feel threatening.  It's easier to point out the flaws, either real or imagined, in someone's decisions than to have to look at your own motives and decisions.

Insecurity is unconscious.  Very few people are self-aware enough at any given moment to say, "I'm insecure in my ability to [in this example] parent, so I'm judging your parenting choices as inferior to mine."   I think passing judgment is a common and normal response to fear and insecurity.  

However it is not productive and usually painful to the person receiving judgment.

This exactly!

HSartteach

ali-1411:

You can have two different situations. 

1) Parent is ignorant and/or doesn't care and makes bad decisions.  Blowing smoke around an infant's face, not using a carseat, things that actually put the child in a bad spot.  We judge those parents because, come on.  They're wrong.

2) Different parenting styles.  Breastfeeding or formula, CIO or not, extended rear-facing...anything that's different from our own style.  People makes judgements on anything that is different.  They don't understand the choice, therefore it must be wrong.  People want to believe that THEIR way is the BETTER way. 

I used to be a very judgemental person.  I didn't like anyone who was different that me.  In the last two years I've been fortunate to become friends with people who are completely different that I am and from completely different backrounds.  It has opened my eyes.  Different is good.  We can talk about our different styles and choices and nobody gets defensive or judgemental.

Except for the swingers.  Those people are weird and I totally judge them    

ditto this!!  also, lol about swingers. 

I used to judge a lot more than I do now, but after much soul searching over the past 10 years, I realize why I did it...and it was to feel better about myself...as one who was constantly judged by those who thought they were "better" than me, of course my defense was to judge others to feel "better" than someone else.

I have met so many different people in my life that I feel that I shouldn't always judge, I don't know why they are doing something.  I may get very irritated, but I don't think that's the same (kwim?)

...unless you are really doing something stupid...or a celebrity...they deserve to be judged...

MrsHoyt

As the president of the Circle C Swingers, I take offense to PPs.  We are just married people trying to meet our neighbors.

Libby, I think you are being too hard on yourself.  Seeing something that another parent does and thinking that its not the way you would do it isn't exactly judgey... its just differentiating.  Its ok to look at the way others do things and use it as a reference for how you will/will not act in the future.  That's how we learn through others' failures and triumphs.

You are all amazing moms.

 

userdeleted

Emer:

Kind of like what MrsAJL was saying, I think we judge because it's a reflection on our choices.  If another mom chooses to do something differently, it means our choice is wrong.  Wrong for their family and right for ours, maybe, but it creates a defense.  We, as moms and people, like to feel validated.  If someone is making the same choices, we feel the camaraderie and validation.  When they make a different one,  it certainly seems they do so because whatever we chose is "wrong".

Particularly when your kids are really little, seeing other families and the way they do things is one of your main forms of feedback.  So when that feedback doesn't jive with what you're doing, your defenses go up.  

I agree with this, and I do think that while it's true that people just naturally judge people all the time, it seems that mothering and parenting tend to be judged more quickly/harshly than other things. 

I was wondering about this recently too. Part of me thinks that it might be some sort of evolutionary mechanism - it's important for children to be raised well so that they can reach adulthood and then become contributing members of society. Maybe people are hardwired to zero in on perceived parenting flaws just to add in another layer of "protection" from "bad parenting." That's not to say that all the little things that people are judged for equal bad parenting, or anything like that, I just think it's an interesting way to look at it. 

HSartteach

MrsHoyt:

As the president of the Circle C Swingers, I take offense to PPs.  We are just married people trying to meet our neighbors.

You are all amazing moms.

 

lol at this...and ditto you're all amazing moms

lilrunner

Drive by posting...

Hey ladies!  I haven't been over here in so long (working again and dealing with 2 takes up all my time these days).  :-(  I "dropped" in to just take a peak and see what everyone is up to, without the intention of posting since I've been MIA.  But with everything that's being discussed today, I thought I would share something one of my pedis said up here.  It has stuck with me and I thought some of you might like it...

Preface:  I was talking with him about sleep training.  We had a long discussion and at the end here is what he said:

"For every decision you make as a parent, there will be experts on both sides of the decision with evidence to back their beliefs.  I don't know if there is any absolute way to prove which expert / evidence is accurate.  However, I know one thing for sure.  A child's demeanor is a result of your parenting over the 18 years they live under your roof, not solely what you do in the first 12 months."

I love that.  It has made me a much more relaxed parent when it comes to Jake and how I handle situations (Those of you who know me IRL (or b/c I was on these boards for so long) know that I judge myself and my own choices harshly and often.). 

I know we all know to go with what works for our families / children / lifestyles.  However, I thought it was awesome to hear it put in the way that the pedi put it to me.  If really has helped me ease up on myself, which I think has made Jake a much more relaxed baby than he started off being.

libbyann

Thanks for the input! I really enjoyed reading everything. I do agree that a lot of it comes from insecurities...but there's somethings that I know I'm not insecure about that I have judged others about. And that's what I want to stop to make ME a better person...ya know? I was talking with a friend who is due any day now and she's decided not to even attempt to breastfeed and just give formula straight off. I know that's perfectly fine - it's her decision. But something in me wanted to urge her to just try it...I guess because I'm sad that I'm almost done breastfeeding and I loved it so much? I don't know. I had to stop myself from saying anything because I knew I was judging her choice - and her choice is not wrong. It's just different from the choice I made. I guess I'm just trying to figure out why in situations like that, that we as moms judge each other.

I know people as a whole judge. It's a part of our society and I get that. But it seems to me like moms in general are more judgey. Or maybe it's because I am a mom now that it's become more apparent. Who knows 

ali-1411

MrsHoyt:

As the president of the Circle C Swingers, I take offense to PPs.  We are just married people trying to meet our neighbors.

 

LOL

I was referencing my post last week about my swinging neighbors 

MrsHoyt

Rumor has it there there really is a swingers club in Circle C.  A friend down the street has elementary aged children and, apparently, one of his friends at school talks a lot about how mommy and daddy have grown up sleep overs on weekends.  Interesting.

There is also a CC underground poker club.  There is a couple who have converted their downstairs into a casino complete with poker tables.

 

kiarox2002

I totally judge, but I would never say anything to that person.  I think that it is about validating our choices.

The worst is that I judge strangers for how they are dressed and anyone who has met me in real life knows that I dress like a homeless person.  I'm too fat to want to spend money on clothes when I could buy clothes for Kate instead.  She's much more fun to dress.