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Parenting
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
So stressed out. Long.
We're currently making plans for the birth of DS2 and the time DH will be overseas this summer (he'll be leaving with DS2 is about 3 weeks old and will be gone for 4 weeks). I've gone back and forth about all of this several times. The main issue is that we live in Boston right now and my family all lives in MI. I'm having a scheduled repeat c-section, so it would definitely be nice to have some help, although if that doesn't happen I'll figure it out.
Anyway, I was thinking about spending the 4 weeks DH is gone with my parents in MI. The upside is that I would have adult company and help. The downside would be disrupting DS's schedule, taking him out of school and putting him in another daycare for that time, being back in the house I grew up in which is hard for me- just being there brings up a lot of negative emotions, depression, etc.
I had finally decided that I would go to MI for the four weeks but I've spoken to my mom a few times lately and that has given me pause. I love her and she loves me and in a lot of ways our relationship is great, but we're both extremely passive-aggressive and when we spend too much time together things tend to go south quickly. Add in some post-pregnancy hormones and sleep deprivation and it's a recipe for hurt feelings on both sides. We lived with my parents during the end of my pregnancy through DS turning 6 months, so I speak from experience.
Some of the things she's been saying lately have been bringing back the emotions I felt around the time DS1 was born, and I'm starting to feel with every fiber of my being that I cannot spend 4 weeks in my parents' house (it has to be all 4 weeks or nothing because I can't even think about flying or driving alone from Boston to MI with the two kids). I've made huge strides in being forthright with my mom, but I know that when the stress gets high I will clam up again for fear of rocking the boat, and that will just hurt her feelings.
The bottom line is that my mom is only helpful on her own terms. If she senses I need her help, she avoids me. If I ask her outright, she says yes and then steers clear of me until the time she was supposed to help me is over. I just can't do it again. I still have deeply hurt feelings from when DS1 was an infant and I spent hours crying last night because it's obvious that, once again, she doesn't want to help me. I know she doesn't owe me anything, but she's begging me to come stay with them, and I know that it's going to be more work for me in some ways with no help from her. My dad will help, but he works full time. My mom is a substitute teacher, so she'll be the one who's home all day.
I've already called my dad and told him my final decision is that I'm staying here, but I still need to call my mom and I'm so stressed that I keep crying. Oh, and I'm eating everything in sight (why do I have to eat when I'm stressed out?).
I'm sad that I can't count on my mom to help me when I have a newborn and my DH is out of town. Again, I know she doesn't owe it to me. She raised her kids, her job is done, but it would just be nice if she actually wanted to help make my life a little easier. I'm also a little scared to have the two kids alone for so long so soon after DS1 gets here.
I'm going to talk to one of my good friends and ask her to come spend some time with me while DH is gone. She's super helpful and I love her, so it will be good. My sister is also going to try to come out for awhile and I hope my parents will come out for a week or so as well. My dad will help even if my mom won't. My biggest hesitation about staying here is that I do tend toward depression, so I just fear the hormones will exacerbate that and being alone with two kids when I feel that way is a bit scary.
I just had to get that out. I don't even know what I'm looking for. I'm just so sad and stressed right now. I guess I could use a hug.
And I apologize that this is so long and likely doesn't make any sense. I'm so overwhelmed by all of this that I've seriously lost all perspective.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
This discussion has been closed.
Re: So stressed out. Long.
That is tough. Honestly though, I rather do things on my own than be stressed out by additional "help". I know it sounds scary but I think you can do it and be happy about it. Having a friend come over and your sister would be great too.
Its hard feeling like you have no one to help. I'm sorry babe!
Hugs!
FWIW, it sounds to me like you are making the right choice.
Can you afford to hire a night nanny or someone to help out? It sounds like you have some great friend support too.
That was what convinced me. I'd rather just know I have to do it all myself than count on someone who's just going to let me down.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
(((hugs)))
I think you're making the right decision to stay put and to have people come to you to help. Try to line it up so that those 4 weeks are full of visitors and if there's a chunk of time when no one can come, hire a mother's helper to come in. That way you'll be sure of some help and won't have to stress.
DH went to Japan when Gracie was 6 weeks old and it wasn't fun but we were fine. I had a sitter who came to help a lot and my dad and sister and neighbors were great suport.
Big hugs!
It sounds like you are making the right decision, as hard as it was to make.
Can you have a conversation now with your doctor about your tendencies toward depression and maybe get a game plan in case you feel it starting to creep up on you?
I'm sorry
See, my mom and I have an awesome relationship but I couldn't have that "help" for all that time anyway. I am just too anal and it would probably make me more anxious. My mom wanted to stay with us for a week when I had B and I said HELL NO. I need to do these things on my own.
I think what would be more helpful for you, is someone to help you with A. Take him out or play with him so you can focus on the baby since your DH is away. F*ck, can't he postpone that anyway?
Yes, that's a good idea. My good friend also lives a short drive from here (well, short relative to the distance to MI) and I know I can always call her up and go stay with her for awhile if things get really bad.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
ditto XBG. I think that it would be better for you and your relationship with your mom. I am so sorry.
FWIW my c/s with Kate was such a breeze and I felt great within like 7-10 days. I was a wee bit sore, but nothing that a Tylenol wouldn't take care of. I was driving within days. I felt confident to drive since I wasn't on any high pain meds.
Plus, I felt alot more confident with a newborn than I did with Jefferson. Having a toddler really kept me on the ball. We were used to our routine and Kate just settled in with it. We went to our usual playdates, dayhome, shopping etc. and Kate just came along for the ride=) It was ALOT easier than I thought it would be. I totally psyched myself up for a hell of a time, but I look back at it and it was an easy transition.
::hugs::
Sometimes just knowing that you have a place to go to just in case is comfort enough.
Thanks dande and breezee. It really helps to hear from people who have been there and that it's doable.
I really think we'll be fine. I just need to get through this emotional turmoil right now.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
Thanks again, everybody. I'm feeling a lot better and really think I'll be fine with the two kids. DS1 will be in school full time, so it will really only be evenings and weekends when I'll have to juggle the two of them. I also just feel a little sad for DS1 because he's such a daddy's boy lately. It's going to be a hard transition to first get a new baby brother and then have his dad leave, but we'll all get through it.
My mind is working overtime. I need to meditate or something.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
Stay home. You know that is the lessor of the two evils.
I am so sorry sweets. I know this is hard.
And, maybe this would be a good time to really explain to your mom why you arent coming. Being 100% truthful might help you heal.
Good for you for recognizing all of this before you go to your parents house and have that spiral.
DH traveled (not as long as yours will be gone) when DD was 2 weeks old. I was nervous, but it worked out fine. I had friends come over to take DS to the park, and watch him while I went to the grocery store, or just so I could nap. It was a lifesaver.
(((HUGS)))
I agree with Yodajo. Definitely talk with your doc and be prepared.
((HUGS))
I seriously considered it, but knowing my mom the way I do I think it would do more harm than good. She'll just end up feeling horrible about herself, decide she's a horrible person, etc. I talked to my sister about it and she agrees. It won't change her, it will just hurt her. I know she means well, if that makes sense. She'll buy me anything I want or need, but to actually do anything for me beyond that just won't happen.
I will think about it some more, though, because I hate to keep feeling this way. And I'm pretty sure she has some unresolved feelings about DS1's birth/infancy, too. It was a pretty horrible time in our relationship.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
What she said! It sounds like I have a similar relationship with my mom, and she came to visit for a week when my ds was born...I could not wait for her to leave!
It is definitely going to be hard to be alone, but nothing you can't do. I will say, that after having 2, I would rather have to do it when the baby is still very new because they sleep a lot more at that time, and I thought it was easier then.
So, you will be sending ds #1 to school during the day. Is there any way you could find a mother's helper/babysitter/high school kid to help you in the evenings one or two nights a week? Maybe to just help with the meal, bath, and bed routine? That may be a nice break for you to spend some quality time with A. I know, for me, that was the one thing that I really struggled with is not having down time to just hang out with Rory in the evenings before bed because that is really the most hectic time of the day for us.
Having another baby will be stressful enough. You don't need the added stress of that family dynamic. My mom and I are the same way. There's no way I could do what you were thinking of doing. I tend to lean into depression, especially after having babies. I'd need to be on A LOT of meds even before having the baby if I knew I was walking into that old home situation. I think you're right in choosing not to go there. I'd rather have no help than being in that situation.
Hopefully your girlfriend will be a big help and those 4 weeks without your H will just fly by. And I pray you have a good baby too. That helps!
Good luck hon!
I think you're making the right choice in staying home. Not only will you be able to avoid the stress of dealing w/ your mom, I think it will be easier for you and Alex if you're in your usual routine.
FWIW I have the some similar concerns about my mom helping out when we have pbgOP. We'll need someone to be here to stay with Jackson, and she came and stayed w/us for a week after Jackson was born. It was truly miserable b/c she's incredibly hyper and has all these ideas about what needs to be done and I had a newborn and was recovering from major surgery. Like, no joke, she wanted me to clean out closets because she can't sit still and couldn't handle just being at our house, helping w/ the baby, and doing a little cooking and laundry. She wanted to deep clean our whole house, go through anything she deemed junk (which is pretty much anything b/c she is like the anti-hoarder), etc. all at 1w pp for me.
It's so bad I'm considering asking my MIL and FIL to come help instead.
Honestly, I think you staying in Boston is the best idea. If you are already stressing about spending 4 weeks with your mother, imagine how you'll feel once its time to fly/drive back, kwim?
I know it will be tough, but you know we are all here for you anytime. And there are plenty of Nesties in the area that I am sure would be willing to lend you a hand. And if you do come to MI, let me know! We could take A for a day! I bet he and L would get along great!
(((HUGS)))!!!!!
There are a couple of female grad students in DH's department who absolutely love kids, so I could probably ask one of them to help me out a few nights a week if I have a lull between visitors. I really think the biggest thing for me will just to have someone around to hold the baby if I need to attend to DS1.
My sister also recommended I get a wrap for the baby so I can wear him while I deal with DS.
I'm feeling better and better about this as read all these responses. Thank you all so much.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
that stinks.
I would work on arranging to have people who are in town help you. Have a set schedule for a babysitter...even if you are just taking a nap or a shower and not leaving the house...for every few days. Or something.
It will be ok. That sucks though.
I'll ditto what the others have said about #2 being an easier transition, keeping #1 in his regular routine, getting a helper, talking to your Doc about possible ppd, etc. I think there is some great advice in here. And, I absolutely think you made the right decision to stay in Boston. I cringed when I started reading your OP about heading to MI because I know it is something I never would've even considered.
But, I also want to add...now that you've made a decision, quit worrying and thinking about it. Seriously, it sounds like you are on the verge of driving yourself mad. And there are so many unknowns, even good ones...like #1 may have the easiest transition ever...it's just not worth it to get yourself so worked up over it. There is not much you can control, and what you can, you have already decided upon - staying in Boston. So, really, from here on out, I wouldn't worry about all the what ifs. You will take care of them when they happen because there is nothing else you can do! Sounds like you are on top of things, so you will be well prepared!
j*w*, I am a horrible overthinker. I drive myself batty. I obsess and obsess and typically I find when events come to pass that I've been worrying about nothing. So I am totally guilty of that... it's unfortunately a huge part of who I am. Ugh.
I think I'll feel better once I talk to my mom tonight. I'm still not exactly sure what I'm going to say to her. I think I'll probably just focus on DS1's wellbeing and keeping him as plugged into the routine he's used to as possible. I'm just not sure I'm ready to talk about anything more sensitive, if you will, than that.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
DH has a tendency to overthink things too, so I am familiar with it! I just think it will make you feel worse if you keep doing it!
Perhaps once you fill in the last link, talking to your mom and telling her your decision, it may be easier to quit thinking about it. And I think you have the absolute right approach in mind...keeping it focused on your DS's wellbeing, etc, and nothing about her. Like I said, I just could not imagine packing up for 4 weeks. I love routine and I'd want to establish it in those early weeks and keep it up. It is what makes me happiest!
I just want to point out that likely it won't be as bad as you think. This time around, the baby part is EASY! I think just bc I sort of know how to do babies. The hard part is the juggling 2 kids part.
Get a wrap and wear the baby while you are doing the toddler routine. You can even hold your toddler on your hip with the newborn in the sling.
Do all the food prep/tidying up/etc while your DS is at daycare, so that in the evenings and mornings, you have nothing to do except nurse the baby and play with your DS.
It really will work out!
Good advice! Thank you so much!
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
I'm a hop skip and a jump from Boston. And I'm serious when I tell you that I will come there and do whatever you need. Even if it's just to hang with you.
Good news, I think by 3 weeks PP, things actually start looking UP! So with any luck, that will be the case.
My advice --- get a plan in place NOW. Actually, get a calendar and make up a schedule. Get people lined up NOW. Make sure you have someone coming at least every other day, for at least a 2 hour timeframe.
And you have Nesties in that area too (me included) that I'm sure would be more than willing to come hang. (And PS... yea, I don't care if your house is dirty, you are not showered, etc etc etc....just in case that worries you!)
Your mom -- now is NOT the time to have those conversations. Do what you can to get by (tell her it's too keep A's routine). Have the baby. Get DH home from his trip. Get settled. Get over PP hormones. THEN have those conversations with her.
(((HUGS))) and good luck! And I'm an overanalyzer too...so I know it's hard to shut off your mind but you and the boys WILL be fine!!
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church