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Northern California Babies
How would you feel about this?
[note: this is not about me!]
You are 9 weeks pregnant with a surprise! baby. Your husband has a twin brother who is getting married later in the year. Your due date just happens to be 2 days before BIL's wedding date.
Future SIL says that changing the wedding date is impossible and essentially asks BIL to choose between her and the original wedding date, or you and his twin brother being able to come to the wedding.
BIL then tells you that you really should have been more careful about getting PG. [
]
So, my question is this: how accommodating would you expect future SIL to be? Would YOU change your wedding date if you found out that your sibling was expecting a baby right around the same time?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How would you feel about this?
I think it depends how planned the wedding is at this point.....
I don't think I would change the wedding date, or expect my sister/SIL, etc to change the wedding date b/c I was pg.
Life happens. Sure, you might miss this ONE big day in your BIL/SIL's life, but you are family and should be able to share hundreds of other moments.
~~ married 8.11.07
~~ DD1 1.16.11 ~~ DD2 1.3.14 ~~
~~ BFP3 12.22.15 MMC 2.29.16 @ 13 weeks ~~
~~ 2 D&Cs (3.1.16 and 3.10.16) for MMC
~~ BFP4 10.27.16 MMC 1.23.17 @ 16 weeks ~~ D&E 1.26.17 ~~
1. Totally rude to say "you should have been more careful"...not his place to comment.
2. My wedding date was set in stone 14 months prior to the date. I mean stone. Deposit on places was in, everyone knew the date...everything was falling into place. It would have been REALLY hard to change it...it could be done...but it would have required more $$$ and contacting a whole lot of people. Would I have changed it for my sister or DH's brothers....yes...I changed it 3 times for my cousin (before the 14 months in stone point, but I would have changed it after for sisters and brothers and parents, but no one else really) but just because I would change it doesn't mean someone else would...or should.
3. I don't feel SIL is being unreasonable...a wedding is a wedding and some people pick specific dates for sentimental meaning...
I feel bad for the brothers in all of this...both are having HUGE life changing events happening at the same time and neither one "can" be changed....sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.
I think if BIL REALLY wanted it changed and was upset about this he would tell future SIL and she would relent because honestly...should he be marrying this woman if she didn't take his true feelings into account? So I really think this is in BIL's hands...not SIL.
Just my 2 cents.
Money Matters The other half's blog.
EJ is growing up too fast!
Ack !!! If I were the bride, I honestly wouldn't change the wedding date to accomadate SIL. If sil and I were SUPER close and it was really important to me for her to be there I would change the date if it wasn't really set in stone yet.
I wouldn't expect the hubbie to choose my wedding over his wife though.
" Maybe " if the baby was born already and the brother could come for a few hours that would be fabulous. But I wouldn't have the brother in the wedding party cause who knows with a due date that close ?
If the deposits are down and venues are booked, well, yeah, they can't change it. If they haven't even started planning, then I would ask them to be flexible (unless that date has a special meaning to them).
BIL's comment was definitely rude.
How far away from them are you? The baby could come early or late. I would have DH say maybe to attending.... otherwise come as a guest and not commit to being a groomsman so he can have the flexibility that he needs.
Rude comment by BIL.....tacky
I wouldn't expect SIL to change wedding date. Depending on how far away the wedding was from our home, I would *hope* we could some how make it work and attend the wedding (maybe surprise baby will be early or late). Otherwise I would assume DH would go to the wedding and I would stay home. It's an unfortunate circumstance but sometimes that's the way it goes.
I feel so bad for the BIL in this situation too. He's so torn between his wife-to-be and his brother. But I don't know where that comment about being more careful came from...that was just way out of line. Like she got PG just to throw a wrench in BIL's wedding plans? Please.
It's going to kill BIL not to have his brother in the wedding party, but apparently it's going to kill future SIL to change the date and not have other important people there.
All this is just making my friend feel craptastic about being PG.
ETA: Oh, and the wedding would be here in SF but this couple lives in NY. So, not really feasible for the brother to attend at all.
I wouldn't expect anyone to change a wedding date, nor would I expect anyone to be pissed that I was pregnant and due close to the wedding. Then again, I was far from a bridezilla (or preg-zilla). It'd be a bummer if my brother wasn't there but really not a big deal to me - we had 200 people. We didn't have any visitors at the hospital (didn't want them) besides our parents so that would be a non-issue for me as well.
I mean, I'd really only care if my fiance couldn't make it to the wedding. And super bummed if my parents didn't go. But otherwise, it would be no big deal to me at all.
What a tough situation! I think that everyone is right. It really depends on how far into planning they are. If they haven't put deposits down, I think it's really unflexible of FSIL to not even think about changing the date. To me, it's not just her FBIL and SIL who won't be there because of the birth of their child, but won't her future MIL and FIL want to be there when their grandchild is born?
It's really too bad that things will be starting off for these family relationships like this.
OOOOOH! I have an idea! Is there reception at a hotel or somewhere like that? Does BIL have any tech savvy friends? Maybe DH can virtually attend! If they are set up in a hotel, they might have conferencing equipment. Maybe you guys can go to your local Kinkos and do a video conference speech, toast or greeting.
The other idea is if they are doing a slide show or something like, maybe you can make a video greeting that they incorporate into it, so it can be shown via the reception. Just because you can't be there physically doesn't mean that you can't be there in spirit.
OR.... after you give birth (if it is before the wedding), take a video from the hospital room, email it to a friend with a laptop and they can pass your video greeting around to guests. That way not everyone sees it and it doesn't compete with the wedding.
We had family pressure us to attend DH's great aunt's 90th birthday party across the country with the twins when they were under the age of 1. For health reasons, we just couldn't. They were kind of upset with us but it was what it was. Well, we sent a video greeting (from our whole family, here in CA) to the birthday girl and she was just tickled pink. It was a big hit. People went from being mad at us to thanking us for sending the video.
BIL mentioned that he wanted to change the date, and FSIL freaked out. She started listing reasons why that just wouldn't work. (Maybe deposits are one of those reasons, but I don't know.) It made my friend feel like crap because FSIL was saying "then persons X, Y, and Z couldn't come", like persons X, Y, and Z were way more important than her and her DH.
FSIL said that even if they pushed it back 6 months that it wouldn't matter, because my friend and her DH wouldn't want to travel across the country with a 6-month-old.
I hadn't even thought of the parents... How do they choose a wedding or a grandbaby? Eeep.
I would not expect the wedding date to be changed. I did coordinate a wedding once and the bridesmaid sat through rehearsal and was not at or in the wedding because she went into labor. She was the grooms sister. Just my 2 cents. If it was early on and things were not booked yet, sure might look into changing it.
Kristin
I guess I have a different perspective since I have two boys (not twin brothers, but I'd like to think they'll be that close when one of them gets married). Is there anyway she can be induced a few days before the wedding (assuming baby doesn't come on its own before then)? Then her hubby could still fly to NY for his brother's wedding? Yes, it would suck to not have your hubby around in those first few days, especially with #2, but his twin's wedding is a big deal. I dunno, just a crazy idea coming from someone that has had two scheduled c-sections.
As for your original question though, if I were the bride, no way would I change the wedding date. We were all Knotties once. :-)
Yes, I do get this. It's her wedding day, and it should be all about her. She can't be expected to rearrange her life based on her future IL's lives.
However, if my hubby-to-be came to me and asked me about changing the date because he really wanted his twin brother in the wedding, I would hope that I could be a little bit flexible.
*sigh*
ditto - also depends on WHERE the wedding is. Not such a big deal if its close to home/hospital. The likelyhood of going into labor on your due date is slim and Id just chalk it up to "*** happens".?
Id be more worked up about it though if the wedding was planned and date was picked AFTER they already knew my due date - that would be pretty rude/selfish of the SIL.
If my future husband came to me and asked to change the date... and we could ... then I would.
But with our wedding we had to put half of the money down 18 months before our wedding. We (meaning my parents) would have lost a sh*t load of money. I would have left that decision to them, and hope FSIL understood if we couldn't move the date.
NorCalMOMS bio* NorCalBOTB* babywearingBIO
Harmony Doula
I would not expect FSIL to be accomodating at all. I would not change my wedding plans if a date had been set and any arrangments made. If I had a date in mind but had yet to book anything I would consider changing but only if it was feasible. Knowing the way it is to plan a wedding I believe FSIL that the date is unchangable.
I do think that unless BIL was kidding that the comment is rude.
I wouldn't expect anyone to change their wedding date to accomodate me and my pregnancy. For one thing, you absolutely do not know when that baby will arrive. Say they change it -- by moving it one month after the due date. And the baby is late. Or the baby arrives earlier than expected. Things happen and a pregnancy is not a package delivery -- the baby comes when it needs to regardless of what else is planned.
And if it were me and my future hubby wanted to move our wedding date to accomodate his twin, I would do my best but outline what that might mean (more money and the possibility that it still might not work) and hope for the best.
Otherwise I'd rely on some sort of video to bridge the gap.
Ok after reading some more comments, I would think that a wedding in SF within the next 9 months would already have some significant deposits down. I know for us no way could we have eaten deposits and rescheduled a date no matter how much I would have wanted too, it just would not have been doable financially.
If I were the pregnant one I would try to get induced a bit early and tell DH he would fly out for the wedding. No I would not want to be away from DH at a time like that but to promote some family peace I would suck it up and do it but it would be out and right home for sure.
I really like Tiki's idea of being there by video feed too.
I would absolutely not expect or even ask them to change the wedding date for me, surprise pregancy or not...Is the bride being a little overdramatic by putting down this ultimatum on her fiance, probably, but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt when she says its "impossible" or even just "highly inconvenient" and let it go. It sucks to choose, but that's life.
Would I change my date for a sibling. yes but I'm really close to mine and we paid for the wedding. Would I expect her to, no. she doesn't seem to care and high strung if she is giving ultimatums.
I also wouldn't induce myself for said bil/fsil either. It's her pregnancy and last thing she needs to worry about is having the baby in time so dh could go to the wedding. They should be able to enjoy their new family without that added stress. Those first days are haaaard. I would kill dh if he even thought about leaving overnight to go to a wedding and they obviously don't seem to care if they attend anyway.
It sucks that happened but they also are living seperate lives and need to do whats best for their family and not let in/fil dictate what they do.
Unless persons X, Y, and Z are her own parents/grandparents/siblings...then they do not hold more sway than the brother of the groom.
I get her not wanting to change her date- our date was set in stone 18 months out.
But we're traveling to Maine in sept for the wedding of one of my oldest and dearest friends, so traveling with a 6 month old - while painful- isn't impossible. (My sil moved to switzerland with a 4 month old)
But yeah - the poor grandparents. If I were them, I'd have to say that I'd choose wedding and then go immediately to the grandbaby and stick around to help when they get home. The wedding is one day, miss it and it's gone, but the baby's gonna stick around for a while.
Wozers.... And I would probably tell my SIL to F-off if she ever told me that I should have been more careful to when I got pg.... I would be pissed!
I think they should keep their original wedding date and if they make it- they make it... and if they don't they don't. The wedding needs to be 1st priority to the groom and bride and the birth of their baby needs to be 1st priority to the mom and dad. And if anyone has a problem w/ that, I say it is their issue and they can suck it.
Was my opinion too much? Sorry if so... just how I feel.
Inductions frequently fail and wind up as C-sections, and the very least, you are on a constant monitor for pit (which is NOT conducive to walking around, etc), so definitely not ideal. I would not do that, I would not change my wedding day. I like the skype idea, but otherwise sucky luck.
I also think the comment was most likely a joke. Albeit a poor joke, but still, sounds like he was trying to make light of the situation?
I agree that SIL should keep her original date and BIL should keep his mouth shut! As a former SF event designer, I guarantee that it is unlikely SIL could change much at this point anyway.
Is the wedding near to where you live (if this hasn't already been answered)?
My brother was supposed to be deployed to Iraq on my wedding date. I completely understood that he couldn't make it and he understood that I couldn't change my date when he got his orders (6 months from our wedding date). His orders were changed at the last minute from Oct. 4 (our wedding date) to Oct. 5! He flew from the east coast, came to our wedding, and flew straight to Iraq after our wedding! If you're already in the same town, then I would just hope for the best - that you'll either deliver early or late!
Really? That's ... quite a lot in the name of family peace.
(I mean, I have a long-winded comment about how inducing means you're trying to get the baby out before it's done cooking, etc., but I'm not sure if you're serious or if you even care about my opinion 
)
the secret blog
My family has a similar situation.
My BIL (R) and his wife are due the week of my other BIL's (D) wedding. R and D have always been incredibly close (albeit not twins) and R was going to be the best man. R and his wife were *TTCing*, so it's not like it was an accident (not that they could control when it would work, of course). D was ECSTATIC when he found out they were pregnant, and told R that he absolutely should not feel bad about being unable to attend, if he can't. I thought that was incredibly big-hearted of D and his future wife, and R was clearly grateful.
What they decided to do was to book 1 ticket for 1 day with insurance for R. If the baby comes early (their last was 2w early), then R's wife said he should go. Otherwise they will play it by ear and potentially, R won't go at all.
the secret blog