Husbands who travel.. (long... sorry)
msshero
member
I write this knowing that some of you ladies are single moms, and for that I commend you. I know it is hard, and I think of you often. But for those of you who have husbands or signifigent others who travel, how do you find the balance? My DH works 8 days straight and is then off for 6. During that 8 days, he is gone traveling and I am left here by myself. I do have family here, but you know.. you kinda want your husband, right? I hate that he is gone, but it is a job. I really am just venting because I am depressed not just for me, but for him. DD stood today for the first time, and yes I caught it on video, but I know that is not the same for him. He cried on the phone tonight because not only does he miss us,but he missed that milestone.
So I guess in my vent, I am asking you ladies how you do it. How do you make him feel better and make yourself feel better too? How do you handle being both mom and dad? As if I don't have enough to worry about with a full time job and a baby, I also worry about his safety while traveling. I'm just full of emotion tonight and needed to share...
Re: Husbands who travel.. (long... sorry)
I feel ya girl! my DH travels a lot and when he is home he is crazy working. It has been very hard here by my self with DD juggling school, baby, and the house hold.
As far as helping you get through the time he is gone, ask for help as much as you can. the nights DH is gone go out and have dinner with family or friends. I find being around other people helps me pass the time he is gone and helps me out with hanlding DD. Or plan fun nights with your LO I dont usually cook a lot when he is gone but I stay out later at the mall or museum. Its fun Mommy and Baby time.
To help your Hubby stay connected get a camera hooked up to your computer and make time every day to connect and talk. DH and I do this often we both have cameras on our laptops and I put my laptop on the floor and DH talks to DD. they both just love it, DD laughs and plays with daddy and I know it makes DH feel so much better. Also if the camera isn't an option I also pack pictures of us in his suitcase and little surprise notes from DD and me. (her hand prints).
GL! its hard. ask DH and your self what would make this situation better for the both of you...you'll come up with something!
I know how exciting reaching milestones can be but I remember reading on here a while ago about a mom who told DH or their babysitters not to tell her if her child reaches a milestone during the day while she was at work. Then when their LO did it in front of them it was like they were doing it for the first time! I don't remember who that was and I haven't heard if they still follow through with that or not, but at the time it did seem to work for them. Enjoy your 6 days with DH the next time around!
I hope that makes sense.
My DH deploys for 4 month periods every 4-6 months or so. This was our first one with DS. I do not have family in the area. I am grateful to have made some mommy friends. I deal with it by documenting as much as I can while he is gone, and trying to include him in conversation with DS on a regular basis. It sucks. It is hard. But it is also a choice. He chose to work that job, and it allows me to do what I love more than any other job I have ever had - be a sahm. I know that by him doing what he does we are able to put away money for our future and pay off the little debt we have. And I know that this too shall pass, and I get through. Is it hard as hell sometimes? He!! yeah, do I hate it sometimes? More than you know. But it is what it is. He has missed so much in these past 4 months - props to women who do it on their own, or whose SO are gone for longer periods of time.
Enjoy the time you have with DH when he is home, make it count. And just get through the times when he is gone - hopefully it won't be a forever kinda thing. Hugs!
thanks girls. I send him video messages on his phone, but I really should hook our computers up for skype or something. Great idea! and I should feel lucky that the six days he is home he spends in with DD while I am at work, so he does get that time with her. It just gets hard!
Well, you can't make him feel better. His emotions are up to him. And he's going to be sad to miss things and there isn't anything anybody can do about it. The best I can offer is some advice to help you get through the times when he is gone.
DH is deployed, so we go for months at a time without him. So far he has missed the first crawls, the first time DS pulled up, the first time he stood unsupported, the first time DS cruised around the living room furniture. He doesn't get to be there for DS's first birthday. He missed DS's entire recovery from reconstructive skull surgery (deployed 3 days after we got home from the hospital), he missed the first time DS ate finger foods. He hasn't been there for any of the babbling and new sounds (and it hurts a lot right now because DS is fixated on the sound "da" and says dadadadada all day long), DS has recently begun dancing (and by that, I mean bouncing up and down while holding onto furniture for balance) to music - DH missed that. I'm nervous that DH will miss DS's very first steps though I'm holding out hope that DS takes a lot of time to learn to walk freely because I'd love DH to be here for that.
How do I get through it? Lots of videos, lots of pictures, lots of emails detailing every little thing DS is doing. Phone calls and webcam chats whenever DH's schedule allows for it. It is also a lot of "putting on a happy face." I shed a few tears every now and then when things are extra tough, but I don't allow myself to focus on the sadness of the situation. I can't. I have too much to do, and my son needs me to be happy and present with him now.
I call for help when needed. Two weeks ago I got hit by mastitis and I was in so much pain that I couldn't even pick my son up out of his crib. I called a friend who came over and "mothered" both me and my son all day long. She stayed with me until 9 PM that night - long after DS had gone to bed. I also get out of the house every day - whether for a walk, or to go get a coffee, or to go to the store or run errands. Getting out of the house is a nice change of scenery for both DS and I, it breaks up the monotony, and can help boost our energy.
And my favorite part of the day is bedtime, because DH has recorded his voice reading chapters from the book Eragon (one of DH's favorite series is the Eragon series) to DS. I downloaded the recordings to my ipod and DS and I listen to DH read us a story every single night as I nurse him before he goes to sleep. It means so much just to be able to hear his voice every evening. Could your husband do something like that so that your daughter could hear his voice every night?
I hope you feel better. I know it isn't easy being separated from your husband for any length of time. Good luck to you.
skype is awesome. Do you have any mommy groups in your area? What about classes you and DD can go to? I fill my days with activities when I can - DS loves it, and it keeps me from going insane (most days - lol) I totally feel you that it gets hard - I hope you didn't take my post as belittling that. Don't forget to pat yourself on the back when you can - and maybe even try to spend an hour or two everytime he is home doing something for just you.
My DH is gone about 1/2 the time, usually gone 4-5 days, home 4-5 days. We don't know any different, though. He's had this schedule since I met him, so there was no adjustment other than having the baby.
It's hard sometimes when he's gone and she's fussy. Not much gets done sometimes, haha.
But like pp's said, we do Skype, and that's great. Sometimes I play DD videos of him on the computer and she goes nuts!!
We understood from the beginning that he would miss some things. He missed things before she was born, too.
To answer your question, what helps me most is just know that there are upsides to this schedule. It makes us appreciate each other more.
Also, when he's home, he's just home, there's no 9-5 and he spends tons of time with her. I feel like he sees her more than other dads who works 9-5, overall.
I worry about him when he's traveling, too. I hear you on that.
Feel better!
My situation is different. DH worked for almost 20 years for the same corporation - most of that was as a bachelor. He traveled every other week - london, thailand, australia, china, etc. When he would travel he would be gone for full weeks or more at a time.
When we moved in together years ago, it was very hard on me - without kids - so we set a goal. That goal was to look for another job that would not have as much travel.
We knew that the goal wouldn't happen overnight but he networked, we kept an eye out for positions - he did a lot of applying/interviewing and he finally found another job a couple of years ago. Now he next to never travels.
I always find the best way to work through difficult situations is think about how to mitigate it. If he travels to one particular place - consider moving. If he is traveling all over - consider him getting a new job. Neither of these options will happen over night and might take a year or more - but having a goal and potential end in sight so that you can have a better family life - might make you both feel better.
Life is short. And, while i understand that money makes things go 'round ... if you miss out on life - it won't seem that worth it in the end.